Monday, May 03, 2010

How Not, to Go On a Date!


Adventures, in Dating, at Forty.
For whatever reason, it seems as though, My Mojo, My Lebedo, My Path, My Karma, has become hyper-active, for the activity of dating. Apparently, being single is not fitting my persona, these days. For those, who have Matured in age, and yet, still stuck in the Adolescent activity of "Dating"(Adolescents Redux I guess), I've decided to write a missive about my date this weekend, a "How-Not To", guide to dating at Forty.

First, when paying for the movie, try not to flaunt the 3 condoms in your wallet. Sure, to a man you are just being prepared, like any good boy scout should be. Sure, they could be nearly 3 years old. The problem is, to most woman, the glimpse, though accidental, may be seen as 'a hint', or an expectation, or a "*wink wink nudge nudge*, do you get it?". It's most likely, a Spoiler, or a game ender, as far as most woman are concerned. You also might ask, 'What are you doing with 3?'. Well, to me the practical nature, of just having all the condoms "together", this benefit is outweighed,by far, by the sheer bulkiness and obviousness of them, in the bill fold. A real Capitalist, would come up with a way to make condoms less obvious in a wallet.

Second, When you are watching the movie, which she picked, and she didn't know had, several acts of violent, angry, anal rape and/or Bondage. When you notice, Just about everyone, especially in a female audience, heavy on lesbians, is absolutely Frozen in Horror, as they have no idea how to react, and you could have dropped a Dime and heard it across the theater.
DO NOT, lean over to your date and whisper, "Do you notice, nobody knows how to react! They are too horrified, and too overwhelmed by the emotion, that they are Frozen with confusion and Fear!".
For your own edification, being horrified and disgusted, is an appropriate response. As well as "frozen stiff.". It is very similar to that awkward moment you have when you are watching a movie with your mother, and there is fucking going on. It's one of those "Lets just ignore what is going on up on the screen", kind of moments. When on a date, making a disconnected reference to how, everyone is "Horrified", and being fascinated with the uncomfortable, and awkward emotions of everyone in the theater, effectively licking the 'Tears of their pain', your own personal schadenfreude, I suspect it is seen as, "Sociopathic". You are expected to just be one of the Cows, and sit there and moo with the rest of them. As opposed to having a Higher order Brain, which allows you to evaluate the broader event, going on around you.

Third, when on your way home, and your date talks about being in a car accident. Don't Laugh, and say, "Good Lord, you are like a 'Little Tornado of destruction', everywhere you go!", I mean, sure, I know her, and she is....

I'm just not sure this warmed her cockles, for me.

I think it's also possible, I had the wrong Idea, Right out of the Gate, when I showed up, and she wasn't wearing a bra. In my own defense, I will also point out, that normally I would Blurt out, "Oh, You aren't wearing a bra", right at the point I notice it, which of course ruins the whole "Magic" or "Game" of it. Certainly, I could have "Gotten the Wrong Idea". Truly, the most probable answer is, that a movie with Angry Violent Sexual Content, is simply a "Bad date" movie.

It's funny, a few woman have suggested that I "Flip them some shit" from time to time. I just think... If I really gave someone "shit", told them what I "Suspected" about them, or what I, thought went on with them. Not a person would talk to me.


Nancy said...

Not so short and sweet.

I’m not sure that I have the writing chops for critiquing someone else’s writing but it was a good start. Interesting topic and the expository writing folks like structure. Your brain goes a million miles an hour and I kind of miss the free flowing stream of consciousness effect but I know that you’re working on other “stuff”. Just saying.

As far as the date goes, she chose the movie so you’re totally off the hook on the subject matter. Although there were some pretty tough scenes (as an aside, the book and movie were called Men Who Hate Women) they really conveyed the recurring control themes throughout. The book spends a ton of time on context but I think that they did a surprisingly good job of capturing the important things.

Quick story. In my early days in UT right off the NYC turnip truck, a date (1st & only w/him) took me to the Blue Mouse to some erotic film festival and I was the only female in the theater w/Mr. Date and a bunch of other guys in there by themselves. You get the gist. I was speechless and that almost never happens.

So maybe a 6 pack of condoms isn’t very subtle. Try taking them out of the box next time. Wise ass stuff aside, it doesn’t sound like you two had lots of simpatico never mind chemistry.

Keep moving and keep writing. The writing experiment continues but don’t stop giving us the other Mop stuff.

Nancy said...

Oh yea. A thought. Sushi could be an interesting blog topic. Your description was poetic.

The Mop said...

6-Pack... What are you talking about... I had the whole "200 pack", it was sitting there on the passenger seat, of the car.
As she sat down, that was the point I shoved some of them in my Wallet....

You are saying that isn't Subtle?

The Mop said...

oh... good idea.

the great thing about your comments, is that most of the time, you give me 4 or 5 ideas for posts.

I just thought it would be fun to give them a 1-10, as a ranking.