Monday, June 11, 2012

The dream

I'm still tripping on the idea of "the dream" that "H.I." had in Razing Arizona.

  In my dream, I always thought I would make the best floor sweeper at a telescope. I guess what would be fun  is for it to be in the high mountains then I could cycle to it. In the back of my mind... I've always felt as though I could fall back on my sweeping skills. There is a documentary on Hulu about the janitors at some of the major universities. It's interesting... the idea of the garage mechanic philosopher... but what other types of philosophers are there?

In the better dream... I'm remodeling a house. I work in either astro-physics or theoretical physics. I like the idea I work in Theoretical physics, but then help someone else with their observations from a telescope. I imagine that nobody goes to telescopes anymore. I'm sure it's all available to look at from a laptop, images downloaded from the observatory. I think I hold onto the romantic notion of the long trek to the top of a mountain, not that I would smoke a pipe... but sitting there pipe in hand looking through the viewer... Imagining life in the far reaches of the universe.  Like the image of Norman Rockwell... in his self portrait... but me kicked back, feet up, filled with imagination.... alone in the solitude at the top of a mountain.

I continue to remodel my house, contemplating the interaction of various magical waves trying to understand the  cross relationship between our tactile understanding of the world, and the strange and wondrous magic that is our attempts to understand and struggle with the actual mechanics. One of my great contributions being the misunderstanding of the physics community by referring to gravity as a weak force... showing the ignorance and lack of multi-dimensional understanding of the effects, and proving it to be the single greatest and most important force in existence. Then I have moved off to some theories about how dark matter ties is linked to what one could refer to as the fabric of the universe.

My wife loves me, she is busy with her life we see each other regularly... but always miss each other, time together is cherished and we can quickly catch up, in a few moments of conversation and affection. We find time together to work on the house and the garden. Everything in our home is well organized, and we both do a great job of teasing each other in well natured ways... about where the best place for the hand tools need to be. We had considered a divorce when, an argument over if the garden gloves needed to be in a crate and shelf out side, or a drawer in the workshop.... but we worked it out.... things are much happier now, that this has been resolved by having them in both places.

And real life goes on...

Thursday, June 07, 2012

I like to call it "Emotional Instability". I was watching Donnie Darko, he says "Emotional problems, I have those. What kind does your father have?"

   A tale of 2 people... a legacy of physical and sexual abuse, passed on from generation to generation. They were both born into it, they didn't make the choice to be born to those parents. Everyone just trying to survive from day to day.... just trying to make it through their day. Everyone scared by it, The walking Wounded so to speak. They talk about the emotional trauma of War, the Trauma of killing or being killed. People around you, here today gone tomorrow. There is nothing like the Truama of a father Betraying a child, The person who is suppposed to protect you, to love you. Taking advantage of you. Either by Hitting you, or by committing the most narcissistic of crimes, using ones child for their own pleasure... sadistic or not. Violated in the one place a child should feel safest. I imagine most would rather be dead, rather be in war.

The tragedy in the tale... as is in that cycle... the tragedy is the children.  Having both parents struggle with being lucid, not sure what reality anyone is in. Dad the loving father reading christmas books or the father terrorizing his children in their beds. A mother unsure of what is going on, too afraid to find out, to ask or to look. A mother also sliding from reality to reality... struggling with her history of abuse. "Is this what love is? Is this what Sex is supposed to be? Dutiful submission. Masochistic toil? If I do these things... will it satisfy him, will he stop hurting the kids?

I have never understood religion, I don't need redemption. I haven't done anything. I live by the rules, I have a momentary laps and J-walk. I have trespassed. I once stole a candybar, but only for the thrill. This is not the same thing most people go to church for. It frightens me, to be in that place. To be in a place where people NEED salvation from the things they have done. Maybe I will go to hell for my candybar theft without confession, I doubt it. If there is Heaven I don't want to be there with those that sit in church. I will say, I don't want to sit in church with someone who needs salvation. I know it is judgemental, I get that in many ways they are powerless... so are the victims. There are many victims that never lift a finger, never lift a hand to their children... but who suffered none the less. I can decide to not sit in the same room with those that do need salvation. I would also add that salvation will never come by shoving your hands together and hoping. Like they say, even a miracle needs a hand. The worst part, when the religious Zellot decides... well if god isn't answering, then it must be what he intends. God must want it to happen, or he would stop it/me.

Imagine growing up in a household created by two very desperate emotionally unstable people, both hoping that god will provide and help to created a decent life for their kids. Children growing up with two parents who lack any form of lucidity or consistency, both who struggle with reality. Those children struggling in these realities, just trying to get the food/warmth/love that they so disparately need... in a place where those things are in short supply.

To quote Joseph Conrad ""The Horror! The Horror!," 

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

Inability to self sooth.

what is self soothing.... it's a relief from anxiety. there is a source of anxiety... and you can't resolve it. So... you have to find a way to relieve... temporarily... the anxiety. Bike rides tend to be useful, it's not quite working for me. some people take hot showers, some people eat, some people cut into their arms or self hurt....

Inability to self sooth

Saturday, June 02, 2012


... suffering some. My brain is trying to sort out the things that have happened over the past year. It's like the librarian grabbing half the stuff on the shelves and trying to resort it. It takes a while.

It isn't that I'm not sleeping, its that i'm not sleeping at the correct times. I have been sleeping most of the morning away. What, as everyone says you must do is force yourself to be awake. The problem is that the dysfunction that comes with the insomnia, is a lack of productivity. One starts falling behind. I did manage to get a ton of work done from noon to 9pm at night, with my sleep schedule. At least I was getting stuff done. Yesterday, it was irrigation day. I stayed up most of the day and managed a couple short naps, but I was worthless for most of the day in any real terms. I hoped that I would fall asleep tonight and wake up at something nice like 5-7am.... but no dice... my body stuck to the schedule it knows... I woke up at midnight and have been up ever since. now as dawn breaks... fatigue is taking me.... ugh... maybe 2 more hours of sleep will do the trick.

and why do I tell you about this.... Ya... I don't know. The worst part is laying in the dark... having the thoughts I haven't allowed myself in a year. I'm also thinking about what my life is going to look like from now on. These are some heavy thoughts. For reasons I can't remember, I knew I was holding back on this stuff and had been not processing these thoughts for a few months. It was driving me up a wall. I will probably spend the next 3 months going through it all. I just wish I could do it on a few more hours of sleep.... I need to get some stuff done.

Filling the void

... I have mentioned that it has been a tough year and a little bit.

In what has been a tough time, there is this hole in me that has needed to be filled. I made some mistakes by giving up my comfort to try and sort out and focus on accomplishing some things. In this period of time there has been a void inside me. I have spent tons of time trying to fill it. Some call it, self soothing. Tonight i found myself eating a bowl of ice cream. Would you believe that I chased it down with some tuna and some fresh peas from my garden. Such is life.
   It's hard to know that what I'm doing... eating the ice cream is only a stop-gap and that I need to deal with my life in a more... relevant way. Some people drink beer. some people self harm. I know I actually need to face my problems and do something about them... not to feed my pie hole... until I feel better. The root cause... that is what needs to be dealt with.

of course... sometimes you just need some ice cream..

Friday, June 01, 2012

More... but less

I said I was going to post more. I thought the previous post about duck suffocation was ok, it wasn't great... but it felt good.

I'm trying to be honest. That seems to be helping my writing. I used to have this blog and I could just post anything I felt. It's more difficult now... I can't be as honest because I get phone calls... or messages. Then I spend half of my day explaining things

I'm trying to remember what my decent thoughts today were. My garden is finally in, It's funny it is so stressful. I wonder how farmers used to do it. Probably beat their wives... My head is so full of thoughts on how we bully and hurt and disrupt the growth of our children. I can't get away from it.

This blog post sucks...

Oh.... Ok HTFU.. and Nobody is there for me.

Ok, So... I'm in one of those things right now, Where I feel like nobody is there for me... Like i have burned out all my "Support system". It is that feeling where I feel abandoned. I actually know I'm not... In a way it's that the right people are not there. I joked with a dear friend of mine that she should tell me when i'm supposed to fall back in love with her. She is this very amazing woman, so few know how amazing. Much smarter than I. She lives this quiet peaceful life. I think that was learned, she realized how quiet and peaceful she liked things. I like to imagine that she wakes up as the sun hits her Dawn facing window. In rays of sunlight she wakes up in the morning... rejuvenated cuttled and caressed by the Night. Dawn bringing a perfect morning to her life. There is no room for anyone in that life, or in that perfect morning. She is satisfied by her life... wants nor needs nothing else. She lives Self Satisfied. I love those thoughts.
   One of my Ex Girlfriends said to me "who do you trust"... which was a challenge to me, to ask me... when the chips are down... who is my "Go To"... and more specifically who is the woman I go to in those moments of weakness. Well, she certainly is one of them. But she has this perfect life and morning. I also think that, like my mother... she sort of has this saying.... My mother says..."well, at one point... mamma is all out of milk". There is something we say in cycling... or among us.... it's HTFU... You need to dig in and harden up and move on. ... Mamma is all out of milk.
    Since I like to deal in dichotomies... One of the signs of the Borderline personality disorder, is an inability to "self help". Part of that is being unable to ask for help, or to say something is wrong. My dear Nancy and I  have talked about this. Regardless of what is wrong or if someone can do anything. The thing is, You have to Say it. You have to verbalize it. This is part of making the problem real. So when someone stays to you, Shut up... stop whining about it... We have to remember that it is important to have a kind ear to listen to our problems, regardless of how large or small. There is something about saying it. There is also something to the   unhealthy nature of repressing it. Thinking nobody cares. Yet... sometimes we have to dig in and do something about it. HTFU....
   This balance between HTFU... and being vulnerable to talking about our problems... openly... well it's interesting... at what point do people become frustrated because we have whined about our lack of a decent job or significant relationship for long enough... when we continue to sit on our asses and ride bikes and watch TV... Sit and do nothing about it for too many years. At what point is it worthless whining and not a genuine struggle with our psyche... what point are we an Eeyore who constantly struggles with imposed worthlessness, no point in even listening to anymore. But for most... if they knew any other or any better way... They really would do it. It's like blaming the victim. They don't like being who they are... They just don't know any other way.... They didn't ask for it... nor are they Lazy. They just don't know the way.... And ask... Do you? Are you the pinnacle of a good life? I just saw a thing with Maurice Sendak. He said as he was getting to the end of his life "All artists Get to the end of their life and say 'Is this it? is this all that there was?" I'm not sure I know anyone who has it all figured out, I know a few people who are truly happy. Satisfied in their current life. I have been satisfied in my life. I'm satisfied in my garden, in my work which is how I lead my life. I think, though happy... I still think that the people who are happy still want more. We have learned to be happy with what we have... but... I think we know there is a more complete life. Similar to what "H.I." the Nicholas Cage character in razing Arizona was hoping for of course maybe it is one fence post too high for us... and it's our nature to reach to the limit of our abilities and then constantly bash our heads against the Immovable rock.

Ok, that is all I have... I wish I had the energy to re-read and re-edit this... maybe if I keep my streak of insomnia going... I'll edit it.... anyways... there are only 4 or you reading this anyways.

Sorry, you aren't worth a re-write.... face it.... it's called reality.