Saturday, December 18, 2010
2:30 am... I'm just sitting here. Only my life could be this odd. A friend told me months and months ago... "this is just life".... I was like.... "I think there is a reason I just hang out in the bat cave."
Only my life....
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
You find yourself chasing demons from childhood. never realizing how much that stuff cripples you...
How a parent so caught up in their own pain can dump that pain on an entire family.... an entire new generation to bare a burden.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Fuck.... I was just sick of holding it in.
I don't know if you have ever dealt with something nebulous. It's just odd when you are like "Why do we have all these problems?"
She says "we don't have any problems"
you say "What? we barely get along anymore"
she says "That is your fault"
You say "Ok, the problems are all my fault... the ones that we don't have?"
you follow up with. "seems like the problems that are all my fault that we don't have, that we keep fighting about... well they are destroying us."
she says "well that is your fault."
You say "ok... my fault, Let's just give it up. I mean, you are fine... Right just find someone better than me. I have all these problems. Move on.... you are better than this."
I wish her so well. I just don't ... I can't do this.... can't pretend nothing is wrong or put my head firmly up my ass... She is a decent person, but it wasn't working and not making any sense.
What did I say at the beginning "Things are going to change, or shit is going to get broke"
Well here is some broken....
Improvise Adapt overcome.
Friday, November 26, 2010
"Let us praise God. Oh Lord, oooh you are so big. So absolutely huge. Gosh, we’re all really impressed down here I can tell you. Forgive us, O Lord, for this dreadful toadying and barefaced flattery. But you are so strong and, well, just so super. Fantastic. Amen."
Monday, November 22, 2010
- Somehow a boundry has to be tested,
- then Either She has to be at Fault or I have to be at fault.
- Break-up stage, where she pushes me away.
- Then we can do "I'm sorry" stage.
- Then the Honeymoon stage "oh... I love you"
- Then we start again.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Feeling aroused during abuse is not an issue for every survivor. Some survivors never felt any kind of sexual arousal during the abuse. Others felt some sexual arousal, but readily accept that it didn't mean anything more than an automatic reflex response to touch. Still others experienced some pleasurable feelings in their bodies during the abuse, but because those feelings were overshadowed by the pain of the abuse, it isn't an issue for them either.
However, there are many survivors who are deeply affected by their bodies' natural responses. Some agonize over how their bodies responded to the stimulation; they experienced the sexual arousal as a humiliation, and believe it reflects negatively on them that their body responded at all. They perceive their body's response as a betrayal, with the abuser "winning," and they hate their bodies for it. This is compounded by the fact some abusers deliberately try to force a victim to have an orgasm so that the survivor will mistakenly believe that they wanted or enjoyed the abuse.
Other survivors enjoyed some of the bodily sensations that came from the stimulation, but feel guilty, ashamed, and/or secretive about that fact because they believe - or fear - that it means there is something wrong with them because they're "not supposed" to feel that way in the context of abuse. These survivors often keep their experience a secret for fear that no one will understand how they could have liked some parts of it.
In all cases, if a survivor found some of the stimulation during the abuse pleasurable, it does not mean that it was not abuse, that they weren't hurt by it, that it wasn't serious, or that it had less impact. Abuse is abuse, regardless of how the victim's body responded. Further, for boys, achieving an erection does not necessarily mean that they are aroused; boys can have erections when they are afraid.
Why is this issue rarely addressed?
The impact of having been sexually stimulated or aroused during abuse is rarely addressed, and when it is it is given minimal attention. One reason why this is such a neglected subject is that we live in a culture that is uncomfortable with the thought that children can have sexual feelings at all, let alone during abuse. Many people like to think that children are asexual, and believe that those who suggest otherwise are sexual perverts. To further suggest that children who are sexually abused might experience some sexual arousal is to risk being viewed as promoting sexual abuse, or at very least minimizing it. But how are we to help survivors deal with this issue unless we are prepared to talk about it while not minimizing the abuse?
Just as it is shocking for many people to think that sexual abuse could lead a child to feel aroused or to feel pleasure in their body, it is equally, or perhaps more shocking, to survivors themselves to acknowledge this. Many survivors suffer about this issue in silence, wondering if their body's feelings and reactions meant that they liked, wanted, caused, or encouraged the abuse, or worse, made them as bad as the abuser.
I understand not wanting to talk about this issue for fear that it will fuel the argument that "sexual abuse isn't so bad because some kids like it" - a false argument which is used to minimize the impact of abuse. But by acknowledging that some children feel aroused reduces the emotional charge, or stigma, associated with it, and helps survivors to heal.
Feeling sexual arousal in the context of abuse does not mean that the abuse was okay, nor that the abuse did not negatively effect the victim. A parallel argument can be made that if the love of your life suddenly dies, and you receive tens of thousands of dollars from life insurance, money that you desperately need, this doesn't mean that you like the fact that your partner died or that you're not suffering from that loss. Liking that you have money to support you, or needing that money, does not change the basic fact of what happened, or how devastated you feel at the loss of your lover.
Children are sexual beings
Given that children are sexual beings and can be sexual stimulated during abuse, it's understandable that some children enjoyed the feelings of arousal in their bodies. They did not enjoy the abuse; they enjoyed their body's natural reactions and sensations, and perhaps some aspects of how the perpetrator treated them. If the abuser gave them attention or was kind to them, that may have felt enjoyable too. It's also understandable if that child, later as an adult, feels upset if someone tells them that they couldn't have enjoyed any part of it because it was abuse. How does the adult survivor reconcile the reality that her/his body did feel sexual when they "weren't supposed" to? They feeling guilty and ashamed. On the other hand, it's also understandable if that adult survivor feels upset about her/his body having felt aroused since it occurred in the context of abuse.
How to deal with this issue
If you are a survivor and your body responded to the sexual stimulation during the abuse, it's important to find positive ways to reconcile that reality within yourself without concluding that you are "sick" or "bad," or that your body is. The first step is to acknowledge to yourself how your body felt, and later to a supportive and understanding person. Try to do this without judgement, but if you can't, simply telling yourself and someone else (who is non-judgemental) how you felt will help reduce some of the guilt, shame, isolation, and secrecy.
If you feel judgemental about yourself, remember that feelings are simply feelings, nothing more. They are not facts or statements; they do not say anything about you or anyone else, other than you are a fully feeling human being. It's normal to experience a range of feelings during abuse, and one of those feelings may be sexual. It might help to remember the other feelings you felt during or after the abuse, because you did not simply feel sexual feelings, but you also probably felt betrayal, sadness, fear, confusion, and hurt, even if you didn't realize that until you were much older.
There are different ways of thinking about this issue, and survivors have come up with different ways of dealing with it. Some survivors conclude that the arousal they experienced was a physiological reaction that had nothing to do with the perpetrator, and everything to do with their own body's natural responses. That is true. Others conclude that while there was some element of arousal that arose from the physical stimulation, the relationship with the perpetrator was important, and contributed to how they felt - for instance, they liked/loved the perpetrator, had a friendly relationship with her/him, felt taken care of during the abuse, and this led to feeling pleasure. They let go of their guilt or confusion by acknowledging that they felt a draw to the relationship out of their emotional needs, vulnerability, and/or neglect, and by recognizing that it was okay that they felt and responded that way.
Some survivors take the position that regardless of how they learned what they learned about their body and their sexuality (what they enjoy sexually, how to have an orgasm, that they are attracted to the same sex, etc.), they like what they know about their body and intend to enjoy it without guilt, because this knowledge is about them and their body, not the perpetrator. Even if they learned some of those things from what the perpetrator did, that doesn't mean that the perpetrator "owns" those things. They are the only ones who can own their body's responses and sexuality.
Some survivors find that they are able to accept their feelings of physical arousal, without judgement when they feel compassion for themselves, and other survivors include feeling compassion for their abusers. Their compassion helps them to let go of judgement, and to see themselves as the innocent children they were.
Some survivors find that feeling shame about having sexual feelings prevents them from fully processing their memories. As soon as they remember and feel sexual feelings, they distance themselves from the memory and can't go any further with it. They're stuck there, unable to release their emotions or fully process the memory. When they released some shame and could think about the whole incident(s) by writing the memory out or telling someone their story, they were able to step back and see the situation with a new perspective and understanding. That process helped them to accept what happened and feel at peace with themselves.
How you feel about having sexual feelings during the abuse (as well as when you remember the abuse and/or read about sexual abuse) has a direct impact on how you view the abuse and yourself, and what you think about the abuse affects how you feel, which is why it's important to work on releasing feelings and critiquing what you think. Some survivors need to think a lot about it first, and others need to feel their feelings first. If you're stuck in one mode, try the other mode. For example if you're stuck in the thinking mode, let yourself feel what you felt - then and now - without judgement. Your feelings will pass, in time, and that alone will help you to think about yourself with more objectivity and less judgement.
The abuser is responsible for the abuse, regardless of how you felt
No matter how you felt during the abuse or feel now, you are not responsible for the abuse. Even if you felt some pleasure or enjoyment; or you wanted some aspects to continue; or you were sexually attracted to the abuser; or you sought the abuser out, the abuser is always responsible for the abuse and not the child. Think about it this way: if a child sought you out for sexual stimulation, would you do it?
You are not to blame for what the abuser did, and you and your body are completely separate from the abuser. Even if it doesn't feel that way, it's still true. It doesn't matter what your body did or didn't do; you and your body were simply coping as best you could given the circumstances (which might have included a larger context of neglect and/or other forms of abuse and dysfunction too).
It helps to heal by acknowledging how you truly felt and how your body responded, to think about positive ways of interpreting those responses, to not judge yourself, to place the responsibility for the abuse on the abuser, and to view your body separately from the abuse and the abuse. Other things you can do to feel more comfortable with your body and sex include: being gentle with your body; holding and massaging emotionally charged areas with your hand and having a partner hold and massage the area as well (this will help the area to let go of some of the emotional charge - the feelings associated with the abuse); gently stroking any area of your body that defends, tightens, numbs, or otherwise reacts to sexual touch; taking sex slowly and stopping when you need to; breathing; laughing; and having fun with sex, touch, and holding. You are meant to - and can - enjoy your body and all of its beautiful sensations during sex.
It's possible to heal
Experiencing sexual feelings during abuse is not something anyone should have to feel guilty about. Children feel what they feel during abuse, including sexual feelings, and there is nothing wrong with that. For some survivors the fact that they felt sexually aroused in an abuse context is embarrassing or shameful to admit but the more survivors - in fact, all of us - talk about this issue, the easier and less shameful it becomes. When we talk openly about something, we take away its power or emotional charge. Survivors reduce the emotional charge, connected to this issue, by talking/writing/drawing about it; not listening to anyone who tells them how they "should" feel; acknowledging and accepting how they felt and feel; recognizing that none of their feelings make them crazy or bad, or like the abuser; and by fostering compassion and understanding for themselves and their body. It's possible to feel better about this issue - one tiny step at a time.
If you found this helpful please comment back. The idea it not to talk abou it on here but to know that if you do feel any of the above you are NOT alone and it is poss to heal.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Thursday, November 04, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Thursday, October 07, 2010
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Today felt like one of those days where it’s all a little overwhelming. I worked my ass off and will keep doing so. Sometimes it just feels like it’s all going nowhere. The wheels are moving, but I’m still staying in the same place.
It seems obvious by all objective standards that things are getting better. I have this charming woman, who continues to be at my side. Progress seems to be … Being made. But time ticks on, fall is here… Can’t deny it anymore. Still plenty of good riding and wonderful weather.
The rational side of me says “Things can only progress so quickly, don’t expect miracles in just a few months. It’s all a process that will go on forever… Life is a Journey, not a destination.” There is still that part of me what wants a magic wand waved, and for all of it to just magically change.
Well…. More work tomorrow… Keep Fighting!!!!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
I picked up some Peaches from Brigham City, and threw this together. This one is actually hotter than my other Habanero Jams. And it has a nice deep Rich Flavor from some other ingredients. Organic, Vegan, Wheat Free, Gluten Free, Unbleached Cane Sugar. No Dies or Chemicals. Fruit and Pectin.
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
Sunday, September 05, 2010
- I can't take a decent shower.
- My Living conditions are Worse
- I've spent way too much money
- At this moment I'm as miserable as I've been.... Well this is in the top 5... If not worst. Fantastic.....
- And the Cherry..... GF broke up with me.
Thursday, September 02, 2010
Hustlers of the world, there is one Mark you cannot beat: The Mark Inside. - William S. Burroughs
Inter faeces et uriname nascimur (Between Shit and piss we are born)St. Augustine
Sunday, August 22, 2010
"But if you drink up there, it's another hour to get home?"
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Friday, August 06, 2010
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Monday, July 05, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Here it is After(below)
This will help them not go to seed, and it will also make them bushy. You can cut or 'pinch' the top leaves off. You do this for each of the rising stems of the plant. This one only had maybe 2 significant stems to pinch off, could have been three. These both really were the same plant.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
What seems like a new debate about the sexuality of Jamie Lee Curtis, has sprung up.
and Janet Leigh (+1 for the Rumor.Total=0)
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
I'm tearing this roof off. Don't worry in 2 weeks I'll be in full melt down.
Yep.... I have this roof to pull off!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Them, "What is that?"
Me, "Alternating Current, it's for a Fan!"
Me, "You arn't familiar with 'Alternating Current'? you work in electronics? or was it 'Motor' that has you Confused?"
(I got a very hateful look after that)
Them, "We don't have that!"
Me, "in all of lowes you don't have an AC Motor?"
The better one was a few years ago when I asked for a 3"x3" copper plate.
Them, "what do you want that for... What are you trying to do?"
Me, "I'm building a water cooled Heat Sink"
Me, "I think I can improve the cooling properties of this system I built, if I can get a Solid State Water Cooled Heat Sink on it. But I need some copper plate."
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Monday, June 07, 2010
I stole this, so I figure I'd give a link to the artist. Awesome, I'm tempted to try and buy one. I suspect they will be a little overpriced... but you never know.