Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I'm not sure what to write tonight.

You know, you want your life to move forward. To make progress... progress of the soul.

You find yourself chasing demons from childhood. never realizing how much that stuff cripples you...

How a parent so caught up in their own pain can dump that pain on an entire family.... an entire new generation to bare a burden.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

I guess this requires a post.

... things escalated all week.

Fuck.... I was just sick of holding it in.

I don't know if you have ever dealt with something nebulous. It's just odd when you are like "Why do we have all these problems?"
She says "we don't have any problems"
you say "What? we barely get along anymore"
she says "That is your fault"
You say "Ok, the problems are all my fault... the ones that we don't have?"
you follow up with. "seems like the problems that are all my fault that we don't have, that we keep fighting about... well they are destroying us."
she says "well that is your fault."
You say "ok... my fault, Let's just give it up. I mean, you are fine... Right just find someone better than me. I have all these problems. Move on.... you are better than this."

I wish her so well. I just don't ... I can't do this.... can't pretend nothing is wrong or put my head firmly up my ass... She is a decent person, but it wasn't working and not making any sense.

What did I say at the beginning "Things are going to change, or shit is going to get broke"

Well here is some broken....

Fucking Christmas...

Keep fighting...
Improvise Adapt overcome.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Turkey day

My brother did the prayer for thanksgiving.... He sort of Lost the plot.

"I want to say thanks for food, and for having food, and that god gave us food... and that we want to say thanks for it to be nourishing, and to have nourishing food. We want to say that here we are heavenly father, with the plates we want to thank you for the plates.... and with these plates we will eat the food... on the plates and it will be nourishing.

in the name of jesus christ amen"

It was like something out of Monty Python.

of course my mother tripped him up by saying a non Mormon prayer first.

Go Mom!!!

"Let us praise God. Oh Lord, oooh you are so big. So absolutely huge. Gosh, we’re all really impressed down here I can tell you. Forgive us, O Lord, for this dreadful toadying and barefaced flattery. But you are so strong and, well, just so super. Fantastic. Amen."

Monday, November 22, 2010

Hi Blog!

I haven't seen you in a while.....

I was hoping for some Blog Therapy. We used to do so well together.

True True True.....

I have been doing a ton of reading.... You don't want to know what I've been reading.

Hey... You know what... Not only is that Roof I needed fixed at the beginning of the summer.... Also... My shower is fixed. It's super Fucked up... but it's Fixed.

In fact, I'm so thrilled about it.... I'm going to go use it.... BRB.

Did you wait long? It was nice.... not quite as great as I remember it.

I'm like knee deep in Abandonment issues, Co-Dependence, Victimization... The whole schebang. I keep asking myself all these ugly questions. I think there is a phase when things have become tough, when You aren't afraid of any of it anymore.

I've started all these in depth discussions about Enabling sexual abuse. BTW... i've promised my GF to not blog about "Us"... Which is fine. Of course this is one of those times where there isn't really an "Us". For those of you who don't pay very good attention. There is a pattern. We go through this Euphoic Period. Things are fine, and I keep trying to convince her that it can just go on. Things can just be good, and it can go on for weeks. The problem is, for some reason we have to go through a Cycle of victimization with her.
  • Somehow a boundry has to be tested,
  • then Either She has to be at Fault or I have to be at fault.
  • Break-up stage, where she pushes me away.
  • Then we can do "I'm sorry" stage.
  • Then the Honeymoon stage "oh... I love you"
  • Then we start again.
Now this has gone on since June. Probably 12 times. It was kind of funny the first 4 times. I was like "why are you doing this?"
She wants to have the cycle... The problem is... I keep going "nothing happened" you freaked out.

But hey.... Enabling.... It's a bitch

Friday, November 12, 2010


(This is a repost of something I found online. It's rough to read, but it's real. This and These are the things that children and people who have been sexually abused face in their recovery. I though it was so good, it was worth reposting. Realize again the stats on sexual abuse for woman are 1 in 3. These are huge issues for people trying to recover. I post it so as to help people understand what the affects of sexual abuse are. Remember... there are some amazing and Brave woman out there.)

Many sexual abuse survivors have trouble dealing with the fact that their body was sexually stimulated and felt aroused during the abuse. They may feel guilty and ashamed that they responded to the stimulation, and confused about why they did.

Feeling aroused during abuse is not an issue for every survivor. Some survivors never felt any kind of sexual arousal during the abuse. Others felt some sexual arousal, but readily accept that it didn't mean anything more than an automatic reflex response to touch. Still others experienced some pleasurable feelings in their bodies during the abuse, but because those feelings were overshadowed by the pain of the abuse, it isn't an issue for them either.

However, there are many survivors who are deeply affected by their bodies' natural responses. Some agonize over how their bodies responded to the stimulation; they experienced the sexual arousal as a humiliation, and believe it reflects negatively on them that their body responded at all. They perceive their body's response as a betrayal, with the abuser "winning," and they hate their bodies for it. This is compounded by the fact some abusers deliberately try to force a victim to have an orgasm so that the survivor will mistakenly believe that they wanted or enjoyed the abuse.

Other survivors enjoyed some of the bodily sensations that came from the stimulation, but feel guilty, ashamed, and/or secretive about that fact because they believe - or fear - that it means there is something wrong with them because they're "not supposed" to feel that way in the context of abuse. These survivors often keep their experience a secret for fear that no one will understand how they could have liked some parts of it.

In all cases, if a survivor found some of the stimulation during the abuse pleasurable, it does not mean that it was not abuse, that they weren't hurt by it, that it wasn't serious, or that it had less impact. Abuse is abuse, regardless of how the victim's body responded. Further, for boys, achieving an erection does not necessarily mean that they are aroused; boys can have erections when they are afraid.

Why is this issue rarely addressed?

The impact of having been sexually stimulated or aroused during abuse is rarely addressed, and when it is it is given minimal attention. One reason why this is such a neglected subject is that we live in a culture that is uncomfortable with the thought that children can have sexual feelings at all, let alone during abuse. Many people like to think that children are asexual, and believe that those who suggest otherwise are sexual perverts. To further suggest that children who are sexually abused might experience some sexual arousal is to risk being viewed as promoting sexual abuse, or at very least minimizing it. But how are we to help survivors deal with this issue unless we are prepared to talk about it while not minimizing the abuse?

Just as it is shocking for many people to think that sexual abuse could lead a child to feel aroused or to feel pleasure in their body, it is equally, or perhaps more shocking, to survivors themselves to acknowledge this. Many survivors suffer about this issue in silence, wondering if their body's feelings and reactions meant that they liked, wanted, caused, or encouraged the abuse, or worse, made them as bad as the abuser.

I understand not wanting to talk about this issue for fear that it will fuel the argument that "sexual abuse isn't so bad because some kids like it" - a false argument which is used to minimize the impact of abuse. But by acknowledging that some children feel aroused reduces the emotional charge, or stigma, associated with it, and helps survivors to heal.

Feeling sexual arousal in the context of abuse does not mean that the abuse was okay, nor that the abuse did not negatively effect the victim. A parallel argument can be made that if the love of your life suddenly dies, and you receive tens of thousands of dollars from life insurance, money that you desperately need, this doesn't mean that you like the fact that your partner died or that you're not suffering from that loss. Liking that you have money to support you, or needing that money, does not change the basic fact of what happened, or how devastated you feel at the loss of your lover.

Children are sexual beings

Given that children are sexual beings and can be sexual stimulated during abuse, it's understandable that some children enjoyed the feelings of arousal in their bodies. They did not enjoy the abuse; they enjoyed their body's natural reactions and sensations, and perhaps some aspects of how the perpetrator treated them. If the abuser gave them attention or was kind to them, that may have felt enjoyable too. It's also understandable if that child, later as an adult, feels upset if someone tells them that they couldn't have enjoyed any part of it because it was abuse. How does the adult survivor reconcile the reality that her/his body did feel sexual when they "weren't supposed" to? They feeling guilty and ashamed. On the other hand, it's also understandable if that adult survivor feels upset about her/his body having felt aroused since it occurred in the context of abuse.

How to deal with this issue

If you are a survivor and your body responded to the sexual stimulation during the abuse, it's important to find positive ways to reconcile that reality within yourself without concluding that you are "sick" or "bad," or that your body is. The first step is to acknowledge to yourself how your body felt, and later to a supportive and understanding person. Try to do this without judgement, but if you can't, simply telling yourself and someone else (who is non-judgemental) how you felt will help reduce some of the guilt, shame, isolation, and secrecy.

If you feel judgemental about yourself, remember that feelings are simply feelings, nothing more. They are not facts or statements; they do not say anything about you or anyone else, other than you are a fully feeling human being. It's normal to experience a range of feelings during abuse, and one of those feelings may be sexual. It might help to remember the other feelings you felt during or after the abuse, because you did not simply feel sexual feelings, but you also probably felt betrayal, sadness, fear, confusion, and hurt, even if you didn't realize that until you were much older.

There are different ways of thinking about this issue, and survivors have come up with different ways of dealing with it. Some survivors conclude that the arousal they experienced was a physiological reaction that had nothing to do with the perpetrator, and everything to do with their own body's natural responses. That is true. Others conclude that while there was some element of arousal that arose from the physical stimulation, the relationship with the perpetrator was important, and contributed to how they felt - for instance, they liked/loved the perpetrator, had a friendly relationship with her/him, felt taken care of during the abuse, and this led to feeling pleasure. They let go of their guilt or confusion by acknowledging that they felt a draw to the relationship out of their emotional needs, vulnerability, and/or neglect, and by recognizing that it was okay that they felt and responded that way.

Some survivors take the position that regardless of how they learned what they learned about their body and their sexuality (what they enjoy sexually, how to have an orgasm, that they are attracted to the same sex, etc.), they like what they know about their body and intend to enjoy it without guilt, because this knowledge is about them and their body, not the perpetrator. Even if they learned some of those things from what the perpetrator did, that doesn't mean that the perpetrator "owns" those things. They are the only ones who can own their body's responses and sexuality.

Some survivors find that they are able to accept their feelings of physical arousal, without judgement when they feel compassion for themselves, and other survivors include feeling compassion for their abusers. Their compassion helps them to let go of judgement, and to see themselves as the innocent children they were.

Some survivors find that feeling shame about having sexual feelings prevents them from fully processing their memories. As soon as they remember and feel sexual feelings, they distance themselves from the memory and can't go any further with it. They're stuck there, unable to release their emotions or fully process the memory. When they released some shame and could think about the whole incident(s) by writing the memory out or telling someone their story, they were able to step back and see the situation with a new perspective and understanding. That process helped them to accept what happened and feel at peace with themselves.

How you feel about having sexual feelings during the abuse (as well as when you remember the abuse and/or read about sexual abuse) has a direct impact on how you view the abuse and yourself, and what you think about the abuse affects how you feel, which is why it's important to work on releasing feelings and critiquing what you think. Some survivors need to think a lot about it first, and others need to feel their feelings first. If you're stuck in one mode, try the other mode. For example if you're stuck in the thinking mode, let yourself feel what you felt - then and now - without judgement. Your feelings will pass, in time, and that alone will help you to think about yourself with more objectivity and less judgement.

The abuser is responsible for the abuse, regardless of how you felt

No matter how you felt during the abuse or feel now, you are not responsible for the abuse. Even if you felt some pleasure or enjoyment; or you wanted some aspects to continue; or you were sexually attracted to the abuser; or you sought the abuser out, the abuser is always responsible for the abuse and not the child. Think about it this way: if a child sought you out for sexual stimulation, would you do it?

You are not to blame for what the abuser did, and you and your body are completely separate from the abuser. Even if it doesn't feel that way, it's still true. It doesn't matter what your body did or didn't do; you and your body were simply coping as best you could given the circumstances (which might have included a larger context of neglect and/or other forms of abuse and dysfunction too).

It helps to heal by acknowledging how you truly felt and how your body responded, to think about positive ways of interpreting those responses, to not judge yourself, to place the responsibility for the abuse on the abuser, and to view your body separately from the abuse and the abuse. Other things you can do to feel more comfortable with your body and sex include: being gentle with your body; holding and massaging emotionally charged areas with your hand and having a partner hold and massage the area as well (this will help the area to let go of some of the emotional charge - the feelings associated with the abuse); gently stroking any area of your body that defends, tightens, numbs, or otherwise reacts to sexual touch; taking sex slowly and stopping when you need to; breathing; laughing; and having fun with sex, touch, and holding. You are meant to - and can - enjoy your body and all of its beautiful sensations during sex.

It's possible to heal

Experiencing sexual feelings during abuse is not something anyone should have to feel guilty about. Children feel what they feel during abuse, including sexual feelings, and there is nothing wrong with that. For some survivors the fact that they felt sexually aroused in an abuse context is embarrassing or shameful to admit but the more survivors - in fact, all of us - talk about this issue, the easier and less shameful it becomes. When we talk openly about something, we take away its power or emotional charge. Survivors reduce the emotional charge, connected to this issue, by talking/writing/drawing about it; not listening to anyone who tells them how they "should" feel; acknowledging and accepting how they felt and feel; recognizing that none of their feelings make them crazy or bad, or like the abuser; and by fostering compassion and understanding for themselves and their body. It's possible to feel better about this issue - one tiny step at a time.

If you found this helpful please comment back. The idea it not to talk abou it on here but to know that if you do feel any of the above you are NOT alone and it is poss to heal.

Thursday, November 11, 2010


.... Hmmm.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this.... I best turn down the lights.

Did you know that Fluorescent light is evil, It vibrates at a perceived frequency. Normal lights vibrate, but too fast for you to see it. The Fluorescents, if you watch closely, you can see the vibration. You realize it's quite Maddening.

When I was in College, the Unnatural light of one of the Labs was quite unsettling if you didn't have enough sleep. One of the freshman had a near breakdown after staying up until 2am in that lab.

Well... this isn't about ghosts.... We all have them, not literal ghosts.... Just the things that haunt us. I've become so good at the things that haunt me.... I tend to deal with them fast these days. Get on top of making the apology or Making sure I can live with what I say or do around people.

Ok.... Shit... I'm going to be straight forward.... this post is going nowhere... good premise but .... I'm screwed... I just want to get to bed......


Thursday, November 04, 2010

You are going to ..... this.

Most likely hate this.

Did you know that the stats for Sexual Abuse are 1 in 3 for woman and 1 in 4 for men. There is a solid chance that I spend a ton of time talking about sexual abuse over the next period of time.

I was talking to someone about what my Girlfriends father did to me. Many years ago, I realized that in order to make it real you have to say it. I was talking and realized that I kept saying that her father was sexually abusive. BTW one should never minimize it by saying "it was just Verbal". It was like her father came in and said "You are a worthless Lazy moron! I wish I never ever saw you", only instead of it being just Verbal Abuse.

It was sexual in nature, which actually makes it Sexual Abuse. It's strange when it happens to you. It's not like a movie or something like that, you are just amazed that it happened. Sure I argued with him, thought he was crazy, etc... but honestly sat there Awestruck!

At the end of this conversation I had, It occurred to me that I hadn't said "He Sexually Abused Her." When what I meant was, He "Sexually Abused me". A physically fit, Healthy Adult Male. This 70 year old Pervert, walked into my life and said all these Inappropriate things.... He Sexually abused me.

So, sure I will never be around him again. I'll never invite him over for coffee. He will never ever meet my family.

Because... Why would I want a Pervert in my life....

One final thing, when a parent abuses a child.... It's always the Parent's fault.

I mean, he has recourse right..... he made his choice... He could.... Not act like a pervert. When faced with that choice between Not acting like a pervert and Acting like one.... he chose the Pervert route.