Sunday, January 30, 2011

Another day.

... The mop has a new friend. Just like all of you, she probably doesn't know what to think about me... or about this blog.

Hell I Don't know what to think about the blog or me these days. I was actually reflecting on that the other night. I was wondering if "The mop" is an Alter Ego.... Sorry, I just had to look up "Alter Ego":

An alter-ego (Latin, "the other I") is a second self, a second personality or persona within a person, who is often oblivious to the persona's actions. It was coined in the early nineteenth century when dissociative identity disorder was first described by psychologists.[1] A person with an alter-ego is said to lead a double life.

So, what I recollect was more that this tends to be a more honest self than I show the general public. My Inner self.... as opposed to anything else. It's not like I'm out Saving babies from kidnappers or something, or pretending to.

I like to see this blog like some of the infamous Groucho Marks Asides:

it starts at 2:30


I've been working my ass off. This morning was one of those days where I had time off, I realized that I didn't know which way was up.... or which way I was going. I watched the Australian open Final. Then went back to sleep. I think I had about 5 nightmares. I felt like I was puking up 2 weeks of bad dreams. Or horrific interactions with people.

It's funny how people react to the same situation. To realize how .... Some people are so messed up they can't even answer simple questions. "how did you get here today?"...

then they start rambling.... "Well it all started with a shower... then I put on some clothing... I wore the blue shirt, because it is a tuesday... I love blue on a tuesday."

Then you say, "No... Did you drive or walk?"

they say.... "I had a blue shirt on... I never drive in blue!!!"

Me, "so did you walk?"

them "No... my shoes are too nice to walk in... it would hurt my feet"

me, "so how did you get here today? what kind of mode of transportation did you take."

and you just don't get it...

So, today was a chance to try and get things back together, in my head. After tennis I was hoping for some bike riding and then a nice afternoon nap.... Well, the nap won and the rollers lost. I managed to get to get a little ride later in the afternoon. I honestly wanted to just lay in the dark....

Work is something.... I continue to see tons of work... that isn't going anywhere. After 2 weeks of it, and doing a tally today. After getting a chance to breath, I realized how it's just not ... This work is just direction-less. A means to an end... some money.... but it's still nowhere....

J-Rad reminded of my existential tenancies today, of course was I being existential which caused it... or did he remind me, which threw me into a day of introspection.....

Well... I kind of feel like crap today..... I should have ridden the bike more.....

Crap. Spinning my Wheels Chapter 42

and ... this blog is becoming just a ramble.... but it's my ramble... what are you going to do about it.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Oh ... Yes

This is the reason I stopped drinking heavily....

waking up 2 hours later in a sweat. Then thinking about all the things I wanted to do on sunday. How what I really want to do is sleep in.

quick note

I had to work for 3 hours today... which was the center of my whole universe till 6.

I just want to write something....

Then I went out like old times.... Good stuff, not enough ... good times.

You know it's that point where you are trying to move on... see what is out there... and you check out the bar. Which is awful ..

but you see some people, talk to some people... and it's the stuff.....

you sort of realize you are looking for a special someone...... you always want them to be very special.... extraordinary... not just aesthetically but ...

what is also funny, are all the woman who some freaky guy is trying to cock-block you from... who they will never get in bed.

Friday, January 21, 2011


hey... Australian open.

Crazy shit..... Crazy shit......

Thursday, January 20, 2011

What to write

I've had a few ideas tonight.... I'm pacifying myself with some TV... it's not any good TV sucks.. It's like beer... temporary relief, but whatever it is is still there.

hmmm well... This is all I have for now.

Post script.

Seems like life is going back to regular for me for a while. Girlfriend light, so to speak. Less nonsense twice as filling. It is interesting to reflect that alone, i'm going to be happier. Strange that thought... it's true. I feel like things are more normal... or things are back to the way they were with me. I'd like for things to not be .... in the same old grind.... the same old pre "Leap into uncertainty" ....
It sure was a ton of uncertainty....

well I have work tomorrow... Lets hope my life isn't the old grind... lets hope for a new grind.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Our pain

One of my themes this year is that pain, those demons we haul around with us for our entire lives. I've had quite a few in my time. I finally figured out how to ... Mostly heal from them this year. How to ask for help, how to process them.

I've found that there is another school of thought, those that think without them we become someone new. We aren't then the person who we were before. Of course... do you want to be that person. Are you really happy. I guess if you are, and if you are happy and satisfied, you obviously don't want change. Of course.... if you are happy and satisfied, you probably don't have many demons chasing you. It's kind of what makes the demons.

So... to contemplate. If we can release our demons.... will it make us less than who we are or is not letting them go just another way to set ourselves up as victim. Another way to self defeat ourselves. Another reason to just accept our lowly place on this earth.

Sure, some of happiness is to just accept our place in life, to just accept our suffering... but there are other ways. We don't need to be the guys who walk the earth whipping ourselves, just to prove to god that we are willing to accept our punishment.

I'm not sure letting our demons eat our flesh.... makes us a better person...

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Memories of Green

I woke up feeling.... I feel like there are 2 realities right now. The one in my dysfunctional relationship, and the one i'm in now. In my off hours from work, all the thoughts from the relationship flood into me. I'm reminded of all the times. I'd say good times.... but even when I start with the good, inevitably i'm reminded of the bad.

well, the rollers are out.... seem to be getting "in full effect", I need to get focused.... contemplate going to my happy place while sitting there in front of the idiot box.

Australian open, started 2 days ago!!!!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

purge part 2

I just woke up... I'm just trying to get all the crap cleared out of my head so that I can have a nice sunday. More work on monday.... so I just want to enjoy my time... I want to get it all out of my head. Looks like it's Rollers today.

when your head is full of gunk.... there is a tenancy to watch TV... problem is it's a distraction and sometimes you don't process what you need to process.

which is just an excuse to lay in bed in the dark for a while longer.

also come up with something to do today.


I don't know where this is going... I had two ideas for posts today. Now I am just exhausted and need to purge some thoughts. Too much going on, around the old Mop.

I think people want some kind of Girlfriend update. I'm actually bummed, Trust me when I say she is a Very Special woman. Also when I say, she has to be extremely special to put up with my kind of special. I made a comment to someone about how the relationship when sideways from time to time. There is a point at which sideways... Well if things go sideways enough times, it seems like the odds of there being some kind of .... chaos are high. If any of that makes any fucking sense.

That being said.... It all got so sideways... at one point... it's tough to live a sideways life and to work on something and have it constantly go sideways. Spending way too much energy keeping things upright. I guess, if the relationship was a bike and it kept trying to ride off the shoulder. I kept trying to get it back onto the tarmac.

At one point you just get sick of it.... Fuck it... if it wants to ride in the dirt... there is nothing I can do. At one point we don't even seem to know that the relationship/bike can ride on paved surfaces... so you kind of let the bike crack and the tires blow and see what the hell happens. Maybe the relationship will realize .... the road is the place to ride a road bike. I don't know.

Worked my ass off the past week, and it will go on for a few months. I should have a few bucks to spend, I would have liked to have gone to southern Utah with her and done some riding. I guess it will be alone time if I go.

I was talking with Nancy. Nancy is funny, she has this long list of things to do. Somebody told me if you can get 3 things done in a day it's good, if you can get 5 it's amazing. Well Nancy has her schedule and plans and a full life.... and gets 5 things done every day. Then she wonders why she has to .... shall we say Decompress or blow off some steam for a bit everyday. ... I'd say have a periodic Nervous break down...for 15 minutes a couple times a week. Point is, if I got 5 things done every day, I'd carry a Fire Axe around, or a machete and a hockey mask.

.... there was something I was going to write about... I don't think this was it.

With all this work... I seem to be a bit more wound up.... I wonder where all this will go. I'll go back to bed... see if I remember.

Remember... you are never too old to go to space camp dude,

Saturday, January 15, 2011


Too much caffeine, too late in the day.

Had this great interaction with this woman named Alice. By great I mean lousy. This new project i'm working on, there is this woman and for the past 3 days she has tried to spend every working moment talking.

When I was 20 I worked a job as a carpenter, the boss was very into efficiency. He was a great guy. of course talking isn't .... getting work done. For those that have read this blog, I get a little Type A when it comes to getting things done. Talking isn't it. This woman Alice spend 5 minutes telling me about if she is or isn't right or left handed... I suspect she is ambidextrous.. Though I'm still not sure. When I was even younger I worked in television production. Umn.... 5 minutes is a long time. So, Alice obviously has some problems. One of which is that nobody listens to her, since if you do... You will get a few hours of her charm. I umn.... I think in my previous post I talked about "Sharing with people". Alice I suspect has a ton of stuff she wants to share, unfortunately all she can manage to say is .... 5 minutes on if she is or isn't right or left handed. Whatever it is she wants to say.... seems to be lost in translation. The unfortunate side effect is that it means nobody even comes close to listening. It's sort of a closed loop. Alice has something she wants to get out, Alice wants to say whatever it is so bad she can't stop talking, Alice never actually says it or talks about it, At one point it's all gibberish and nobody listens. She is about 2-3 steps away from becoming one of those people who walks the street talking nonsense and being confused.

I'm working on a download issue today. I'm trying to put some data together to do some diagnostics. In the middle of it Alice stops me.
alice,"what are you doing?"
me,"We can't get this data to import, I suspect it's a competency issue and want to run some tests."
"What do you mean"
"I don't think we are doing this correctly."

ok.... here it goes.

"Well that isn't our fault, the clients don't have the right information."

"No, I think we have the correct data, I just don't think we are entering it correctly."

"Well that is because they don't show us the right way."

"Who is 'They' "

"The big 'They', the guys in the suits....(she went into some kind of strange rant.... I could have sworn that the MIB and some helocopters were involved"

"I think we can figure it out, I think the resources are there I just think we aren't trying hard enough. "

"but the Clients still don't have the right information... they need x and y and z... and they never have it"

"Ok, here is the thing... we aren't taking responsibility to figure this out, all of it is there we just aren't doing it."

"Well that isn't our fault!"

"Ok, here is the thing about responsibility. You just take it and do what you need to do to accomplish the goal."

Hopefully for the home viewer, you get what I'm saying about competency here. There is all this blame and all this horse crap... and it's getting in the way of sorting this out. I'd also like to add that this conversation went on for 20 minutes.

alice, "Well, you aren't talking about hacking into their systems are you."

me, "no, i'm talking about sitting down at the keyboard and pushing the right buttons"

"but the Clients never have the right information."

This is where I start getting irritated.

"No, We have it we just aren't entering it correctly"

"Well how do we find out, we can't get the suits to show us how to do it."

"somebody smart.... like me just figures it out, then I'll show everybody."

at this point she gets angry with me...

"You aren't listening to me...... the clients don't have the right info (here just imagine that she talks for a while longer about the same thing.)"

"Nope, it is right here we need this data and this and it should work, we just need to recognize it and enter it. We seem to be too caught up in blaming people to figure out how to do it."

(this is where she gets angry... stands up and threatens to hit me) "You aren't listening to me, the clients don't have the right data... they don't show us how... it's not my fault... (seriously... 10 minutest) I just stood there and waited until she didn't have anything more to say.

"I hear you, may I please get to work?"


I finally get what I need. she turns back to me and starts up again "No.... The clients never have the right data"

ok... I want to point out that this company.... takes 2 weeks to add a new employee to the systems, never sets them up right. Also can't manage to get the Time clock system going.

I've been focusing on keeping the systems running and trying to get the processes streamlined.... and functioning.

All of this while Alice has 80% of her day to sit around and talk about if she is right or left handed.

I was on the phone the other day, talking to the boss... she picked up that line and started talking on it. Then when she realized her error, wanted to ask me 'Why she had done it wrong." I had to explain that I was on the phone and needed to finish the conversation. I would be happy to spend a few minutes and explain the complexity of picking up a phone later, but please... if she could just put it down right now.

I had a classic conversation with the boss. "Well if she can't answer the phone, why don't you do it."
"well if I take that job away from her, what will she do then.... spend 100% of her time talking about if she is right or left handed?"

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Self Help

The process of self help is available to all of us.

It doesn't require a $500 DVD set with Tony Robins. It doesn't require a monthly seminar at $100 a pop. It doesn't require a Therapist at $100 a week.

What it requires is the ability to Ask for help when needed. Knowing who is being helpful and supportive and who is not. You can probably tell this by knowing who makes you feel better and who makes you feel worse. I will tell you that people who are Abusive, they will actually make you feel worse. They will tell you to Fuck off. There is HTFU when we are not engaging in challenging ourselves which isn't so bad, then there is Somebody who harms you when you show vulnerability. The latter are abusers and should be kept as far away from yourself as possible.

The Second part is to Follow your Instincts. To do the things that you feel a need to do. If something is bothering you, and you want to talk to someone about it. You should do it. You also should do things that make it easy to look yourself in the mirror, and things that make it easy to sleep at night. Your Instincts should get you there. Let me remind this word Instincts, is not the word Impulse.

I picked up this list off of a web site:























What are some actual things I can do to soothe myself?

1- Take a nice warm bath

2- Listen to up-beat music that usually assists you to feel better

3- Watch television

4- Moderate/Reasonable exercise

5- Journal your thoughts and feelings

6- Pet your cat or dog if you have one

7- Walk your dog, if you have one

8- Any hobby that relaxes you and keeps you busy: crocheting, reading, sketching, painting, playing an instrument, writing poetry, needle-point, wood-working, leather-crafts and so forth

9- Crying, allowing yourself to just be while you feel sad. Sometimes we do just have to let our sadness out

10-Play a computer game or video game -- do puzzles

11-Clean your house or apartment

12-Do things that soothe your inner child like watch cartoons and or hug a teddy bear. Colour in a colouring book.

For the longest time, it seemed to me that no matter what I did my demons always chased me. I would face them or try to ignore them or did a hundred things to try and deal with them.

What I never did was share them with anyone, share my insecurities with anyone. Once I did I realized ... Insecurities are normal. Repressing things is not. There are a 3 billion people on this planet.. I suspect that your problems are not original. A few thousand people have had very similar problems to the ones you have. You probably run into those people every day.

My father was probably Beaten fairly significantly by his drunk old man. My grandfather beat my Grandmother... Like it was a sport. Then he would make it up to her by buying her something. Paying for her silence. My oldest brother probably took a few beatings from my dad. He now has significant emotional problems. I was only hit a few times in my life.

My father has never ever faced his abuse, nor what it was to see his drunk old man hit his mother. My mother suffered in silence with an Empty shell of a person, who never was able to continue to grow and mature. Many people who suffer abuse become unable to "heal" and are forever stunted emotionally by the abuse. My father has always been in a constant confused state, and has never spent a day in his life Acting out... His Inner child reaching out to be soothed from a drunk old man. Every Day of his life... So repressed that every day he acts out... Irrationally screaming "I'm a Victim".

Bad things that happen to us, especially at a young age when we are vulnerable and/or when they are severe are normally not remembered. Everybody who knew my Grandfather knew he was a Heavy Drinker... Code for Drunk. But my father on the other hand, won't admit his father is an alcoholic. My father barely talks about his father. His siblings have Memory lapses around holidays and different occasions. Much of it they either don't want to remember or find it uncomfortable to remember. So when the memories come up, they have to fight to keep them repressed. of course this is the opposite of what they probably should do, which is when the memories come up... they should be talking about them.

One of my Uncles couldn't get into the military... For some reason... well "Because some of the emotional tests are so hard"... in the navy. My father could never pass the tests they gave to become management. He never understood how to lead people... he just thought you yelled at them until they submitted. I suspect the company wasn't interested in that kind of management.

These are only things I can write because this blog is anonymous.

The problem with abuse vs other types of problems is that we become unable to trust and get help. We just don't trust people enough to realize that, sometimes if we ask for it... or make ourselves vulnerable... there are rewards, and we can be healed.

If we just trust ourselves, and ask for help. Share some of our pain...

the process of "self help" is open to all of us.

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Gardening For Jan

Honestly this is an exciting month for the garden.

Its the only month that isn't crazy, and you can start preparing for the new year. Isn't there a saying about the Key is to stay ahead of things. Well, in Jan... everyone is on top of the garden.

Nothing starts before March 1. Ok.... There is a chance things will start before march 1

In Feb, we get a break in the weather. It will be 1 week or 2. It will be cold, but the snow should be gone, and the ground will not be muddy, but it will be frozen.

Last year Before the snow fell, I prepared a section of ground fore an early spring planting. Unfortunately for you, you will probably need to prepare a section, and it may be... difficult.

This month the seeds will start coming into the Garden stores. I want to point out that Home Depo... May not carry seeds or the managers may not put them out until March. As a nice activity... something to kill the boredom this jan. Go to the local garden stores... Locally owned and operated ones, and see if the seeds have come in.

What I'm going to look for are cold hardy varieties of some things Specifically Peas Kale and Spinach. Maybe some carrots.

Then when we get a break in the weather, I'll be ready to put them in.... And if it Freezes.... Oh well, I had some fun.... But... Remember it will probably Freeze then it will be Wet and muddy. So regardless if you prep the soil in feb, then when it's Muddy, you will be able to plant in March or april. If you don't get that soil ready in feb... You will be in trouble for spring planting.

The other thing is, it's time to start thinking about what I'm going to plant Indoors. Seedlings for the new year. I'll be looking for these seeds too.

All of this... is of course a great distraction from winter.

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Things would be better .....

.... If only.....

This seems to be the story of 2010 for me. It all started with the year of "things are going to change or something is going to get broke".

I pulled it off, lots changed.

I've been very blocked lately... for 2 or more years. The blog has reflected it. There just had to be more. I was blocked earlier this afternoon. I laid in bed and just wanted some emotion to hit me. I cried for about 45 seconds. I was hoping it would go on for an hour. But it just clogged like a dirty drain. I started writing some to express myself and I got another 60 seconds. I just keep praying for more.

Apparently I use a neutral detergent to clean my bike chain.... didn't know that. See, I'm distracted already. Honest to god I want to just feel this, let the pain and the whatever hit me. I want to feel it.

I've felt that way before "Things would be better if only... I could be in a decent relationship." Anyone with half a brain for psychology or self help knows that happiness comes from within. Still someone to be super close to ... that was what I was hoping for.

I find someone, Like them a lot. There is some great sexual tension there. Sure enough.... Kissing happens.... etc.... Only what happens is, the intimacy never develops. Hopefully you have felt it, when you just want to spend all of your time laying in bed and talking and holding and touching. The whole thing... you want the crying and the sadness and the happiness...

but... it's not there... You wonder why, decide... Well I can work on this. Nothing is perfect... it's just going to take some work. I'm not afraid of work. You try and take the time to start talking.... get the intimacy going. But there is no time.... "I'm busy" "It's late" "You need to go home" "I'm tired"

Somehow without it... well somehow the relationship seems to be progressing. You can't quite figure out how... or Why.... since ... You keep waiting for her to open up... to share all of her stuff... the whole thing. But she doesn't... You ask... she is guarded...

It's like... ok "Maybe Things would be better if I told her I loved her" maybe that is what she is waiting for.... Sure enough... It's great... bla bla bla Love me back.... etc..

What I'm missing telling you is that each few weeks... something goes wrong... I called it "going sideways". Something happens and suddenly we go sideways and things are odd and wonky... I'm just scratching my head wondering WTF is going on.

We are in bed... her dog keeps jumping on the bed and jumping on us... in the middle of being intimate. It's a constant distraction, she can't focus... she doesn't want to keep going. I'm ready to shoot the dog. but it's all "I love my dog". I'm ready to walk out... Do you want me or your dog? If you want the dog... I'll be at home and moving on..... "oh, Don't be like that. This is nothing, everything is fine." "No, it's not fine, your dog keeps trying to lick my ass"

You are scratching your head... wondering WTF is going on. Ok... I'm not important... it's all about the dog.

So... I'm 4 months into it.... I feel like we are at 2 weeks into the relationship.

then all the "Dad" stuff happens. Seriously, he threatened me. Was Altered. Mentally disturbed. Made no sense when he talked. Acted like a jealous boyfriend.. which is just... Same crazy shit... it's just More...

and each time we have a "Thing" and it goes Sideways... it gets bigger. More to the point, she keeps saying "It will calm down, things will get better" She swears it to you.

It never happens constant blow ups... never getting any better, just worse... All the time with her it's "Things would be better, if only...." and something I had to do.

I need to accept her dad
I need to change the way I talk to her
I need to do X
I need to Y
Things would be better if she was wearing a different shirt.
Things would be better if only her bike was fixed...

Things will be better if only....

it's just a lie... It's a lie to ones self, a lie to each other... We make ourselves better. We make ourselves happy. Things will be better when I take control... and make myself happy. She isn't happy because she isn't happy. and she is trying to make me miserable in the process.

Because deep down.... something is terribly wrong.

there isn't anything I can do about it....

There just seemed to be no ability to..... Just be there and to connect... and... she just wanted to see me on the weekends... and then at the end for just a few hours. I was always dying to see her one or two times during the week. Who doesn't want to see a person they love... as much as possible. Just one time to just sit... and hold each other... be close and make the week feel fine.

nope... I got this.
"i'm busy"
"I work hard"
"i'm tired"
"you don't understand... I have a dog"

After barely seeing each other for months.... I begged her "Please, can we just make it through Christmas."
In the middle of the month, I found myself waiting for her again. Maybe she was going to show up... maybe not. I had asked..... Begged her to confirm if she was coming over or not, by phone by email... . 6pm... nothing. I'm just waiting around like a loser.... "maybe my girlfriend is going to show up"

Fuck it... I left.

this all escalates... "you are abandoning me" "You have to not act like this..." "things would be better if only you wouldn't get mad when I treat you badly"..... Seriously... this is the dialog ... somehow she is hurt... by her having me wait around for her. Her blowing me off.

This just escalates... I keep pleading with her "I just asked you to be on time"... Nope... all my fault... things would be better if I just enabled her treating me badly. I'm abandoning her. I'm the abusive one... with my needs and stuff.

These BTW are tell tail signs of an abusive relationship. Abusers insist on being enabled... everything is the co-Dependants fault... because they are stupid and kind and take it on. There is also a cycle of abuse. They can't function outside of what is similar to a bi-polar cycle. Everything is great.... then things flatten out... then they are miserable... they there is the fight.... then things work out...then things are Great... then they flatten out... then the fight.... and around and around you go. Each time it escalates... until either you enable the abuse... or you give up on the relationship... or you end up dead.

So... I'm home alone for Christmas.... The weekend ends... I look at it on my way home from being with friends.... "Why am I in a relationship, with someone who won't spend Christmas with me." I decide.... I'm not.

I end it.

new years eve comes... she wants back together. In the week between she is like "I'm sorry"... I asked her for what? Things just start escalating again. I'm over it. New years eve... she wants to be together....

My new years resolution is to have this be over. 7 months of horror.

I told her No. Nothing has been resolved... She left me for Christmas. I had no doubt she was going to pull "You left me for new years that makes us even". I say, that makes this relationship stupid, and lame and ridiculous.

Still the relationship is at what I see as a 2 or 3 week mark. still no real intimacy... Nothing will budge.

Also... who doesn't want to love or hold that someone special on Christmas???? WTF...

She never loved me.... It's sad... It's awful.... I told her as much... "I don't even think you can love"
this was not love. it was nasty to say it. But What the hell....

I always wonder... should it be; Love is never needing to say "you are sorry" or having to ask. Let alone beg....

She always said "this is because I just love you so much".... Huh! I'd hate to not have this kind of love...

Or maybe it's just better.... to not have this kind of love.

I've been asking myself "What is the universe telling me"... On this one.... I just think the universe threw Snake Eyes.

Things would be better ... if only....

Honestly... I'd pay money to cry for an hour.