Friday, October 18, 2013

Ritual to Intention... while drinking gin.

Well, Time to self medicate with a lovely martini.

I'm really caught up in the rituals of life. I almost feel OCD where 'everything will be fine' if I just perform this ritual. Yet, one needs the ritual of a clean bathroom. My bookshelf really did need to be better organized. My clothing need to be on the proper shelves. Twice a day, a nice cup of tea or breakfast. Sitting pondering.

A ritual of making a martini... a ritual of a cup of tea.. both amazing.. yet sometimes they feel impossible.

  but what wonderful rituals... we need them... Clean bathrooms, clean dishes, clean laundry. These rituals... Rituals that get us through our day. Yet rituals.. habits, habits of the mind are what destroy us. Disciplin. breaking those habits... is what frees us...
   What do I ponder, not pondering. Setting things in motion. Things are quiet now,  I miss days of angry bike riding. Crazy girlfriends and

Work without intention is empty motion.... WTF is intention...

Monday, October 14, 2013

Lets talk about action...


The irony if I left this blank.

My mind is so blank right now... I almost did it. It just wouldn't make the point that I'd like to attempt.

There is a person out there who has their own crisis, their dream is falling apart. They said, "If this fails, what will it mean for everyone with a dream."
In my head I said "It means that you have failed, that you didn't make it. It means nothing for dreamers." A dreamer though does not act. Just having a dream won't make it happen. We all dream, the point is to act... then don't hope. Even a miracle needs a hand....

You need more than a dream... you need work.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Oh to be a fish...

   It’s late, I intend to write some new things for the blog. At this point I don’t know where to start. I guess that is certainly a starting point. But… the best start right now is a cup of tea.

   For the past Month, or more for the past Six months, many of my thoughts have been focused on questions of existence. As I sit here, I wonder if it is questions, it is more the question of existence. When I was younger, it was clear to me that it was a silly thing to contemplate, one just existed and existed as best as one could. Contemplating it was like being a mouse on a wheel.  

   Sigh…. I need lip balm….I really just had to spend 10 min finding lip balm or it was going to irritate me. Strangely it illustrates one of the things I have been contemplating about existence, the things interfering with our ability to lead the life we want to live, moreover I want to live. Suddenly at this stage in life, this question has started beating in my heart as loud as the tell tale heart in the poem. Not Ironic. No, I didn’t kill a guy… but the point is the same.

More later.
   Loving those that are the most difficult.
   Self created realities.
   etc etc etc...

Sunday, October 06, 2013

Laying on the cold tiles.... to....

Laying on the bathroom floor….. Contemplating…. How did my life get so complicated… I want a martini, I want a great meal. Just finished a bike ride, I’m playing too much tennis… Just lay here… maybe the shower will just take me over… maybe like a gigantic venus flytrap it will grab me and clean me and this will all be over.
    Why is my life so complicated… why isn't my life just putting some gin in some juice and then eating a bowl of cheerios… they do make it in caramel and chocolate… no muss no fuss… just add milk…. just add gin. If only I could stand….
     I’ll just lay here, the carpets provide much appreciated comfort, laying on the tile would feel too much like a night of too much dancing and drinking… Just sit here… Ya, cheerios…. that would be nice…. My life needs to be simpler. Holy crap my toilet is dirty, how have I let it get that way…. That is nasty. My old mantra, nobody wants to have sex with someone if you can’t shower after and feel like you are getting cleaner.
   This is ridiculous, I can’t even get a shower… how the hell am I going to clean a toilet… I have to ride my bike more. Ok, maybe I can stand… no, I’ll lay here for a bit……. Ok, now I’m up… but I’m scrubbing the toilet… WTF!!! This is a joke… but at least my toilet is clean. Ok… shower…. Oh! lovely shower….Oh, clean shampooed… maybe I can get that martini… maybe if I put the comfy clothing on I can make that martini… it’s just a few ingredients and I can put them in the shaker, then I can get dressed… come back and finish.
     Martini done, now i’’m dressed… what I really want is some bread and some cheese and some mustard, some pesto, and some fruit… Ok, I can do that… Shit… the counter is dirty…Ok, I can clean that, I can put the dishes away and clean the counter.
Ok…. lets finish that martini….
 … Food on plate…
 … martini done, icy cold… like a cloud…
 … David Bowie on the record player…

 Sip that martini… Ok, this is what I was talking about.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

His problem....

"What is your problem!!", a 300 pound fat guy in an orange polo shirt.

Young man collects his football, which he apparently dropped, and throws it back to his dad.
His father is apparently a police officer and has driven his police cruzer to the peewee football practice. I'm sure to impress-intimidate the other people on the team.

Dear sir,
   I suspect his problem weighs 300lbs, is a police officer and wears an orange polo shirt.

Friday, September 20, 2013

Wrong side of lunch

I woke up on the wrong side of "you need to go fuck yourself" this morning. Well, the morning was fine, then I had to work, then I came back and... well "Y'all needed to go fuck yourselves".

I am fairly certain of it.

It's interesting, I think I'm more convinced than ever that y'all are hopeless. I don't think y'all know what makes you happy. Of course that makes me ask, Do I know what makes me happy?

There is something really wrong. I think we have enough distractions for 10 people. Movies, TV, Internet, Games. All of this getting us so far away from living our lives, so far away from Being alive. All of these distractions interfering with being alive. "Hang on a minute, I can't talk to you or help you I need to watch my favorite episode of Friends". It's a fantasy, it's a dream, It's like people are in a dream all the time. Then when your real life happens, you don't know what to do about it. You barely know how to live it. Barely know how to respect yourself or the people around you. Developmentally challenged... I can't turn a year older, I've spent the past year watching "the new girl" she is finally going on the big date. I can't live the idiot on 'the big bang theory' is pretending to be smart. I was watching some movie the other day, watched about 30 minutes of it and went "ya, All I can see are 3 bad actors on a shitty set, I'm turning this off"

Yet, where is my life, been trying to live it for years. It's not there. Read an article about happy people, who surround themselves with happy people. Easy to be a monk in a monastery. Another part is a life of service and caring about the people around you. If you are surrounded by people who are happy, they don't exactly need anything. It's people who are miserable who need service.... Easy to help people who don't need it. Funny little quandary there. If that is it, I'm doomed. Cause I have some of the most mixed up, miserable people around me you have ever seen.

Good luck.... I may not say it to you... but maybe it would be better if you internalize it.... Y'all need to go fuck yourselves.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Conversation with my dead brother.

“Jesus Christ, how the fuck can you own so many shit albums!”
“Patty Smith was the godmother of Punk!”
“Shut the fuck up! That is a load of bullshit.”
“but google says so”
“Have you heard that fucking album, they should use it on prisoners at Gitmo… It would make me talk. I also warn you that the other 40% of these bullshit albums will never see the light of day.”
“What are you talking about, I own the Patty Smith album”
“That album wanted to make me break glass and stab myself. You barely had any albums you were willing to listen to.”
“I loved those albums”
“enough to have the beat up in boxes for 20 years, Oh… and holy shit the ultimate ‘kurt weill’ collection. One fucking coltrain but 6 braxton, and the ultimate Brubek collection. Did you have something against Jazz from black guys? I don’t mean to be a douche but they are the only ones smoking enough weed to understand it.”
“hey now, that was uncalled for”
“You bought albums, how if you purchase ones you fucking like. The bowie and the Talking heads the clash… Ya, I get that. But there were 300 other albums. Were you just drawn to the Shitty soloist section in the record store?”
“Ok, so some of them I just purchased and didn’t like.”
“ya, I keep hoping for some real gems… even your Pink floyd collection was ‘compilations’ You fucking understand that they were concept albums, every one of them. So… NO FUCKING COMPILATIONS”
“Hey! I’m dead, you should be nice to me.”
“no, I should have been meaner when I was alive. Hang on a minute, I need to switch the record… I need to listen to another lame ass soloist sing Cole porter. And I love cole porter. Ya… well i’ll spend a lifetime torturing people with ‘i need to listen to some random album because I’ve never listened to ‘“cracks in the sidewalk” please indulge me as I torture my friends with your collection.”

Friday, September 13, 2013


Sitting, pondering, I don't even know what. That is the horrible thing about pondering... sometimes you can't even figure out what it is that you are pondering. I feel broken, 40 years and I sit here. I must be so much of an asshole that nobody wants me. Yet... are you kidding the fucking monsters that find relationships... er victims. And i'm obviously too fucked up there either.  In all of that mess, here I sit, friday night dateless. Don't really like 'going out' really. I like work, I like adventures. Not a woman in reach that I either "should' want to date, or would I date. Where is that good friend, who I'm just overlooking... Where is that obvious woman who I'm just not seeing because it's just too obvious... what I see in the dysfunctional relationships, I don't see in that person so I overlook the relationship. Where is my sweet end to my romantic comedy.

Monday, September 09, 2013

Chasing my brother's demons.

I want to write a story called "genius or bust" about my brother. Unfortunately the title comes from a car commercial for Mercedes, I think,  that I keep seeing during the US Open. This is my brother who just died. There has been no shortage of shit storm in my family since his passing. At least for me it's been a bit of a wake up call.

I've spent most of the past weekend and much of the week chasing my brother's demons. His daughter has something wrong with her, she seems infected with his demons. I picked up the phone and talked to her today for a solid hour. She really wanted to be talking to her dad, she got me, poor bastard.

My brother was a hoarder, Not too bad. When he was a kid he was picked on, somehow he retreated from it in books. He went to the local, very rural, library and the librarians were encouraging and would help him request special books from other libraries that they didn't have. This sparked a life long love of books. His escape was feeling smart by accumulating books, Buying books fed him emotionally. When he died his hoard was books, and movies. He literally suffocated under the the weight of his accumulation. Unable to fill a clean cup with water or refrigerate food under piles of refuse. Unable to use 2 of his 3 bathrooms, the third was accessible if he sort of moved around some stuff. It was also one of 3 places one could sit in his apartment. The toilet also served as his music room where he probably didn't play one of his 6 guitars. When he didn't play them, that was where it was.
(imagine this without chairs... and with garbage on the floor)
   My sister in law called me last week, she seemed to be very caught in his problems. I get that.... I though, well sometimes crazy is crazy... they just want to suck you in, drag you around in their madness and convince you that you can't escape either. You can escape, but you have to stay off the train, cause it just goes round and round.

Simplify, simplify, simplify......

Friday, July 26, 2013

Story... Office Depo

  This is seriously my life. This is what it is like to be me. You have to remember that my job... everything I do is centered around Fixing things. There is no bullshit with me. It is broke... it gets fixed. I do it as quickly and cheaply as possible.

   I needed an adapter for my stereo. I ran off to target, where I couldn't find it. The I delved into one of my local office depo. OH I hate that place. It's great if you want some paper... or ink. I walk in and sure enough there is the vulture sitting there
"Can I help you?"
My first instinct is to say "No, there is almost no fucking chance you can help me in any way.". Only today, and evil smile crossed my lips. Today I know the exact name of exactly what I want. "Sure, I need an 1/8 inch TRS connector which is the same as a headphone jack, to an RCA connector which is also known as a stereo component connector, do you have that?"

Confused... bewildered.... She said... " I don't know"

I said "now could you show me the various places connectors and audio stuff may be"

"well, here and here", she said as she asked the manager, if they had any 'audio stuff'

I said, "well is there anywhere else they may be?"

"no, but they say we don't have anything like that"

I replied "well if you don't mind, can I still look around... just in case you know... maybe you have it... and don't know it" I wanted to say 'just in case you are as totally incompetent as I think you are.'

I wandered around... found exactly what I needed. Walked up to the front counter where she was 'found it', I said.
"oh good", she said
"sure am glad I kept looking, you could have cost the store a sale"

It's ironic that there are these idiots sitting there at work. Trying to help the store... yet... there they are Losing the company money..... "can I help you?", me "you can't even help yourself"

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Harry times

I had to look up "Harry". It's a great word.

I'm oozing Beer and wing Sweat, what a charming visual that is. This blog ... it's for all the things I can't say. Maybe my goal should be to not have things that go on in my life that I can't say.

 My intent last night was to just drink some Gin and then go home. Some things escalate when they shouldn't or maybe they should have. Hopefully I just needed a good purge. Hopefully it's done. Not like anything happened. There was beer and wings that were too hot, and a conversation with some nice woman. Some times, for whatever reason the idea that some night drinking, got out of hand, brings frightening images to mind. I've never had a night like that, worst case is a night where you end up puking behind a dumpster. Series of awkward conversations, mostly where your breath smells so much of beer nobody wants to talk to you anyways..... Regretting every moment after the point you said "I'm going to go out".

My intent this morning was to get up early and ride my bike, feel like I'm not a lump of 200lb shit. Like I"m trying to become athletic..... I hiked for 4 hours yesterday, that was brutal. I wanted to get up this morning and ride my bike and maybe take it easy today.... maybe love myself some... Now here I sit, sweaty... indigestion... wanting to just go back to sleep for a few hours and feel better then....

I have to remember what I learned as a kid, nothing good ever happens at a bar.

Friday, July 12, 2013

woman with the tatoo

 Enter woman on the edge of being a white trash crack head. Putting her life back together... She gets a tattoo of all her children's names.
"see I love them so much I have had their names tattooed on my back", she says.

Little do you know she lost the first because she couldn't provide food and left her at her mother's house for weeks at a time.
Little do you know the next two she gave up for adoption, the new parents deciding not only to refuse to allow the mother any contact, but also the grandmother. Regardless of their declarations of love. Grandmother abandoning all three of her kids at about 12 years old, mostly because the kids poor behavior was interfering with her finding a decent man... Of course dad ... both of them were pedophiles. But... she loves her kids. CPS took those two after abandoned them to go on a crack binge with dad.
  The next two... well after managing to stop cps from taking them. Dad and his father decided that 3-4 years old was good enough to satisfy their sexual desires with the young girl.... Those two children are now with dad's mother. Tattoo woman's mother exclaims with no irony, "but she is the one who let her kids get molested in the first place".....

The jaw dropping irony... the kind that can only make you sit stupid and drool.... "I know how to be a mother!!!" but two of your kids are in jail for felonies... and being child molesters....

She couldn't take care of her kids, couldn't feed them, Couldn't keep them safe, couldn't be bothered to watch them on the weekends.... but she loves them.... She has a tattoo.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

life and limb

   I went to bed early last night. Woke up this morning, I think I was hoping to wake up with a renewed sense of life or excitement. I just woke up refreshed but with the same pain. I don't deserve this. Yes save me the platitudes about how we don't get what we deserve. Yes, I should stop settling for less. I should demand more out of my life. Well that was easily said.

To look back on 40 years of life, to even reflect on other lives. Even say accomplished people and say, "is that all" This is what we are here for? That is life? I have had more sex than anyone I know in the past 3 years. Yet it's been miserable. I remember what it was like when I wasn't dating. I think, that wasn't that bad, it was at least more pleasant than this. or it was less unpleasant than this. .It doesn't make sense that life should be like this. I sometimes reflect that some peoples lives are more like bacteria, or fungus attached to this planet. They just kind of grow and consume what they can. I'm not sure you can call that a life. It's not surviving it's just consuming.
That being alive is so unremarkable, that it is so pedantic. It makes me sick to my stomach... makes me be even less interested in this thing y'all call life. Whooo hooo your toddler pooped in the potty.... Wow... we really are reaching for the moon there. Worse, to have such a low bar and be bad at it.

cure cancer.... but what will be the result of that? more bacteria.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Letting it all go.

I was asked about my year the other day. I will admit I feel good, I'm getting back into shape. I feel good. That being said my reply was, "This is about the worst year I have ever had." My oldest brother died in april. My other brother fell off a roof two weeks ago and has been in the ICU until just a few days ago. Ridiculous fights with just about everyone. Yet in some ways my family is getting healthier, much healthier. Through all the fighting, through all the drama... everyone is responding. Tooth and nail blood feuds.

   In all this, I seem to have shed both my unhealthy love interests. I really think I have done it this time. I've accepted that though they love me.... Their love is hollow. That as one person says "the juice is not with the squeeze". I've been haunted by this all day. For some reason I have also been haunted by the blade runner sound track This was really the theme to.. to the romance I had that I should have kept.... The one that I should have married. I let her go, she moved on, had 2 kids. Great husband.... That is life. But this soundtrack reminds me of getting high and being in love.

I'd like to do all of that again....

I've seen things you wouldn't believe.....

Thursday, June 06, 2013

The invasion.....

Her name was Normandy. Before I met her the floor nurse said her name, I asked.... like the "beachhead"?

she said, "Yep, and oh she doesn't hear that all the time"

I laughed, my entire family heard the conversation. of course they missed the sarcasm and then when she showed up they proceeded to ask if her father was in WWII or her Grandfather... I imagine there were jokes about her sister being "Iwo Jima". I'm not sure what it is that we all make the most obvious uncomfortable jokes. I'm not a big fan of the "teasing"... I find it to be a just a mild form of cruelty.

Saturday, June 01, 2013

oh blog.... where have we been

   As I sit down I don't know what I am going to write. I'm filled with anger and rage.... my blood sugar is fluctuating, that isn't helping. Nothing seems to be able to go right for me... I'm asking very little of the universe, I get exhaust fumes in return. I'm putting in hour after hour trying to get the ship righted.... it's just not working. Boat is sinking.... where are the life rafts...

  Sick of complaining about it, sick of bitching about it....There is no help possible... no rest for the wicked I guess.

Saturday, May 25, 2013


.... I was a bad man today. I was descending today, and didn't take my headphones out. I came 6 inches from a car. I'm sure they were freaked. It was a moment where I had resigned myself to being hit. I didn't need to over correct. I was certainly spooked. It's where my head is at right now.... Edge of the envelope.

   I've become Hyper Productive. I haven't seen this since Pre-Girlfriends. I'm hoping this time of year is Post girlfriends.

One of the blog readers will know what I'm talking about here. Met this woman today, I'm thinking.... Well you have to meet more woman, I hear there are healthy woman. Her posture said she was friendly. Of course then went the teasing. Yes, I feel bad today... I'm going to drink water. I know you feel bad for whatever, but don't get me involved. I'm just nauseous. Making fun of my health, does not make me like you. It's also a bit of a red flag.

  I realized today I was kind of a confrontation hound. I saw someone victimize then try and become a victim all in 30 seconds. I hate people.....
You haven't heard from me in a while..... I'm working on that.


Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The wee hours of the morning

It's 3:30 am. This isn't good.

The old demons have be by the Heels ....

can't I have a boring life.... why have y'all rejected it.....

Rejected the one thing I crave.....

Where is my boring life
Living in a cottage..... taking care of the garden....
Where is that boring life..... why is that so hard?

Saturday, May 11, 2013

It's the old wounds...

Chased by demons, fairly aggressively, today. I don't know what it is, well sort of. Watching Black Swan Didn't help.... WTF a stabbing.... but I digress.

Lots of memories, unkind memories... why now.... why today... Just to remind me I guess. I must need a reminder.

Why am I chased by all these demons. I don't deserve them. It's like being locked in another person's hell. Foolishly I tolerate it. I said.... a few years ago.... Life is like a great melodrama. Those were the good old days. Those were those halcyon days, when I felt like it was all in front of me. I guess it was, who knew it was going to be like this.... I guess you never know.

There is a duality in people. Someone said there are 3 people. Their Self then their Secret self.... I think the third was the crazy self. I don't buy that. The duality seems like "the person" then the things that person does to survive.... I think someone said Morals are not things we discard when things get tough, those are hobbies. But in that duality... are they rotten..... or broken...

I just want to get some sleep.... just want it all to go away... never does.

I can't even drink enough to really make it go away...

chasing demons. .... it's the old wounds.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Filled with hate

I'm still ..... Well, filled with hate.

I'm just tired of it..... Tired of all of it..... I'm liking my bike rides.... I guess I"m getting fitter.... hard to workout and get less fit.

Fed up.... I don't really have more words for it. I was sitting here hoping I could come up with 100 words on how I feel.... I'm irritable, Don't really want to be around anyone..... Just want someone to hug and love me....

if only one could eat enough pie to fill in all the emotional holes.

How do I make a pie full of hate....

My perfect day.

This is my version of a perfect day.

Awake Coffee, yogurt.... fruit... maybe some some light grain.

a good 6 hours of productive work and 3-4 hours of exercise.

Exhausted, one's significant other is there.  "you help clean up, then help me with dinner".

Quick meal prep... Exhausted eating and some cuddling and falling asleep watching some movie or other....

That is a perfect day.....

Exhausted into sleep...  Wake up.... and kick the world in the ass again....

Somehow ...... this is difficult. ..

one day at a time....

It's a fairly ugly world I see these days. I was out this evening, Imagine this.

You meet someone they say "Hey! I'm in a band."
"That is awesome! What kind of band?", you reply
"Well it's sort of Cover band Tribute band"
"What sort of stuff do you play? what bands?"
"Well; Kind of .... The Monkeys, beach boys, maybe some Herman's Hermits. "

These guys were playing in some shopping center today. Watch out, one of them had his Jazzy parked next to him on lead guitar...... Yes... they do play weddings.

As I sat there assessing the crowd. 1 in 12/15 of y'all are too fat to have sex. I mean.... .maybe you manage.... but it seems like it would get ugly. Is it the steroids in the meat doing it..... WTF...... it's like being Neutered by BigMacs and fries.
This is your life... and it's passing one day at a time.

Thursday, May 09, 2013

I still really fucking hate you.

   A few days ago I had that feeling. The feeling that the future was in flux. That there was a future out there that    was not anything I could imagine. A future where the players are unknown, where the board is not one I've seen. I think I just hope that somehow the rules I recognize   I realize I had become groundless. Which is good to be honest. A clean slate for the future.....

    A day ago..... things started to flow. The flow of the world started to pump it's breath back into me. It felt like a cool clean glass of water had finally touched my lips. Like my feet had hit the trail.

Like moments of lucidity. Feelings of clear and centered guidance a world which moved under my feet, where the sun shined, where clear healthy winds blew and filled my lungs with a delicious elixir. Head held high..... a body stirred.

Still some of the darkness lingers. It still holds me in it's grasp... Still I can see and feel it's tendrils. Still they make me tremble.... They still startle me and stop my breath...... Just breath..... Just breath.....

refrain the title.


..... She read it. Finally, she bothered to check the old e-mail and read what was inside.

I know what was inside, I wrote it. Nothing angry, nothing bitter. There was a time when I would concern myself with how someone would feel reading something I wrote or hearing something I told them. That isn't my concern..... that is life.... Life is .... people have feelings. People make decisions..... People make choices. It's not for me to take any of that on. It's for me to deal with my feelings, to make my choices. Beyond that..... let the chips fall.

   I know it sent her spinning. I know her brain is on fire. Somehow this wasn't her game. Somehow this... isn't what she wanted. She wanted to roll along, her rules.... her game..... Suddenly, like a truck it hit her..... the melodrama has spun out of control .... no longer is it the game she thought she was playing....

   The lying the manipulating..... all of it... teetering again. All I wonder now.... how do I deal with the response. If there is any.

Wednesday, May 08, 2013

on thrift and booze

I'm going to try something new. I'm going to try and write and give it until the morning to publish it. I want to write an essay about writing, my writing.

One of the things this blog used to have was honesty. That was when it was best. I actually regret the fact it's harder to be honest. I think that honesty is the best part of real writing. That is much of what I would like to start getting back to.

It's also funny, sometimes I have an idea and I spit it out....... well 3 sentences later.... I've said it and that is the ball game. One paragraph....

I cracked open my last beer..... I'm hoping something can open the flood gates here.

I've really been metaphorically picking myself up off the floor for the past few months. Don't ask me why..... don't ask me how I got there.... Sort of an entangled mess of ... well when things are a mess or a Knot of tangled nonsense. Obviously it's impossible to explain a tangle web that to describe it as anything besides just that.

I sort of wish I could get really drunk and just wallow in it and get it all out. I am so filled with hate. If I mix that with my own self loathing for my lack of super hero status.... other various self loathing. Here it is 9pm and I want the day to end.... and I don't want tomorrow to start.... but it will, if I want it to or not.


I'm starting to doubt love will ever be what it once was. Now that I've said that, One has to wonder, I wonder if it ever was.

    I guess it has to be, If we didn't know the feeling, one wouldn't know the feeling that we were missing. Sense of wonder and excitement....... All it's promise.....

    Maybe that is what love is.... Promise. Sometimes I'm blown away by how words become the very epitome of the word. We make a promise to someone.... We keep that promise. In all of that promise.... we have promise. That is a relationship, the long lost healthy relationship..... The white Unicorn of Love.... To have and live up to our promise.... More to the point even to live up to our own promise. To live with promise.

   The antithesis... those that make promises they never intend to keep. Those that don't know what one is. Those that will never live up to any promise..... those that only make promises to convince people into giving them what they want. To never be willing to agknowledge the promise.... to lie about it even happening.

Tuesday, May 07, 2013

Hard days

I could just use feeling good for 10 hours. I've managed a couple hours. As much as I loath my physical condition.... It's improving. I need to not de-rail it. I also need to forgive myself for eating some bad crap... Meaning Wings and beer. Then eating... a plate full of turkey and cheese and some bread and pepperoni... .Why do I feel guilty about that. Besides the bread I should feel good.....

I just want to be a superhero and I want it now.

I want to not feel fat, I want to not be angry, . I want my shirts to not feel like tents(though maybe optimistically they are getting looser). I want to not hate myself..... I want to not hate everyone else.

I want to wake up refreshed and satiated. I want to feel like a new dawn has started and more progress can be made..... I want to be clear of thought and intention..... I want to be loved and respected.....

I want to put in hard days and feel like they are paying off.......

crackers with your...

I was talking to my father.... he had to tell me how he had paid bills today. You never met a person who took 2-3 days a month to pay bills. I know what avoiding it is like, but it really only takes an hour or two..... They also have bill pay.

I laughed at him. Then he added to victim status by saying "don't pick on me"....


Then I kick off an hour of self loathing about complaining about anything. Ya... You can fuck off. My body hurts and I need some sympathy and encouragement.

Felt good, tried not to kick off the self loathing of not riding today. something is off in one of my knees but I think it's ok, I want it to heal.... I'd jump off a bridge if I ended up taking a few days off at this point..... Well I'd probably just kill someone.

Feel like under me some strong legs are developing.... now if they could push something fitter than the bag of potatoes up top.

.... break open the gin.

How if I drink all day.

I pulled off my morning routine in 15 minutes..... Lets strava that!!! But now it has lead to a long morning of ..... Hating my day....

How if I quit.

maybe the coffee will kick in soon

Monday, May 06, 2013

The past month or so...

So..... I haven't gotten into this.

One friend who thinks that with my brother dying..... obviously I now want to get married. Unaware that when we dated..... she broke up with me 30-40 times.... like twice a month.

Another friend who didn't understand why she didn't get attention while I was In new Jersey, and when I spent the following weekend with family..... and why I couldn't fulfill her emotional needs during that time. Into the first of several tantrums.

Neither of them realizing that..... They broke up with me....

I'm telling everyone... here is a secret, if you want to be in a relationship. Don't break up with the person you want to date. I know....

This crap on top of my brother dying..... Ugh....

Curb Kicking!!

Tired as nails

I'm exhausted and on edge. I want to go to bed and get some good sleep..... wake up and start again tomorrow. I'm fairly emotionally worn out..... ya, taxing on the body and it's getting me on edge.

I think I may stop drinking... mostly.... You know for a time.... I really think that is part of my fitness problem. I mean.... to think about the gallons of booze I have had in the past months.... I don't think it has helped.

Lots of recovery today..... I am both completely emotionally worn out and.... want to chew nails.  so... that is a nice feeling...

so long...

More rambling

I have one remaining episode of "The Prisoner" to go. I'm going to be psyched to have it over. It's not very good. I'm just finishing it to prove I have the stamina to do so.

I do intend to write as I watch. What shall I write about. I swore I had something. I'm going to drink a cup of tea..... I should drink more tea. I rode for nearly 4 hours. Zero food. My riding is getting worse. Last fall, in horrible shape. I was moving nearly twice as fast. Even last week I was faster.

I'm guessing my current results, relative to past weeks are mostly because I'm getting fatigued and could use some rest. No rest for the wicked. I do feel stronger.....

The only easy day was yesterday......

What I don't like..... I'm riding on negative emotions. Lots of hate and anger and self loathing. I'd say I'm riding on the dark side, what I don't like about saying that is that we have negative emotions, its best to not pretend that they are there. They don't clear unless we let them out. Just because I can ride and am riding on negative emotions, doesn't mean they are taking over. It just means that they are there. What I don't want is for them to the the "source" of my riding. Otherwise we create the negative energy to keep the hate going to make it all happen. That is what I don't want..... at least that is my thesis.

I've also taken it easy, told myself to give myself a break. Just try and ride with some joy. I'm hoping that builds.

More tea.... How delicious, fruity tea.

Sunday, May 05, 2013

Work and a dark place

I have to remember that it's working. I have to remember that all this work is worth it. Today's ride was as bad as it gets. Digging in as hard as I can. I said last weekend that it's how hard it feels, not how hard I ride. How it feels is the real sense for how hard I rode, how much I"m earning it.

I said today that I wish my body would just submit and decide to be athletic. I'm tired, and exhausted....I feel like crap.... I hate my fitness.... I hate my life. I'm really putting in the effort. I'm impatient for it to pay off. I'm working hard.
I look at where I was in the fall and feel like so much crap..... and I was in shitty shape in the fall. It's all my time on Google Pluss and probably all the Gin and Scotch I have drunk in the past 8 months. I look back and imagine how many gallons I have drunk..... Ugh....

Dark places indeed... Need to keep climbing out..... Need to get to where I was, need something....

I quit

Everyone hates me right now BTW. Yep, well many of you do not. Yet.... my usual people who say "I'm sorry you hurt." "Good job on the hard ride" "you are awesome, Keep doing it" "Atta boy" ..... "let me put some lotion on that"...... Well they all hate me now. Good for them...

I mean... what did I ever do but try and keep relationships going with them.... when they wanted to be crazy.

but I digress... On my ride today, that was the internal dialog "I fucking quit" Of course I did this until I couldn't climb any more. Saying .... well I can do one more hill... then I quit..... No... I can do the next hill.... then I'll really quit. Next road marker... then I quit... Until I said.... Oh... fuck... I just can't do that.

all on no food. I wanted to bring food.... but I was distracted and disoriented out the door and my pockets were empty.......

but seriously... I fucking quit.

aren't there supposed to be rewards for this shit..... and seriously Strava says "I suck".... Nice to have gutted myself and come home and have strava say "You rode like you felt.... Fucking quit loser"


It sort of feels like an earthquake under my feet right now. The whole ground is shaking and i'm just trying to to stay upright. It's good. It shakes out all the refuse. All the weak links.

Oreo's btw are really not good dipped in milk. I think good washed down with milk... not good drenched in milk. Not like chocolate chip cookies.

Strange, I need to have some belief that things will turn out, that things will be good. Maybe that things will be less crazy or a manageable level of crazy. I don't have much tolerance for it. I have an ability to deal with it, but I don't like it. By tolerance... it just means I literally can't tolerate it. Funny, I developed a fairly hyper aware sense for the nonsense.

ah... cookies.... Seriously... cookies and the earthquake are not related.

Saturday, May 04, 2013


Or lack thereof....

Yesterday Kicked my ass. Probably overdressed, some odd 800 feet of real climbing. More than that if I get to count every gyration. But it hurt. The good thing is I feel just a little bit more like an athlete today. I managed a small ride today. I'm trying not to hate the ride I'm going to do tomorrow. Who knows.... I'm just trying to enjoy it. That may be working.... just to enjoy my rides....

Ride with love and joy....

maybe live with love and joy. 

more over it...

.... Seem to be over much of the bullshit.

Honestly sick of the crazy people. Can't take it anymore. I'm trying to free myself of all of it, create a vacuum  and hopefully some good stuff will fill in.

It's a lonely prospect. Things shouldn't be this way..... There should be more love in the world. I don't mean more Sex. I know people are shallow. But for hells sake, could there just be more love. Tons of resources, tons of time on our hands.... And what do we do with it.... Not enough love I'll tell you that...

And the shallowness..... seems like it's part of what destroys us.... Like sex got tacked onto love like a parasite. Obviously some nice Loving sex is a good thing.

Please.... I beg "the powers that be, Out with the bullshit and in with some good"...

I'm so tired of the bullshit.

Thursday, May 02, 2013

Going to do a sort of drunken homage to W.S.Bouroughs....

I was inspired by something. I don't remember what.... dislike bile anger.... hate.... I should type this up on the typewriter.... the dynamics of form change the art.....  Form and technology can dictate art almost as much as theme.

Yes, pardon me I have been drinking..... Sometimes it's what breaks loose the cobwebs....... Judge... don't judge.... it's what I have.

1994.... You know it is a fucking eternity ago.... some of the kids today were born there... lets do the math. 1994-2012. ... fuckers born then are 18 now. Speed, dumb and dumber, Forest Gump.... they were born that year... they have no recollection of those..... it's not until 2000 that they start to remember.... beyond that they are "Classics" Forrest gump as a classic...... I'm not a smart man, Jenny!!!! Run Forrest Run.... it's a fucking classic to them. They smell a whiff of the seven samurai....... War Games was a quaint and curious future...... I lived that shit....

Jesus... how much I hate Jesus. Biblical scholars can't agree on if Jesus was born in a manger or a cave.... if the "last supper" was passover or not..... but evolution.... that is a problem... because every nuance hasn't been worked out. I hate to say this outloud... but if you don't know if he was born in a manger... you probably don't know if he was born. I mean fuck... was he a carpenter or a laborer.... ya.. .the text isn't clear...

but some olives and some unleavened bread can cure anything

I dig this writing .... This is much better... much .... more real... Feels good.... Feels honest.

I want a taco!!!

Down to you and me

White Wine.... I may have to finish the bottle.

The bungled and the botched.

I think I need about 10 more friends.....

Ever get the feeling you are being punished for your sins..... What sins? Punished for being decent. we are all punished.....

What if I drink straight out of the bottle.

Lone Peak

I am going to set a cross training goal. I think I'm going to do lone peak soon. I need to do something solid first. I've put a few miles in on my feet. They should be good.

It would be nice to do a short back back to prep.

Seems like it would be a fun way to get more fitness going.....

Sure I could solo it in one day.... That isn't that much fun.....

Wednesday, May 01, 2013

I think that overall I'm feeling good. I feel like I'm on a fresh start on the old pathway. I'm not much into the old bullshit and ready for some new things.
Feels like the old zest is coming back.

I remember an old mantra....

Shit is going to change or something is going to get broke. allonzy!!!

Tired of ...

Well, I'm exhausted from being angry. It's going to ebb and flow but.... exhausted from it.

Today was a rest day. I'd like to rest more.

ugh.... Going to lay down.


   So, I had a dream. I had a car very like the car in "the wrath"

It seemed to run on Jelly jet fuel... and they started selling it at gas stations. I don't know probably about my anger.
Somehow there were some women, and I was dating one.... but some dude kept trying to steal my car and it was getting in the way of my relationship.... or something.
Not sure my anger currently is getting in the way of anything date wise. I don't know. I guess regardless, my anger is my anger and the emotion is real.

I had a thought about my anger, it was more that I sort of needed it. Need to not deny my real feelings, that isn't healthy. Just because I'm angry.... I think I get to be angry. One of my thoughts was that maybe I don't get angry enough. Maybe I still withdraw and repress my anger.

Some of my anger is certainly at myself. That was what the therapist(my bike) said today. As much as I'm angry at some externalities, maybe even at the world at large. I'm also angry at myself.... I need to do more, I need to be more.

Ride with love and joy......
One of the things that strikes me. I look around at the woman around me. I see impossible relationships, ones that are friendships. It's good, it's healthy. People far away as well as woman who I know won't date me.

Then there are the dysfunctional ones. I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago. She was talking about something, I said...."that is not what she told me 6 months ago" she lead me to believe something completely opposite. She was lying now or she was lying then. A direct lie. Either way she was leading me to believe she was someone who she wasn't. I was like....

I guess for the most part I must be too honest, I guess I should accept all the lying that goes on. I just feel stupid when it's like I'm being taken advantage of.

Where is that In between woman..... where is she....

I was talking to .... I keep wanting to think that I'm just not seeing this right woman. I'm too caught up in bullshit. Somehow she is invisible.... but ... I take a count of the woman in my life. It's like some kind of polar opposite thing.

I was talking to a friend.... It's just that woman who can just hang on for long enough. One that can just manage to not throw furniture at me or spend 3 hours telling me shit she hates about me.... well that I already hate about myself.... Ya! Lady, I'm working on it. If you shut your pie hole for long enough to let me deal with it. I could start working on it.....

But when do I get my Tirade.... when do I get to say "You are an ungrateful Bitch! I spent three hours trying to fix that thing you were complaining about..... When will you extend that same courtesy....

bla bla bla.....
Where is the woman who can just love me for a while. I mean... I'm just asking for one every other month... or half of one every month.

When do I get to have a tantrum..... Maybe I should have more or something.... maybe my expectations are too high.

Where is all the new wine.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Turmoil.... and

Giving an update. I want to write good things. These, I know are not it. I do like to try and write.... I want to really express ideas, good ideas. It's a difficult thing, some kind of line between shitting on the page and Developing a craft. I still wonder if this is helpful. I do apologize. I'm sure these posts are ok, and have their moments. They are more an emotional purge than craft. Again, sorry.

Ya, there is some turmoil. Here I am at 11pm I really want to sleep. Not sure why, besides to get some rest. I don't have much on my plate tomorrow. I probably need some rest. How am I going to rest though.... maybe if I just lay down and rest.

Still angry... but kind of over it. I think I have been angry and besides my disappointment  I think I have had my emotion and .... we will see.

Disappointed.... that is the word.

I'm not happy to have ridden with rage today, I'd rather ride with love or with joy. I sort of tried. it was a tough day on the bike. 10mph winds.. I see many of the guys complaining about it. Fuck you ..... you ... fucktards.

Maybe that should be my new mantra.... ride with love or for joy.

This is all I have.


I went out and flagellated myself on the bike. Filled with hate right now. Sorry, but this is where I'm getting my emotions out right now. It's not like most the people who read the blog are the people I dislike. To be honest most of you are probably the only people I can stand right now. It's not like I hate you.

  I'm just filled with hate. 3 hours on the bike way out as far as I could stand then back in a 10mph headwind. Soul crushing.... Well, one would hope. My soul is kind of crushed right now.

This reminds me of the whole Sarah incident. That was a mistake. What it reminds me of is how much I want to ride all day or hike then drink until I can't stand.

So 3 hours of bike riding.... Now we will see what happens.

The horrible thing is that to not be able to come up with a better metaphor .... it just feels like the dark side is calling. Like a siren call.....It's hard not to just be filled with a ton of hate right now.


I'm on deck for a 3 hour session with my therapist(my bike). As someone said "a stern strict therapist". I'm not sure how much I agree.... cause cyclists are not exactly unequivocally sane. It's still good to go out and clear the cobwebs.

   I'm still very angry


I have this dream where there are roving bears. We have to kill them to protect ourselves. this one is probably some kind of predator dream. Obviously.... there are predators out to get us.

It's recurring. Yep.... not real fond of people right now....
lets see if I can get another couple hours of sleep.

The impossible sleep

Well, now sleep is impossible. I hate everything I try and watch.

Ya, well.... these are the emotions and they are not any fun......

Just for joy... and to get it out... Go Fuck Yourself..... That is the mood I am in.

Yep... I hit it...

Some good solid anger. Good for me.

Nobody to share it with.... which is apropos to my life....

ya.... Jam it....

Monday, April 29, 2013

Demons..... Redux....better than reflux

One of those days.

I'm just exhausted. Need to take some vitamins. This is really taxing. I'm not used to working, riding, and playing.

Shaking, Chasing, Battling, Being devoured, Tormented, Teased.... By all the Demons.

Sometimes I just forget what I'm supposed to do about them. I used to ignore them, I used to face them and realize they weren't real. Strange thing is they always came back. I guess if they return they are real.... in my mind or not.

I've always said that the only tattoo I would get would be one that protected me from evil. Maybe it needs to remind me what to do about demons.

What do you do?

and a Google search doesn't help... because demons are a metaphor for our psychological demons.

I've tried the gin as well, what I have liquor can't seem to cure.

I do know I'm supposed to talk to my friends.... I tried that. Nobody seems to be home.... 1000 ways to contact people... nobody is there. One of those Ironies... we have never been so in contact... never been so far away from each other.

I think I'm supposed to fight the demons.... I think I have to face them head on..... and kick their ass.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Long week, long weekend

It's been a long weekend. I've called and messaged every person I know. Everyone's cup is full. Mine is not. It's moments like this where I want to share what a rough week it has been with someone dear. Right now there is nobody. It seems so little to ask, I guess 'Some' of the connotation.... some of the baggage is more than ...
Just saying, just because I called doesn't mean anything but I wanted to talk with someone.... even about nothing.

When all else fails...... There is always the Gin.....
and Bowie....

Bowie loves me!!!! I know he does.

Hmmm.... maybe he is the original hipster..... but.... if that is true he really was Original Gangster.


So tired I can only write about being tired...... Long weekend with tons of bike fun..... too much drama..... and not enough love.....

This is all I have.... and what seems like a dehydration headache.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Something in the air.

This had me almost crying on the bike today.
Your coat and hat are gone
I really can't look at your little empty shelf
A ragged teddy bear
It feels like we never had a chance
Don't look me in the eye

We lay in each others arms
But the room is just an empty space
I guess we lived it out
Something in the air
We smiled too fast 
Then can't think of a thing to say

Lived with the best times
Left with the worst
I've danced with you too long
Nothing left to say

Let's take what we can
I know you hold your head up high
We've raced for the last time
A place of no return

And there's something in the air
Something in my eye
I've danced with you too long
Something in the air
Something in my eye

Abracadoo - I lose you
We can't avoid the clash
The big mistake
Now we're gona pay and pay
The sentence of our lives
Can't believe I'm asking you to go

We used what we could
To get the things we want
But we lost each other on the way
I guess you know I never wanted 
Anyone more than you

Lived all our best times
Left with the worst
I've danced with you to long
Say what you will

But there's something in the air
Raced for the last time
Well I know you hold your head up high
There's nothing we have to say
There's nothing in my eyes
But there's something in the air
Something in my eye
I've danced with you too long
There's something I have to say
There's something in the air
Something in my eye
I've danced with you too long

Great Joy

One of the great joys of cycling. One of the indulgences I allow myself.

After a long ride, a nice long shower and liberally spreading lotion all over after a nice shower. It's like feeling  like I never have before. Like feeling soft and happy and Filled with great joy.
Oh.... how can I finish that post without that reference...
It may be creepy.....
But how can you not do it? Riddle me that Batman?


I really wish I could write a few paragraphs on love. My current thoughts on love.

well.... they just aren't in me at this point

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Bike game....

It feels like it's on.

Somehow I managed to get a muscle in my upper back tweeked, not pulled, I think just cramped. It's time for the vitamins, time for the regular bananas, time for the supplements...
Yet.... Good lord i'm out of shape. Seems like a lot to go from ..... slow to go.

Strange what it takes to light the fuse....

who knows maybe the fuse isn't lit.


I didn't see her when I was there..... Maybe she quit.... maybe she knows I'm stalking her and hides..... Le Sigh....(snark)

As I locked up my bike with my super duper bike lock, Not pictured
It is amusing to me that my bike lock is worth more than my bike. I find it Ironic. Also Ironic is that My bike and lock are still more valuable than any of the bikes locked up on the rack.

Here is a sign of being of advanced age..... It's also amusing that the other bikes are depreciating and mine is appreciating.

Bike Game.

Deep thoughts

What is it in dream analysis. So much overthinking.

I fell asleep at like midnight or one. I'm sleeping ten hours so I get up at 10 or so.

My last dream was. Ordering food with my extended family, breakfast or dinner. For some reason I was moving, and moving my records. and for some reason I was dating "lori" from The walking dead.

Of course I date crazy
The last thing was lori saying I need to communicate better.

wow..... deep, don't we all.

Sometimes a dream is just a dream and a banana is just a banana.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013


Now this little piece of wisdom from James Bond.

"why do Chinese girls taste different from other girls?"

Oh.... the 60's
You only live twice