Work and a dark place

I have to remember that it's working. I have to remember that all this work is worth it. Today's ride was as bad as it gets. Digging in as hard as I can. I said last weekend that it's how hard it feels, not how hard I ride. How it feels is the real sense for how hard I rode, how much I"m earning it.

I said today that I wish my body would just submit and decide to be athletic. I'm tired, and exhausted....I feel like crap.... I hate my fitness.... I hate my life. I'm really putting in the effort. I'm impatient for it to pay off. I'm working hard.
I look at where I was in the fall and feel like so much crap..... and I was in shitty shape in the fall. It's all my time on Google Pluss and probably all the Gin and Scotch I have drunk in the past 8 months. I look back and imagine how many gallons I have drunk..... Ugh....

Dark places indeed... Need to keep climbing out..... Need to get to where I was, need something....