Procrastination

Procrastination....

Which "aparently" I can spell... I can't spell "apparently" but procrastination... that I can do.

I keep thinking... I'll be able to get something done... as soon as I get a shower.... as soon as I get this coffee drunk... as soon as I finish watching this tennis match....

this has been going on for about a week. I'm trying very hard to sit down and get some work done.

as I sit here.. I have cleaned my desk... made vegetable stock. Working on a glitch on this other computer. I took a shower. I'm thinking about taking another one. I think I need a shave.... tomorrow I get a haircut....

I keep thinking if maybe I get a coke....

you see... I don't think it will help.

I did take a nap... that almost helped after the nap, I managed to sit at my desk, and I managed opening up the project on my computer.

Well shower and a shave it is.....

spin twirl and suffer.

I'm sitting here remembering what it was like to blog all the time. I just took a shower and I remembered how strange it used to be when I could just write anything that came into my head. I guess there was a point in time that I faced all my demons. Funny that now I feel like I have faced them. Like most of them have moved past me. Most of them... and when I say "Most" I mean all the ones that I knew about that I feared. Well those fears, those demons have moved past me... moved on.

What is strange though.... I can't share "what is going on" inside this old mouse infested head of mine. Mostly because it is not my truth anymore, it's other peoples truth. I've been entrusted with them and I don't get to share them. Now I realize that what I need to do is face my fears... and part of that is to talk about them and confront all the "things" that mess with us. To share that "dark place" to share that Dark terror that nags and haunts us. It's funny I keep encoraging people to share it... yet... they keep going back to hiding it. No mater how much better they think it is to share it, and to let me connect with them and their pain. They keep wanting to hide it... they don't get how I want to hear it... I want to share it... that it is the natural thing to share that pain with another person.....

they just bury it.... "it's my cross to bare"... then they eat it..... and it just tears them to shreds....

Nancy said to me.... "why is it that it seems to be better when I say it. That all I have to do is say it".....

funny that that is just what I want to do.... I just want to share it for them.... problem is.... they don't ....

So I watch them spin and suffer.....

Hmmm some updates

I am kind of upset right now, so I seem to have nothing else to do but post here.

I spent most of last night and most of the morning breaking up with my girlfriend. The jist of it from me was "your life is too fucked up, and you are in a constant state of screwing mine up. I know you mean well, but I've had my fill"

She hoped that this morning I would relent. I said, "I can't spend the next year worrying about you every day, you have to chose to put an end to this stuff." and she wouldn't. to her defense, she doesn't even know how. It was just too much for me, I couldn't live in a constant emergency.

It was the right decision, it's just strange when the only decision you can make is to not care about someone so that their horror show life doesn't affect yours. My only choice was to stop caring..... of course that is hard.

I guess it is all my fault for letting it all happen, should have ended it many months ago.

Ryan posted a post about Mormons.... I have one thing to say about the Mormon Zellots, the ones who are "hard core". Freud talked about overcompensation, I kid you not there is a huge element of the church who like warren jeffs are just using it for pedophilia. I'd even go as far as saying part of the fundamental issue with "plural wives" has to do with it being an 1700-1800's excuse for being attracted to children. These Zellot Mormons are using the church to hide their pedophilia or any number of perverse sexual or psychological deviance. There are some decent Mormons, but after all the things I've seen I'd never trust a Mormon with my kids, especially one who "talked the talk", many of them just use it to get access and gain trust.

fun fun fun.....

I hope I can get out on a bike ride.... one problem is that she broke my MP3 player months ago, and I haven't had time to set up the new one.

cry cry cry.... just move on.....

long time no update

So much to not blog. There are tons of things going on for me. Like I have covered many moons ago. One of the problems with knowing a few people and having people I now know reading the blog. Well I tend to have a ton of secrets.

Fuck!!!

I honestly wish the blog was anonymous again. I'd love to share some details of my life, all the things going on Good and bad.

I want a cookie...

I guess I'm kind of upset. There are a few things to be upset about. Honestly, i'm upset at how unfair the world is to so many people.

I guess there is a bike race going on out there. I'm in miserable shape. of course I told that to someone, they said "you are crazy... you are in great shape"

ugh.... well I tried to post. I guess we have seen these posts in the past.

3 options

I'm getting hate mail about my blog. This not being anonymous isn't much fun.

I wrote about three options.

These weren't woman, these were job's.

I should go into;

• psychology,
• Financial planning
• back into networking

I guess someone thought I was talking about woman.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

It was 15 years ago, I guess not too long I have been at this blog for almost 5 years. That year it was Rachel. We effectively broke it off in February, it was her birthday. It that relationship, I realized I couldn't trust what she said. She would say things to me, that were not reliable. She would act in ways that were inconsistent with what she said. This was the point at which I realized I had some emotional problems of my own. Most people would have just dismissed her, and would have said "something is wrong with her." and moved on. I didn't or couldn't do that. That relationship was on and off for half a year.

One of the things I learned was that what people say, and what they do are totally different things, and not just because they are liars. At one point I had no idea how she felt for me, I started asking her odd questions to see if I could get her to say she had some feelings for me.

I asked, "If I was shot and I showed up here, would you take care of me, nurse me back to health?".

She said, "I would treat you like any person, just like even any bum on the street. I would call an ambulance and send you on your way."

At that point, I realized she either didn't like me at all, or couldn't express it. Either way, I didn't want anything to do with her, or the relationship. It took me a year or two to realize it. Probably 3 to dislike her for dragging me through her psychological hell.

The point of all this is to explain how I feel about Julie. She doesn't read this, so it's not for her benefit. The thing is, there I was drunk and emotionally vulnerable on my birthday, and the "reality" of things are, that she was there for my birthday. To talk with and joke with, the whole bit. It meant everything to me.

And that is why I love Julie. I'm in Maxx mode today.... It's a thing, go with it.

4am...

ya... this is what I get for going to bed at 10 and then waking up at midnight.

Don't engage the crazy.... Ya... the story of my life.

the last two days on the bike, i've been very cold....

I quit on monday before I even got the cleats on.... "Fuck this.... it's God damn Cold!!!!"

Lowered my seat... which was impressive. I changed shoes last season, I think that is the difference. But what it has shown is that my Seat position was just a tad high.

But... I can usually stand sub 50 degree temperatures... but right now... I just can't stand it. maybe it was southern utah, maybe it is just that i'm ready for spring. No idea... but I just don't seem to want to be cold.

Embracing uncertainty.....

When last we checked in on our superhero.......

Where the hell was I.... Things were strange... things are still strange. I'm still contemplating my future. I need to do something with it. I have 3 options, some random dude I met said "Do all three".... ya, I think that gets dangerously close to indecision.

Speaking of indecision, I swore I was doing HOTN. Then since my lame Achilles problem and other odd things going on. Which included, one long stressful week at work. Training has sucked. I feel like I pushed it a little hard on my birthday and have paid for it. One would think I would be thrilled to get the extra hours, but my knob boss screwed me out of much of the benefit.

That conversation went like this.

"We want you to X"

"Ok, but that will require Y"

"Well, no we don't want to give you Y"

"Then I don't want to do X"

"We still want you to do X. We really appreciate you stepping up for the company."

"I'll do it, but don't bother asking again."

It's funny how i'm stepping up for the company, yet somehow they won't step up for me.

So.... Long week, long weekend.... After getting a little ride in yesterday, I said, "why the hell not ride HOTN". Who knows what the hell i'm doing with my training.... Who knows what the hell i'm doing with my life.

So.... Uncertainty... Seems like for the past few weeks, i've been digging the uncertainty. Ok, digging may be a strong word. How about.... embracing. It kind of feels like the first time you start swimming or riding a bike. There is something wrong with there not being something hard under your feet. It seems like I'm getting used to it.

If you ask some, the thing is we are all traveling in a cloud of uncertainty. It's only an illusion that of certainty.

but I certainly need to get some focus going. Get some direction.

I don't know... maybe that is the joy of the uncertainty.....

Mid-Day update

I had numerous strange dreams, last night. I think my mind is trying to sort everything out. I'm dying to know what it figures out. I just started riding again. physicaly, I feel like a lump of poo. I need to keep ice on my achillies and it is hard to fit that in.

I was also not working saturdays, for about 3 days, now I am again. I'm coping with work, by eating bad food and soda. I actually don't know why I hate it. Maybe I need to slow down and not worry about it so much.

Honestly, besides work I have no idea what i've been doing over the past few day. I've spent most the day with my head in my hands, sitting here at my desk.

Odd dream

I think, I finally caught up on my rest.

I was awoken by the strangest dream. I was in the hospital. I don't know if I had cancer, or if I was being tested. There was some vagueness as to why I was there, you know how dreams are.

I'm a huge fan of asking myself "What is the universe saying to me, where does it want me to be.". Seems like sometimes my dreams give me some idea of what where what and how things are bothering me. Well, this dream didn't. One of my "internet super friends" one I've never 'really' met, a male one was there, somehow. In the dream it seemed like such a good friendship. Somehow I think I could use more good friendships.

Here is the thing, for some reason right now, it seems like the universe is in flux. Somehow.... usually when I reach into the belly of the cosmic vibe.... Reach into the deep knot of the cosmic strings... Usually I can get a feel for where i'm supposed to be going, and what i'm supposed to do. I don't have that right now. I think I was talking to someone and I said, 'it's like i'm at a fork in the road. Many Forked road.' . It seems very strange. I don't know what the hell to do about it.

Somehow i'm a bit overwhelmed. My intent was to race HOTN. In the past 5 days, I've gone from a light work week, to a heavy one. I think that the boss, who is a knob, realized what good work I was doing. Suddenly I have a ton more hours. All of this interfering with my training and my life. I mentioned previously having a hard day. Many years ago I worked some 24 hour days. When you went home, it took 2 days to recover. I actually feel like I just woke up from my haze from a miserable shift. But that was just Monday... and here it is Wednesday. I sometimes wish I was one of those half assers who wander about clueless and able to just go home not realizing what a shit job I was doing.

I'm not sure reading Facebook late at night and dinking around .... Not sure that is it.

on Myth and meltdowns

.... Start in the middle, work my way out.

I had a tough day at work monday, it is still haunting me. I like to think i'm very good at what i'm doing. Of course self doubt kicks my ass from any real self confidence. Ugh....

Seems like spring has sprung... though my greenhouse doesn't show it. With it, brings melt down season. The usual pattern is that most of us go into a manic state through may. Then there is a bit of a large scale meltdown. Sort of a, "the crops have been planted, now it's time to fall down.".

But.... I've got a few of the mop friends who are having a bit thing, including me. Work was ugly yesterday, like I said it still haunts me. I'm getting tempted to become a financial advisor. It seems like a horrible idea. Yet I sort of love the idea. Point was, yesterday was ugly... and it sort of spiraled into a small scale melt down. BTW I think that makes 5 for the year. I must be pushing things much too hard.... Leaping into that uncertainty.... just a little more... unsteady than I'd like. Pushing things a little harder than ever.

I remember last year... Allonz-y. There was only a little bit of chaos. This year feels like things are much harder.

I think .... you know.... middle work my way out. I just, want to send everyone some good Mojo!! you are all very great, I've got your back..... Let me know what I can do. I of course may have to start taking appointments. I love you all.....

I have a friend who has sent me some of the lamest messages for the past month... This isn't the ex... but I just get some of the stupidest lamest e-mails from this person. Just stuff that is rude and nasty. Then I think this person doesn't realize how it keeps pushing me away. Some people run this odd reverse thinking, where somehow they think conflict is the way to grow together.

hmmm.... well this post may or may not be going anywhere.... but I guess it's finished.

Oh good... back to it

My sleep was ... well I managed to go to bed by 1am the whole time on vacation. Beer was required. I drank more in the past 3 days than I have in 2 years probably that would be the total sum beer in the past 2 years.

I'm actually not sure this is true, I'd just like to think it is. I'm not an alcoholic, I think it's just been a rough winter. My birthday was Sunday, it was as good a birthday as I've had. I remember a birthday that was very nice, 15 years ago. Then suddenly my Ex thought I had gone to the strip club the weekend before, because I made a joke about it. The result was 3 hours of fighting. P.S. My ex... and most of my GF's have always been more attractive than most Strippers i've ever seen.

Ok, when I sat down here my intent was to talk about my love of Julie Holmes. Many years ago, Julie and I were just sort of flirting, usual sort of stuff. I exchanged some e-mail with her. She then asked me later if I had told anyone some of the stuff that we had written in that e-mail. I told her no. Many of the secrets that people tell me.... and trust me, I have a few. I think it's the blog, and its so raw and honest, people have a tendency to want to reciprocate, it's natural. Also something maybe about me, somehow they open up to me. I've never ever wanted anyone who told me something honest or in confidence to feel like that would ever be violated. So... I would never tell a person, anything that anyone has shared.

I find out that one of her "Stalkers" and julie has a few. She tends to have them moving in and out like a revolving door, around her. Well, she told me about it. you know, I have a super hero esque persona... I call myself an Anti-super hero, which is a super hero who is forced into his roll by circumstance. There is a movie called "Hero" with Dustin Hoffman. He is a classic anti-hero. Julie tells me something, which throws a Huge Red Flag at me about what is happening. Up to this point I had never called any one of the readers of this blog. Well I hopped right on the phone and called her.

she said, "Why?"

I told her "Julie, this is a safety issue. The blog is stupid. You need to be safe. You haven't told anyone about this, and I need to make sure you are safe."

using my mop powers, and ... well, shit like this doesn't live in the light of day. Once I told the person that I knew. They backed off. Crazy doesn't like to have people know that they are crazy.

But.... so began Julie and my Love affair. Everybody likes a good rescue...... Except for me.... Ever since... it's been a quarterly phone call, just to catch up on each others dysfunctional relationships, each of us hoping that the other will find real love. She has asked me a few times, Why don't we date? I just reply.... You scare the shit out of me... or some such nonsense. But... on my birthday, When the day before she gave me a solid HTFU, or Nut Up! I needed that solid swift kick in the ass. I then told her how great she was.... she then yelled at me... said "Why don't you fucking call me" Sure enough, there was julie on the phone on my birthday. The two of us gabbing like a couple of girls. Neither of us able to get a word in.

Her saying stuff like "you know you dork... Your posts are getting darker and darker... you know that!" I said, "Ya, that is because this thing has finally become nasty. The current Ex finally has made me dislike her. Which i'm sure is what her defenses were trying to make happen. Trying to make me into the bad guy."

on that side note.... ya.... she wins.... Now get out of my life... She wins a ticket home. I hope that is what she wanted?

Well, I always talk about "the mop's super friends"... and how they come up for me "large"... Super man has the kryptonite around his neck... and they show up and pull off said kryptonite.... to let me fight on another day. It's just one of those times where .... I just have to say that I love Julie Holmes. and some of my other superfriends who stepped and have stepped up for me "Large"

P.S. I still don't think we are going to date.

If asked why... I'd just reply... "I just don't get the feeling it is what the universe wants us to do"

Of course... I could be the George Costanza of dating....

Close to the bone

Playing it very close to the bone yesterday. I fell asleep then woke up a few hours late for some reason. Can't sleep now so..... here I am.

I told myself that on this trip I was going to ask myself a ton of questions. I think I was sure I couldn't avoid it.

In the words of T.C. McQueen:

"Ask, and answer; who am I? and what is the point?"

As I was finishing my ride. The squirrels that talk to me, and run around in my head. Well... dehydrated and warn out.... it said "you may just have to face the fact you are unlovable".

easy....

Out of this, I realized that through this "Relationship" Suddenly.... Through this horror show i've been a part of for the past Year now. Well, suddenly here I am..... Feeling worthless. I let her ... have me feel worthless, and unloved And that is over....

I'm not in a relationship to feel bad... One would hope that they build you up. There is a whole world of people out there, ready to make you feel bad.

I think... and I could be completely out of left field, I suspect the thing is to have people close to you make you feel good. Some call me crazy..... all this obvious stuff like wanting people around me who make me feel good, and realizing that people who want to be around you actually like you.

Time to face the fact that she is a hurtful person... and it is time to cut her loose.

I'm a little surprised this is what the universe at this point decided to point out to my stupid ass.

I also may be back in that thing where I won't date or meet any new people who know about the blog.... I don't know... More thoughts.

It's honestly too much for one weekend.....

Ok....

This is the Lizard fingers pizza kitchen or some such horseshit... stone fired pizza or some god awful thing. Be warned, I was not in a good mood when I got there.

First I asked, Of all the pizza's on the menu... which is the best...

he replied, "they are all good" *strike one* this translated is... Just buy one asshole, stop asking questions.

Second try, "which would you order?"

he said, "well I like the pepperoni with sausage"

me, "But that isn't on the menue... why am I making my own pizza? I can do that at home"

him, "the special thing is the crust."

me, "ok..... I get it"*this is me giving up* I should have walked out.
It was ok, even good. but I felt like they were going for "fudruckers" or maybe it was "pizza factory"

Off to drink a few more beers before I think abut my birthday any more.

Woman...

Lots of woman trouble in my life.... I guess it's a good thing. I'm not sure if she still reads. One woman, said "how can you let go so easily. You can just up and move on"...

A friend of mine was sort of jerked around by this woman, a few months ago. She did something Indirect... something passively cruel... something inappropriate.... I said to him, "sure you thought she was nice, but now she showed you her true colors. You don't like to be treated like that. You also don't treat people like that. You don't want anyone who treats you or even other people like that. She made her choice. Now make her live with it. "

I'm sure over time i'll come up with some stupid idiom that will cover this. The jist of it is... if you want me around.... I'd suggest you treat me like you want me around.

There was a moment, in the past few days, where as part of the conflict between me and the ex. She suggested that I was mean when I got upset when she wouldn't show up. I told her... when you didn't show up..... I tended to think that you didn't want to be with me.

Showing up = wanting to be with someone. If "no show up" = Not wanting to be with someone. This isn't rocket science..... we make time for the things that are important to us.... why? because they are important.....

anything else is convoluted mental horseshit... as far as i'm concerned... play those games in your own head. I have a life to lead.

This was my first climb

This goes out of LaVerkin and goes to the freeway. It's probably no more than a thousand feet. Back when I started biking, I rode a mountain bike for a while, and did 60 miles on it in one day coming to the end of the season. I decided it was time for a road bike. I pulled off 30-40 miles on the road bike. Once I adjusted to the new physical aspects for a few weeks. I signed up for a century. I went to school down here in the 90's, Foolishly I said to myself "St. George is flat, it will be fine" Well.... St. George is Rollers.... I blew up by mile 10... I had a nice time with the "spin class woman" at the back of the century... which honestly is the best place to be in a century.

This climb, which I suffered on that year... and I remember bonking and just being blown the whole ride up... it felt like it went on forever. BTW I did it in my 39 this time. I remember breaking a sweat. Strange though, i'm maybe 15 lbs lighter... but much fitter.

after you hit the freeway you go to a reservoir.

I don't even but barely remember the reservoir... I remember it being there... but... I must have been blind with pain. At this point on my ride it was 30 miles... 2 water bottles... that was it. I had a scone and a triple latte for breakfast. I managed some refill on my bottles.... I remember that century, I remember hording water like ... well like I wouldn't ever find anymore... and showing up to refill at the stations and having near full bottles. Drinking one before refilling it. At the end there was another climb.



At one point today, I saw some triathletes.. I'm telling you....Why do I find them Creepy? Above is my roadrunner anti theft protection.... I needed a huge feed. Somehow I had to get back up to zion... it was not going to be easy.....

Tired....

Seriously, it was one of those days on the bike when .... seriously.... that dark fatigued side of me said... "Just give it up.... You can't be loved".... "stop waisting your time"

ya... really tired.....

Maybe I'll blog more later...

Classic insomnia

This is the classic version. Lights and noise bothering me. A friend was talking about their trouble sleeping. Jesus ... these chairs inside the room are like chairs you find in Vegas. only less comfortable.... i'm not sure that is possible... But rustic here in the Pioneer lodge in springdale. Somebody is going to get the feeling I don't like it here. Ok... classic insomnia... I figure if I blog it will go away... or it gives me something to do. At home I can watch a movie or something. But there is no joy here.
hmmmm... WTF did I want to write. Honestly I haven't managed a consistent 8 hours since the age of 12. There are times when I can get 8-9 hours every night... but it requires active riding.

oh.... the plants need dusting...

On the Road Again.

Last verse same as the first.


I like to think That I'm making some progress in my life. I was joking today about my life as Jack Kerouac... which may be closer to the truth than I'm comfortable with. I haven't packed for a trip in quite some time, i'm out of practice. On the road, i'm a huge fan of drafting. With gas prices where they are, seems like getting there the cheapest is where it's at. I went to Dixie for a quarter, and did this drive a few times in a VW bug. speed limits may have been as low as 55 back then. I managed one ticket for 75... in someone elses car... see the bug only did 70 when drafting. and struggled with 60.... That car caught on fire one day, but that is a different story.

It was a funny story of driving... the psychology of driving people trying to go slow enough to not get a ticket... but fast enough to get to their destination. Some people leading at some cautious speed. 10 or 15 mph over the limit. I saw over 10 police cars... years ago, i'd probably only see two or three. The guy below did 85 the whole time. he freaked out a few times when quite the little pack decided to follow him. Just some old guy with a couple crusers. I'm sure riding snow canyon or something in St George. I like to guess the destinations of cyclists as I drive... Imagine where and how they ride.

You know us bike nerds.... not only is there a shit load of clothing, but a shitload of bike clothing... and layers and contingencies.... I suspect I need a larger second bag. I'm only here for 3 days, but i'm packed for a week, it seems.

There is a john gierach novel... probably trout bum, he has a mantra; rod reel boots wader flies camera. It's all you need. ok, i'll face it it's like that only has a better ring to it. This went through my head as I packed. 4 types of skin lotion, Power aid, protein powder, half a gallon of apple juice,toothbrush, toothpaist, hair conditioner, hair jell, hair spray, bike... 5 boxes of bike kit, bike stand. 5 jersies 3 short sleeve 2 long sleeve, 3 heavy jerseys, 2 bike jackets... I packed them hoping that if I packed them, I wouldn't need them. Then let us talk about 5 pair pants 3 t-shirts 3 nice shirts... 5 heavy shirts... oh... and then the electronics 2 cameras 1 mp3... mp3 Radio converter. extra sets of batteries... and cables for all. I'm exhausted just thinking about it again.

None of this would even rate as far as a fear and loathing trip.... HST would be ashamed.... With the exception of the insanity of it all. (3 references to authors this blog post)

Well this is in the virgin river valley.

Very exciting this trip.... I'm staying at a new place. Springdale off season is October-November Till March-April. depending on who you ask. I've been here and November and February are Fucking dead. The first time I went to southern Utah I did a century... my first. I stayed in St George. But the ride went near zion, and I drove up into springdale. Decided This was where I wanted to stay, if I had a choice. The next time I came here, I stayed in hurricain, $40 bucks a night travel-lodge, maybe $37. On that trip I scouted springdale out, fairly heavily. Took notes on the hotels... checked on pricing. Many of them are not listed with the discount travel sites. Expedia... etc. The next time I stayed at the best western... BTW.. the best place i've stayed. I think it was $46 off season. I stayed over presidents day, and did another century. Then I started staying at the BumbleBerry... I think it was $50, but the best western was hit or miss on "Off season" I never found a fair price after that one trip. For the most part hotels will hit you for $100 or try to. Most the hotels are not up to that kind of quality. it's mostly about convenience. Cept ... if I was a family, i'd just stay in st George and drive... I stay here because it's right on a great bike path.. the virgin river valley. There are still a few hotels I want to try... but they are kind of spendy... I think if I stay at them... I'm hoping I'm getting some regular sex as well. I'm just saying, spending $100+ I think some "intimacy" is in order... and i'm a fan of "self love"... but.... You know... my bed at home is kind of nice, for that kind of stuff. Oh... so... I did priceline... I said WTF.. I know the going rate. $65 was what I bid... I'd rather pay $60.

Many years ago... I think it was on my 30'th birthday. A friend of mine said "if it is your birthday, you need to make it special. Don't wait for anyone else to do it for you". This was a very smart woman. This life lesson still pays off. If you want things to be good, or nice.... You are just going to have to make sure you do it for yourself. Well... FYI... My birthday is the 13th. I'm saying it ahead of time. But... Sure... Here I am... Alone... Chances of Getting laid are next to nothing (I probably could have pulled that off in salt lake, if I had so chosen)... But i'm where I want to be... and I want to really kick my own ass for a few days. Big ride tomorrow... see If I can pull nearly a century. Then work in some climbing on sunday. Kick my ass hard... I probably deserve it..... I'll cry.... I'll weep.... I'll Eat.

But this is what I can offer myself.... It's all I can do... But to be honest... it's pretty damn good. It would only be better with company... but if you can't stand your own company... how can you expect anyone else to. I know I didn't give any notice... but y'all are invited.... LOL.

Back to the start of this missive... of course the fact that this blog started with me alone in southern Utah... and that here I am again..... Alone in southern utah... Well... that reality is not lost on me. I may have made some progress... and even some progress getting to know some of my readers.... But that after 4 or 5 years of the blog... that all and all... things are kind of the same... with some upgrades. I think that first southern utah blog post was made from the Travel lodge in Hurricain.(however the fuck you spell that crazy Utah town)...

Last verse, same as the first.

P.S.

I'd expect some more blogging...... throughout the weekend... The bit and spur has a cream brule and some kind of tart and some kind of apple pie... that could be my birthday... I may have all three...

Slaves to Nature

I'm trying not to name names. Friend one said that everyone is interested in Mating right now. This after my comment that two other 'friends' were seemed like they were getting back together. (friends in quotation marks denotes facebook friends.... hypothetical friends.). These are the days of our lives.

I was looking outside, seeing all the new snow. I also looked outside this morning when it was wet, I was glad that I had made my 3 rows of peas, and assorted greens. Smug in my constant reminders to everyone that they needed to get on top of the garden in the past few weeks because there is usually only that window then we suffer another month of snow and rain. I was reminded of a point last year when I needed to do some canning and was told that it didn't fit into someone else's schedule. I reminded them that we are slaves to nature, that the garden dictates what we do. We do not dictate to the garden, our will.

There is obviously a foolish contingent of people who seem to think we can bend nature and subdue it with our will. Not to sound like a Hobbit, or a hippy, but it is best to work with nature in a Tao like bending of the willow against the wind.

As our hormones and our gardens show us in vivid detail, we are all slaves to nature.

The Wheel!!!!

Many years ago I talked about an episode of farscape:

John Crichton: My grandmother used to say that life is a great wheel. Sometimes it grinds you down to the mud, and other times it lifts you up into the light.

Ka D'Argo: Are we strapped to this wheel?

John Crichton: That's a given. The point is, is that most times you get a second chance. You just gotta wait for the wheel.

It's at 50 seconds into this video.

This has been my theme for the past few days/Month. My Yogi Cousin showed me a picture of Samsara. "Continuous flow", the Wheel. The cycle of life. It reminded me.... then the quote was stuck in my head.

There was a time where I thought it was almost a parable for being Bi-polar, Or for the emotional cycles we suffer or Indulge ourselves in with our training blocks, maybe natural bio-rhythms..... and maybe it kind of is.

I have been watching some "Deadwood" there was a quote. "Change calls the tune we all dance to".

For the past few days, my email has been filled with the usual breakup bile. Please don't feel bad for me. I could block her. I could do many things. I just.... it didn't feel right. I know how this works.

Also... for all .... intents and purposes I asked for it. I told her to send me her hate mail. I knew it was coming. I poked at it, like a tiger in a cage with a stick. I also knew she didn't have anyone to talk to about it. Now it has been a few days of messages. I of course am not engaging, I'm just taking it.

It has been days of what an asshole I am. I of course don't understand, if i'm an asshole... why I'm getting e-mail from her. I mean, what is there to gain. I guess some things are not for me to understand.

As an Aside, I did want to mention how great all "The Mop"s super friends have been. One of those times, on almost all fronts that many of you have kept me centered. I've been very thankful and Happy about all of you. It's a far cry from how isolated and withdrawn I was a year ago, when I decided to start "Asking for help" and reaching out to other people besides my usual friends. I've also done a great job of being vulnerable to some of you, and you have responded in kind. I just appreciate my "SuperFriends" One and all. Even those that didn't know and still don't know what they have meant to me over the past few days. Including: "Not my Coach", "not my Tactile Girlfriend", "Cracked Pelvis/Elvis", "J-Radness", "The Jackass who made fun of my Triple", "Woman who Threatened me, if I break someone's heart", "Dupree D.B.A. Medical Woman"... and a long list of troublemakers, Heartbreakers, and long gone Hard-chargers. I'm honored to have you all as my friends, and it's been a long time since I've said thank you to you all.

To get back to my point, Finally tonight "She" started to mello out... Finally got much of it out of her system. Like I've said before, "The process of self help, is within us all" We just have to stop repressing things. Just have to start being vulnerable to the right people. Expressing our pain, instead of feeling like we are Whining or a Cry-baby. To be honest, those are the terms the "Other People" the abusive people use in our lives to, force us to live horribly with the pain that they have their entire lives. Misery loves company. Those miserable Fuckheads.... what you to suffer too.... When honestly "the process of self help is within us all". And "she" feels better. I think I feel better.

And the Wheel has Turned.......... Like John says "Wait for the Wheel". Many of us Fear change, I think that is a mistake, we should fear being mired down in the same Muck and Grime. We should fear stagnation. We should enjoy the change. Take pleasure in the change, pleasure in the wheel.

Wait for the wheel...... Change is the music we all dance to.

Calling all cars....

I kept saying that this is the time most of us hit rock bottom. Most of us hit that point where we finally start turning things around seasonally. I mentioned it a few weeks ago... "Rock bottom" where the Alcoholic finally realizes he has a problem.

Greg hit it... I hit it... Turbo hit it... some other people are close....

but it is time for the worm to turn. Let some of us start letting things turn toward the upside.... Start getting those projects cranked out... get on top of this weeks/year/month 's planning. Start cranking it all out.

and.... Ok, things have been so upside down for the past few weeks.... I shit you not... email me... Message me... tell me what an asshole I am... how horrible I am to you... the whole bit. Seems like you may have to stand in line.... But ...

.... Bring it...

.....Haunted

I was very clear when I started this blog post, what I was going to name it. I pulled out the schedule today... got a solid to do list done. Nice long bike ride. But here I am, haunted. Starting to ask some questions about who what and where I'm going. I have been trying to do my best to follow my instincts. I was hung over this morning, and I still have Wing sauce oozing out of my pores. I can almost taste it.

I was reading something today about someone who felt they had lost their voice. I thought, dang.... that is how i feel with the blog sometimes. These days I can't dig deep and share my innermost true feelings. Mostly because, if I do I start getting phone calls. Which is nice... but I'm more psyched about this blog as a way for me to journal or share, and not as a Plea for help.

After beer and wings yesterday. There is a girl at wings 25 and somehow last time i had wings I went to breakfast the next day. Sure enough she worked at the restaurant where I had breakfast too. Instead of thinking of it as a coincidence, and I didn't recognize her, she thought she had told me about it. Then she was flirting with me, and I just.... You know she is just doing it to get a tip. I was later reminded of all the foolish old men who firt with 25 year olds and the 25 year olds take them for a "Ride" effectively trying to get them to buy them stuff. When I was at the bar this 45 year old guy was caught up in this. My response was, why would someone do this. Who would want a woman like that. Why is that what ... relationships are about... or at least to some.. It's tremendously fucked up.

This is probably the most fucked up idea I've ever had, but I just have this unrealistic vision of a relationship where ... we are both happy functional and productive. Where we love each other and move through the trials and tribulations in life. And how boring... Ya... let us have the drama outside the relationship.

Last year when I started saying "Leap into uncertainty" ... As I was typing this I got a crazy email, it was from one of my bosses. Somebody said, "Mop, you just engage crazy" of course the thing is I now know how to deal with it. I was working with this guy last week, his wife had a terminal illness. Somehow her morphine was cut off and she died of withdrawal. He was very messed up. I imagined that he may have had to make the choice to "Help her along" and that was what had finally driven him nuts. Somehow it is left up to me to deal with the difficult clients. But at this moment "Leap into uncertainty" seems to mean that there is randomness at ever turn, and a constant drag of some crazy bullshit, and I'm on a constant quest to reduce it, get closer to that which is not ... unstable. Also to do my best to not be creating instability.

well....

Ask and answer; "who am I? and what is the point"

Don't much feel like I'm making sense, for some reason. I also refuse to go back and re-read.

A life in disorder....

Here I sit.... It feels like we are all in that period of time where we hit a seasonal rock bottom. Suddenly we have to realize that it's time to start the Magic. Time to get on top of everything we need to do for the new year.

I was hung-over this morning, in all kinds of emotional distress. Mostly streaming from having some crazy drunk chick mouthing off to me. When you realize that it's just her emotional dysfunction testing me for potential Mating. Seeing if I was a willing Missing piece to her ... Whatever. BTW FYI... she is going to stop smoking Weed Tomorrow. She has to for her Job....

Not to say I'm pro or Anti Weed smoking, but I am ... sort of over that period of my life, it ended over a decade ago.

I also just did some pictures of myself.... and I felt humiliated.... Jesus... is this what I've become... Time to take my life in my hands I guess....

A life in disorder....

Somebody has me convinced into doing HOTN this year. Ok... maybe I'm convinced myself... Better update that license....

I type all of this, as I get the laundry piled..... and am going through my office looking for garbage....

Something....

I guess it will be off to the store to get some Veggies and other stuffola...

Then there will be some planning for .... I mean shit If I'm going to race... I guess I better get a training plan together.....

drunkfu blogging

Trying to remember what i wanted to blog....

I had some ideas....

had to do with unrembursed employee expenses....

Maybe it has to do with how badly I feel about how things train wrecked with the Ex.....

could have been something to do with how the universe rotates... and it's many cogs and wheels....

Maybe it had to do with me calling out god....... I was contemplating how as far as "God" was concerned,I had rolled snake eyes... it's one of those chicken and egg things... is it that I rolled snake eyes, that I don't believe... or is it that I don't believe, that I rolled snake eyes....

well, I'm ready to roll the dice, we will see what happens at the pearly gates with saint peter.(Of course, this isn't to say I'm ready to find out)

.... There were some thoughts.... but I'm over it right now....

I swear there were better thoughts about .....

but ...

Honestly...

what I could use is a great bike ride tomorrow.

Adventure

Still awake.

I found the quote I was talking about last blog post. The one that started with "Nothing now, But everything later"... of course this sounds like procrastination. My intent was to say that I would rest now, and start cranking on projects later.

I then remembered that quote from Doctor Who.....

Ok... I was watching this episode and remembered it. "The Doctor and his Tardis, next stop Everywhere."

That is all......

2.0... Nothing now.... Everything later

I fell asleep.... even in my dreams i'm trying to do everything.

You know how there is that phrase "Even the Devil gets his Due".... Well in my dream, ok... it was a nightmare... or enough of one to wake me up. Well, I was the guy who was brought in to bring the devil his due.

Well, back to sleep.

First...Then.....

I had the day off, today. Like all days off my intent was to do a bunch of things. You know, all those things I'm too busy to do during the week. Well, I started by sleeping in. Then managed to while away the rest of the morning.

You know... sometimes I'm sitting here trying to remember what I was going to write. Being the fool that I am, I just keep going.

It feels like that time of year, feels like it's time for Dr Who.... I was reminded of a quote. Which I can't remember right now LOL...

A friend of mine... My cleaning Mentor said to me as I commented on how things in my office were messy... and I was doing a bad job of getting them sorted out. They said to me," Eh.... you have had a huge year, you are thrown a little sideways, it's ok don't sweat it." Which coming from that Type A personality... Well.. It was Fucking crazy...

I feel like this was the time last year where I started telling myself to "Leap into uncertainty"... I feel that same sort of manic right now. Of course I remember some horror show going on with another woman, at this time...

As I laid in bed... Contemplating the universe. I said, "I feel very rested right now, I want to do nothing and everything." This seemed like a bit of a problem... I resolved it by saying, "I'm going to lay here and enjoy doing nothing, and then do Everything, but later." I thought it sounded like and excellent plan.

For some reason, I feel like doing everything.

I hope it goes well....

ya ya ya.... this post sucked.....

I did get my second row of peas in...

Also... after lackluster winter training.... I'm hoping I can get some kind of program going. I pulled 4 days in a row last week, and I'm at 1 for this week....

Lost...

When last we checked in on our superhero... he was Perplexed.... by something nebulous... of course... why be perplexed by something familiar that we have seen and know very well.

Found myself sitting at the bar... as one who is lost and searching for something, usually finds himself.... or not so much finds, but this is the place where the lost tend to end up.

"Buy me a drink Sailor?"

"Well I don't know, do you want the 1940's or the 1960's Vietnam going off to war fantasy?"

"I don't know, You pick."

"Well I always had a bit of a thing for that show China Beach. How if you pretend you are a nurse and I'll start talking about how I'm just in from the jungle."

"Ok, but i'm not a redhead!"

If only the conversations at the bar were this interesting. Usually it just involves some barfly talking about how they have to talk truth to power.... AKA telling their Girlfriend that she is being a Whore.

Well there I found myself(or there I ended up), on a friday night... trying to decompress. Trying to sort out what ever it is that has me... Well something has me on the.... "On the dangle". I'm still trying to sort it out, but I think I remember this from before... the answers are not at the bottom of a bottle of beer. Yes one or 2 is nice, helps decompress... but beyond that....

I think you just end up talking to your friends and calling them a Whore. And for the most part... it's all just wishful thinking that something good will become of "Being at the bar", if not wishful thinking it's probably just brainwashing by the Beer and liqueur companies.

This "Bar" dog... doesn't hunt. Most of us find ourselves at one point our another, lost at the bar. Seduced by the thought that what ever it is we are looking for or trying to figure out, may be there. The Empty Promise of the bar.

Hitch your wagon to a star

I was somehow reflecting on this phrase.

I was laying in bed thinking about how ... My life is still.

I loaded up the wagon, did my best to rig it up to the greatest star. Only it went no where... somehow.. the wheels were wrong... the color was not right... the harness was not soft enough... The star I picked... well it wasn't the right one... I needed the one to the left 4 inches... nope.. to the right 5 inches..

Ok... that was the right one.. but still The right clothing had to be packed... the blue pants.. not the red... Wait... now we need the other underware...

I kept saying... if we just start going, we will work the rest out.... Things can be delt with... if we just start moving....

nope.... can't leave yet....

at one point it all just gets annoying, and it's time to move on... time to ... just accept what you have in the wagon is good enough... and you have to leave...

The train is leaving the station.... either you are going to be on it ... or not....

so... some of my thoughts on where the universe is taking me... well... it just seems like, I'm not sure anymore... but I guess I'm moving forward... and there was going to be no more waiting... even if I had to move forward alone....

sure that means the destination is different... or that there are some other paths..... But at least the Wagon is moving ....

That is something..

The universe

I finally had some time for myself today... stocked up on winter foods... Yogurt... soup... rice cakes. Needed some toiletries ...FYI...

Its always interesting what cycles through my brain when I get some time.... I was hoping for some zen time....

The wind prevented a long bike ride, and i didn't make all my errands...

I found myself haunted... still find myself haunted... Thoughts of the ex... thoughts of where my life is headed....

Contemplating where the universe has me headed... I'm usually very good about not thinking about, or stressed about where I'm going... Usually I just know it is forward. The job I'm working is even more a disaster than I expected. Impressive the layers of stupidity... and silly-ness.

I still think this is the wind that starts driving people mad.... a wind that drives a dagger into our foreheads Till we can't think...

I don't know.... I digress

I don't mean to spit in the face of the universe right now.... It just has me off center. I think, never in my life have things been so unclear as to the potential of my future. There are also some amazing things developing... Almost unsettling how Amazing....

Months ago.. I thought I should go back to school and study psychology... weeks ago... I was wondering if I should become a financial planner...

Honestly...as always... I just want to be in love...

either that or I just need/want a good nights sleep...

Uncertainty abounds...

A life unfinished...

(edited 10:15am wed)

I swore I wasn't going to ... do the insomnia thing... somehow the train ran off the tracks... going strait to bed after work, only sort of worked.

I read Greg Steel's post ... both the previous and most recent, him not realizing he had been in a funk... or had hit rock bottom. There is that point where you feel bad.... that point beyond depression, where you finally admit it.... you say "I FEEL BAD!". Fortunately that is the point where the worm turns. Because, at that point you realize there is a problem, and start doing something about it.

The other side of that coin... Well I was supposed to have a date, a date with my Ex...Tickets purchased 2 months Prior, for a woman who I couldn't stay in an ongoing relationship for longer than a week and a half. 4 breakups after buying the tickets... well finally one of the breakups stuck... I guess it was that one that left me alone on christmas. Well, she got even with me....

I realized though... I have started doing things to accommodate another person in my life, things that are needed when someone else is here. Of course I made them for the ex... now it is a little depressing to see them. Instead of thinking they were for her, I just need to remember they are for me, for me to move into the new chapter in my life.

I remarked to yet another friend that "the date", that event which she wasn't there for felt like the end of that chapter. My happy chapter that started last year with "Leap into Uncertainty"... and certainly got "UN"... if you get what I mean.

To be honest, I'm quite "plussed". I have some very nice friendships going.... and Brewing. I'd mention my valentine ... but it's... well I just mentioned it. Things are crazy... and things are good...

Ahhh... A life unfinished, it's interesting how many of us are somehow in some stage or process of finishing one life, or trying to start a new one... or just getting new things going. Like new generations of new experiences. Seems like last spring I was ready to "Start some kind of life" and share my life... I worked on it... and Seems like it was a false start... but... Onward... and maybe some of the new ... who knows what will blossom within my life and maybe it is all a start of My real life... My... Life like other people have, to find that thing that..... keeps me out of bed... Keeps me from shaking my fist at the cars as they drive past...

Here is to the strangeness of it all... the Uncertainty... who knows what will happen in the next year... who knows who will be falling apart... or building things back up... who will be struck by some kind of cosmic lightning..... But I guess that is the deal... It's the uncertainty... and we can be sure that we can be certain... that in the next year... it will be Uncertain....

No Pictures...

Inner Truth

... I have been very emotionally drained, it takes hours to decompress and the horrors going on in my head are impressive. I spent hours today... calming a few people down... Why is that my job?

Today one of the people in complete melt down, after I got them calmed down. I was talking about something... Looked them deep into the eyes...

Somehow they just melted... started to break down and cry...

I was like... Damn!!! I don't have time for this.... I kicked into some denial. Pretended it didn't happen. Ya.... sorry honey, I'm not sure I have time for whatever Inner truth you have locked inside to start oozing out of your head..... Sorry....

What the hell goes down with some people..... that somehow just looking you deep in they eyes... turns into a complete melt down...

I mean... sure I have time for it.... if you are a friend... but I just can't have complete strangers melting into a puddle of tears....

Thoughts on Uncertainty....

... I'm a very lucky guy tonight... No, I didn't get lucky. I was fortunate enough to see Wynton marsallis at Kingsbury Hall. It's not only fortunate that I could see some amazing music. I was also lucky enough to get to see the sound check. Please, Allow me to digress for a bit.

When I was going to school.... I was a little frustrated by my program. I mentioned to one of my professors, one who was more worldly than many of them. One who had been outside the 4 semi-square walls of Utah. I asked.... "Is there somewhere that does this better.". I had realized that my professors for the most part were jokes. Few of them took their courses seriously, and what classes I had... through my own course of self education, and effectively Aced before I even stepped foot in the classroom. I was looking for some kind of mentor... some kind of Indicator that "There was more out in the world than what I had seen.

The response I received was one of "Does what better?"

I said... "our program... this is silly what we do. It's like a kids game... Where does the real work get done?"

The only answer I ever received was... "I just don't understand, what you are asking.". I was someone challenged by the Low bar set by most of the people around me... always looking for some higher understanding.... Some kind of larger truth... There was something out there, something beyond Proper Nouns, that people were talking about... but nobody quite understood.

Tonight I heard Wynton say some things to the musicians, the learning musicians. "Love what you do, and work your ass off." Also that he is, and the musicians are the luckiest people in the world. My cousin... is in the band. His mother and my mother are very close. His mother came up from where she lives to hear her son play. My mother sort of turned it all into a big deal. Figured out how to escalate it all into a frenzie. Someone mentioned to me the idea that my mother would then use it to gain a little victim status. I suggested it was something else.

After the first set, Wynton recognized my cousin.... and then started talking about my aunt. A few weeks ago, there was a story in the New York times about the Chinese "Tiger mother", about the mother who beat their kids into submission... beat them with a ruler till they were perfect on the violin. My Aunt mentioned the opposite. She said "you have to do it because you love it... I can't do that for him". There he is blowing horn for probably the best touring Jazz band in the country. he is the Cream.... and "tiger mother" didn't get him there. As a first grade teacher, she knew better. He would follow his dream, where ever it took him.

This was where "Someone Did it better" where Wynton and his band knew what life was, Knew what Living art was, Knew some inner truths that most people don't. Knows what it takes to go night after night, keep it fresh. 15 some odd musicians having the time of their lives.... Keeping it very real. In love with music. Taking a few thousand audience members with them. Everyone sharing a love of art and music. An amazing and beautiful thing. This was "doing it all better". Not going through the motions, not just cashing a paycheck, not just trying to keep the juggling balls in the air until someone realizes you are full of crap.

As I sat there and listened to 15 or so musicians at the top of their game, Realizing that after years of my aunt helping her kids, and not only her kids but her grandkids. Being Teacher to all of them... There was my Aunt, Wynton Marselles talking about what an amazing mother she was. Abusive probable bi-polar Husband, raising One of the top musicians in the country. In her late 70's sitting in Kingsbury hall, getting her 15 minutes. Having one of those moments, that you hopefully remember you were there for.... Moments of a lifetime.... Of course, kind of instigated by my mother.

Me realizing, that in the not too distant future... she will be gone... my mother will be gone. I will tell stories about this.... I am telling a story about this already.

This was one of those amazing moments in someone's life.... and I was there to share it.... I lived it with them....

I could reflect on how; I didn't have a proper date, How nobody loves me, How I may never have kids of my own, My own failures as a son....

But honestly I'm a lucky man. I was fortunate to be in that moment, and to be with everyone when it happened.

Maybe tomorrow there will be more great moments, I'll be there for those....

.... I'm a lucky man.

Exhausted

Fairly fitful night.... here I am, not writing anything interesting. I just woke up dehydrated and fatigued... Numerous things are wrong with how I feel right now. Maybe I'm sick... maybe I'm just worried.

Not enough time right now to keep my "Toothpaste in the tube " so to speak.

hmmm Well, I'm just beat.

Furrowed brow

hmmm just a little worried tonight. I came home and fell asleep... didn't have good dreams... or didn't feel good....

stayed up for a bit tonight... trying to decompress...

hmmmm not sure there is anything to do.

Another day.

... The mop has a new friend. Just like all of you, she probably doesn't know what to think about me... or about this blog.

Hell I Don't know what to think about the blog or me these days. I was actually reflecting on that the other night. I was wondering if "The mop" is an Alter Ego.... Sorry, I just had to look up "Alter Ego":

An alter-ego (Latin, "the other I") is a second self, a second personality or persona within a person, who is often oblivious to the persona's actions. It was coined in the early nineteenth century when dissociative identity disorder was first described by psychologists.[1] A person with an alter-ego is said to lead a double life.

So, what I recollect was more that this tends to be a more honest self than I show the general public. My Inner self.... as opposed to anything else. It's not like I'm out Saving babies from kidnappers or something, or pretending to.

I like to see this blog like some of the infamous Groucho Marks Asides:

it starts at 2:30

so....

I've been working my ass off. This morning was one of those days where I had time off, I realized that I didn't know which way was up.... or which way I was going. I watched the Australian open Final. Then went back to sleep. I think I had about 5 nightmares. I felt like I was puking up 2 weeks of bad dreams. Or horrific interactions with people.

It's funny how people react to the same situation. To realize how .... Some people are so messed up they can't even answer simple questions. "how did you get here today?"...

then they start rambling.... "Well it all started with a shower... then I put on some clothing... I wore the blue shirt, because it is a tuesday... I love blue on a tuesday."

Then you say, "No... Did you drive or walk?"

they say.... "I had a blue shirt on... I never drive in blue!!!"

Me, "so did you walk?"

them "No... my shoes are too nice to walk in... it would hurt my feet"

me, "so how did you get here today? what kind of mode of transportation did you take."

and you just don't get it...

So, today was a chance to try and get things back together, in my head. After tennis I was hoping for some bike riding and then a nice afternoon nap.... Well, the nap won and the rollers lost. I managed to get to get a little ride later in the afternoon. I honestly wanted to just lay in the dark....

Work is something.... I continue to see tons of work... that isn't going anywhere. After 2 weeks of it, and doing a tally today. After getting a chance to breath, I realized how it's just not ... This work is just direction-less. A means to an end... some money.... but it's still nowhere....

J-Rad reminded of my existential tenancies today, of course was I being existential which caused it... or did he remind me, which threw me into a day of introspection.....

Well... I kind of feel like crap today..... I should have ridden the bike more.....

Crap. Spinning my Wheels Chapter 42

and ... this blog is becoming just a ramble.... but it's my ramble... what are you going to do about it.

Oh ... Yes

This is the reason I stopped drinking heavily....

waking up 2 hours later in a sweat. Then thinking about all the things I wanted to do on sunday. How what I really want to do is sleep in.

quick note

I had to work for 3 hours today... which was the center of my whole universe till 6.

I just want to write something....

Then I went out like old times.... Good stuff, not enough ... good times.

You know it's that point where you are trying to move on... see what is out there... and you check out the bar. Which is awful ..

but you see some people, talk to some people... and it's the stuff.....

you sort of realize you are looking for a special someone...... you always want them to be very special.... extraordinary... not just aesthetically but ...

what is also funny, are all the woman who some freaky guy is trying to cock-block you from... who they will never get in bed.

so...

hey... Australian open.

Crazy shit..... Crazy shit......

What to write

I've had a few ideas tonight.... I'm pacifying myself with some TV... it's not any good TV sucks.. It's like beer... temporary relief, but whatever it is is still there.

hmmm well... This is all I have for now.

Post script.

Seems like life is going back to regular for me for a while. Girlfriend light, so to speak. Less nonsense twice as filling. It is interesting to reflect that alone, i'm going to be happier. Strange that thought... it's true. I feel like things are more normal... or things are back to the way they were with me. I'd like for things to not be .... in the same old grind.... the same old pre "Leap into uncertainty" ....

It sure was a ton of uncertainty....

well I have work tomorrow... Lets hope my life isn't the old grind... lets hope for a new grind.

Our pain

One of my themes this year is that pain, those demons we haul around with us for our entire lives. I've had quite a few in my time. I finally figured out how to ... Mostly heal from them this year. How to ask for help, how to process them.

I've found that there is another school of thought, those that think without them we become someone new. We aren't then the person who we were before. Of course... do you want to be that person. Are you really happy. I guess if you are, and if you are happy and satisfied, you obviously don't want change. Of course.... if you are happy and satisfied, you probably don't have many demons chasing you. It's kind of what makes the demons.

So... to contemplate. If we can release our demons.... will it make us less than who we are or is not letting them go just another way to set ourselves up as victim. Another way to self defeat ourselves. Another reason to just accept our lowly place on this earth.

Sure, some of happiness is to just accept our place in life, to just accept our suffering... but there are other ways. We don't need to be the guys who walk the earth whipping ourselves, just to prove to god that we are willing to accept our punishment.

I'm not sure letting our demons eat our flesh.... makes us a better person...

Memories of Green

I woke up feeling.... I feel like there are 2 realities right now. The one in my dysfunctional relationship, and the one i'm in now. In my off hours from work, all the thoughts from the relationship flood into me. I'm reminded of all the times. I'd say good times.... but even when I start with the good, inevitably i'm reminded of the bad.

well, the rollers are out.... seem to be getting "in full effect", I need to get focused.... contemplate going to my happy place while sitting there in front of the idiot box.

Australian open, started 2 days ago!!!!

purge part 2

I just woke up... I'm just trying to get all the crap cleared out of my head so that I can have a nice sunday. More work on monday.... so I just want to enjoy my time... I want to get it all out of my head. Looks like it's Rollers today.

when your head is full of gunk.... there is a tenancy to watch TV... problem is it's a distraction and sometimes you don't process what you need to process.

which is just an excuse to lay in bed in the dark for a while longer.

also come up with something to do today.

Ramble

I don't know where this is going... I had two ideas for posts today. Now I am just exhausted and need to purge some thoughts. Too much going on, around the old Mop.

I think people want some kind of Girlfriend update. I'm actually bummed, Trust me when I say she is a Very Special woman. Also when I say, she has to be extremely special to put up with my kind of special. I made a comment to someone about how the relationship when sideways from time to time. There is a point at which sideways... Well if things go sideways enough times, it seems like the odds of there being some kind of .... chaos are high. If any of that makes any fucking sense.

That being said.... It all got so sideways... at one point... it's tough to live a sideways life and to work on something and have it constantly go sideways. Spending way too much energy keeping things upright. I guess, if the relationship was a bike and it kept trying to ride off the shoulder. I kept trying to get it back onto the tarmac.

At one point you just get sick of it.... Fuck it... if it wants to ride in the dirt... there is nothing I can do. At one point we don't even seem to know that the relationship/bike can ride on paved surfaces... so you kind of let the bike crack and the tires blow and see what the hell happens. Maybe the relationship will realize .... the road is the place to ride a road bike. I don't know.

Worked my ass off the past week, and it will go on for a few months. I should have a few bucks to spend, I would have liked to have gone to southern Utah with her and done some riding. I guess it will be alone time if I go.

I was talking with Nancy. Nancy is funny, she has this long list of things to do. Somebody told me if you can get 3 things done in a day it's good, if you can get 5 it's amazing. Well Nancy has her schedule and plans and a full life.... and gets 5 things done every day. Then she wonders why she has to .... shall we say Decompress or blow off some steam for a bit everyday. ... I'd say have a periodic Nervous break down...for 15 minutes a couple times a week. Point is, if I got 5 things done every day, I'd carry a Fire Axe around, or a machete and a hockey mask.

.... there was something I was going to write about... I don't think this was it.

With all this work... I seem to be a bit more wound up.... I wonder where all this will go. I'll go back to bed... see if I remember.

Remember... you are never too old to go to space camp dude,

Alice

Too much caffeine, too late in the day.

Had this great interaction with this woman named Alice. By great I mean lousy. This new project i'm working on, there is this woman and for the past 3 days she has tried to spend every working moment talking.

When I was 20 I worked a job as a carpenter, the boss was very into efficiency. He was a great guy. of course talking isn't .... getting work done. For those that have read this blog, I get a little Type A when it comes to getting things done. Talking isn't it. This woman Alice spend 5 minutes telling me about if she is or isn't right or left handed... I suspect she is ambidextrous.. Though I'm still not sure. When I was even younger I worked in television production. Umn.... 5 minutes is a long time. So, Alice obviously has some problems. One of which is that nobody listens to her, since if you do... You will get a few hours of her charm. I umn.... I think in my previous post I talked about "Sharing with people". Alice I suspect has a ton of stuff she wants to share, unfortunately all she can manage to say is .... 5 minutes on if she is or isn't right or left handed. Whatever it is she wants to say.... seems to be lost in translation. The unfortunate side effect is that it means nobody even comes close to listening. It's sort of a closed loop. Alice has something she wants to get out, Alice wants to say whatever it is so bad she can't stop talking, Alice never actually says it or talks about it, At one point it's all gibberish and nobody listens. She is about 2-3 steps away from becoming one of those people who walks the street talking nonsense and being confused.

I'm working on a download issue today. I'm trying to put some data together to do some diagnostics. In the middle of it Alice stops me.

alice,"what are you doing?"

me,"We can't get this data to import, I suspect it's a competency issue and want to run some tests."

"What do you mean"

"I don't think we are doing this correctly."

ok.... here it goes.

"Well that isn't our fault, the clients don't have the right information."

"No, I think we have the correct data, I just don't think we are entering it correctly."

"Well that is because they don't show us the right way."

"Who is 'They' "

"The big 'They', the guys in the suits....(she went into some kind of strange rant.... I could have sworn that the MIB and some helocopters were involved"

"I think we can figure it out, I think the resources are there I just think we aren't trying hard enough. "

"but the Clients still don't have the right information... they need x and y and z... and they never have it"

"Ok, here is the thing... we aren't taking responsibility to figure this out, all of it is there we just aren't doing it."

"Well that isn't our fault!"

"Ok, here is the thing about responsibility. You just take it and do what you need to do to accomplish the goal."

Hopefully for the home viewer, you get what I'm saying about competency here. There is all this blame and all this horse crap... and it's getting in the way of sorting this out. I'd also like to add that this conversation went on for 20 minutes.

alice, "Well, you aren't talking about hacking into their systems are you."

me, "no, i'm talking about sitting down at the keyboard and pushing the right buttons"

"but the Clients never have the right information."

This is where I start getting irritated.

"No, We have it we just aren't entering it correctly"

"Well how do we find out, we can't get the suits to show us how to do it."

"somebody smart.... like me just figures it out, then I'll show everybody."

at this point she gets angry with me...

"You aren't listening to me...... the clients don't have the right info (here just imagine that she talks for a while longer about the same thing.)"

"Nope, it is right here we need this data and this and it should work, we just need to recognize it and enter it. We seem to be too caught up in blaming people to figure out how to do it."

(this is where she gets angry... stands up and threatens to hit me) "You aren't listening to me, the clients don't have the right data... they don't show us how... it's not my fault... (seriously... 10 minutest) I just stood there and waited until she didn't have anything more to say.

"I hear you, may I please get to work?"

"Whatever!!!"

I finally get what I need. she turns back to me and starts up again "No.... The clients never have the right data"

ok... I want to point out that this company.... takes 2 weeks to add a new employee to the systems, never sets them up right. Also can't manage to get the Time clock system going.

I've been focusing on keeping the systems running and trying to get the processes streamlined.... and functioning.

All of this while Alice has 80% of her day to sit around and talk about if she is right or left handed.

I was on the phone the other day, talking to the boss... she picked up that line and started talking on it. Then when she realized her error, wanted to ask me 'Why she had done it wrong." I had to explain that I was on the phone and needed to finish the conversation. I would be happy to spend a few minutes and explain the complexity of picking up a phone later, but please... if she could just put it down right now.

I had a classic conversation with the boss. "Well if she can't answer the phone, why don't you do it."

"well if I take that job away from her, what will she do then.... spend 100% of her time talking about if she is right or left handed?"

Self Help

The process of self help is available to all of us.

It doesn't require a $500 DVD set with Tony Robins. It doesn't require a monthly seminar at $100 a pop. It doesn't require a Therapist at $100 a week.

What it requires is the ability to Ask for help when needed. Knowing who is being helpful and supportive and who is not. You can probably tell this by knowing who makes you feel better and who makes you feel worse. I will tell you that people who are Abusive, they will actually make you feel worse. They will tell you to Fuck off. There is HTFU when we are not engaging in challenging ourselves which isn't so bad, then there is Somebody who harms you when you show vulnerability. The latter are abusers and should be kept as far away from yourself as possible.

The Second part is to Follow your Instincts. To do the things that you feel a need to do. If something is bothering you, and you want to talk to someone about it. You should do it. You also should do things that make it easy to look yourself in the mirror, and things that make it easy to sleep at night. Your Instincts should get you there. Let me remind this word Instincts, is not the word Impulse.

I picked up this list off of a web site:

NOT HARMING YOURSELF

NOT ACTING OUT

NOT DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET INSTANT GRATIFICATION

LEARNING TO ACCEPT A DELAY OR LACK OF GRATIFICATION

BEING KIND TO YOURSELF

BEING UNDERSTANDING TO YOURSELF

BEING PATIENT WITH YOURSELF

LETING GO OF YOUR UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS

LETTING GO OF EXPECTATIONS (AT ALL) OF OTHERS

LETTING GO OF TRYING TO CONTROL WHAT YOU FEEL OR DON'T

FEEL THROUGH TRYING TO CONTROL OR MANIPULATE OTHERS

DO NOT PUNISH OTHERS FOR THE MISTAKES (WRONG-DOINGS) OF PEOPLE IN YOUR PAST

LEARN TO TRUST YOURSELF

DO NOT DEVALUE OR BE CRITICAL OF OTHERS OR YOURSELF

TAKING PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR HOW/WHAT YOU FEEL

BEING ABLE TO BE ALONE

LEARNING TO GIVE AND TAKE

LEARNING THAT IN ORDER TO ACHIEVE INTIMACY YOU HAVE TO:

• BE ABLE TO GIVE SPACE AND TAKE SPACE

• SURRENDER CONTROL AND LEARN TO GO WITH THE FLOW

• TELL THE TRUTH -- LIVE THE TRUTH

• BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF IF YOU BACKSLIDE OR MAKE A MISTAKE

What are some actual things I can do to soothe myself?

1- Take a nice warm bath

2- Listen to up-beat music that usually assists you to feel better

3- Watch television

4- Moderate/Reasonable exercise

5- Journal your thoughts and feelings

6- Pet your cat or dog if you have one

7- Walk your dog, if you have one

8- Any hobby that relaxes you and keeps you busy: crocheting, reading, sketching, painting, playing an instrument, writing poetry, needle-point, wood-working, leather-crafts and so forth

9- Crying, allowing yourself to just be while you feel sad. Sometimes we do just have to let our sadness out

10-Play a computer game or video game -- do puzzles

11-Clean your house or apartment

12-Do things that soothe your inner child like watch cartoons and or hug a teddy bear. Colour in a colouring book.

For the longest time, it seemed to me that no matter what I did my demons always chased me. I would face them or try to ignore them or did a hundred things to try and deal with them.

What I never did was share them with anyone, share my insecurities with anyone. Once I did I realized ... Insecurities are normal. Repressing things is not. There are a 3 billion people on this planet.. I suspect that your problems are not original. A few thousand people have had very similar problems to the ones you have. You probably run into those people every day.

My father was probably Beaten fairly significantly by his drunk old man. My grandfather beat my Grandmother... Like it was a sport. Then he would make it up to her by buying her something. Paying for her silence. My oldest brother probably took a few beatings from my dad. He now has significant emotional problems. I was only hit a few times in my life.

My father has never ever faced his abuse, nor what it was to see his drunk old man hit his mother. My mother suffered in silence with an Empty shell of a person, who never was able to continue to grow and mature. Many people who suffer abuse become unable to "heal" and are forever stunted emotionally by the abuse. My father has always been in a constant confused state, and has never spent a day in his life Acting out... His Inner child reaching out to be soothed from a drunk old man. Every Day of his life... So repressed that every day he acts out... Irrationally screaming "I'm a Victim".

Bad things that happen to us, especially at a young age when we are vulnerable and/or when they are severe are normally not remembered. Everybody who knew my Grandfather knew he was a Heavy Drinker... Code for Drunk. But my father on the other hand, won't admit his father is an alcoholic. My father barely talks about his father. His siblings have Memory lapses around holidays and different occasions. Much of it they either don't want to remember or find it uncomfortable to remember. So when the memories come up, they have to fight to keep them repressed. of course this is the opposite of what they probably should do, which is when the memories come up... they should be talking about them.

One of my Uncles couldn't get into the military... For some reason... well "Because some of the emotional tests are so hard"... in the navy. My father could never pass the tests they gave to become management. He never understood how to lead people... he just thought you yelled at them until they submitted. I suspect the company wasn't interested in that kind of management.

These are only things I can write because this blog is anonymous.

The problem with abuse vs other types of problems is that we become unable to trust and get help. We just don't trust people enough to realize that, sometimes if we ask for it... or make ourselves vulnerable... there are rewards, and we can be healed.

If we just trust ourselves, and ask for help. Share some of our pain...

the process of "self help" is open to all of us.