Self Help

The process of self help is available to all of us.

It doesn't require a $500 DVD set with Tony Robins. It doesn't require a monthly seminar at $100 a pop. It doesn't require a Therapist at $100 a week.

What it requires is the ability to Ask for help when needed. Knowing who is being helpful and supportive and who is not. You can probably tell this by knowing who makes you feel better and who makes you feel worse. I will tell you that people who are Abusive, they will actually make you feel worse. They will tell you to Fuck off. There is HTFU when we are not engaging in challenging ourselves which isn't so bad, then there is Somebody who harms you when you show vulnerability. The latter are abusers and should be kept as far away from yourself as possible.

The Second part is to Follow your Instincts. To do the things that you feel a need to do. If something is bothering you, and you want to talk to someone about it. You should do it. You also should do things that make it easy to look yourself in the mirror, and things that make it easy to sleep at night. Your Instincts should get you there. Let me remind this word Instincts, is not the word Impulse.

I picked up this list off of a web site:

NOT HARMING YOURSELF

NOT ACTING OUT

NOT DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET INSTANT GRATIFICATION

LEARNING TO ACCEPT A DELAY OR LACK OF GRATIFICATION

BEING KIND TO YOURSELF

BEING UNDERSTANDING TO YOURSELF

BEING PATIENT WITH YOURSELF

LETING GO OF YOUR UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS

LETTING GO OF EXPECTATIONS (AT ALL) OF OTHERS

LETTING GO OF TRYING TO CONTROL WHAT YOU FEEL OR DON'T

FEEL THROUGH TRYING TO CONTROL OR MANIPULATE OTHERS

DO NOT PUNISH OTHERS FOR THE MISTAKES (WRONG-DOINGS) OF PEOPLE IN YOUR PAST

LEARN TO TRUST YOURSELF

DO NOT DEVALUE OR BE CRITICAL OF OTHERS OR YOURSELF

TAKING PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR HOW/WHAT YOU FEEL

BEING ABLE TO BE ALONE

LEARNING TO GIVE AND TAKE

LEARNING THAT IN ORDER TO ACHIEVE INTIMACY YOU HAVE TO:

• BE ABLE TO GIVE SPACE AND TAKE SPACE

• SURRENDER CONTROL AND LEARN TO GO WITH THE FLOW

• TELL THE TRUTH -- LIVE THE TRUTH

• BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF IF YOU BACKSLIDE OR MAKE A MISTAKE

What are some actual things I can do to soothe myself?

1- Take a nice warm bath

2- Listen to up-beat music that usually assists you to feel better

3- Watch television

4- Moderate/Reasonable exercise

5- Journal your thoughts and feelings

6- Pet your cat or dog if you have one

7- Walk your dog, if you have one

8- Any hobby that relaxes you and keeps you busy: crocheting, reading, sketching, painting, playing an instrument, writing poetry, needle-point, wood-working, leather-crafts and so forth

9- Crying, allowing yourself to just be while you feel sad. Sometimes we do just have to let our sadness out

10-Play a computer game or video game -- do puzzles

11-Clean your house or apartment

12-Do things that soothe your inner child like watch cartoons and or hug a teddy bear. Colour in a colouring book.

For the longest time, it seemed to me that no matter what I did my demons always chased me. I would face them or try to ignore them or did a hundred things to try and deal with them.

What I never did was share them with anyone, share my insecurities with anyone. Once I did I realized ... Insecurities are normal. Repressing things is not. There are a 3 billion people on this planet.. I suspect that your problems are not original. A few thousand people have had very similar problems to the ones you have. You probably run into those people every day.

My father was probably Beaten fairly significantly by his drunk old man. My grandfather beat my Grandmother... Like it was a sport. Then he would make it up to her by buying her something. Paying for her silence. My oldest brother probably took a few beatings from my dad. He now has significant emotional problems. I was only hit a few times in my life.

My father has never ever faced his abuse, nor what it was to see his drunk old man hit his mother. My mother suffered in silence with an Empty shell of a person, who never was able to continue to grow and mature. Many people who suffer abuse become unable to "heal" and are forever stunted emotionally by the abuse. My father has always been in a constant confused state, and has never spent a day in his life Acting out... His Inner child reaching out to be soothed from a drunk old man. Every Day of his life... So repressed that every day he acts out... Irrationally screaming "I'm a Victim".

Bad things that happen to us, especially at a young age when we are vulnerable and/or when they are severe are normally not remembered. Everybody who knew my Grandfather knew he was a Heavy Drinker... Code for Drunk. But my father on the other hand, won't admit his father is an alcoholic. My father barely talks about his father. His siblings have Memory lapses around holidays and different occasions. Much of it they either don't want to remember or find it uncomfortable to remember. So when the memories come up, they have to fight to keep them repressed. of course this is the opposite of what they probably should do, which is when the memories come up... they should be talking about them.

One of my Uncles couldn't get into the military... For some reason... well "Because some of the emotional tests are so hard"... in the navy. My father could never pass the tests they gave to become management. He never understood how to lead people... he just thought you yelled at them until they submitted. I suspect the company wasn't interested in that kind of management.

These are only things I can write because this blog is anonymous.

The problem with abuse vs other types of problems is that we become unable to trust and get help. We just don't trust people enough to realize that, sometimes if we ask for it... or make ourselves vulnerable... there are rewards, and we can be healed.

If we just trust ourselves, and ask for help. Share some of our pain...

the process of "self help" is open to all of us.