.....Haunted

I was very clear when I started this blog post, what I was going to name it. I pulled out the schedule today... got a solid to do list done. Nice long bike ride. But here I am, haunted. Starting to ask some questions about who what and where I'm going. I have been trying to do my best to follow my instincts. I was hung over this morning, and I still have Wing sauce oozing out of my pores. I can almost taste it.

I was reading something today about someone who felt they had lost their voice. I thought, dang.... that is how i feel with the blog sometimes. These days I can't dig deep and share my innermost true feelings. Mostly because, if I do I start getting phone calls. Which is nice... but I'm more psyched about this blog as a way for me to journal or share, and not as a Plea for help.

After beer and wings yesterday. There is a girl at wings 25 and somehow last time i had wings I went to breakfast the next day. Sure enough she worked at the restaurant where I had breakfast too. Instead of thinking of it as a coincidence, and I didn't recognize her, she thought she had told me about it. Then she was flirting with me, and I just.... You know she is just doing it to get a tip. I was later reminded of all the foolish old men who firt with 25 year olds and the 25 year olds take them for a "Ride" effectively trying to get them to buy them stuff. When I was at the bar this 45 year old guy was caught up in this. My response was, why would someone do this. Who would want a woman like that. Why is that what ... relationships are about... or at least to some.. It's tremendously fucked up.

This is probably the most fucked up idea I've ever had, but I just have this unrealistic vision of a relationship where ... we are both happy functional and productive. Where we love each other and move through the trials and tribulations in life. And how boring... Ya... let us have the drama outside the relationship.

Last year when I started saying "Leap into uncertainty" ... As I was typing this I got a crazy email, it was from one of my bosses. Somebody said, "Mop, you just engage crazy" of course the thing is I now know how to deal with it. I was working with this guy last week, his wife had a terminal illness. Somehow her morphine was cut off and she died of withdrawal. He was very messed up. I imagined that he may have had to make the choice to "Help her along" and that was what had finally driven him nuts. Somehow it is left up to me to deal with the difficult clients. But at this moment "Leap into uncertainty" seems to mean that there is randomness at ever turn, and a constant drag of some crazy bullshit, and I'm on a constant quest to reduce it, get closer to that which is not ... unstable. Also to do my best to not be creating instability.

well....

Ask and answer; "who am I? and what is the point"

Don't much feel like I'm making sense, for some reason. I also refuse to go back and re-read.