Only my life

Here it is.... a week before christmas. I hate all these holidays. They haven't been enjoyable since I was 8. It's funny how, at least for me it's been more of a disappointment every year.

2:30 am... I'm just sitting here. Only my life could be this odd. A friend told me months and months ago... "this is just life".... I was like.... "I think there is a reason I just hang out in the bat cave."

Only my life....

I'm not sure what to write tonight.

You know, you want your life to move forward. To make progress... progress of the soul.

You find yourself chasing demons from childhood. never realizing how much that stuff cripples you...

How a parent so caught up in their own pain can dump that pain on an entire family.... an entire new generation to bare a burden.

I guess this requires a post.

... things escalated all week.

Fuck.... I was just sick of holding it in.

I don't know if you have ever dealt with something nebulous. It's just odd when you are like "Why do we have all these problems?"
She says "we don't have any problems"
you say "What? we barely get along anymore"
she says "That is your fault"
You say "Ok, the problems are all my fault... the ones that we don't have?"
you follow up with. "seems like the problems that are all my fault that we don't have, that we keep fighting about... well they are destroying us."
she says "well that is your fault."
You say "ok... my fault, Let's just give it up. I mean, you are fine... Right just find someone better than me. I have all these problems. Move on.... you are better than this."

I wish her so well. I just don't ... I can't do this.... can't pretend nothing is wrong or put my head firmly up my ass... She is a decent person, but it wasn't working and not making any sense.

What did I say at the beginning "Things are going to change, or shit is going to get broke"

Well here is some broken....

Fucking Christmas...

Keep fighting...
Improvise Adapt overcome.
huuuuraaaa!!

Turkey day

My brother did the prayer for thanksgiving.... He sort of Lost the plot.

"I want to say thanks for food, and for having food, and that god gave us food... and that we want to say thanks for it to be nourishing, and to have nourishing food. We want to say that here we are heavenly father, with the plates we want to thank you for the plates.... and with these plates we will eat the food... on the plates and it will be nourishing.

in the name of jesus christ amen"

It was like something out of Monty Python.

of course my mother tripped him up by saying a non Mormon prayer first.

Go Mom!!!

"Let us praise God. Oh Lord, oooh you are so big. So absolutely huge. Gosh, we’re all really impressed down here I can tell you. Forgive us, O Lord, for this dreadful toadying and barefaced flattery. But you are so strong and, well, just so super. Fantastic. Amen."

Hi Blog!

I haven't seen you in a while.....

I was hoping for some Blog Therapy. We used to do so well together.

True True True.....

I have been doing a ton of reading.... You don't want to know what I've been reading.

Hey... You know what... Not only is that Roof I needed fixed at the beginning of the summer.... Also... My shower is fixed. It's super Fucked up... but it's Fixed.

In fact, I'm so thrilled about it.... I'm going to go use it.... BRB.

Did you wait long? It was nice.... not quite as great as I remember it.

I'm like knee deep in Abandonment issues, Co-Dependence, Victimization... The whole schebang. I keep asking myself all these ugly questions. I think there is a phase when things have become tough, when You aren't afraid of any of it anymore.

I've started all these in depth discussions about Enabling sexual abuse. BTW... i've promised my GF to not blog about "Us"... Which is fine. Of course this is one of those times where there isn't really an "Us". For those of you who don't pay very good attention. There is a pattern. We go through this Euphoic Period. Things are fine, and I keep trying to convince her that it can just go on. Things can just be good, and it can go on for weeks. The problem is, for some reason we have to go through a Cycle of victimization with her.

• Somehow a boundry has to be tested,
• then Either She has to be at Fault or I have to be at fault.
• Break-up stage, where she pushes me away.
• Then we can do "I'm sorry" stage.
• Then the Honeymoon stage "oh... I love you"
• Then we start again.

Now this has gone on since June. Probably 12 times. It was kind of funny the first 4 times. I was like "why are you doing this?"

She wants to have the cycle... The problem is... I keep going "nothing happened" you freaked out.

But hey.... Enabling.... It's a bitch

Caution

(This is a repost of something I found online. It's rough to read, but it's real. This and These are the things that children and people who have been sexually abused face in their recovery. I though it was so good, it was worth reposting. Realize again the stats on sexual abuse for woman are 1 in 3. These are huge issues for people trying to recover. I post it so as to help people understand what the affects of sexual abuse are. Remember... there are some amazing and Brave woman out there.)

Many sexual abuse survivors have trouble dealing with the fact that their body was sexually stimulated and felt aroused during the abuse. They may feel guilty and ashamed that they responded to the stimulation, and confused about why they did.

Feeling aroused during abuse is not an issue for every survivor. Some survivors never felt any kind of sexual arousal during the abuse. Others felt some sexual arousal, but readily accept that it didn't mean anything more than an automatic reflex response to touch. Still others experienced some pleasurable feelings in their bodies during the abuse, but because those feelings were overshadowed by the pain of the abuse, it isn't an issue for them either.

However, there are many survivors who are deeply affected by their bodies' natural responses. Some agonize over how their bodies responded to the stimulation; they experienced the sexual arousal as a humiliation, and believe it reflects negatively on them that their body responded at all. They perceive their body's response as a betrayal, with the abuser "winning," and they hate their bodies for it. This is compounded by the fact some abusers deliberately try to force a victim to have an orgasm so that the survivor will mistakenly believe that they wanted or enjoyed the abuse.

Other survivors enjoyed some of the bodily sensations that came from the stimulation, but feel guilty, ashamed, and/or secretive about that fact because they believe - or fear - that it means there is something wrong with them because they're "not supposed" to feel that way in the context of abuse. These survivors often keep their experience a secret for fear that no one will understand how they could have liked some parts of it.

In all cases, if a survivor found some of the stimulation during the abuse pleasurable, it does not mean that it was not abuse, that they weren't hurt by it, that it wasn't serious, or that it had less impact. Abuse is abuse, regardless of how the victim's body responded. Further, for boys, achieving an erection does not necessarily mean that they are aroused; boys can have erections when they are afraid.


Why is this issue rarely addressed?

The impact of having been sexually stimulated or aroused during abuse is rarely addressed, and when it is it is given minimal attention. One reason why this is such a neglected subject is that we live in a culture that is uncomfortable with the thought that children can have sexual feelings at all, let alone during abuse. Many people like to think that children are asexual, and believe that those who suggest otherwise are sexual perverts. To further suggest that children who are sexually abused might experience some sexual arousal is to risk being viewed as promoting sexual abuse, or at very least minimizing it. But how are we to help survivors deal with this issue unless we are prepared to talk about it while not minimizing the abuse?

Just as it is shocking for many people to think that sexual abuse could lead a child to feel aroused or to feel pleasure in their body, it is equally, or perhaps more shocking, to survivors themselves to acknowledge this. Many survivors suffer about this issue in silence, wondering if their body's feelings and reactions meant that they liked, wanted, caused, or encouraged the abuse, or worse, made them as bad as the abuser.

I understand not wanting to talk about this issue for fear that it will fuel the argument that "sexual abuse isn't so bad because some kids like it" - a false argument which is used to minimize the impact of abuse. But by acknowledging that some children feel aroused reduces the emotional charge, or stigma, associated with it, and helps survivors to heal.

Feeling sexual arousal in the context of abuse does not mean that the abuse was okay, nor that the abuse did not negatively effect the victim. A parallel argument can be made that if the love of your life suddenly dies, and you receive tens of thousands of dollars from life insurance, money that you desperately need, this doesn't mean that you like the fact that your partner died or that you're not suffering from that loss. Liking that you have money to support you, or needing that money, does not change the basic fact of what happened, or how devastated you feel at the loss of your lover.


Children are sexual beings

Given that children are sexual beings and can be sexual stimulated during abuse, it's understandable that some children enjoyed the feelings of arousal in their bodies. They did not enjoy the abuse; they enjoyed their body's natural reactions and sensations, and perhaps some aspects of how the perpetrator treated them. If the abuser gave them attention or was kind to them, that may have felt enjoyable too. It's also understandable if that child, later as an adult, feels upset if someone tells them that they couldn't have enjoyed any part of it because it was abuse. How does the adult survivor reconcile the reality that her/his body did feel sexual when they "weren't supposed" to? They feeling guilty and ashamed. On the other hand, it's also understandable if that adult survivor feels upset about her/his body having felt aroused since it occurred in the context of abuse.


How to deal with this issue

If you are a survivor and your body responded to the sexual stimulation during the abuse, it's important to find positive ways to reconcile that reality within yourself without concluding that you are "sick" or "bad," or that your body is. The first step is to acknowledge to yourself how your body felt, and later to a supportive and understanding person. Try to do this without judgement, but if you can't, simply telling yourself and someone else (who is non-judgemental) how you felt will help reduce some of the guilt, shame, isolation, and secrecy.

If you feel judgemental about yourself, remember that feelings are simply feelings, nothing more. They are not facts or statements; they do not say anything about you or anyone else, other than you are a fully feeling human being. It's normal to experience a range of feelings during abuse, and one of those feelings may be sexual. It might help to remember the other feelings you felt during or after the abuse, because you did not simply feel sexual feelings, but you also probably felt betrayal, sadness, fear, confusion, and hurt, even if you didn't realize that until you were much older.

There are different ways of thinking about this issue, and survivors have come up with different ways of dealing with it. Some survivors conclude that the arousal they experienced was a physiological reaction that had nothing to do with the perpetrator, and everything to do with their own body's natural responses. That is true. Others conclude that while there was some element of arousal that arose from the physical stimulation, the relationship with the perpetrator was important, and contributed to how they felt - for instance, they liked/loved the perpetrator, had a friendly relationship with her/him, felt taken care of during the abuse, and this led to feeling pleasure. They let go of their guilt or confusion by acknowledging that they felt a draw to the relationship out of their emotional needs, vulnerability, and/or neglect, and by recognizing that it was okay that they felt and responded that way.

Some survivors take the position that regardless of how they learned what they learned about their body and their sexuality (what they enjoy sexually, how to have an orgasm, that they are attracted to the same sex, etc.), they like what they know about their body and intend to enjoy it without guilt, because this knowledge is about them and their body, not the perpetrator. Even if they learned some of those things from what the perpetrator did, that doesn't mean that the perpetrator "owns" those things. They are the only ones who can own their body's responses and sexuality.

Some survivors find that they are able to accept their feelings of physical arousal, without judgement when they feel compassion for themselves, and other survivors include feeling compassion for their abusers. Their compassion helps them to let go of judgement, and to see themselves as the innocent children they were.

Some survivors find that feeling shame about having sexual feelings prevents them from fully processing their memories. As soon as they remember and feel sexual feelings, they distance themselves from the memory and can't go any further with it. They're stuck there, unable to release their emotions or fully process the memory. When they released some shame and could think about the whole incident(s) by writing the memory out or telling someone their story, they were able to step back and see the situation with a new perspective and understanding. That process helped them to accept what happened and feel at peace with themselves.

How you feel about having sexual feelings during the abuse (as well as when you remember the abuse and/or read about sexual abuse) has a direct impact on how you view the abuse and yourself, and what you think about the abuse affects how you feel, which is why it's important to work on releasing feelings and critiquing what you think. Some survivors need to think a lot about it first, and others need to feel their feelings first. If you're stuck in one mode, try the other mode. For example if you're stuck in the thinking mode, let yourself feel what you felt - then and now - without judgement. Your feelings will pass, in time, and that alone will help you to think about yourself with more objectivity and less judgement.


The abuser is responsible for the abuse, regardless of how you felt

No matter how you felt during the abuse or feel now, you are not responsible for the abuse. Even if you felt some pleasure or enjoyment; or you wanted some aspects to continue; or you were sexually attracted to the abuser; or you sought the abuser out, the abuser is always responsible for the abuse and not the child. Think about it this way: if a child sought you out for sexual stimulation, would you do it?

You are not to blame for what the abuser did, and you and your body are completely separate from the abuser. Even if it doesn't feel that way, it's still true. It doesn't matter what your body did or didn't do; you and your body were simply coping as best you could given the circumstances (which might have included a larger context of neglect and/or other forms of abuse and dysfunction too).

It helps to heal by acknowledging how you truly felt and how your body responded, to think about positive ways of interpreting those responses, to not judge yourself, to place the responsibility for the abuse on the abuser, and to view your body separately from the abuse and the abuse. Other things you can do to feel more comfortable with your body and sex include: being gentle with your body; holding and massaging emotionally charged areas with your hand and having a partner hold and massage the area as well (this will help the area to let go of some of the emotional charge - the feelings associated with the abuse); gently stroking any area of your body that defends, tightens, numbs, or otherwise reacts to sexual touch; taking sex slowly and stopping when you need to; breathing; laughing; and having fun with sex, touch, and holding. You are meant to - and can - enjoy your body and all of its beautiful sensations during sex.


It's possible to heal

Experiencing sexual feelings during abuse is not something anyone should have to feel guilty about. Children feel what they feel during abuse, including sexual feelings, and there is nothing wrong with that. For some survivors the fact that they felt sexually aroused in an abuse context is embarrassing or shameful to admit but the more survivors - in fact, all of us - talk about this issue, the easier and less shameful it becomes. When we talk openly about something, we take away its power or emotional charge. Survivors reduce the emotional charge, connected to this issue, by talking/writing/drawing about it; not listening to anyone who tells them how they "should" feel; acknowledging and accepting how they felt and feel; recognizing that none of their feelings make them crazy or bad, or like the abuser; and by fostering compassion and understanding for themselves and their body. It's possible to feel better about this issue - one tiny step at a time.

If you found this helpful please comment back. The idea it not to talk abou it on here but to know that if you do feel any of the above you are NOT alone and it is poss to heal.

Ghosts

.... Hmmm.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this.... I best turn down the lights.

Did you know that Fluorescent light is evil, It vibrates at a perceived frequency. Normal lights vibrate, but too fast for you to see it. The Fluorescents, if you watch closely, you can see the vibration. You realize it's quite Maddening.

When I was in College, the Unnatural light of one of the Labs was quite unsettling if you didn't have enough sleep. One of the freshman had a near breakdown after staying up until 2am in that lab.

Well... this isn't about ghosts.... We all have them, not literal ghosts.... Just the things that haunt us. I've become so good at the things that haunt me.... I tend to deal with them fast these days. Get on top of making the apology or Making sure I can live with what I say or do around people.

Ok.... Shit... I'm going to be straight forward.... this post is going nowhere... good premise but .... I'm screwed... I just want to get to bed......

LOL!!!

You are going to ..... this.

Most likely hate this.

Did you know that the stats for Sexual Abuse are 1 in 3 for woman and 1 in 4 for men. There is a solid chance that I spend a ton of time talking about sexual abuse over the next period of time.

I was talking to someone about what my Girlfriends father did to me. Many years ago, I realized that in order to make it real you have to say it. I was talking and realized that I kept saying that her father was sexually abusive. BTW one should never minimize it by saying "it was just Verbal". It was like her father came in and said "You are a worthless Lazy moron! I wish I never ever saw you", only instead of it being just Verbal Abuse.

It was sexual in nature, which actually makes it Sexual Abuse. It's strange when it happens to you. It's not like a movie or something like that, you are just amazed that it happened. Sure I argued with him, thought he was crazy, etc... but honestly sat there Awestruck!

At the end of this conversation I had, It occurred to me that I hadn't said "He Sexually Abused Her." When what I meant was, He "Sexually Abused me". A physically fit, Healthy Adult Male. This 70 year old Pervert, walked into my life and said all these Inappropriate things.... He Sexually abused me.

So, sure I will never be around him again. I'll never invite him over for coffee. He will never ever meet my family.

Because... Why would I want a Pervert in my life....

One final thing, when a parent abuses a child.... It's always the Parent's fault.

I mean, he has recourse right..... he made his choice... He could.... Not act like a pervert. When faced with that choice between Not acting like a pervert and Acting like one.... he chose the Pervert route.

Hmmm

Well, it seems like I'll probably be spending more time here on the blog.

I had a great conversation about Uncertainty this week. As we remember "Leap into Uncertainty". The conversation lead into one about Risk management.

It was interesting....

I'm just saying....

What does empowerment look like.

This is my new thing. We all know I like to have these things. I've been pondering how being an empowering influence, Looks like.

I've been a huge fan of respect. Treat people with respect and demand respect.

Well

I was asked to pull the conversation with her father off the blog. I want to point out that it's my opinion, and I've talked to numerous professionals in mental health, incest, and abuse. That the conversation was Sexual abuse. That was what I felt about it at the time. Just as there is Verbal Abuse.... Bla bla bla....

But I pulled it. It was a legitimate example of sexual abuse.

Passing time

Long few days. Somehow I gained 10 pounds not eating anything. Or a scale was incorrect, or I was dehydrated last time I weighed in.

My life is back to being .... "Structured" Which is unbelievable helpful. I will tell you, Live an Unstructured life, then switch it to being structured.... you will see a big difference.

I have yet to know if I'll be dating soon. Regardless, I'll probably decide to take it easy. What is yet another Christmas Alone, it will be just like the last 16... No worries, I'm sure I'll be filled with my usual Bile for Baby Jesus.

Well this was a post, I have netflicks on demand now... Which... well, I have yet to watch anything I like... Seems like if that doesn't rectify itself, Netflicks may have to be rectified. New haircut, looks slick.

I would just like to end by saying ..... FUCK!!!!

Where were we....

I'm back to my regularly scheduled life. Structure... It's important. I've talked to her a few times in the past week.

It's the most normal thing that You don't get along with someone and your Significant Other does. For some reason, rejecting her father and even labeling him as some kind of Massive Defect really Triggered her.

I'm not sure what is going on in the relationship, seems like she is having a hard time dealing with it all. Another odd thing was that there was a ton of misplaced blame in the family. Lots of weird "This is your fault, you made me do this." As opposed to "you did this, You own it"

And the Idea that I may be dating again...... Jesus!!! What do they say "Get back on the horse" but...

AB ride.

I rarely tell this;

I found the Utah cycling Community because of Allan. Umn.... So it felt natural to go to the ride, to share and remember him. That is part of where I started with everybody, Just after he passed. I sometimes like to think some of his spirit found me.

Maybe part of that spirit ... Saved me.... Woke me up...

Of course .... Some may say my salvation is still in question.

Anyways..... Thank you Allan!

I always hope I'm worthy.

Hummm

I was dying to blog tonight.... I kind of miss you old friend. But really I miss you old friends... Yes! I mean YOU!!! I miss you..... Yep.... YOU!!!!!.... Yep.... I'm serious... YOU!!!

Lots going on with the old mop.....

I want to say some stuff.... If your parents are decent human beings, if they treat you with Respect and love. I would like you to call them and let them know how much you appreciate them. There are some Awful parents out there. Appreciate it if you have one. You deserved to be treated with Love and Respect. In fact... YOU STILL DO! Stand for nothing Less.

ok... that is an hour and a half of staring at a blinking curser. That is all I have.... apparently.

Seriously, I'm either out of the habit of blogging or....

I keep saying this to this woman I love.... I seem to be saving my best material for her.

The table

I've apparently dumped my entire self worth into this stupid thing.


First Coat

So much stuff, so little time.

It certainly felt like fall tonight.

Shit.... I sat down to write and I have ....

so may things going on....

and I could use a few extra minutes of sleep rather than blog....

I do have so much to tell you.

Like I said... "Shit was going to change, or things were going to get broke"....

I guess .... things getting broken.... kind of make the change... I guess that is sometimes what has to happen.... you have to Break things and throw off the "Old ways" to make the new ones.

*punt*

Keep fighting!!!

Today felt like one of those days where it’s all a little overwhelming. I worked my ass off and will keep doing so. Sometimes it just feels like it’s all going nowhere. The wheels are moving, but I’m still staying in the same place.

It seems obvious by all objective standards that things are getting better. I have this charming woman, who continues to be at my side. Progress seems to be … Being made. But time ticks on, fall is here… Can’t deny it anymore. Still plenty of good riding and wonderful weather.

The rational side of me says “Things can only progress so quickly, don’t expect miracles in just a few months. It’s all a process that will go on forever… Life is a Journey, not a destination.” There is still that part of me what wants a magic wand waved, and for all of it to just magically change.

Well…. More work tomorrow… Keep Fighting!!!!

Some Blogging

I'm sitting here, I should be going to bed. Or Getting to bed... I am going to bed... but I should get there.

Thing are good with my Girlfriend, I'd say she tends to freak out a bit. It's ok... It's not a problem. I am trying hard to not Blog this part of my life. I would say that it's more than good..... It's actually Great. I'm very happy about it. I got her bike fixed, there are still some wonky issues I want to straighten out... some small stuff. It's funny how Anal I'm becoming about bikes, I'm actually very Anal about my workshop right now. ... but The bikes should work perfect.... Like a Ninja could ride it to kill someone. I also think that a few bike mechanics took advantage... there were some weird part combinations. Also somehow she ended up with silver and black front cainrings... and she said they had never been replaced... Odd that they would come that way from the factory.

One of these was the new chain, the other was the old... cut to the same number of links.

I have a good sense for what is going on "Globally" Emotionally... See I think that all emotions affect each-other. I make you angry, you make someone else angry..... etc.... so some emotions tend to spread... and the last 2 weeks have been kind of nasty. I had 2 different people have Melt downs in the past weeks, Then today I had another..... It's a trend.

Somebody said "The struggle is Life.... Life is a Struggle"... that is probably correct. Seems like some people struggle more than others. Seems like some people are victimizers some people....

It's interesting, One huge mistake is to think that you know what .... To think you know what someone else is saying... or what they are doing... what their motivation is.... or what their goal is.

I once talked about this as "Subtext". Many people think they Hear Subtext in what people are saying.... and it's true some people talk in Subtext... they imply things through what they say... The problem is when you are not direct... to not live with "Clear intent" as the Buddhists call it. Things are hard enough without being direct.... What you imply and what I infer.... can be totally different things. For the most part.... If i'm to cowardly to say it, and just imply it.... you should feel free to ignore it. See... I may even "imply" something that is unfair... because I can deny it. Also... I may just Imply it so that .... I'm covered "just in case"

For example:

You are being a Dick.....

I imply that you might be being a dick....

if you are being a dick... you may realize that I know it... then knock it off.

You also may not be being a dick... in which case... I'd hope you ignore it.

On my part... ya... I'm not living with clear intent....

And the problem is you may take offence to what I'm implying..... assuming you infer it correctly...

but seriously I can say to most people "Jesus You are a Dick" and most people will just blow it off... especially the dicks. So... If I imply it... people are 10 times as clueless...

All of this just leads to miscommunication...

Let alone when I just did something.... and didn't want to imply anything with it.....

"I just moved your shirt because it was in my way.... I wasn't saying you are a fucking slob"

Truthfully I know you are a slob... but WTF do I care... just move your fucking shirt.

I guess what I'm saying is.... Tons of people keep freaking out..... Knock it off...

And life is too short... Love a little...

Long Time....

Busy Busy Busy....

I actually should be doing a computer project this evening.... But it will wait... Maybe at the crack of dawn.

I've been working my ass off.... I wish it was making me rich.... but hopefully some decent money will come soon, it's silly to think about "Rich". I'm really enjoying work these days.

I guess last time we talked I was doing the post Melt down from the GF trying to break up with me. It's been very nice.... More amazing than, i've been able to even Dream for many years. Things can be difficult, every once in a while there are hickups. She may read this... Or she will read this, But... She said "We Fight".... Which isn't true, we have fought, but it's more She Freaks out.... sometimes just because I withdraw because I'm having a bad day or two. I'm big on "to do" lists.... I keep wanting to tell her... "Seriously 'Breaking up' " is not on my To Do list.... So it just isn't happening....

One of the interesting thoughts going around in my head is ... In the "Shit is going to change, or something is going to get Broke"... Well, I've started to notice how people rebel at the sight of work, or other people working. I think they get all tense, and feel guilty because they are sitting on their ass. I also noticed that, It makes them angry. For the most part I never care what other people are doing, until they get me involved. That is the trick.... If you are going to do nothing... you need to do some work.... because your Lazyness Causes other people to step in and deal with things you aren't willing to do. It's fine as long as you don't mind when someone pushes your 78 Firebird out from the middle of the road where it fell when it rolled off it's Blocks.

The problem is.... when you get upset about how someone moved your shit out of the way. Wow... this doesn't feel like a very developed concept...

What I'm getting at... is that If you arn't going to do anything... you need to accept it when other people do..... Your inaction forces other people do deal with it. Not in a vindictive way.... It's just "I'm sorry I moved your rusted Piece of shit.... but I had to..... and you don't get to complain about where I put it."

I waxed my nephue's car... So... when you wax a car... the right way... Wax can get on the windows, and you have to clean them after.... SO after I waxed washed and cleaned the interior of his car... He was pissed off, because he had to clean his windows.... I told him he needed to do it..... But somehow he figured he would get "Victim Status" by complaining about it... Not realizing that with the exception of Cleaning his carpets and glass(the easy part), I had completely detailed his car.. But I'm the dick...

Let me just add, There have been several incidents over the past 6 months of this.... Where some Douchbag, who usually thinks they can get away with some asshatery has gotten "The Hammer" ... I just... You know.... Why Get in my Grill.... I know that in order to make an omelet I have to break some eggs..... I'm not afraid to Crack you like an egg.

I also never really understood the conservative complaint about "Victim status" ... until now. I will certainly agree that it is "Weak Sauce".... but it does seem like some people are all about trying to waist everyones time trying to convince everyone that they are a victim. Then start using people.. Seems to be Mostly Middle aged white Males.... as opposed to ... Black and Hispanic woman with children.

Maybe it is just "White Males" who get away with it. Let me also say that most of them need to have been told No a few more times in their lives....

I don't know...

I'm tired...

The pictures are Jam I've been doing.

Habanero Peach Jam

I picked up some Peaches from Brigham City, and threw this together. This one is actually hotter than my other Habanero Jams. And it has a nice deep Rich Flavor from some other ingredients. Organic, Vegan, Wheat Free, Gluten Free, Unbleached Cane Sugar. No Dies or Chemicals. Fruit and Pectin.

I will try and avoid marketing here... But I'm very tempted to sell this stuff on E-Bay and Etsy

update update

It's not the best thing to ... Blog real life.

So.... apparently we had some kind of misunderstanding. I was trying to get some stuff done, and not feeling at the top of my game, and this great woman i'm dating thought I was breaking up with her.... Then it all escalated... she wanted her bike back... etc....

I figured she was breaking up with me, she figured the same thing about me.... I aparently didn't respond to her asking me in an email if we were breaking up....

it was a whole thing....

Lack of communication in the modern digital age.

I really care about her... and even worse this whole thing tore us both up...

We must like each-other.

Paint layer 9

this is my MAME project Multipul Arcade Machine Emulator. Cocktail Version.

Because we all need Cock-Tale-s

Update

Well... Here it is Some 9 months later, after trying to do Anything I can to Change my life...

Here is the updated.

• I can't take a decent shower.
• My Living conditions are Worse
• I've spent way too much money
• At this moment I'm as miserable as I've been.... Well this is in the top 5... If not worst. Fantastic.....
• And the Cherry..... GF broke up with me.

HTFU... I guess. Ten tons of work for nothing.... For Regress!!

I guess I better shut up and get to work.... If i'm lucky in 9 more months of hard work... I can be homeless. They say... when you are stuck in a hole... Stop Digging.. I'm not sure that is going to work, Going back to being a victim in my life...

I guess there were some good times.

If you don't realize why I've been so quiet.... this is why.

Fuck!!!

Update

Well.... Let me just start by saying how fond I am of this woman I'm dating. It is very much making the hard and difficult parts of life easier.

I've been very quiet on the "Social Networking" front. I'm so packed full of shit to do right now. It's hard to find time for everything.

Now Onto The stuff

I guess some of us never work on enlightenment. The concept is this, if you can understand yourself you can understand others and it helps to understand the world. If you don't realize how we fool ourselves.... How you fool you.... you can't even start.

Hustlers of the world, there is one Mark you cannot beat: The Mark Inside. - William S. Burroughs

Honestly, if you aren't aware of your own foolishness... your own ways you defeat yourself... the ways you lie to yourself...

Well you are fucked... and you are Clueless. As someone said to me, You are a Pinball person... You act you React.... That is it... You are an Animal... a Beast... a Slave to your instincts and random Fluid production.... Saliva Semen.... Shit Piss...

Inter faeces et uriname nascimur (Between Shit and piss we are born)

St. Augustine

The Awake, The Asleep, And The Dead...

If you aren't constantly fighting your own lies.... someone else has to fight them for you.... And you are probably one of "The Dead"

Authority...

I had another encounter this morning... Like many people, I was able to access beverages on the Tour of utah's hospitality, this weekend.

This morning.... it was seriously a "Race start" which means... Nothing is going on; but a sign in warm ups and a little parade. At Race starts, it's one place where you will guarantee yourself the inability to see any "Racing"..

But... It was early, and I was out late, I went for a cup of TOFU coffee, and got hand slapped... Ok.... sure I deserve a good hand slap... for many things... I'll admit it. But... It's rare that I get one for getting a cup of shitty coffee.

There was some woman "Cock Blocking" the coffee.

me, "I just want a cup of coffee"

her, "Do you have a pass"

me, "Yes"

ok at this point my cup of coffee was full.

Her, "that pass was for yesterday"

Me, "Nope, its for today and yesterday, that is how they broke them down." Both Park City events for my pass, are the same one.

Her, "Really, they don't tell me anything"

Me, "sure, read it.... bla bla bla sunday morning"

Her, "ya, they dont' tell me anything"

me, "if you don't know anything, why did you stop me? I mean sure.....But All you have is coffee and some shitty day old Danish. Seriously... nobody important is coming this morning, they are tired, and are going to snowbird. Only the True believers are here at the start. AND SERIOUSLY... ITS A CUP OF GOD DAMN COFFEE i DRINK 40 OF THEM A DAY... SURE STARBUCKS SELLS THEM LIKE THEY ARE MADE OF GOLD.... BUT FUCK.... i DRINK TWO POTS A DAY..... AND IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF MY WAY... I'LL CHEW YOUR FUCKING ARM OFF!!!!"

(OK, i'm embellishing here... I just wanted to kill her for Cock Blocking me from the coffee... and from the look of her... she needed to stop with the cock blocking and let a few in!!!)

after this incident, I had watched and I didn't see anyone else able to get coffee. I do suspect that the coffee at the start of the event was ..... ornamental only.

Quest for Status

For the most part I've grown up here. I have never been a big fan of Park City... The problem is 'I don't get it'.

Me, 'What are you up to?'

Them, 'i'm going to park city'

me, 'why what are you going to do?'

them, (there are two options here)

Either; 'Going to the outlet stores'

or

'Going to the bar'

Me,

"why would you do that? are the outlet stores a good deal?"

or
"But if you drink up there, it's another hour to get home?"

Them,

"Not really a good deal"

Or

"well, if we need to we can stay"

me, "Well why would you do that?"

Them, "Well it's fun!"

me, "you can shop on the internet and get a better deal" or "But there are better bars here"

them, "But that isn't as much fun."

So, i've been to both these activities.... and seriously it's the same shit both places.

This reminds me of the old "Condo at Snowbird" trick.

Me, "Hey, what are you doing this weekend."

them, "oh, me and the family have a 'Condo at Snowbird' "

When I was young this sounded impressive. Until you get invited up to visit the "Condo". I realized that "Condo" meant Time share on a hotel room. Worse, sitting in the "Hotel Room" you can browse the Pricing for "Condo at Snowbird" and when I was 16 it was a few grand for maybe a couple weekends over the summer.... and NO weekends over the winter.

Knowing me, I'm an asshole so there I am sitting in the "Condo at Snowbird".

I say, "But this is like a Hotel Room"

them, "But it's at snowbird."

me, "but there is just a pool, and a bad one at that, and some overpriced food."

Them, "But it's up in the cool air"

Me, "but I could get a hotel room in Salt lake for $30 and drive up here... and still go to a better pool, not paying $500 per weekend"

Them, "you just don't get it"

Me, "nope"

See to me its paying in order to say "Condo At Snowbird".

Last night after the crit, some bozo was trying to get me to get some rooms in Park city for $40, which isn't that bad a deal. I imagine I could pull off a weekend for $60 or something. I imagine there could have been a catch. Truth is, they were trying to sell me the opertunity to say "Spending the weekend in Park City"

So, the start of Stage 5 was at the "Newpark Hotel" in "Park City" or "Deer Vally" whichever you wanted to say. As I sat there, watching the race stage, It occurred to me that the Newpark hotel, which I'm sure is one of the places I could have stayed for my "Deal to stay in parkcity"... is more a Hotel on the interstate, attached to a strip-mall/Outlet mall(with american-Bistro-like-synthetic coffee shops). than it was "Staying in Park City".

It must be me.... cause I just don't get it... I guess from a couple's standpoint.... it's hotter to have sex in a new place, than the old one.... maybe that is the point. But seriously... I think I can stay at a hotel on just about any interstate... I mean... I'd like one near something Awesome, like The world's largest Ball of Twine, or The largest Bowling ally in the world.... now that would be Awesome.

Please let the Bear/Bull/Hammer Return!!!

For those that follow, it's been an aggressive year for El Mopo. It's very important for me to be making progress and being Productive. So far it's been a good year.

The last few weeks have been a different story. In fact i'm not sure if it's been Two bad weeks or Three, that is how bad it's been. Sure I could try and look back and figure it out... but What if it's been three... I'm trying not to think about it.

It now seems like I have either some kind of cold or allergies or The dust in my bedroom seems to be getting to me. It's hard to figure out which... I just know it sucks, and is hard to breath, but not here in the room seems to feel better.

It all started with a project I didn't want to do. Some Nitwit said "Lets do this"...

I said, "no, Bad Idea"

they said "No Really!! this is a great idea"

I said, "No Seriously You don't have it in you to do what you need to do. I have enough crap going on I can't bail you out of it if it goes bad."

they said, "But it's important."

I said, "That doesn't mean that it's not Impossible."

They said, "No Really, we can do it."

I said, " I think the We... is Heavily Dependant on ME! I don't think it can be done."

They said, "I insist."

Well that project has gone sideways ever since, and worse there is almost no profit potential for me, and plenty of Emotional Loss involved. Which was my reservation... High Risk, No Reward.... It's called FUCKING STUPID!

To top it all off On tuesday My GF's bike went south. Of course this is all very similar, a few weeks ago she said "I think I'm going to do the maintenance on my own bike." Which sounded suspiciously like "You should fix my bike for me.".

She says "Can we look at my bike."

Me, "When?"

Her "I'm very busy! You take it, I'll come over later."

Me, "Right"

The front of the drive train is wonky, the front chainrings want to follow the Rear. Big cogs it wants to be in the Small Chainring, Middle Cogs it wants to be in the middle, Small Cogs it wants to be in the Big Chainring. and if it's not it skips. I know my bike doesn't do that. It makes the most sense that it's the Chain, and that it's warn out. But it could be the Front Rings....

Right, The Front Dérailleurs are for CHANGING not holding it in Gear?

Maybe a fresh look in the morning....

But seriously, it's taking too much time and it's just punting the replacement of most of the drivetrane which is all a mix of shimano 9 components. Tiagra, Ultegra, 105, and a SRAM cassette... anyone spell KLUDGE?.

And all of this..... and what I really need... what the Heavens need to open up for me... is about 4 weeks of Really good work.

Welll *cough cough cough Sneeze Snot Hack Phlem*

It's hard to get Psyched about TOFU.... Sorry Kids.... I am following...

Go T-mac!!!! I think about him all the time... and he was a ton of fun last year at TOFU... He is missed...

HTFU 2

Today was a nasty day. I'm not psyched about whining about it. Some days I feel like I have no ability to accomplish anything, of course my horrible sinuses didn't help.

I took a few naps, called it a sick day. Bla Bla bla......

I do seem to be feeling better. I'm at that point where I can't stand the idea of laying down and watching a movie.....

Ya.... Well HTFU... Or whining about it is all I have...

Here is to a better tomorrow.

HTFU. Sometimes you are a Super Hero, Sometimes

You are just a dork in tight clothing and a stupid hat. After a month of trying to make it over the north side of Suncrest then up Alpine loop. I finally made the journey last saturday. That was nice, but after getting dropped on the climb up suncrest by 100 yards, and having some SkiUtah Couple smoke me up Alpine, I didn't exactly feel like the hammer.

It's been a long few weeks.... Seriously Long. Like I've been saying, shit is going to change or Something is going to break. Well, things are close to the breaking point. I tell you what, there is nothing like an understanding Girlfriend, who says "Listen Buster!!! Don't you Withdraw from me! Tell me about it, so I can help! or at least give you a hug!"

Of course none of that makes things .... easy, right now. It does help. I guess it is time to do what I can to create a more Stable life, or a more stable.... day to day existence. hmmm... I guess I'm going to try and get in a pattern of writing every day. I'm not sure i've said it, but I want to try and write something and get it published. I'd at least like to start by writing something that I'd like to "Submit" for publication. I guess that is the first step. Sure it will get rejected or whatever, but it sounds like fun. Quite a few people tell me that though i'm almost functionally illiterate, with my writing, I can turn a phrase from time to time.

I may have a sinus infection.... See how well I write!!!

Tour of utah starts tomorrow. Ya... I don't have much planned, I'm not even sure how much i'll manage to watch. Kill it guys!!!

Leap into uncertainty

Well, I've been enjoying this 'leap into uncertainty' thing.

I rode Big Cottonwood tuesday night, and I'm not sure I ate enough. It's taken a ton of feeding to recover. Of course blowing through 2k calories in addition to ones usual daily burn. It's kind of a big ride and I'm not sure I realize it yet.

shit..... this is all I have....

I'm trying.

Compression socks

I was against them as cyclist Hokum.... but I'm starting to warm up to them

Hello Blog

I'm not sure what I'm going to write. A little insomnia, I'm completely worked. Sore legs... the whole bit. I took a few more Ibuprofen hopefully that will help. Either that or there is an impending Crap. Sure, there is always an impending crap... I just mean one in the next hour.

I wish I knew what was keeping me up. There were thoughts about old jobs... Old projects. Usually there is some thread some "Unresolved thing". This was about turkeys. It was thanksgiving and they gave us frozen turkeys. They had them in the Break room in the refrigerator or freezer. I didn't grab mine because... well if it was sitting in my car it wouldn't be refrigerated. I left it and some schumuck grabbed it(Probably the Supervisor). So they ordered some more, and said "Well if we don't eat them, we will donate them to the shelter."... When the new ones showed up I said "Ya, I'm good with mine going to a shelter." At thanksgiving the grocery stores just about give away turkeys. $3 for a whole bird. Well some schumuck grabbed all of them again(Probably the supervisor). Suddenly they wanted to get more(probably the supervisor). So I'm sure he had 12 of them in his trunk. I hope they made him sick, not being refrigerated for the rest of the shift.

And that was keeping me awake...... There were some other things.. but just about as lame.

Umn... I made a comment about how I wanted my life to be different. I guess all the blog readers know this. It's certainly more than having a Great Girlfriend... Which I have BTW... and I'm not just sucking up because she reads this.... I promise.

I don't.... WANT.... I gave that up years ago. I know that what ever we get... is going to be different than what we want. So why bother.... I don't know... seems like at one point... at this point I gave up... just a bit. It seems like that "Wanting" is what drives most people. I just think it's pointless.

Well, I'm going to try and go back to bed... or take that crap I was talking about. The Gardie Jackson thing was super funny... Great that it was so important for him to keep saying "This is all a Joke"... I mean seriously... we( or someone else) show him all that love... and he thinks it's a joke... (see, now this is a joke). And seriously Sandy... Put some conditioner in your hair, get some Color in there... and you could be brothers.

The Blog

Here I am... no sleep at 1:30am. It's something I ate. I fell asleep at 10 and woke up at 11:30. That didn't help. With the indigestion, it's some of the old worries. Like I say, "No matter where you go, there you are.".

My Girlfriend is nice.... I keep calling her The Girlfriend, that is kind of disconnected and fucked up but appropriate for the blog not for Real life.

I'm not sure where the blog is going, I'm not psyched about Killing it or anything. I'm not sure I've said it but I still want to try and write something and get it published. My Girlfriend Knows about the blog... so it's hard to write anything.... I can't write my personal feelings, she wouldn't appreciate my writing my/our Intimate stuff down and sharing it with you people. Worse, if I write something I'll get an early morning phone call.

I know I am not comfortable with it. Point being, i'm not sure where the blog is going... It's going somewhere, Just not sure where.

It's still a good place to write my flights of fancy, when I have them.... about Meeting porn stars riding up Big Cottonwood.... If it truly did happen or not.... or maybe I just remembered some dude from College or High School... and decided to suspect the reason I was familiar with them... was because they were a porn star and not someone who sat across the room in math class....

I've been playing with blip.fm Wow... you think Twitter or facebook are messed up.... imagine people trying to socially network using music... it's madness.

But You know.....

Well, I have a big morning...

I need to lay down and ....

pretend I can sleep..

Maybe this time

ho hum

long time no see blog.

Not sure I can do this..... hmmmm.

I woke up early and sucked down a ton of pancakes and rode suncrest. 2:30 from here and back that is good time. it's roughly 2 hours to butterfield and back with no climbing. 4 hours from here to Millcreek or Big Cottonwood...

So... some good riding...

well... I think that is all I want to report right now..... Wish it was more interesting.....

fuck...

Need to

try and hold 600+ watts for longer than 30 seconds.

Descents and the lane

Many years ago.... I learned that "Sometimes you have to take the lane". There are times where you don't have a shoulder, or that the lanes are thin or that the last thing you want is for a car to try and pass you at 40MPH with you on the shoulder, since there might also be some big pot hole in the road that you have to swerve around, and you don't want to get nailed at 40 MPH....

So... what do you do..... You aggressively take the lane. At the speed limit hopefully or damn near.... You take the lane.... Aggressively... you OWN IT!.... say to any cars that want to pass.... NO!!! I am here and you will only pass in the passing lane. I am a Bike and I deserve RESPECT... I'm at or near the speed limit..... YOU WILL NOT SQUEEZE ME, INTO THE SHOULDER. You will not push me INTO THE DIRT..... I obey the Laws of the Road... I deserve to ride in the road.

The thing I hate..... is being Stalked by a car.... So sure if a car gets behind me and wants to pass... I wait for the right time..... the right time FOR ME! and I Yield...

Worse is to be Stalked by cars for 3 miles on a descent..... I'll even pull off if I that happens. I do not trust having cars behind me..... and they are dangerous and crazy but ... there is nothing like being swooshed at 45 mph... with 6 inches of shoulder.

There is this descent, and for the longest time I could pull the speed limit 35MPH if I pushed it. and I would ride the shoulder, and at the right turn lane I'd have cars try and hit me... or squeeze me with 3 inches of shoulder. I'd have cars pass me at 45mph just to prove that they were better than a bike in their stink mobile. All of this ended, when I started to "TAKE THE LANE"... I didn't give them an option... that and I started doing the descent at 40mph and taking the whole lane.... sure enough... it all stopped.... and things were safe... and the world was good.....

because instead of being timid.... I took the lane and put an end to the Shitmobile horseshit... Seriously.... Take the lane!!!

hmmm lets see how this goes

There was an argument tonight.

We went to the Jazz fest, and were talking and .... some Light Petting... I SAID LIGHT!! Laying on a blanket. There was a woman in her 80's, escorted by her son. She was headed to the bathroom. I waved at this elderly woman, "Hi"

Woman said the the GF, "Dear, That one is Dangerous"

Now the argument was...

Did the woman say, "Dear, That is dangerous"?

or what I wanted to hear:

"Dear, That one is dangerous"... Referring to me.... because... it feeds my wild and crazy self image...

Another one... I'm into scheduling right now. I told her that I was going to do this weeks schedule of when we would hang out, on Sunday... Because it's both True... and a joke...

This is how funny she is...

She said, "Oh... that is good. The days that you don't schedule us together, I hang out with my other Boyfriends from the social networks."

We have this ongoing joke about cyber sex.

me.... "Sweet.... it's good to hear you are staying busy..."

Her.... "Well, I just call up one of the other Nebulous Cyber Super Hero's from Twitter, when you aren't around"

......

Moppery

Had Coffee with Greg Steele today. It was cool.

The odd thing is that.... I can't blog about it... The Big dummy is very cool.

In other news....

Strange day.... I ordered some new road shoes from performance... some how they were the wrong size... I called 2 min after the order was placed.... NOPE... "We can't change the order...." WTF!!!!! Horse Shit that order won't go out until MONDAY at BEST but they can't change the 42 shoe to a 44.... FuckHeads! Seems like I must have made the mistake.... but shit.... talk about unforgiving customer interface....

So now I'm locked into... sending them back... Then getting a new pair... I'll have my new road shoes in about a Month.... Thanks Performance Bike.... THAT JUST ROCKES! I pay for something, and will get it in the next 30 days.... If I play my cards right...

Ya... Doubt I'll order from them again. I've had it with that nonsense... That is just about the stupidest thing I've ever heard.... and all the extra shipping.... Sweet...

Then... Well.... Meeting Greg... this whole mop thing gets strange to me... People talk about it... and I'm like "The Mop!!! who is that!.....oh... That is me, they are talking about."... So it sends me into a little bit of a dis-association...

Then, The car had a fucked up Battery....

It was seriously, one of those days that was trying to de-rail..... Here is the good part....

For all the shit that didn't go well... and at many points I should have turned around and hid under the covers.... Called the GF and called the evening off... I worked through it....

Leap into Uncertainty!!! and sometimes it works out.... Maybe a little sideways but it still works out..

Well what is up.....

I was wondering... I keep trying to blog. things are so busy...

Family party tonight... with one of my pain in the ass cousins. He is an Ok guy, just always trying to prove to me, how cool he is.... which is no way to prove to "The Mop" that you are cool......

seriously... if you want to prove that you are cool.... show me what a fucking nerd you are.... tell me stupid stories about how pathetic you are..... now that is COOL!!!!

Eat a 50 eggs for no fucking reason.. that is cool.

I have been eating everything on the planet... not good. Start pushing Clyde again... I'll be ready for the cobbles....

I was reflecting today.... I haven't mentioned it to the blog. I suspect I think I'll curse it. Maybe I won't mention it again, for this reason. I have this very great Girlfriend. She is amazing, no freaking out. Lots of reasonable conversations. She calls me on my shit. She rode up Alpine loop with me. Ya.... I'm Effing Crazy about her. She even busted me about riding a smooth peddle stroke. I'm still strong, but but this chick can Roll...... I'm a Lucky Lucky guy!!! Honestly, there are times when she has my number...

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!!

So my life is very full right now..... It's hard to blog about it....

Just post something

I'm tired.... too much fun.... too much stuff to do....

my body is worked... I need to start hitting 300 miles per week. It's been difficult.

I have every pain and creek... in the world right now....

and I'm loving every moment of it.

and the tour has started.......

ok bed time...

hmmm

I haven't posted in a while. I have a few minutes... Everything is good right now. Very busy.

shit... that is all I have....

Topping Basil

My basil plants were ready to top.

Here it is before
Here it is After(below)

This will help them not go to seed, and it will also make them bushy. You can cut or 'pinch' the top leaves off. You do this for each of the rising stems of the plant. This one only had maybe 2 significant stems to pinch off, could have been three. These both really were the same plant.

Borders.....

I go up to the counter.

The guy says "Did you find everything ok?"

Me, "I would like a book on utah wild plants"

Counter guy Shrugs.

I guess he was just taking a Poll!

7 people didn't find everything OK. 30 were too gracious to say anything.

Seems like we have a bit of a game Afoot!

Before I mess around, I want to say... Y'all are my friends, Loose friends, I'll say that, but the oddest thing in the world, is when I have a conversation with people. I say, "I know Burke Swindlehurst" "I know Ryan Barrett" "I know Sandy." "Julie and I are Friends" "Art is Awesome!".... I have shaken hands with many of you. But it's strange! I find it Odd! Much of this...

One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't call Burke, and say... "Hey, lets take some salsa over to T-mac." That hurts to this day. As Catharsis I should say "Sorry, T-mac! I very much wanted to sit down and have some nice home grown salsa with you. It was my bad!"

I find all of this kind of ridiculous. I find it kind of silly some times.

Truth is, there is a Sanctuary in my blog. I love that I can wake up in the middle of the night and just bang on the keys, and get out what I want to say. There is something Cathartic about it. I want to be able to keep doing this. I want to be able to Share some of my own Very personal thoughts and struggles with My readers as well as my love of Local Cycling, and local Athletes.

Sometimes there is a sense in the air, that I don't have real friends, or that I only interact with the world though the computer or through the blog. For the Man behind the mop, It's not true. I have many great friends And I tend to date some very charming exceptional woman.

In January I said, "Shit is going to change, or shit is going to get broke!". It's very much what I'm doing.....

Once more INTO the BREACH Gentleman!

Leap Into the Void of Uncertainty!

It's very much "Worlds Colliding for me".... But fuck it, I can hang! Honestly, I have no idea what is happening. That is why it is Uncertainty! I do have some games I want to play, I hope they go well, and this should mark the beginning.

But there doesn't seem to be a Great Reason, why "The Mop" can't manifest himself Physically. If I want to be a SuperHero... Seems like you have to take Physical Presence.

Nancy, was asking me about Sandy.... I said... "YES! This is what Mop's are for!"

What Ryan didn't tell anyone, was that he rolled up on me, and I freaked out and rolled off the shoulder into the dirt... I felt like I was in Alice in Wonderland, and I had drunk the potion to make me little! I'm 6'

oh... and I did try and kill Ryan in the west desert!... or not.

Allons-y!!!!

On my wheel

I didn't realize how strong I am. The other day, some guy caught my wheel, not anyone serious. But I was like, Ok Catch my wheel. slowed it down to 17... and he stalled... and hung back 20 feet. Then I waited.... got sick of dogging it, and then just jacked it up to 20+ and he just folded.

Last night I was on a small descent, doing a quick ride. Somebody was stalking me again. I waved them up to my wheel, and they didn't take it. I dogged it, waiting for them. I knew there was a 60 foot climb coming up. I dug in, and pushed it, into the red up the little climb. They didn't even know what hit them. At the top of that little hill, I looked back and they just had nothing. Over the hill and down the road... I didn't even see them again...

I'm not talking myself up but there is some sauce in my legs.

Jamie Lee Curtis.

Jamie Lee Curtis.... Hermaphrodite?????
What seems like a new debate about the sexuality of Jamie Lee Curtis, has sprung up.

Let me just say.... The above Picture does speak for itself(-1 for the Rumor)...

But ok... Legwarmers.. She could pass herself off as a very gay man... if it's true. (+1 for the Rumor.Total=0)...

On the other hand, Look at those hips(-1 for the Rumor.Total=-1). This is also pre photoshop.(-1 for the Rumor.Total=-2)

Ok.... She is the Daughter of Tony Curtis.... (+1 for the Rumor.Total=-1)
and Janet Leigh (+1 for the Rumor.Total=0)

What would be more interesting is if she was intersex-hermaphrodite, And that what they tend to do... is chop off the Male organ, and the doctor decrees them a woman. Then they struggle with identity the rest of their lives.

Of course when I did the search and typed "Jamie Lee Curtis". Google search then added 'Hermaphrodite' as the second automatic(auto-Fill) search was 'jamie lee Curtis hermaphrodite' .(+1 for the Rumor.Total=1)

It's hard to argue against the Google Auto-fill.

But... how dare someone challenge the sexuality of the star of 'Trading Places' (-1 for the Rumor.Total=0). I think those were my first real living color Boobs!!! That would have meant some very early and excellent plastic surgery.(-1 for the Rumor.Total=-1)

This one may seal it... she is married to Christopher Guest!(+1 for rumor, Total=0)

At first I doubted this was blog fodder.... but sure enough...

To be honest.... I doubt it, this is a true rumor..... But its fun to talk about...

Friday again

I'm not sure the dude Abides anymore.

I'm not sure how I feel about this...

(this also feels like a non-sequitur)

If I had a Heart Rate Monitor ... Only it was "Mop Nonsense Monitor"... It hit 90% today. It's probably not just "mop nonsense" it's all my nonsense....

Hard day... Not on the bike..

I had a very nice evening....

but it feels like a friday... I need to shake the darkness.... Com'on Mop... kick it in the Balls...

Epic Tease!

It's the chase.... Not the destination.

The Journey, Not the Arrival.
I'm tearing this roof off. Don't worry in 2 weeks I'll be in full melt down.

"WHY DID I START THIS!"

"WTF AM I DOING!"

Then I will nut up and get it done.

It would be nice if this didn't happen.

I have some fun little games I want to play... I hope some other people want to play too. I'm not sure how to go about them. But I'll get there...

I was reflecting today on ... As Nancy was teasing! Being a one man storm!

I love woman! You have no idea.... Love Love Love.

Every once in a while.... there is some pain... on both sides. I don't like the pain, it's no fun... It's still the same thing, just the other side of the coin. One of my huge fears, and one of the things that Tears me up inside... Is causing it... That isn't what I want. But it's real...

No matter what, there is always love, for everybody.

Word is..... "Life is a Great Opera"...

You can sit and watch.... or you can take part!

I like to amend that phrase, "Life is a Great Melodrama!"

I mean... You have seen it? Exaggerated plot and characters... Super hero's and Super villains... Damsels in distress.

Ya... Epic Tease... Because in Life things are messy.... things are Hard...

Life is a Journey... A Quest... It's the Work.... The Travails that we suffer in the Journey... they make us what we are; The Joys, The Tears, The Laughter, The Friendships. Not the destination.... Not Where we are... But how we got there.

The Journey tell us more about who we are, than the destination ever will. Sure.... you are the CEO of British Petroleum.... but Who are you?

Because... No matter where you go! There you are!

Yep.... I have this roof to pull off!

Sideways

today had a promising start....

Then like a bottle-rocket... it suddenly went off sideways.

I just can't even......

Too Much.....

More sleep....

More love...

The demise of Hardware stores

Me, "I need an AC motor"
Them, "What is that?"
Me, "Alternating Current, it's for a Fan!"
Them, "Huh!"
Me, "You arn't familiar with 'Alternating Current'? you work in electronics? or was it 'Motor' that has you Confused?"
(I got a very hateful look after that)
Them, "We don't have that!"
Me, "in all of lowes you don't have an AC Motor?"

The better one was a few years ago when I asked for a 3"x3" copper plate.

Them, "what do you want that for... What are you trying to do?"
Me, "I'm building a water cooled Heat Sink"
Them"HuH!"
Me, "I think I can improve the cooling properties of this system I built, if I can get a Solid State Water Cooled Heat Sink on it. But I need some copper plate."

Stranger in a strange land!

Things have been strange... but the good kind.

Very busy, and with some hard riding... good stuff.

I was telling Nancy this today, I may have freaked her out. I kind of doubt it. I was mentioning how strange things were. I told her that I had an E-mail a week ago....

Let me just set this up. I mentioned to A friend of mine, a female friend, that a woman I knew, was joking, and yet not joking about being tied up. I got one of those raised eyebrows. This is a former Mormon housewife... turned drinker smoker... trouble maker. I teased her, when she showed a shocked reaction. I said "Why? what do you do... Lay there stiff as a board... praying for the orgazum fairy?"

This is 2 months later. In the interum, there has been some much more open talk about sex. Not between us, Seems like she is "Curious". When I was in college, I dropped LSD and said "Police are there to make sure nobody is having more fun than you are." By "curious" I mean she is curious if someone is having better sex than she is, or could be having.

This is the email I got:

Paraphrase "You are a very Naughty boy!... Its ok... I think we can fix it...."

Just hang on one FUCKING MINUTE!... Ok... I get the "Naughty boy" game. But I hate to break it to you.... I'm a God Damn Top..... And don't you fucking Forget that! And the closest I get to that game, is a little Librarian Action!

Second of all, if you don't know the difference between a Top and a Bottom... You best not be playing this game! Least of all... With a TOP!

Ok! ENOUGH SAID!

like I said...... Things are fucking strange!!!

(Note to readers... This post is just a bunch of fun! If you notice, I did not quote my response. The e-mail was a paraphrase. Nancy noted that she was not freaked out!... because... who can freak out Nancy? Right!. The response is what I wish I had said... if I lived in a dream world, and not the Real one. A Dream world where you can talk to people like that. My actual response was basically, "I think you are way off base here, and you may need to back off".... I think I also considered the title "Don't make me get my Top out")

Super Tired

.... Long day... Some days I count myself as lucky, and this was one of them. Everything was right with the world.

so I can't complain, but instead of just tired... I'm super tired.

Damn!

I don't have anything today. My day was mostly thinking about going for a bike ride. The rain is finally getting to me. But I still made it out.

Tired

Six hours of sleep last night. up at 4... and it was cold... I searched my bed for warmth, and it wasn't there. Of course I put the spring blankets away too soon. Sweating to death a few days ago. Now I'm freezing.

I only pulled off 12 hours of working my ass off. No bike ride...

I'm hoping for some rest and a rally tomorrow. This is all I have.

No bike ride... makes one feel like... not a super hero..

Tired

at 5am I heard the rain, and ran out and covered most of the garden in a gigantic tarp, so that I could still plant and not be trudging through mud all morning... Worked great.

We planted our asses off until 9pm. at which time it was all completed.

then... work work work work... I did have a nice ride. then more work.

sorry.. just tired...

Not sure what to do with this.

Very long days, and they start at 6 and go until 10pm.

Here it was, 9:30 finished dinner and time to decompress...

Keep Fighting... It's all I have.

Things are going to change, or more shit is going to break. I guess the adage is "Can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs." I've been hard on people. It's a big mistake to get in my way. I swear to god, I'm dying... not like I have Cancer. I work too hard to have as little as I have. If somebody thinks they can make things harder for me... or get me to put in a few more hours because they are lazy.

I want more. I swear I deserve more. I gave up "hoping" that Deserve had anything to do with it 15 years ago.

Life just 'Is' to me. What I want, and what I deserve. These aren't concepts I ponder, generally. I'm not about to Dwell on them. I think I've managed some very bad hands at the card game of life. I've done the best I can with them. It's enough.... it's honestly, all I have.

What is the song, "you don't always get what you want, but you get what you need!"... well, i'm not sure I've been getting what I need.

and for the most part, it's time to demand it.

My Ex... she told me to buy a dog. Something to love and that would lick my face in the morning. Good advice, but it would shit all over everything.

There is certainly more, stuff I refuse to talk about on the blog. Much of it is relationship stuff. Nancy threw a little tidbit, seemed like something I already knew.... "People can either hang with you or they can't.". Again, I work my ass off. I deserve a few fun hours on the phone to a friend, or a nice bike ride with another. I deserve it to be a nice, a fun time.

And ya... I'll fight for it, with every cell in my body, and i'll fight for what little i have. I'll piss and shit and kick and scream for it. Until anyone who steps in my way... Well honestly.. until they shut the fuck up.

Certainly I could consider, showing more compassion and love.. it would grow more fruit... but I think i have played that game.

I work my ass off, every day.

People don't quite get how "High Volume" people cyclists are. They are down on 3 or 4, and we tend to run at 6-8... and love to kick it up to 10.

Yep... but there is a price to pay... but there is also a price to pay for not hearing the music.

There's an old Earth saying, Captain. A phrase of great power and wisdom, and consolation of the soul in times of need." - “what's that then?” “ALLONS-Y!!”

(this one had it's moments, If I put some more time into it... developed some of the themes better... and in a more cohesive manner.... But... it's bed time.. More thoughts tomorrow)