Hypervigilance

.... I was a bad man today. I was descending today, and didn't take my headphones out. I came 6 inches from a car. I'm sure they were freaked. It was a moment where I had resigned myself to being hit. I didn't need to over correct. I was certainly spooked. It's where my head is at right now.... Edge of the envelope.

   I've become Hyper Productive. I haven't seen this since Pre-Girlfriends. I'm hoping this time of year is Post girlfriends.

One of the blog readers will know what I'm talking about here. Met this woman today, I'm thinking.... Well you have to meet more woman, I hear there are healthy woman. Her posture said she was friendly. Of course then went the teasing. Yes, I feel bad today... I'm going to drink water. I know you feel bad for whatever, but don't get me involved. I'm just nauseous. Making fun of my health, does not make me like you. It's also a bit of a red flag.

  I realized today I was kind of a confrontation hound. I saw someone victimize then try and become a victim all in 30 seconds. I hate people.....
You haven't heard from me in a while..... I'm working on that.

 

The wee hours of the morning

It's 3:30 am. This isn't good.

The old demons have be by the Heels ....

can't I have a boring life.... why have y'all rejected it.....

Rejected the one thing I crave.....

Where is my boring life

Living in a cottage..... taking care of the garden....
Where is that boring life..... why is that so hard?

It's the old wounds...

Chased by demons, fairly aggressively, today. I don't know what it is, well sort of. Watching Black Swan Didn't help.... WTF a stabbing.... but I digress.

Lots of memories, unkind memories... why now.... why today... Just to remind me I guess. I must need a reminder.

Why am I chased by all these demons. I don't deserve them. It's like being locked in another person's hell. Foolishly I tolerate it. I said.... a few years ago.... Life is like a great melodrama. Those were the good old days. Those were those halcyon days, when I felt like it was all in front of me. I guess it was, who knew it was going to be like this.... I guess you never know.

There is a duality in people. Someone said there are 3 people. Their Self then their Secret self.... I think the third was the crazy self. I don't buy that. The duality seems like "the person" then the things that person does to survive.... I think someone said Morals are not things we discard when things get tough, those are hobbies. But in that duality... are they rotten..... or broken...

I just want to get some sleep.... just want it all to go away... never does.

I can't even drink enough to really make it go away...

chasing demons. .... it's the old wounds.

Filled with hate

I'm still ..... Well, filled with hate.

I'm just tired of it..... Tired of all of it..... I'm liking my bike rides.... I guess I"m getting fitter.... hard to workout and get less fit.

Fed up.... I don't really have more words for it. I was sitting here hoping I could come up with 100 words on how I feel.... I'm irritable, Don't really want to be around anyone..... Just want someone to hug and love me....

if only one could eat enough pie to fill in all the emotional holes.

How do I make a pie full of hate....

My perfect day.

This is my version of a perfect day.

Awake Coffee, yogurt.... fruit... maybe some some light grain.

a good 6 hours of productive work and 3-4 hours of exercise.

Exhausted, one's significant other is there.  "you help clean up, then help me with dinner".

Quick meal prep... Exhausted eating and some cuddling and falling asleep watching some movie or other....

That is a perfect day.....

Exhausted into sleep...  Wake up.... and kick the world in the ass again....

Somehow ...... this is difficult. ..

one day at a time....

It's a fairly ugly world I see these days. I was out this evening, Imagine this.

You meet someone they say "Hey! I'm in a band."
"That is awesome! What kind of band?", you reply
"Well it's sort of Cover band Tribute band"
"What sort of stuff do you play? what bands?"
"Well; Kind of .... The Monkeys, beach boys, maybe some Herman's Hermits. "

These guys were playing in some shopping center today. Watch out, one of them had his Jazzy parked next to him on lead guitar...... Yes... they do play weddings.

As I sat there assessing the crowd. 1 in 12/15 of y'all are too fat to have sex. I mean.... .maybe you manage.... but it seems like it would get ugly. Is it the steroids in the meat doing it..... WTF...... it's like being Neutered by BigMacs and fries.
This is your life... and it's passing one day at a time.

I still really fucking hate you.

   A few days ago I had that feeling. The feeling that the future was in flux. That there was a future out there that    was not anything I could imagine. A future where the players are unknown, where the board is not one I've seen. I think I just hope that somehow the rules I recognize   I realize I had become groundless. Which is good to be honest. A clean slate for the future.....

    A day ago..... things started to flow. The flow of the world started to pump it's breath back into me. It felt like a cool clean glass of water had finally touched my lips. Like my feet had hit the trail.

Like moments of lucidity. Feelings of clear and centered guidance a world which moved under my feet, where the sun shined, where clear healthy winds blew and filled my lungs with a delicious elixir. Head held high..... a body stirred.

Still some of the darkness lingers. It still holds me in it's grasp... Still I can see and feel it's tendrils. Still they make me tremble.... They still startle me and stop my breath...... Just breath..... Just breath.....

refrain the title.

Bitter

..... She read it. Finally, she bothered to check the old e-mail and read what was inside.

I know what was inside, I wrote it. Nothing angry, nothing bitter. There was a time when I would concern myself with how someone would feel reading something I wrote or hearing something I told them. That isn't my concern..... that is life.... Life is .... people have feelings. People make decisions..... People make choices. It's not for me to take any of that on. It's for me to deal with my feelings, to make my choices. Beyond that..... let the chips fall.

   I know it sent her spinning. I know her brain is on fire. Somehow this wasn't her game. Somehow this... isn't what she wanted. She wanted to roll along, her rules.... her game..... Suddenly, like a truck it hit her..... the melodrama has spun out of control .... no longer is it the game she thought she was playing....

   The lying the manipulating..... all of it... teetering again. All I wonder now.... how do I deal with the response. If there is any.

on thrift and booze

I'm going to try something new. I'm going to try and write and give it until the morning to publish it. I want to write an essay about writing, my writing.

One of the things this blog used to have was honesty. That was when it was best. I actually regret the fact it's harder to be honest. I think that honesty is the best part of real writing. That is much of what I would like to start getting back to.

It's also funny, sometimes I have an idea and I spit it out....... well 3 sentences later.... I've said it and that is the ball game. One paragraph....

I cracked open my last beer..... I'm hoping something can open the flood gates here.

I've really been metaphorically picking myself up off the floor for the past few months. Don't ask me why..... don't ask me how I got there.... Sort of an entangled mess of ... well when things are a mess or a Knot of tangled nonsense. Obviously it's impossible to explain a tangle web that to describe it as anything besides just that.

I sort of wish I could get really drunk and just wallow in it and get it all out. I am so filled with hate. If I mix that with my own self loathing for my lack of super hero status.... other various self loathing. Here it is 9pm and I want the day to end.... and I don't want tomorrow to start.... but it will, if I want it to or not.

Promise

I'm starting to doubt love will ever be what it once was. Now that I've said that, One has to wonder, I wonder if it ever was.

    I guess it has to be, If we didn't know the feeling, one wouldn't know the feeling that we were missing. Sense of wonder and excitement....... All it's promise.....

    Maybe that is what love is.... Promise. Sometimes I'm blown away by how words become the very epitome of the word. We make a promise to someone.... We keep that promise. In all of that promise.... we have promise. That is a relationship, the long lost healthy relationship..... The white Unicorn of Love.... To have and live up to our promise.... More to the point even to live up to our own promise. To live with promise.

   The antithesis... those that make promises they never intend to keep. Those that don't know what one is. Those that will never live up to any promise..... those that only make promises to convince people into giving them what they want. To never be willing to agknowledge the promise.... to lie about it even happening.

Hard days

I could just use feeling good for 10 hours. I've managed a couple hours. As much as I loath my physical condition.... It's improving. I need to not de-rail it. I also need to forgive myself for eating some bad crap... Meaning Wings and beer. Then eating... a plate full of turkey and cheese and some bread and pepperoni... .Why do I feel guilty about that. Besides the bread I should feel good.....

I just want to be a superhero and I want it now.

I want to not feel fat, I want to not be angry, . I want my shirts to not feel like tents(though maybe optimistically they are getting looser). I want to not hate myself..... I want to not hate everyone else.

I want to wake up refreshed and satiated. I want to feel like a new dawn has started and more progress can be made..... I want to be clear of thought and intention..... I want to be loved and respected.....

I want to put in hard days and feel like they are paying off.......

crackers with your...

I was talking to my father.... he had to tell me how he had paid bills today. You never met a person who took 2-3 days a month to pay bills. I know what avoiding it is like, but it really only takes an hour or two..... They also have bill pay.

I laughed at him. Then he added to victim status by saying "don't pick on me"....

Jesus...

Then I kick off an hour of self loathing about complaining about anything. Ya... You can fuck off. My body hurts and I need some sympathy and encouragement.

Felt good, tried not to kick off the self loathing of not riding today. something is off in one of my knees but I think it's ok, I want it to heal.... I'd jump off a bridge if I ended up taking a few days off at this point..... Well I'd probably just kill someone.

Feel like under me some strong legs are developing.... now if they could push something fitter than the bag of potatoes up top.

.... break open the gin.

How if I drink all day.

I pulled off my morning routine in 15 minutes..... Lets strava that!!! But now it has lead to a long morning of ..... Hating my day....

How if I quit.

maybe the coffee will kick in soon

The past month or so...

So..... I haven't gotten into this.

One friend who thinks that with my brother dying..... obviously I now want to get married. Unaware that when we dated..... she broke up with me 30-40 times.... like twice a month.

Another friend who didn't understand why she didn't get attention while I was In new Jersey, and when I spent the following weekend with family..... and why I couldn't fulfill her emotional needs during that time. Into the first of several tantrums.

Neither of them realizing that..... They broke up with me....

I'm telling everyone... here is a secret, if you want to be in a relationship. Don't break up with the person you want to date. I know....

This crap on top of my brother dying..... Ugh....

Curb Kicking!!

Tired as nails

I'm exhausted and on edge. I want to go to bed and get some good sleep..... wake up and start again tomorrow. I'm fairly emotionally worn out..... ya, taxing on the body and it's getting me on edge.

I think I may stop drinking... mostly.... You know for a time.... I really think that is part of my fitness problem. I mean.... to think about the gallons of booze I have had in the past months.... I don't think it has helped.

Lots of recovery today..... I am both completely emotionally worn out and.... want to chew nails.  so... that is a nice feeling...

so long...

More rambling

I have one remaining episode of "The Prisoner" to go. I'm going to be psyched to have it over. It's not very good. I'm just finishing it to prove I have the stamina to do so.

I do intend to write as I watch. What shall I write about. I swore I had something. I'm going to drink a cup of tea..... I should drink more tea. I rode for nearly 4 hours. Zero food. My riding is getting worse. Last fall, in horrible shape. I was moving nearly twice as fast. Even last week I was faster.

I'm guessing my current results, relative to past weeks are mostly because I'm getting fatigued and could use some rest. No rest for the wicked. I do feel stronger.....

The only easy day was yesterday......

What I don't like..... I'm riding on negative emotions. Lots of hate and anger and self loathing. I'd say I'm riding on the dark side, what I don't like about saying that is that we have negative emotions, its best to not pretend that they are there. They don't clear unless we let them out. Just because I can ride and am riding on negative emotions, doesn't mean they are taking over. It just means that they are there. What I don't want is for them to the the "source" of my riding. Otherwise we create the negative energy to keep the hate going to make it all happen. That is what I don't want..... at least that is my thesis.

I've also taken it easy, told myself to give myself a break. Just try and ride with some joy. I'm hoping that builds.


More tea.... How delicious, fruity tea.

Work and a dark place

I have to remember that it's working. I have to remember that all this work is worth it. Today's ride was as bad as it gets. Digging in as hard as I can. I said last weekend that it's how hard it feels, not how hard I ride. How it feels is the real sense for how hard I rode, how much I"m earning it.

I said today that I wish my body would just submit and decide to be athletic. I'm tired, and exhausted....I feel like crap.... I hate my fitness.... I hate my life. I'm really putting in the effort. I'm impatient for it to pay off. I'm working hard.
I look at where I was in the fall and feel like so much crap..... and I was in shitty shape in the fall. It's all my time on Google Pluss and probably all the Gin and Scotch I have drunk in the past 8 months. I look back and imagine how many gallons I have drunk..... Ugh....

Dark places indeed... Need to keep climbing out..... Need to get to where I was, need something....

I quit

Everyone hates me right now BTW. Yep, well many of you do not. Yet.... my usual people who say "I'm sorry you hurt." "Good job on the hard ride" "you are awesome, Keep doing it" "Atta boy" ..... "let me put some lotion on that"...... Well they all hate me now. Good for them...

I mean... what did I ever do but try and keep relationships going with them.... when they wanted to be crazy.

but I digress... On my ride today, that was the internal dialog "I fucking quit" Of course I did this until I couldn't climb any more. Saying .... well I can do one more hill... then I quit..... No... I can do the next hill.... then I'll really quit. Next road marker... then I quit... Until I said.... Oh... fuck... I just can't do that.

all on no food. I wanted to bring food.... but I was distracted and disoriented out the door and my pockets were empty.......

but seriously... I fucking quit.

aren't there supposed to be rewards for this shit..... and seriously Strava says "I suck".... Nice to have gutted myself and come home and have strava say "You rode like you felt.... Fucking quit loser"

Earthquake

It sort of feels like an earthquake under my feet right now. The whole ground is shaking and i'm just trying to to stay upright. It's good. It shakes out all the refuse. All the weak links.

Oreo's btw are really not good dipped in milk. I think good washed down with milk... not good drenched in milk. Not like chocolate chip cookies.

Strange, I need to have some belief that things will turn out, that things will be good. Maybe that things will be less crazy or a manageable level of crazy. I don't have much tolerance for it. I have an ability to deal with it, but I don't like it. By tolerance... it just means I literally can't tolerate it. Funny, I developed a fairly hyper aware sense for the nonsense.

ah... cookies.... Seriously... cookies and the earthquake are not related.

Fitness

Or lack thereof....

Yesterday Kicked my ass. Probably overdressed, some odd 800 feet of real climbing. More than that if I get to count every gyration. But it hurt. The good thing is I feel just a little bit more like an athlete today. I managed a small ride today. I'm trying not to hate the ride I'm going to do tomorrow. Who knows.... I'm just trying to enjoy it. That may be working.... just to enjoy my rides....

Ride with love and joy....

maybe live with love and joy. 

more over it...

.... Seem to be over much of the bullshit.

Honestly sick of the crazy people. Can't take it anymore. I'm trying to free myself of all of it, create a vacuum  and hopefully some good stuff will fill in.

It's a lonely prospect. Things shouldn't be this way..... There should be more love in the world. I don't mean more Sex. I know people are shallow. But for hells sake, could there just be more love. Tons of resources, tons of time on our hands.... And what do we do with it.... Not enough love I'll tell you that...

And the shallowness..... seems like it's part of what destroys us.... Like sex got tacked onto love like a parasite. Obviously some nice Loving sex is a good thing.

Please.... I beg "the powers that be, Out with the bullshit and in with some good"...

I'm so tired of the bullshit.

Going to do a sort of drunken homage to W.S.Bouroughs....

I was inspired by something. I don't remember what.... dislike bile anger.... hate.... I should type this up on the typewriter.... the dynamics of form change the art.....  Form and technology can dictate art almost as much as theme.

Yes, pardon me I have been drinking..... Sometimes it's what breaks loose the cobwebs....... Judge... don't judge.... it's what I have.

1994.... You know it is a fucking eternity ago.... some of the kids today were born there... lets do the math. 1994-2012. ... fuckers born then are 18 now. Speed, dumb and dumber, Forest Gump.... they were born that year... they have no recollection of those..... it's not until 2000 that they start to remember.... beyond that they are "Classics" Forrest gump as a classic...... I'm not a smart man, Jenny!!!! Run Forrest Run.... it's a fucking classic to them. They smell a whiff of the seven samurai....... War Games was a quaint and curious future...... I lived that shit....

Jesus... how much I hate Jesus. Biblical scholars can't agree on if Jesus was born in a manger or a cave.... if the "last supper" was passover or not..... but evolution.... that is a problem... because every nuance hasn't been worked out. I hate to say this outloud... but if you don't know if he was born in a manger... you probably don't know if he was born. I mean fuck... was he a carpenter or a laborer.... ya.. .the text isn't clear...

but some olives and some unleavened bread can cure anything

I dig this writing .... This is much better... much .... more real... Feels good.... Feels honest.

I want a taco!!!

Down to you and me

White Wine.... I may have to finish the bottle.

The bungled and the botched.




I think I need about 10 more friends.....

Ever get the feeling you are being punished for your sins..... What sins? Punished for being decent. we are all punished.....

What if I drink straight out of the bottle.

Lone Peak

I am going to set a cross training goal. I think I'm going to do lone peak soon. I need to do something solid first. I've put a few miles in on my feet. They should be good.

It would be nice to do a short back back to prep.

Seems like it would be a fun way to get more fitness going.....

Sure I could solo it in one day.... That isn't that much fun.....

I think that overall I'm feeling good. I feel like I'm on a fresh start on the old pathway. I'm not much into the old bullshit and ready for some new things.
Feels like the old zest is coming back.

I remember an old mantra....

Shit is going to change or something is going to get broke. allonzy!!!

Tired of ...

Well, I'm exhausted from being angry. It's going to ebb and flow but.... exhausted from it.

Today was a rest day. I'd like to rest more.

ugh.... Going to lay down.

Dream

   So, I had a dream. I had a car very like the car in "the wrath"

It seemed to run on Jelly jet fuel... and they started selling it at gas stations. I don't know probably about my anger.
Somehow there were some women, and I was dating one.... but some dude kept trying to steal my car and it was getting in the way of my relationship.... or something.
Not sure my anger currently is getting in the way of anything date wise. I don't know. I guess regardless, my anger is my anger and the emotion is real.

I had a thought about my anger, it was more that I sort of needed it. Need to not deny my real feelings, that isn't healthy. Just because I'm angry.... I think I get to be angry. One of my thoughts was that maybe I don't get angry enough. Maybe I still withdraw and repress my anger.

Some of my anger is certainly at myself. That was what the therapist(my bike) said today. As much as I'm angry at some externalities, maybe even at the world at large. I'm also angry at myself.... I need to do more, I need to be more.

Ride with love and joy......

One of the things that strikes me. I look around at the woman around me. I see impossible relationships, ones that are friendships. It's good, it's healthy. People far away as well as woman who I know won't date me.

Then there are the dysfunctional ones. I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago. She was talking about something, I said...."that is not what she told me 6 months ago" she lead me to believe something completely opposite. She was lying now or she was lying then. A direct lie. Either way she was leading me to believe she was someone who she wasn't. I was like....

I guess for the most part I must be too honest, I guess I should accept all the lying that goes on. I just feel stupid when it's like I'm being taken advantage of.

Where is that In between woman..... where is she....

I was talking to .... I keep wanting to think that I'm just not seeing this right woman. I'm too caught up in bullshit. Somehow she is invisible.... but ... I take a count of the woman in my life. It's like some kind of polar opposite thing.

I was talking to a friend.... It's just that woman who can just hang on for long enough. One that can just manage to not throw furniture at me or spend 3 hours telling me shit she hates about me.... well that I already hate about myself.... Ya! Lady, I'm working on it. If you shut your pie hole for long enough to let me deal with it. I could start working on it.....

But when do I get my Tirade.... when do I get to say "You are an ungrateful Bitch! I spent three hours trying to fix that thing you were complaining about..... When will you extend that same courtesy....

bla bla bla.....
Where is the woman who can just love me for a while. I mean... I'm just asking for one every other month... or half of one every month.

When do I get to have a tantrum..... Maybe I should have more or something.... maybe my expectations are too high.

Where is all the new wine.