4am...

ya... this is what I get for going to bed at 10 and then waking up at midnight.

Don't engage the crazy.... Ya... the story of my life.

the last two days on the bike, i've been very cold....

I quit on monday before I even got the cleats on.... "Fuck this.... it's God damn Cold!!!!"

Lowered my seat... which was impressive. I changed shoes last season, I think that is the difference. But what it has shown is that my Seat position was just a tad high.

But... I can usually stand sub 50 degree temperatures... but right now... I just can't stand it. maybe it was southern utah, maybe it is just that i'm ready for spring. No idea... but I just don't seem to want to be cold.

Embracing uncertainty.....

When last we checked in on our superhero.......

Where the hell was I.... Things were strange... things are still strange. I'm still contemplating my future. I need to do something with it. I have 3 options, some random dude I met said "Do all three".... ya, I think that gets dangerously close to indecision.

Speaking of indecision, I swore I was doing HOTN. Then since my lame Achilles problem and other odd things going on. Which included, one long stressful week at work. Training has sucked. I feel like I pushed it a little hard on my birthday and have paid for it. One would think I would be thrilled to get the extra hours, but my knob boss screwed me out of much of the benefit.

That conversation went like this.

"We want you to X"

"Ok, but that will require Y"

"Well, no we don't want to give you Y"

"Then I don't want to do X"

"We still want you to do X. We really appreciate you stepping up for the company."

"I'll do it, but don't bother asking again."

It's funny how i'm stepping up for the company, yet somehow they won't step up for me.

So.... Long week, long weekend.... After getting a little ride in yesterday, I said, "why the hell not ride HOTN". Who knows what the hell i'm doing with my training.... Who knows what the hell i'm doing with my life.

So.... Uncertainty... Seems like for the past few weeks, i've been digging the uncertainty. Ok, digging may be a strong word. How about.... embracing. It kind of feels like the first time you start swimming or riding a bike. There is something wrong with there not being something hard under your feet. It seems like I'm getting used to it.

If you ask some, the thing is we are all traveling in a cloud of uncertainty. It's only an illusion that of certainty.

but I certainly need to get some focus going. Get some direction.

I don't know... maybe that is the joy of the uncertainty.....

Mid-Day update

I had numerous strange dreams, last night. I think my mind is trying to sort everything out. I'm dying to know what it figures out. I just started riding again. physicaly, I feel like a lump of poo. I need to keep ice on my achillies and it is hard to fit that in.

I was also not working saturdays, for about 3 days, now I am again. I'm coping with work, by eating bad food and soda. I actually don't know why I hate it. Maybe I need to slow down and not worry about it so much.

Honestly, besides work I have no idea what i've been doing over the past few day. I've spent most the day with my head in my hands, sitting here at my desk.

Odd dream

I think, I finally caught up on my rest.

I was awoken by the strangest dream. I was in the hospital. I don't know if I had cancer, or if I was being tested. There was some vagueness as to why I was there, you know how dreams are.

I'm a huge fan of asking myself "What is the universe saying to me, where does it want me to be.". Seems like sometimes my dreams give me some idea of what where what and how things are bothering me. Well, this dream didn't. One of my "internet super friends" one I've never 'really' met, a male one was there, somehow. In the dream it seemed like such a good friendship. Somehow I think I could use more good friendships.

Here is the thing, for some reason right now, it seems like the universe is in flux. Somehow.... usually when I reach into the belly of the cosmic vibe.... Reach into the deep knot of the cosmic strings... Usually I can get a feel for where i'm supposed to be going, and what i'm supposed to do. I don't have that right now. I think I was talking to someone and I said, 'it's like i'm at a fork in the road. Many Forked road.' . It seems very strange. I don't know what the hell to do about it.

Somehow i'm a bit overwhelmed. My intent was to race HOTN. In the past 5 days, I've gone from a light work week, to a heavy one. I think that the boss, who is a knob, realized what good work I was doing. Suddenly I have a ton more hours. All of this interfering with my training and my life. I mentioned previously having a hard day. Many years ago I worked some 24 hour days. When you went home, it took 2 days to recover. I actually feel like I just woke up from my haze from a miserable shift. But that was just Monday... and here it is Wednesday. I sometimes wish I was one of those half assers who wander about clueless and able to just go home not realizing what a shit job I was doing.

I'm not sure reading Facebook late at night and dinking around .... Not sure that is it.

on Myth and meltdowns

.... Start in the middle, work my way out.

I had a tough day at work monday, it is still haunting me. I like to think i'm very good at what i'm doing. Of course self doubt kicks my ass from any real self confidence. Ugh....

Seems like spring has sprung... though my greenhouse doesn't show it. With it, brings melt down season. The usual pattern is that most of us go into a manic state through may. Then there is a bit of a large scale meltdown. Sort of a, "the crops have been planted, now it's time to fall down.".

But.... I've got a few of the mop friends who are having a bit thing, including me. Work was ugly yesterday, like I said it still haunts me. I'm getting tempted to become a financial advisor. It seems like a horrible idea. Yet I sort of love the idea. Point was, yesterday was ugly... and it sort of spiraled into a small scale melt down. BTW I think that makes 5 for the year. I must be pushing things much too hard.... Leaping into that uncertainty.... just a little more... unsteady than I'd like. Pushing things a little harder than ever.

I remember last year... Allonz-y. There was only a little bit of chaos. This year feels like things are much harder.

I think .... you know.... middle work my way out. I just, want to send everyone some good Mojo!! you are all very great, I've got your back..... Let me know what I can do. I of course may have to start taking appointments. I love you all.....

I have a friend who has sent me some of the lamest messages for the past month... This isn't the ex... but I just get some of the stupidest lamest e-mails from this person. Just stuff that is rude and nasty. Then I think this person doesn't realize how it keeps pushing me away. Some people run this odd reverse thinking, where somehow they think conflict is the way to grow together.

hmmm.... well this post may or may not be going anywhere.... but I guess it's finished.

Oh good... back to it

My sleep was ... well I managed to go to bed by 1am the whole time on vacation. Beer was required. I drank more in the past 3 days than I have in 2 years probably that would be the total sum beer in the past 2 years.

I'm actually not sure this is true, I'd just like to think it is. I'm not an alcoholic, I think it's just been a rough winter. My birthday was Sunday, it was as good a birthday as I've had. I remember a birthday that was very nice, 15 years ago. Then suddenly my Ex thought I had gone to the strip club the weekend before, because I made a joke about it. The result was 3 hours of fighting. P.S. My ex... and most of my GF's have always been more attractive than most Strippers i've ever seen.

Ok, when I sat down here my intent was to talk about my love of Julie Holmes. Many years ago, Julie and I were just sort of flirting, usual sort of stuff. I exchanged some e-mail with her. She then asked me later if I had told anyone some of the stuff that we had written in that e-mail. I told her no. Many of the secrets that people tell me.... and trust me, I have a few. I think it's the blog, and its so raw and honest, people have a tendency to want to reciprocate, it's natural. Also something maybe about me, somehow they open up to me. I've never ever wanted anyone who told me something honest or in confidence to feel like that would ever be violated. So... I would never tell a person, anything that anyone has shared.

I find out that one of her "Stalkers" and julie has a few. She tends to have them moving in and out like a revolving door, around her. Well, she told me about it. you know, I have a super hero esque persona... I call myself an Anti-super hero, which is a super hero who is forced into his roll by circumstance. There is a movie called "Hero" with Dustin Hoffman. He is a classic anti-hero. Julie tells me something, which throws a Huge Red Flag at me about what is happening. Up to this point I had never called any one of the readers of this blog. Well I hopped right on the phone and called her.

she said, "Why?"

I told her "Julie, this is a safety issue. The blog is stupid. You need to be safe. You haven't told anyone about this, and I need to make sure you are safe."

using my mop powers, and ... well, shit like this doesn't live in the light of day. Once I told the person that I knew. They backed off. Crazy doesn't like to have people know that they are crazy.

But.... so began Julie and my Love affair. Everybody likes a good rescue...... Except for me.... Ever since... it's been a quarterly phone call, just to catch up on each others dysfunctional relationships, each of us hoping that the other will find real love. She has asked me a few times, Why don't we date? I just reply.... You scare the shit out of me... or some such nonsense. But... on my birthday, When the day before she gave me a solid HTFU, or Nut Up! I needed that solid swift kick in the ass. I then told her how great she was.... she then yelled at me... said "Why don't you fucking call me" Sure enough, there was julie on the phone on my birthday. The two of us gabbing like a couple of girls. Neither of us able to get a word in.

Her saying stuff like "you know you dork... Your posts are getting darker and darker... you know that!" I said, "Ya, that is because this thing has finally become nasty. The current Ex finally has made me dislike her. Which i'm sure is what her defenses were trying to make happen. Trying to make me into the bad guy."

on that side note.... ya.... she wins.... Now get out of my life... She wins a ticket home. I hope that is what she wanted?

Well, I always talk about "the mop's super friends"... and how they come up for me "large"... Super man has the kryptonite around his neck... and they show up and pull off said kryptonite.... to let me fight on another day. It's just one of those times where .... I just have to say that I love Julie Holmes. and some of my other superfriends who stepped and have stepped up for me "Large"

P.S. I still don't think we are going to date.

If asked why... I'd just reply... "I just don't get the feeling it is what the universe wants us to do"

Of course... I could be the George Costanza of dating....

Close to the bone

Playing it very close to the bone yesterday. I fell asleep then woke up a few hours late for some reason. Can't sleep now so..... here I am.

I told myself that on this trip I was going to ask myself a ton of questions. I think I was sure I couldn't avoid it.

In the words of T.C. McQueen:

"Ask, and answer; who am I? and what is the point?"

As I was finishing my ride. The squirrels that talk to me, and run around in my head. Well... dehydrated and warn out.... it said "you may just have to face the fact you are unlovable".

easy....

Out of this, I realized that through this "Relationship" Suddenly.... Through this horror show i've been a part of for the past Year now. Well, suddenly here I am..... Feeling worthless. I let her ... have me feel worthless, and unloved And that is over....

I'm not in a relationship to feel bad... One would hope that they build you up. There is a whole world of people out there, ready to make you feel bad.

I think... and I could be completely out of left field, I suspect the thing is to have people close to you make you feel good. Some call me crazy..... all this obvious stuff like wanting people around me who make me feel good, and realizing that people who want to be around you actually like you.

Time to face the fact that she is a hurtful person... and it is time to cut her loose.

I'm a little surprised this is what the universe at this point decided to point out to my stupid ass.

I also may be back in that thing where I won't date or meet any new people who know about the blog.... I don't know... More thoughts.

It's honestly too much for one weekend.....

Ok....

This is the Lizard fingers pizza kitchen or some such horseshit... stone fired pizza or some god awful thing. Be warned, I was not in a good mood when I got there.

First I asked, Of all the pizza's on the menu... which is the best...

he replied, "they are all good" *strike one* this translated is... Just buy one asshole, stop asking questions.

Second try, "which would you order?"

he said, "well I like the pepperoni with sausage"

me, "But that isn't on the menue... why am I making my own pizza? I can do that at home"

him, "the special thing is the crust."

me, "ok..... I get it"*this is me giving up* I should have walked out.
It was ok, even good. but I felt like they were going for "fudruckers" or maybe it was "pizza factory"

Off to drink a few more beers before I think abut my birthday any more.

Woman...

Lots of woman trouble in my life.... I guess it's a good thing. I'm not sure if she still reads. One woman, said "how can you let go so easily. You can just up and move on"...

A friend of mine was sort of jerked around by this woman, a few months ago. She did something Indirect... something passively cruel... something inappropriate.... I said to him, "sure you thought she was nice, but now she showed you her true colors. You don't like to be treated like that. You also don't treat people like that. You don't want anyone who treats you or even other people like that. She made her choice. Now make her live with it. "

I'm sure over time i'll come up with some stupid idiom that will cover this. The jist of it is... if you want me around.... I'd suggest you treat me like you want me around.

There was a moment, in the past few days, where as part of the conflict between me and the ex. She suggested that I was mean when I got upset when she wouldn't show up. I told her... when you didn't show up..... I tended to think that you didn't want to be with me.

Showing up = wanting to be with someone. If "no show up" = Not wanting to be with someone. This isn't rocket science..... we make time for the things that are important to us.... why? because they are important.....

anything else is convoluted mental horseshit... as far as i'm concerned... play those games in your own head. I have a life to lead.

This was my first climb

This goes out of LaVerkin and goes to the freeway. It's probably no more than a thousand feet. Back when I started biking, I rode a mountain bike for a while, and did 60 miles on it in one day coming to the end of the season. I decided it was time for a road bike. I pulled off 30-40 miles on the road bike. Once I adjusted to the new physical aspects for a few weeks. I signed up for a century. I went to school down here in the 90's, Foolishly I said to myself "St. George is flat, it will be fine" Well.... St. George is Rollers.... I blew up by mile 10... I had a nice time with the "spin class woman" at the back of the century... which honestly is the best place to be in a century.

This climb, which I suffered on that year... and I remember bonking and just being blown the whole ride up... it felt like it went on forever. BTW I did it in my 39 this time. I remember breaking a sweat. Strange though, i'm maybe 15 lbs lighter... but much fitter.

after you hit the freeway you go to a reservoir.

I don't even but barely remember the reservoir... I remember it being there... but... I must have been blind with pain. At this point on my ride it was 30 miles... 2 water bottles... that was it. I had a scone and a triple latte for breakfast. I managed some refill on my bottles.... I remember that century, I remember hording water like ... well like I wouldn't ever find anymore... and showing up to refill at the stations and having near full bottles. Drinking one before refilling it. At the end there was another climb.



At one point today, I saw some triathletes.. I'm telling you....Why do I find them Creepy? Above is my roadrunner anti theft protection.... I needed a huge feed. Somehow I had to get back up to zion... it was not going to be easy.....

Tired....

Seriously, it was one of those days on the bike when .... seriously.... that dark fatigued side of me said... "Just give it up.... You can't be loved".... "stop waisting your time"

ya... really tired.....

Maybe I'll blog more later...

Classic insomnia

This is the classic version. Lights and noise bothering me. A friend was talking about their trouble sleeping. Jesus ... these chairs inside the room are like chairs you find in Vegas. only less comfortable.... i'm not sure that is possible... But rustic here in the Pioneer lodge in springdale. Somebody is going to get the feeling I don't like it here. Ok... classic insomnia... I figure if I blog it will go away... or it gives me something to do. At home I can watch a movie or something. But there is no joy here.
hmmmm... WTF did I want to write. Honestly I haven't managed a consistent 8 hours since the age of 12. There are times when I can get 8-9 hours every night... but it requires active riding.

oh.... the plants need dusting...

On the Road Again.

Last verse same as the first.


I like to think That I'm making some progress in my life. I was joking today about my life as Jack Kerouac... which may be closer to the truth than I'm comfortable with. I haven't packed for a trip in quite some time, i'm out of practice. On the road, i'm a huge fan of drafting. With gas prices where they are, seems like getting there the cheapest is where it's at. I went to Dixie for a quarter, and did this drive a few times in a VW bug. speed limits may have been as low as 55 back then. I managed one ticket for 75... in someone elses car... see the bug only did 70 when drafting. and struggled with 60.... That car caught on fire one day, but that is a different story.

It was a funny story of driving... the psychology of driving people trying to go slow enough to not get a ticket... but fast enough to get to their destination. Some people leading at some cautious speed. 10 or 15 mph over the limit. I saw over 10 police cars... years ago, i'd probably only see two or three. The guy below did 85 the whole time. he freaked out a few times when quite the little pack decided to follow him. Just some old guy with a couple crusers. I'm sure riding snow canyon or something in St George. I like to guess the destinations of cyclists as I drive... Imagine where and how they ride.

You know us bike nerds.... not only is there a shit load of clothing, but a shitload of bike clothing... and layers and contingencies.... I suspect I need a larger second bag. I'm only here for 3 days, but i'm packed for a week, it seems.

There is a john gierach novel... probably trout bum, he has a mantra; rod reel boots wader flies camera. It's all you need. ok, i'll face it it's like that only has a better ring to it. This went through my head as I packed. 4 types of skin lotion, Power aid, protein powder, half a gallon of apple juice,toothbrush, toothpaist, hair conditioner, hair jell, hair spray, bike... 5 boxes of bike kit, bike stand. 5 jersies 3 short sleeve 2 long sleeve, 3 heavy jerseys, 2 bike jackets... I packed them hoping that if I packed them, I wouldn't need them. Then let us talk about 5 pair pants 3 t-shirts 3 nice shirts... 5 heavy shirts... oh... and then the electronics 2 cameras 1 mp3... mp3 Radio converter. extra sets of batteries... and cables for all. I'm exhausted just thinking about it again.

None of this would even rate as far as a fear and loathing trip.... HST would be ashamed.... With the exception of the insanity of it all. (3 references to authors this blog post)

Well this is in the virgin river valley.

Very exciting this trip.... I'm staying at a new place. Springdale off season is October-November Till March-April. depending on who you ask. I've been here and November and February are Fucking dead. The first time I went to southern Utah I did a century... my first. I stayed in St George. But the ride went near zion, and I drove up into springdale. Decided This was where I wanted to stay, if I had a choice. The next time I came here, I stayed in hurricain, $40 bucks a night travel-lodge, maybe $37. On that trip I scouted springdale out, fairly heavily. Took notes on the hotels... checked on pricing. Many of them are not listed with the discount travel sites. Expedia... etc. The next time I stayed at the best western... BTW.. the best place i've stayed. I think it was $46 off season. I stayed over presidents day, and did another century. Then I started staying at the BumbleBerry... I think it was $50, but the best western was hit or miss on "Off season" I never found a fair price after that one trip. For the most part hotels will hit you for $100 or try to. Most the hotels are not up to that kind of quality. it's mostly about convenience. Cept ... if I was a family, i'd just stay in st George and drive... I stay here because it's right on a great bike path.. the virgin river valley. There are still a few hotels I want to try... but they are kind of spendy... I think if I stay at them... I'm hoping I'm getting some regular sex as well. I'm just saying, spending $100+ I think some "intimacy" is in order... and i'm a fan of "self love"... but.... You know... my bed at home is kind of nice, for that kind of stuff. Oh... so... I did priceline... I said WTF.. I know the going rate. $65 was what I bid... I'd rather pay $60.

Many years ago... I think it was on my 30'th birthday. A friend of mine said "if it is your birthday, you need to make it special. Don't wait for anyone else to do it for you". This was a very smart woman. This life lesson still pays off. If you want things to be good, or nice.... You are just going to have to make sure you do it for yourself. Well... FYI... My birthday is the 13th. I'm saying it ahead of time. But... Sure... Here I am... Alone... Chances of Getting laid are next to nothing (I probably could have pulled that off in salt lake, if I had so chosen)... But i'm where I want to be... and I want to really kick my own ass for a few days. Big ride tomorrow... see If I can pull nearly a century. Then work in some climbing on sunday. Kick my ass hard... I probably deserve it..... I'll cry.... I'll weep.... I'll Eat.

But this is what I can offer myself.... It's all I can do... But to be honest... it's pretty damn good. It would only be better with company... but if you can't stand your own company... how can you expect anyone else to. I know I didn't give any notice... but y'all are invited.... LOL.

Back to the start of this missive... of course the fact that this blog started with me alone in southern Utah... and that here I am again..... Alone in southern utah... Well... that reality is not lost on me. I may have made some progress... and even some progress getting to know some of my readers.... But that after 4 or 5 years of the blog... that all and all... things are kind of the same... with some upgrades. I think that first southern utah blog post was made from the Travel lodge in Hurricain.(however the fuck you spell that crazy Utah town)...

Last verse, same as the first.

P.S.

I'd expect some more blogging...... throughout the weekend... The bit and spur has a cream brule and some kind of tart and some kind of apple pie... that could be my birthday... I may have all three...

Slaves to Nature

I'm trying not to name names. Friend one said that everyone is interested in Mating right now. This after my comment that two other 'friends' were seemed like they were getting back together. (friends in quotation marks denotes facebook friends.... hypothetical friends.). These are the days of our lives.

I was looking outside, seeing all the new snow. I also looked outside this morning when it was wet, I was glad that I had made my 3 rows of peas, and assorted greens. Smug in my constant reminders to everyone that they needed to get on top of the garden in the past few weeks because there is usually only that window then we suffer another month of snow and rain. I was reminded of a point last year when I needed to do some canning and was told that it didn't fit into someone else's schedule. I reminded them that we are slaves to nature, that the garden dictates what we do. We do not dictate to the garden, our will.

There is obviously a foolish contingent of people who seem to think we can bend nature and subdue it with our will. Not to sound like a Hobbit, or a hippy, but it is best to work with nature in a Tao like bending of the willow against the wind.

As our hormones and our gardens show us in vivid detail, we are all slaves to nature.

The Wheel!!!!

Many years ago I talked about an episode of farscape:

John Crichton: My grandmother used to say that life is a great wheel. Sometimes it grinds you down to the mud, and other times it lifts you up into the light.

Ka D'Argo: Are we strapped to this wheel?

John Crichton: That's a given. The point is, is that most times you get a second chance. You just gotta wait for the wheel.

It's at 50 seconds into this video.

This has been my theme for the past few days/Month. My Yogi Cousin showed me a picture of Samsara. "Continuous flow", the Wheel. The cycle of life. It reminded me.... then the quote was stuck in my head.

There was a time where I thought it was almost a parable for being Bi-polar, Or for the emotional cycles we suffer or Indulge ourselves in with our training blocks, maybe natural bio-rhythms..... and maybe it kind of is.

I have been watching some "Deadwood" there was a quote. "Change calls the tune we all dance to".

For the past few days, my email has been filled with the usual breakup bile. Please don't feel bad for me. I could block her. I could do many things. I just.... it didn't feel right. I know how this works.

Also... for all .... intents and purposes I asked for it. I told her to send me her hate mail. I knew it was coming. I poked at it, like a tiger in a cage with a stick. I also knew she didn't have anyone to talk to about it. Now it has been a few days of messages. I of course am not engaging, I'm just taking it.

It has been days of what an asshole I am. I of course don't understand, if i'm an asshole... why I'm getting e-mail from her. I mean, what is there to gain. I guess some things are not for me to understand.

As an Aside, I did want to mention how great all "The Mop"s super friends have been. One of those times, on almost all fronts that many of you have kept me centered. I've been very thankful and Happy about all of you. It's a far cry from how isolated and withdrawn I was a year ago, when I decided to start "Asking for help" and reaching out to other people besides my usual friends. I've also done a great job of being vulnerable to some of you, and you have responded in kind. I just appreciate my "SuperFriends" One and all. Even those that didn't know and still don't know what they have meant to me over the past few days. Including: "Not my Coach", "not my Tactile Girlfriend", "Cracked Pelvis/Elvis", "J-Radness", "The Jackass who made fun of my Triple", "Woman who Threatened me, if I break someone's heart", "Dupree D.B.A. Medical Woman"... and a long list of troublemakers, Heartbreakers, and long gone Hard-chargers. I'm honored to have you all as my friends, and it's been a long time since I've said thank you to you all.

To get back to my point, Finally tonight "She" started to mello out... Finally got much of it out of her system. Like I've said before, "The process of self help, is within us all" We just have to stop repressing things. Just have to start being vulnerable to the right people. Expressing our pain, instead of feeling like we are Whining or a Cry-baby. To be honest, those are the terms the "Other People" the abusive people use in our lives to, force us to live horribly with the pain that they have their entire lives. Misery loves company. Those miserable Fuckheads.... what you to suffer too.... When honestly "the process of self help is within us all". And "she" feels better. I think I feel better.

And the Wheel has Turned.......... Like John says "Wait for the Wheel". Many of us Fear change, I think that is a mistake, we should fear being mired down in the same Muck and Grime. We should fear stagnation. We should enjoy the change. Take pleasure in the change, pleasure in the wheel.

Wait for the wheel...... Change is the music we all dance to.