Shoot me!

3am to 6 am.... woke up. That is the trouble with going to bed early. 10pm

Now... Jack myself full of coffee all day and spend most of it spinning my wheels.

or.... take a long nap this morning...

No Joy....

If I could I would drink Gin and eat Pizza all day... Which I probably could do...

Gin and pizza do not mix BTW.

Where did the motivation go?

   Here I sit. I did some accounting for someone today. I did some reading. I cleaned the snow.

   The second big cup of coffee sits here. I'm trying not to watch what is so far the worst movie ever. How is it possible that netflix can manage to weed out any decent movie... None the less.

  It's cold, The rollers are not setup I need to spend a few hours figuring out the problems... all just in time for  me to decide I don't want to ride inside... ever... I mean Who does?

   Sitting here, I ask "Where did all my motivation go?" I remember spending a winter eating soup, staying fit. I remember a winter going out every chance I could, on my bike. I remember a winter going over to my girlfriends house. I remember a winter drinking and eating wings and still making it on the bike and spin class.

Here I sit. Freezer filled with frozen pizza(don't ask, or I may give you some). I want to stay in bed and read all day.... If that doesn't work.... Gin. I have piles of projects I don't want to do....

I sometimes ask, what does the universe want from me.... where is it pushing me.... The fucker is in limbo.... I have never felt so Untethered, untethered to the universe... maybe that is a good thing.

But where is that motivation......

Maybe I don't love the universe anymore.... and maybe that is why it isn't loving me back..... Fucker!!! ;-)


 

rino

Some nights I feel like a Rino... not a republican in name only. I fell like it keeps taking shots of gin to put down the rino. Each time the tranquilizer is shot, The hope is that this time it will do it.

unseen irrational drunkeness

I believe we think differently here in the U.S. . I sometimes think that somehow in a Mass psychosis kind of way. We just think so strangely. Reject rational thought, Reject ...  I suspect... and 

obviously my next unwritten doctoral thesis will be on this... maybe the exploitation of "higher forces" ie government, capitalism, The unseen manipulations by the upper classes. 

We are so exploited... that it makes us paranoid, rightfully so since we don't seem to know where it's coming from. Everyone seems to blame one conspiracy after another as we metaphorically shoot at every random noise, in a dark room. Still shaking trembling in the dark of our own minds.

I just wonder if we think differently, as if we are having a reasonable response to an unreasonable world... somehow the unknown side effect is buying some shitty gun and sitting in the basement cleaning it, trying to pretend we can control it, this world. ..... Only to realize... it has all just been another trick to convince us to consume... this time a gun

It just seems so hard sometimes for us to see the majesty and beauty of our fellow man. Piles of people who surround us every day... who would help us if asked. 

but... I'm kind of drunk.

If I was a deadly sin....

I would be sloth. Not that I would choose that.... that is just where I am.

¹⁶ There are six things the Lord hates,
    seven that are detestable to him:
¹⁷         haughty eyes,
        a lying tongue,
        hands that shed innocent blood,
¹⁸         a heart that devises wicked schemes,
        feet that are quick to rush into evil,
¹⁹         a false witness who pours out lies
        and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.

Funny, it's hard to even find the verses that refer to sloth. Like many biblical things... they always seem a little vague.

I set up the rollers, got on them and I have a technical problem. I should correct it, that is the thing about the sloth... you don't feel like it.

There is another blog... I wish this was as good as weight loss and days in spin class.... Maybe I should just do 7 days of spin class.

wtf... Great post.....

Vive La K19

I had a ... I went to a movie with a friend today, a female friend. I think I had to ask her to not act out in the theater twice. "Inside voice". I guess I know when someone likes me, since she spent the whole time agreeing with me, even when I was disagreeing with her. *sigh*

   One of the most un-watchable movies in the world is K-19. 12 actors in a Submarine all with Russian accents. Ok, they wouldn't have accents. They would be speaking Russian. The real complaint is that 8 of the 12 actors can't act, and acting with German accents makes the whole thing worse. Then those that can act , manage to struggle most the time with the accents, detracting from their performances  AND THEY SHOULD BE SPEAKING RUSSIAN. Just let them speak English with their normal voice.

    There we are in the movie. She says "they had English accents and they were in France . as kindly as I could I mentioned the K19 argument and that they probably should have been speaking french. She then agreed with me and said how annoying it is when they speak with accents in the country the show should be happening, which should only be happening if they are speaking to someone from England or america as though they are speaking in English  Yet, of course don't drop in and out of some effing french accent. Thank god she agreed with me.... after I corrected her.

   Ugh... dating sucks.... I'm really in a "I'm not dating" thing. I'd rather be drawn and quartered.

I love cancer!!!

Strictly speaking Oprah I'm full of shit. But am Lying now? 

You know the Nazis did some really good stuff for Science.

This bullshit about how he is going to help knock off the other corrupt people in cycling. 

I have said this before.

 What do you tell your kid, when he is caught cheating. 

They tell you, "Well Lance cheated and made millions, had sex with starlets and rockstars,

 he is way cooler than you. Why shouldn't I cheat?"

This is why lance should metaphorically, hang from the nearest yardarm. Find himself hooked on crack and robbing a blockbuster. It's a fate much better people have found for themselves. I didn't watch it, It doesn't bode well for my emotional stability, and maybe I can give myself a pass right now. I'm not joking about this, I saw about 3 seconds, precisely 3 seconds of it, not hyperbole. I wanted to kick something so hard. If I had watched it, my T.V. Would have been in jeopardy. I'm serious here, There would have been a good chance I would have kicked it in.

Stay tuned for his next book "Lying Cheater 1.0". (I resist here pointing out the 1.0, which suggests that there will be a '2.0'. i.e 'Comeback 2.0' )

Notes from the asylum .

Gin and tonic

Now I'm getting sloppy. You don't even want to know what I ate. I'm hoping for some literary genius. If only I can type.

I would shoot heroine right now If I had any...... I wonder if that were true. My drunk-fu is stronger than yours. Well so much for genius....

I had fantasies of posts of "The bringing down of the veil of illusion"  "... the freedom from the shackles of Illusion" "how much I hate daytime talk radio"

Where is all the new wine.....

There it sits.

It's sitting here, it's on my desk, Australian open playing... My infamous self medication. Oh! ryan will be disappointed  I imagine some kind of self righteous.... bible-straight edger thing.

What I'm hoping is that it will put me to sleep, that it will alleviate all the things going through my head. That it will help me escape before 4am.

First drink:
 Icy cold and followed with an olive. This martini is not 'dirty' which is what it is when a martini has  some olive brine in it. The brine is a salty olive flavor. I eat an olive followed by a second draw on the elixir. Tennis is still tied, on serve. 

Second Pull:
I examine the glass, try and assess the layers and the remaining olives. One must finish with an olive in ones mouth. For some reason my mouth is dry, I'm not drinking enough water.... I'm not doing enough of quiet a few things.... I'm just trying to get through. Oh.... quite lovely... the burning taste of alcohol  They say a good martini should taste like drinking a cloud, at 80 proof it's hard to not taste some of that burn from alcohol.

Third pull:
My body is starting to relax. I hadn't noticed some of the muscles in my back have been tense. Those have released. oh, I think Serena is up a break. It's going to be time for an olive. I'm hungry, unfortunately vermouth is an aperitif, which stimulates hunger. I wish I had something amazing to eat, funny because ESPN has Mcdonalds commercials on... funny for the tennis crowd... they are usually health nuts.

What to eat.... What to eat.... oops first set lost 6-2 or won for serena I have never been a serena fan. It's not an ethnic thing. Heck, I like Venus more than Serena. hmmm.... Wish I could head to the store....

finishing: at the bottom of the martini glass it's tapered, 2 olives remain and a little over an ounce of liquid. I'm getting a little foggy in the head..... Yippeee. Well that was it... much of it was had with the first olive now the final olive lingers in my mouth........

I want sushi..... and a little love.
Serena is up 3-0 in the second.... this isn't going to go well for her opponent.

Where is all the new wine....

   Sitting down to write. I may only have a journal entry here. I know it's lame.

7 readers right now. I know I don't have much to say. Australian open is on. These are the good matches. Most tennis tournaments are best at the end of the first week, Round of 16, final 8. After that it's like waiting for a prize fight. Lots of build up for an anti-climax.

I saw about 10 minutes of Amish Mafia. Seriously, it's like watching school kids beat on each other. They should hang with the cast of Honey BoBo.

I'm struggling with my anger right now. I think I'm not holding it in. I'm just struggling with it. Maybe I keep trying to hold it in, and I keep letting it out.... but I'm not enjoying the process. I could give you a list of things I"m angry at:

• People who say crazy shit. I wish I could explain that.... People who say things like "If I eat it makes me hungry" Or "that john stuart isn't funny, the only reason he stays on TV are all the people who laugh at him"
• I'm sick of not making big money. I don't get why I'm not really bringing it in. I'm tired of working hard so that other people can, and I am not.
• I think I'm also angry at myself for my continued inability to find a healthy relationship. "oh, it's just around the corner.... " no it's not. I think my tolerance for nonsense is even lower than it's ever been. I don't think that makes my willingness to spend much time "a courting"
• I even hate the anger thing right now. Sit around and be angry. I'm starting to get impulses to at least ... I just need to get out everyday.... Need to ....(sounds like cabin fever)

Well, in times of fascinating written word this isn't it. I'm tempted to self medicate with a martini or two..... of course that could unleash the Kracken.

Late rant

For all 5 readers,(my analytics don't work so I only have rough data on blog viewership), I am again hoping to write up something special. Please forgive this quick aside. It's how I process.

   I think I have to assume that I'm fairly smart. I don't mean to show my ass, for those that might affirm that notion and the hubris attached to the previous statement. I never feel that way. I see lance and other various successful Lying thieves and I sometimes get that notion that obviously I need to sell out, obviously I need to just give up being moral and Sleep with the zombies, so to speak. Obviously, I'm just one of the suckers who the liars and thieves exploit. Of course I understand what it is to sell out, and what it is to become one of the broken. One of the pilgrims on the Road Most Traveled. Sometimes I feel like an idiot, and I struggle :)

   I have been working on my skills at Rhetoric. I think I'm getting close to going pro. I'm enjoying engaging in various banter. For those on my facebook, You ain't seen nothing. For the most part all you get are the more refined arguments. I'm also much nicer. The point I'm getting to is more that I don't argue much on facebook, my bloodsport is on Google Pluss. Part of this work is to try and get better at writing longer essays, which is what I'm doing now. Again pardon the First person direct assault on your brain. This gets like a journal entry.

   There was a piece I wanted to do about the Joy of self love..... I think at this point I will spare you.

   4am.... part of the problem here is that The australian open is running. I have no chance of a normal sleep schedual... Federer is getting old, I'm just happy that he will make it to the second week. And that fucking roddick, 2 years ago Wimbledon final, last year he retires.... what a baby. Ok, maybe it was 3 or 4 years.

Semper infidelium

Uncomfortable in all positions

For some reason I just haven't been able to get comfortable. I toss and turn in bed. Unable to find that physical balance, that comfortable equilibrium that rest offers.

This sounds stupid, I feel on the edge of writing some very good things. I need to practice my art, fine tune it so as to have it be less scattered. I think my art will follow some of my technical skills, Less finesse more mathematical symmetry, fighting the inherently scattered brain.

I've been enjoying some reading, enjoying some rhetoric. Subjects of religion, politics, psychology. Many scattered uncomfortable thoughts on all subjects. Now if only I can equate them into some kind of coherent thesis.

Simple yet elegant....

An attempt at style

I have been writing more. Here I am in full first person. I have an idea for a post but it's simple and I need to apply some style to it.

I've decided over the next 4 months to focus on myself, to try and get a healthier support system. I need to do some self love. That sounds nice.... beyond the obvious and base concept.

I'm shaking demons these days, some of it from the flu some of it from .... the proverbial bottoming out and cocoon from which springs the butterfly. I've been watching some Criminal intent, I'll avoid the fun allusion to the Great Red dragon of Thomas Harris fame.

These have been dark days, but much of my gin addiction is gone.... Though I do have a strange desire to replace it with a NyQuil/Robutussin addiction..... I'll resist feeding that monkey, though it would be fun for the blog... I'm not sure it leads to a healthy place. ... No matter how amusing I would find it.