Update

   I haven't written enough recently.

  How can you let your kid have helmet hair like that. Poor child actors. I guess that isn't entirely fair. Regardless of success they should receive enough money for a college education. With rampant poverty across the globe "Poor child actors" seems .... Like a super 1st world problem.

Well, This was by far more than I had intended to write. Just jotting down what went through my head. I'm lamenting the last 2 seasons of West Wing. They bring up 8 is enough. said the mom was hot. Reminded me that A. the mom died in the first season, actress died of breast cancer Was dating John Travolta....BTW seems like Travolta went of momie figures... CREEPY! In the west wing they talk about the mom not knowing anything about birth control. Again, the "Mom" on the show was not the mom of the 8 kids. Also... How the hell was it believable that dick van Patton dated those two. We really are stupid. 

Writing ideas

Ideas use to come to me. They don't seem to anymore. I had a few ideas but they are fleeting. There were Two yesterday I didn't manage to retain them. I sit here and hope to grasp onto one of them. I remember trying to remember to remember for quite some time.
   Sometimes if feels like they weren't meant to be, but it is just a memory thing.

now I sit to write and ... this is all I have.... why keep going.

Quasimodo....

Exhausted.... I woke up too early. There wasn't enough coffee in the world today.

Somebody called me brilliant....I like the sound of that, little do they know....

I honestly didn't think I could feel like more of a dork... The past few weeks I have really felt like a dork. Some of it is just from getting older. It's one of those things where I wake up and look in the mirror, my hair is long and sticking up and I feel like a baboons bum. The other day I woke up constipated and my back hurt, I wandered around like Quasimodo.... I think I even added various grunts and groans.

Writing

  I sat down and watched "Flight" which was honestly an impressive movie. I have never had a movie make me want to both Drink so much, and Not drink. All at the same time. There was a point in the movie, which I didn't finish where I swear, I wanted the guy to find god so badly. I have never wanted a person to find god in my life. Yet, there I am thinking that 'finding god' is going to be his only salvation. Not saying there is a god. Just saying that 'finding god' was going to be his only way out. Not out of trouble, but out of the downward spiral his life was in.

Speaking of which. I keep wanting to work on my writing. I kind of think it may loosen me up to have a drink first. Yet....

I swear I had an idea earlier.... and now it has slipped my mind.

I wish...

   I wish I could tell you what it is like to be up at 2am and be irritated by something I can do nothing about. I mean that is what it is about. My brain wants to solve the unsolvable. So here I sit.

Truth is if I worked on more stuff... i'd probably be less worried about it.

Here I sit.... Like always... Please please let sleep take me.....

Where is the dog?

I'm just going to write and .... do some shit. I went for a little bike ride today and I didn't shower. I need to shower.... I'm hoping it will get me to sleep. I'm also hoping to tell some funny stories about my bike ride today.

Ok, took a shower... hoping this helps. I've had such a miserable time putting any thoughts together. My desire for some Gin was ... solid tonight. I'd love to just be put to sleep, Won't work... I could drink 5 shots of gin, i'd sleep 2 hours and wake up hung over. Else 3 shots of gin and just be drunk until 3am.

My massive case of the fuggets continues. seems like a sort of midlife crisis.... I'd bet that is the truth of my current horror. Midlife.... WTF ... like I haven't even lived my life yet.... and early onset midlife crisis....

Fucking fun.

So I went out and rode my bike, I just wanted to get out. I managed 4 miles. I just logged into strava to find out people threw down big miles today... like 80.... Oh ya... let me put my 5 miles in ... that feels good. I'm not sure strava is helping.... Oh... Fucking Sly has more miles that I do, this weekend.... Nice, I can hate myself just a little more.

So, I am out there. I woke up feeling like a troll and my back had me walking like one. On my way back, there is this nice group of Moms dads and kids.... So, had to drop them.... Nice to put the screws to yourself dropping a guy with a hoodie and a kid trailer with a 30 speed from Wallmart.... Super proud.

Well at least I wasn't the guy drafting off of him.

mire and club

   Not sure.... My blog doesn't seem to provide the relief it use to... I almost wrote used to.... it's always looked strange.... the ol' utah upbringing..... use to. Much more elegant... and I would hope grammatically correct...

    I had the worst indigestion this morning. Somehow eating something right now seems to sooth whatever it is.... my tendency to find new ways to cope are impressive. I guess they are for all people.
    Who knows what I ate... it involved tuna.

12:30 I'm still awake. I woke up at 7am. My head continues to be a ...... mire.

if anything could put me to sleep.... maybe a club...

Spring Tired....

   I don't know what I did all day.... It involved coffee, work, a bike ride and way too much corned beef. Corned been in spring is my Kryptonite. Mashed potatoes with horseradish. My heart almost stopped.... and there is still more.

I'm reading a book from a defector from the Westborough baptist church, It's an easy read.... slow like a biography....Why do I need to know about your grandfather.... fortunately it's only about a page.

I want to..... get some good sleep....

old shoe

No updates from the diary.

ok.... I tried....

I managed the infamous get up at 7am, then decide to turn the heat on the bed and fall back into blissful slumber. There is something about heat below you.... it kind of makes you want to sink deeper into bed.

Feels like a rest day. you know 45 miles in 3 days.... hang onto your hat...

Old Shoe McGoo

I had some stories I would be better off sharing with you. But....

I managed some cleaning and laundry folding. Wow... all the cycling clothing is organized. It will help to get me out the door instead of a 20 min search for gloves. Of course that still leaves the 40 minutes of procrastination.
   You know... Just feel like old shoe McGoo. Getting older, starting to look and feel like my grandmother.

Well.... it's going to be a couple of days. How if I just say fuck it and sort my socks again.

Was trying to find out about New Age Magical philosophies of Russian mystics...

Nothing like waking up un-refreshed

   I like a mello morning. Nothing like getting up and feeling like i'm on the run. It really does feel like spring out there. And I feel like an old shoe.

   I like daylight savings, more time in the sun after work. I'm getting out on the bike. It's the big rides that make the little ones seem easy. 

   I miss feeling like a worn out super hero. I think I'm getting some rest, some real relaxation. Real rest...

I had a longer post.... I'd like to see some bigger ideas develop for posts.

Neck hurts.

Joy, isn't it how it is. I did manage some sleep yesterday. I'm going to bed early. Spring is springing.... What a hideous 6  months. At some point I expect a reprieve... I'm not getting it. New drama has tried to enter my life......
I should just avoid it. I'm sure I'll somehow decide to be an idiot.

In other news, I know something about tomorrow....

How if I just mention it without saying it.....

Seven Raider

Dear Diary,

   Well, it's my blog and I'll do what I want. I understand it's boring to hear about my sleep and insomnia. I get that. It's this or nothing. I'm trying to write more, so this is what you get. I went to bed early, then woke up at 2am, with nightmares. Sort of this weird snowy day, traveling in the ice and snow. Cafe and I was wandering around with Jerry Ryan or Angelina Jolie... funny how somehow the two are similar in my mind. That is something about my dreams, not sure about yours. One person can become another. It probably wasn't one or the other, it was probably both.

  Well, here I am up at 2am.

epic case

I have a wicked case of the fug'ets, Dear Diary.

It's cold, I don't want to ride my bike, well I did... but what I don't want to do is put on a ton of clothing to do so....

How do I get a doughnut.

Cain

   My instincts say, "You should walk the earth like Cain". Somehow I can walk the earth on some quest. I'd ask what my intent was. I think I need to think on that one.

.......
I said today that my inner 3 year old seems to need feeding. It keeps going "I don'wana", and I keep listening.

1:30 am

Sleep isn't happening. Worse things have happened. This is the kind of evening I wish I had drunk a little gin, assuming I had slept. I even managed a few miles by bike. By the time I finish writing this it will be 2am....
What was a Going to write....
  Things have been very crazy this week. I like to call it spring mania.Times like this, you are not sure if it's just you that is being crazy or everyone. Most likely it's everyone, but I'm really trying to "be the change that I want to see" so, I'm trying to whip out the zen. I'm super haunted right now.. by literally everything. The best part is There is a new emotion going on in my head. This one isn't particularly healthy. I think My subconsciousness just gave me the answer, but I'm going to have to ruminate on it. Going to have to do some thinking and meditating on it. It's wild when the mind plays this game, you have a craving for something... You don't know why. Then when you feed that craving... you realize ... OH! I knew this answer all along. I knew this, I'd seen it before... in this book or in this movie.....

The mind is strange....

Wow! actually I was just looking at this training block 80 miles which is twice what I thought I had.

Where is that Zen!!!

   I have been working on recovering some of my zen. I think it's the nature of it that you ask, Did I ever have any? or was I just being a quiet baboon.

   Well.... Trying to get that going. Those are some martini...

Sleep and dreams

Something is just not right with my sleep. Every once in a while my dreams are ok, but most of the time they are disturbing. It's all dead uncles who died many years ago. If I could identify the pattern I might identify and what I can do in my life to rectify it.

till then

Something

I wanted to write something today. I am not psyched to write about my sleep... to the rejoicing of whatever audience I have.  I'm up to 4-6 readers. That is something. Spring has sprung.

I am so out of shape, it's embarrassing. Not like the embarrassment helps. Just makes me feel less like working out. The other part.... I just know the pummeling I need to give myself. I think I have also decided that maybe I'll do better if I take more rest.
Take 2 good rest days a week, and some more mello rides.

you know.... something.

Last and final update on sleep

Here is the last update. Had a final nightmare. My uncle was dying in it, some kind of brain tumor. Fortunately when I woke Up I was relieved to remember he died 6 years ago.

Try three

It's actually morning. I could drink coffee and take a walk and wake up.

No, I"m going to cry about my sleep..Nightmare after nightmare after nightmare. and I even remember them

Ugh... still tired....

Man can not live by internet kitten alone

I think, I'm just saying. I guess in the internet universe the Cat universe is the one not so filled with.... You know, internet memes about corruption.

I had to take a shower. Something stank, and it was coming out of my pores. Wing sauce and beer BTW. Strange I reacted to it. Sometimes in the shower I have moments where I understand the OCD people who can't get clean enough. I had a moment where I wanted to just sit in the shower and have a melt down. I sometimes.wish I could have those moments, it would be cathartic.

Is sleep too much to ask. I put my head down, and I would only ask that it be restful and recuperative.

Now here it is 2 sessions of sleep One of 3-4 hours and a second of 3-4 hours.

Short sleep

I knew it was going to be rough. I struggled getting to sleep. Like knowing an accident was going to happen and not being able to do anything about it. Manifest Nightmare Destiny. Where are my dreams of Puppies and Kittens.

Sure enough, 2-3 hours of sleep and an angry nightmare. Stop being so angry all the time, maybe that will help. Sure.... make water run uphill. Funny, I sleep ok. But then my tv goes off and it leaves me with my own thoughts and dreams.... that is where the trouble comes.

Where are all the puppies and kittens.... Ya, lets try it again, because obviously the second round of sleep won't have anything wrong with it... that never happens. Obviously I have nothing to fear from trying to sleep again. No reason to be afraid that I'll just have more nightmares. Ya.... back to sleep.... easy...

chasing demons

Strange day, I was hoping to write a few paragraphs on it. I'm actually tired and too tired .

I'm feeling like I'm getting centered and balanced again.... but it's still a struggle. Still some struggle and some residual demons coming after me. It's good demons are there to be delt with.... that they are there means I need to deal. but... it's killing my mojo.

Work too hard

I seem to work too hard in my dreams. I keep wondering why I am not getting restful sleep. I think it's more why I don't wake up refreshed. Last night I fixed two cars and argued with 2 auto mechanics. I built a bridge with a shifting breaking base and of course I was on the one that degraded the most.

and those were just the dreams I remember.

Put some time in on the bike, It was sad and it hurt.... I wanted to vomit, I wanted to cry... my leg hurts.... I'm fatigued. I ate but didn't eat.... I felt I deserved a pizza but didn't have it.

ugh... well I work too hard in my dreams.... Wish I got that much done during the day.

Update... I went back to sleep

U-boat captain.... I have to stop dreaming, it's too much work