Turmoil.... and

Giving an update. I want to write good things. These, I know are not it. I do like to try and write.... I want to really express ideas, good ideas. It's a difficult thing, some kind of line between shitting on the page and Developing a craft. I still wonder if this is helpful. I do apologize. I'm sure these posts are ok, and have their moments. They are more an emotional purge than craft. Again, sorry.

Ya, there is some turmoil. Here I am at 11pm I really want to sleep. Not sure why, besides to get some rest. I don't have much on my plate tomorrow. I probably need some rest. How am I going to rest though.... maybe if I just lay down and rest.

Still angry... but kind of over it. I think I have been angry and besides my disappointment  I think I have had my emotion and .... we will see.

Disappointed.... that is the word.

I'm not happy to have ridden with rage today, I'd rather ride with love or with joy. I sort of tried. it was a tough day on the bike. 10mph winds.. I see many of the guys complaining about it. Fuck you ..... you ... fucktards.

Maybe that should be my new mantra.... ride with love or for joy.

This is all I have.

Pummel

I went out and flagellated myself on the bike. Filled with hate right now. Sorry, but this is where I'm getting my emotions out right now. It's not like most the people who read the blog are the people I dislike. To be honest most of you are probably the only people I can stand right now. It's not like I hate you.

  I'm just filled with hate. 3 hours on the bike way out as far as I could stand then back in a 10mph headwind. Soul crushing.... Well, one would hope. My soul is kind of crushed right now.

This reminds me of the whole Sarah incident. That was a mistake. What it reminds me of is how much I want to ride all day or hike then drink until I can't stand.

So 3 hours of bike riding.... Now we will see what happens.

The horrible thing is that to not be able to come up with a better metaphor .... it just feels like the dark side is calling. Like a siren call.....It's hard not to just be filled with a ton of hate right now.

Meeting

I'm on deck for a 3 hour session with my therapist(my bike). As someone said "a stern strict therapist". I'm not sure how much I agree.... cause cyclists are not exactly unequivocally sane. It's still good to go out and clear the cobwebs.

   I'm still very angry

dream

I have this dream where there are roving bears. We have to kill them to protect ourselves. this one is probably some kind of predator dream. Obviously.... there are predators out to get us.

It's recurring. Yep.... not real fond of people right now....
lets see if I can get another couple hours of sleep.

The impossible sleep

Well, now sleep is impossible. I hate everything I try and watch.

Ya, well.... these are the emotions and they are not any fun......

Just for joy... and to get it out... Go Fuck Yourself..... That is the mood I am in.

Yep... I hit it...

Some good solid anger. Good for me.

Nobody to share it with.... which is apropos to my life....

ya.... Jam it....

Demons..... Redux....better than reflux

One of those days.

I'm just exhausted. Need to take some vitamins. This is really taxing. I'm not used to working, riding, and playing.

Shaking, Chasing, Battling, Being devoured, Tormented, Teased.... By all the Demons.

Sometimes I just forget what I'm supposed to do about them. I used to ignore them, I used to face them and realize they weren't real. Strange thing is they always came back. I guess if they return they are real.... in my mind or not.

I've always said that the only tattoo I would get would be one that protected me from evil. Maybe it needs to remind me what to do about demons.

What do you do?

and a Google search doesn't help... because demons are a metaphor for our psychological demons.

I've tried the gin as well, what I have liquor can't seem to cure.

I do know I'm supposed to talk to my friends.... I tried that. Nobody seems to be home.... 1000 ways to contact people... nobody is there. One of those Ironies... we have never been so in contact... never been so far away from each other.

I think I'm supposed to fight the demons.... I think I have to face them head on..... and kick their ass.

Long week, long weekend

It's been a long weekend. I've called and messaged every person I know. Everyone's cup is full. Mine is not. It's moments like this where I want to share what a rough week it has been with someone dear. Right now there is nobody. It seems so little to ask, I guess 'Some' of the connotation.... some of the baggage is more than ...
Just saying, just because I called doesn't mean anything but I wanted to talk with someone.... even about nothing.

When all else fails...... There is always the Gin.....
and Bowie....

Bowie loves me!!!! I know he does.

Hmmm.... maybe he is the original hipster..... but.... if that is true he really was Original Gangster.

Exhausted

So tired I can only write about being tired...... Long weekend with tons of bike fun..... too much drama..... and not enough love.....

This is all I have.... and what seems like a dehydration headache.

Something in the air.

This had me almost crying on the bike today.
Your coat and hat are gone
I really can't look at your little empty shelf
A ragged teddy bear
It feels like we never had a chance
Don't look me in the eye

We lay in each others arms
But the room is just an empty space
I guess we lived it out
Something in the air
We smiled too fast 
Then can't think of a thing to say

Lived with the best times
Left with the worst
I've danced with you too long
Nothing left to say

Let's take what we can
I know you hold your head up high
We've raced for the last time
A place of no return

And there's something in the air
Something in my eye
I've danced with you too long
Something in the air
Something in my eye

Abracadoo - I lose you
We can't avoid the clash
The big mistake
Now we're gona pay and pay
The sentence of our lives
Can't believe I'm asking you to go

We used what we could
To get the things we want
But we lost each other on the way
I guess you know I never wanted 
Anyone more than you

Lived all our best times
Left with the worst
I've danced with you to long
Say what you will

But there's something in the air
Raced for the last time
Well I know you hold your head up high
There's nothing we have to say
There's nothing in my eyes
But there's something in the air
Something in my eye
I've danced with you too long
There's something I have to say
There's something in the air
Something in my eye
I've danced with you too long

Great Joy

One of the great joys of cycling. One of the indulgences I allow myself.

After a long ride, a nice long shower and liberally spreading lotion all over after a nice shower. It's like feeling  like I never have before. Like feeling soft and happy and Filled with great joy.

....
Oh.... how can I finish that post without that reference...
It may be creepy.....
But how can you not do it? Riddle me that Batman?

Love

I really wish I could write a few paragraphs on love. My current thoughts on love.

well.... they just aren't in me at this point

Bike game....

It feels like it's on.

Somehow I managed to get a muscle in my upper back tweeked, not pulled, I think just cramped. It's time for the vitamins, time for the regular bananas, time for the supplements...
Yet.... Good lord i'm out of shape. Seems like a lot to go from ..... slow to go.

Strange what it takes to light the fuse....

but...
who knows maybe the fuse isn't lit.

Library....

I didn't see her when I was there..... Maybe she quit.... maybe she knows I'm stalking her and hides..... Le Sigh....(snark)

As I locked up my bike with my super duper bike lock, Not pictured

It is amusing to me that my bike lock is worth more than my bike. I find it Ironic. Also Ironic is that My bike and lock are still more valuable than any of the bikes locked up on the rack.

Here is a sign of being of advanced age..... It's also amusing that the other bikes are depreciating and mine is appreciating.

Bike Game.

Deep thoughts

What is it in dream analysis. So much overthinking.

I fell asleep at like midnight or one. I'm sleeping ten hours so I get up at 10 or so.

My last dream was. Ordering food with my extended family, breakfast or dinner. For some reason I was moving, and moving my records. and for some reason I was dating "lori" from The walking dead.

Of course I date crazy
The last thing was lori saying I need to communicate better.

wow..... deep, don't we all.

Sometimes a dream is just a dream and a banana is just a banana.

Wisdom

Now this little piece of wisdom from James Bond.

"why do Chinese girls taste different from other girls?"

Oh.... the 60's
You only live twice

Tired

After staying up so late, I was very worried about sleeping in and got up at 8am. Now I'm exhausted. But jacked up on several high potency shots of espresso.... so that is unpleasant.

I am hoping for a quick nap, and then maybe I can resume my regular programming, or irregular programming.

Just an hour of relaxation. Then maybe the wheel will turn to the next setting. Move onto the next thing

this post sucks.

I thought I had you

Oh! insomnia.... I had you beat. There were so many restful nights... only to leave me here.

Maybe it is because I didn't eat.
Maybe it was the espresso at 10:30
Maybe it is my being unsettled in my path...

maybe I'm just not able to sleep...

Fuck... but I did watch the hunt for red October.

Treaties

A treaties on ....

It's midnight, obviously something is bothering me. No fun.... I'm on the verge of my 3 hour ride.... banner day. Chasing demons. I don't know how to

It's the old wounds....

and here I am caught in a couple different worlds, caught between heaven and hell..... Not sure which way leads to my goal, but certainly whichever I choose will be my destination.

Dance card

I don't know how my dance card got full..... Strange that my card can be full, yet I can feel kind of lonely. 

Full cup...... but still struggling. 

More rest,  more exercise.

Shaking off the Cocoon

Trying hard these days, I want to get back to the regular 3 hour rides. Of course then the follow up 5 hour rides.  Trying to clear my system and my mind and my life to make them possible. Visualizing the rides. Visualizing and actualizing my life as one that these things exist...... but trying to get there one step at a time.

Zen... mind over the 3 hour ride.

Library

   Just so you know, I'm in love with one of my librarians. Ok, love is probably a stretch, and if I talked to her the veil may be lifted and I may not find her as charming as my ideal. None the less, in love with one of my librarians.

It's that kind of love where I can't talk to her. If I did I guess I assume she will know that I'm attracted to her, and wouldn't that be the worst thing in the world. I guess for now it's just going to be awkward looks from the isles of books. Attempts to keep my secret love on the down low..... I mean, what is a secret love for if it isn't a secret anymore. 

Off to the library to get some new fun stuff. 

Self sooth

Today was a good day to rest. There were a few hours yesterday where I laid down an felt relaxed. Finally, I felt as though I was able to relax. This may enable me to feel more productive. I made it on the bike, I think  I even saw myself putting in 3 or so hours on the old bike, Hopefully soon.
   To live in constant anxiety, to be unable to rest and recuperate.... an Inability to self Sooth. It felt good today to rest, and maybe it can lead to accomplishing more this week.

  ugh... this post sucked.

Caught between Heaven and Hell

I feel caught between worlds. I wish I could list them. I just feel as though I'm a man without a home, a man without a place to rest.... a path to follow, a journey to take. One can sit and feel as though the path they are on is correct, if ones evolved senses tell him he is on the right path. I sit at this crossroads and feel as though they are all wrong.

   I did feel the right path, I know it is here somewhere..... I just have to find it.... among the chaos.

I need more REM sleep. I'm getting there, but My body doesn't need the rest my mind does.

Ugh was more familiar with death than we are today.

  I'm a fan of wondering, since we are roughly only a few thousand years out of the caves, I  wonder why we feel the way we do. sure over 5 or 10 K years. 5000 years ago was when the Wheel was invented. Does civilization start at the wheel?
 I like to imagine how things were different back then than they are now. I feel like it gives me some understanding on some of our "Modern struggles" maybe even what we term "first world problems". It just seems like in our anesthetized, Sterilized world that we are very detached from death. When it comes we struggle to deal with it, struggle to face it, struggle to recognize it. Death is for people over 70, death is for junkies passed out in gutters, Death is for the poor.
   Many a year ago when we used to hunt mammoth  death was for everyone, Lions jumped us as we returned, even a few hundred years ago 40 years old was ancient. Death came for the young, death came for us all...... seemingly randomly. We were all intimate with death. Ugh the caveman Knew more about death than we ever will.
   Today we have what seems like a luxury, dissonance of our mortality, ... enough disconnection with reality that we can contemplate immortality. Invincibility until our 20's.

That being said, Mortality sucks, death comes for us all.

Trying to find some center.

 Here I sit. I'm actually trying to get some recipes in my recipe book. I don't know why, but it seems like it's the one thing I feel like doing.

My infamous Paella, Eggs Benedict, the Frosting for german chocolate cake. All of it needs to go in a book.

I probably need to create a "To Do" list.

Somehow that seems overwhelming.

I wish I could share some of the feelings I have.... I guess I'm not there yet, with the blog. Most of it is un-death related. More personal.

I should probably get out on the bike.

A start

Things have finally settled down a bit. I managed 10 hours of sleep last night. That was nice. I still have some mess to clean up from the past few weeks. I do now have some time to Breath and to start taking some stock in my own life.
   One of the nice things, and I hope to hang onto it, is that I have that glimmer of "my life" again. That glimpse of my life, the dream life. I have a sense for what my life could be. I'm not talking about some dream Life in a mansion, laying back and have people feeding me Grapes. The fun and difficult life, filled with living breathing adventure and passion. That everyday no matter where you are, one can find joy and passion. Though filled with work and sweat.
   I know that there is just a glimmer at this point.

But like a breath of fresh air.... it's at least there again. Now like a dog on a scent..... lets hunt it down and find it.

quick note

I haven't been updating the blog much. My oldest brother died. I've been dealing with that stuff. I hopefully will return to regular or irregular programming soon.

All Politics are Local

  I was sitting with a friend who is setting up a new business. He filled out a form incorrectly and now he either has to file something new or repay a fee. He went on a long rant about government regulation and it hindering business. I literally picked up the phone and started screaming, about his hypocrisy  Oh how the liberal once he starts a business starts sounding like a republican. Convenient.
   No less than 5 years ago I was drinking and was saying that Trade is good. I'm not a fan of "free trade" but trade is good. He piled onto me in some kind of "occupy" anti WTO rant. I believe in reasonable and fair regulation on business and trade. But trade is good.

The Irony that this same person who gave me the full court press on Free trade and corporate injustice against the little man. Suddenly, now that he is starting a business it's all Anti regulation and interference with his business. After he fucked up a form and has to re-apply, which costs him a week. I spent a year negotiating a phone system once. 

   There was another point in the conversation where he told me that there was never a time when bureaucracy helped anyone. I started listing things in both our lives where "the state" stepped in and helped to stop things that business should not be doing. He was like "oh ya!" 

   What is funny is how little we remember, how hard it is to keep a broader view. How easy it is to have an ideology or belief, until it costs you something. Until it inconveniences you. How we are apparently more interested in the politics of the moment, and not a consistent belief system. Isn't that the difference between running on our lizard brain and operating on higher functions. To most people "All Politics are local" 

Next up.... When did life get so cheep? 

tired

Or not.... fell asleep at 1 woke up at 3am.

I guess that is the update.