Saturday, January 01, 2011

Things would be better .....

.... If only.....

This seems to be the story of 2010 for me. It all started with the year of "things are going to change or something is going to get broke".

I pulled it off, lots changed.

I've been very blocked lately... for 2 or more years. The blog has reflected it. There just had to be more. I was blocked earlier this afternoon. I laid in bed and just wanted some emotion to hit me. I cried for about 45 seconds. I was hoping it would go on for an hour. But it just clogged like a dirty drain. I started writing some to express myself and I got another 60 seconds. I just keep praying for more.

Apparently I use a neutral detergent to clean my bike chain.... didn't know that. See, I'm distracted already. Honest to god I want to just feel this, let the pain and the whatever hit me. I want to feel it.

I've felt that way before "Things would be better if only... I could be in a decent relationship." Anyone with half a brain for psychology or self help knows that happiness comes from within. Still someone to be super close to ... that was what I was hoping for.

I find someone, Like them a lot. There is some great sexual tension there. Sure enough.... Kissing happens.... etc.... Only what happens is, the intimacy never develops. Hopefully you have felt it, when you just want to spend all of your time laying in bed and talking and holding and touching. The whole thing... you want the crying and the sadness and the happiness...

but... it's not there... You wonder why, decide... Well I can work on this. Nothing is perfect... it's just going to take some work. I'm not afraid of work. You try and take the time to start talking.... get the intimacy going. But there is no time.... "I'm busy" "It's late" "You need to go home" "I'm tired"

Somehow without it... well somehow the relationship seems to be progressing. You can't quite figure out how... or Why.... since ... You keep waiting for her to open up... to share all of her stuff... the whole thing. But she doesn't... You ask... she is guarded...

It's like... ok "Maybe Things would be better if I told her I loved her" maybe that is what she is waiting for.... Sure enough... It's great... bla bla bla Love me back.... etc..

What I'm missing telling you is that each few weeks... something goes wrong... I called it "going sideways". Something happens and suddenly we go sideways and things are odd and wonky... I'm just scratching my head wondering WTF is going on.

We are in bed... her dog keeps jumping on the bed and jumping on us... in the middle of being intimate. It's a constant distraction, she can't focus... she doesn't want to keep going. I'm ready to shoot the dog. but it's all "I love my dog". I'm ready to walk out... Do you want me or your dog? If you want the dog... I'll be at home and moving on..... "oh, Don't be like that. This is nothing, everything is fine." "No, it's not fine, your dog keeps trying to lick my ass"

You are scratching your head... wondering WTF is going on. Ok... I'm not important... it's all about the dog.

So... I'm 4 months into it.... I feel like we are at 2 weeks into the relationship.

then all the "Dad" stuff happens. Seriously, he threatened me. Was Altered. Mentally disturbed. Made no sense when he talked. Acted like a jealous boyfriend.. which is just... Same crazy shit... it's just More...

and each time we have a "Thing" and it goes Sideways... it gets bigger. More to the point, she keeps saying "It will calm down, things will get better" She swears it to you.

It never happens constant blow ups... never getting any better, just worse... All the time with her it's "Things would be better, if only...." and something I had to do.

I need to accept her dad
I need to change the way I talk to her
I need to do X
I need to Y
Things would be better if she was wearing a different shirt.
Things would be better if only her bike was fixed...

Things will be better if only....

it's just a lie... It's a lie to ones self, a lie to each other... We make ourselves better. We make ourselves happy. Things will be better when I take control... and make myself happy. She isn't happy because she isn't happy. and she is trying to make me miserable in the process.

Because deep down.... something is terribly wrong.

there isn't anything I can do about it....

There just seemed to be no ability to..... Just be there and to connect... and... she just wanted to see me on the weekends... and then at the end for just a few hours. I was always dying to see her one or two times during the week. Who doesn't want to see a person they love... as much as possible. Just one time to just sit... and hold each other... be close and make the week feel fine.

nope... I got this.
"i'm busy"
"I work hard"
"i'm tired"
"you don't understand... I have a dog"

After barely seeing each other for months.... I begged her "Please, can we just make it through Christmas."
In the middle of the month, I found myself waiting for her again. Maybe she was going to show up... maybe not. I had asked..... Begged her to confirm if she was coming over or not, by phone by email... . 6pm... nothing. I'm just waiting around like a loser.... "maybe my girlfriend is going to show up"

Fuck it... I left.

this all escalates... "you are abandoning me" "You have to not act like this..." "things would be better if only you wouldn't get mad when I treat you badly"..... Seriously... this is the dialog ... somehow she is hurt... by her having me wait around for her. Her blowing me off.

This just escalates... I keep pleading with her "I just asked you to be on time"... Nope... all my fault... things would be better if I just enabled her treating me badly. I'm abandoning her. I'm the abusive one... with my needs and stuff.

These BTW are tell tail signs of an abusive relationship. Abusers insist on being enabled... everything is the co-Dependants fault... because they are stupid and kind and take it on. There is also a cycle of abuse. They can't function outside of what is similar to a bi-polar cycle. Everything is great.... then things flatten out... then they are miserable... they there is the fight.... then things work out...then things are Great... then they flatten out... then the fight.... and around and around you go. Each time it escalates... until either you enable the abuse... or you give up on the relationship... or you end up dead.

So... I'm home alone for Christmas.... The weekend ends... I look at it on my way home from being with friends.... "Why am I in a relationship, with someone who won't spend Christmas with me." I decide.... I'm not.

I end it.

new years eve comes... she wants back together. In the week between she is like "I'm sorry"... I asked her for what? Things just start escalating again. I'm over it. New years eve... she wants to be together....

My new years resolution is to have this be over. 7 months of horror.

I told her No. Nothing has been resolved... She left me for Christmas. I had no doubt she was going to pull "You left me for new years that makes us even". I say, that makes this relationship stupid, and lame and ridiculous.

Still the relationship is at what I see as a 2 or 3 week mark. still no real intimacy... Nothing will budge.

Also... who doesn't want to love or hold that someone special on Christmas???? WTF...

She never loved me.... It's sad... It's awful.... I told her as much... "I don't even think you can love"
this was not love. it was nasty to say it. But What the hell....

I always wonder... should it be; Love is never needing to say "you are sorry" or having to ask. Let alone beg....

She always said "this is because I just love you so much".... Huh! I'd hate to not have this kind of love...

Or maybe it's just better.... to not have this kind of love.

I've been asking myself "What is the universe telling me"... On this one.... I just think the universe threw Snake Eyes.

Things would be better ... if only....

Honestly... I'd pay money to cry for an hour.

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