Friday, June 01, 2012

More... but less

I said I was going to post more. I thought the previous post about duck suffocation was ok, it wasn't great... but it felt good.

I'm trying to be honest. That seems to be helping my writing. I used to have this blog and I could just post anything I felt. It's more difficult now... I can't be as honest because I get phone calls... or messages. Then I spend half of my day explaining things

I'm trying to remember what my decent thoughts today were. My garden is finally in, It's funny it is so stressful. I wonder how farmers used to do it. Probably beat their wives... My head is so full of thoughts on how we bully and hurt and disrupt the growth of our children. I can't get away from it.

This blog post sucks...

Oh.... Ok HTFU.. and Nobody is there for me.

Ok, So... I'm in one of those things right now, Where I feel like nobody is there for me... Like i have burned out all my "Support system". It is that feeling where I feel abandoned. I actually know I'm not... In a way it's that the right people are not there. I joked with a dear friend of mine that she should tell me when i'm supposed to fall back in love with her. She is this very amazing woman, so few know how amazing. Much smarter than I. She lives this quiet peaceful life. I think that was learned, she realized how quiet and peaceful she liked things. I like to imagine that she wakes up as the sun hits her Dawn facing window. In rays of sunlight she wakes up in the morning... rejuvenated cuttled and caressed by the Night. Dawn bringing a perfect morning to her life. There is no room for anyone in that life, or in that perfect morning. She is satisfied by her life... wants nor needs nothing else. She lives Self Satisfied. I love those thoughts.
   One of my Ex Girlfriends said to me "who do you trust"... which was a challenge to me, to ask me... when the chips are down... who is my "Go To"... and more specifically who is the woman I go to in those moments of weakness. Well, she certainly is one of them. But she has this perfect life and morning. I also think that, like my mother... she sort of has this saying.... My mother says..."well, at one point... mamma is all out of milk". There is something we say in cycling... or among us.... it's HTFU... You need to dig in and harden up and move on. ... Mamma is all out of milk.
    Since I like to deal in dichotomies... One of the signs of the Borderline personality disorder, is an inability to "self help". Part of that is being unable to ask for help, or to say something is wrong. My dear Nancy and I  have talked about this. Regardless of what is wrong or if someone can do anything. The thing is, You have to Say it. You have to verbalize it. This is part of making the problem real. So when someone stays to you, Shut up... stop whining about it... We have to remember that it is important to have a kind ear to listen to our problems, regardless of how large or small. There is something about saying it. There is also something to the   unhealthy nature of repressing it. Thinking nobody cares. Yet... sometimes we have to dig in and do something about it. HTFU....
   This balance between HTFU... and being vulnerable to talking about our problems... openly... well it's interesting... at what point do people become frustrated because we have whined about our lack of a decent job or significant relationship for long enough... when we continue to sit on our asses and ride bikes and watch TV... Sit and do nothing about it for too many years. At what point is it worthless whining and not a genuine struggle with our psyche... what point are we an Eeyore who constantly struggles with imposed worthlessness, no point in even listening to anymore. But for most... if they knew any other or any better way... They really would do it. It's like blaming the victim. They don't like being who they are... They just don't know any other way.... They didn't ask for it... nor are they Lazy. They just don't know the way.... And ask... Do you? Are you the pinnacle of a good life? I just saw a thing with Maurice Sendak. He said as he was getting to the end of his life "All artists Get to the end of their life and say 'Is this it? is this all that there was?" I'm not sure I know anyone who has it all figured out, I know a few people who are truly happy. Satisfied in their current life. I have been satisfied in my life. I'm satisfied in my garden, in my work which is how I lead my life. I think, though happy... I still think that the people who are happy still want more. We have learned to be happy with what we have... but... I think we know there is a more complete life. Similar to what "H.I." the Nicholas Cage character in razing Arizona was hoping for of course maybe it is one fence post too high for us... and it's our nature to reach to the limit of our abilities and then constantly bash our heads against the Immovable rock.

Ok, that is all I have... I wish I had the energy to re-read and re-edit this... maybe if I keep my streak of insomnia going... I'll edit it.... anyways... there are only 4 or you reading this anyways.

Sorry, you aren't worth a re-write.... face it.... it's called reality.

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