Duck suffocation

It has been quite some time since I have been able to put together some cohesive thoughts. Worst turning cohesive thoughts into a series of cohesive sentences and paragraphs. One story I rarely mention is when I was in highschool I wrote something for the literary rag. The teacher in charge of it said, "when you write you should have a theme or meaning in what you write. Unless you just want to write pulp fiction. Well I do dig me some Pulp fiction. These words have followed me the rest of my life. "Ahhhh Meaning.... good idea."

I want to watch a documentary about relationships, exploring all the strange dichotomies that relationships present us with. More Sexual relationships, than any other type. I said this this weekend, "It just seems that the single most important thing in life, finding someone and sharing a life with that person, it seems like it should be easier. The single most important thing in life, one would think it would not be so difficult. Maybe everyone else finds it easy, and I'm the only one who struggles but that is what I see out there. We have computers that think and do everything for us... but somehow I can't manage to build a life with someone and fall asleep in a bed with them and wake up the next day recharged enough to look at  the world and say... "lets go" "allonsy" or "another day world.... Let us go another round"

In these thoughts... suddenly I thought "I should do a Documentary, exploring these ideas" and yet... Ya.. mop... just what you need... another thing to do... because the other 30 things you are halfway in the middle of, just aren't enough.

with a little luck, i'm going to try and explore some of these ideas on the blog.

I was in a park about 9 months ago. I watched a male duck dunk and suffocate the female duck under the water then he mated with her. I wondered if that sadistic animal thing ... it was such anathema to how I want my life to be or to my perceptions of reality. I wondered if this was just some kind of strange element to life that I just ... that just isn't in me and I have been blind to, that this maybe was just the normal way ducks mate. Or if the male duck just wore her down... chased her all day and night until she was exhausted and raped her. Which is something we see in our human life.. some predator cornering a woman and attacking her, him even deluding himself into thinking it was just some kind of primal essence of lust. The way she dressed "made him do it" and he sees it beautiful in a Henry and June desperate depraved kind of way. I wonder what I would think of a reread of some Henry miller. The truth being, he cornered her in a parking lot and she just submitted rather than have him beat her... or suffocate her under the water. Submission is not consent.

No wonder this is all so crazy and complicated. When all I want is to wake up in the morning, make some eggs and get back to work.

No wonder woman find it so difficult and frightning. Wanting some love and affection, in a world of sexual assault and violence. Trying to suss out what is healthy from what is normal... normal in a land of duck suffocation.