Procrastination

Procrastination....

Which "aparently" I can spell... I can't spell "apparently" but procrastination... that I can do.

I keep thinking... I'll be able to get something done... as soon as I get a shower.... as soon as I get this coffee drunk... as soon as I finish watching this tennis match....

this has been going on for about a week. I'm trying very hard to sit down and get some work done.

as I sit here.. I have cleaned my desk... made vegetable stock. Working on a glitch on this other computer. I took a shower. I'm thinking about taking another one. I think I need a shave.... tomorrow I get a haircut....

I keep thinking if maybe I get a coke....

you see... I don't think it will help.

I did take a nap... that almost helped after the nap, I managed to sit at my desk, and I managed opening up the project on my computer.

Well shower and a shave it is.....

spin twirl and suffer.

I'm sitting here remembering what it was like to blog all the time. I just took a shower and I remembered how strange it used to be when I could just write anything that came into my head. I guess there was a point in time that I faced all my demons. Funny that now I feel like I have faced them. Like most of them have moved past me. Most of them... and when I say "Most" I mean all the ones that I knew about that I feared. Well those fears, those demons have moved past me... moved on.

What is strange though.... I can't share "what is going on" inside this old mouse infested head of mine. Mostly because it is not my truth anymore, it's other peoples truth. I've been entrusted with them and I don't get to share them. Now I realize that what I need to do is face my fears... and part of that is to talk about them and confront all the "things" that mess with us. To share that "dark place" to share that Dark terror that nags and haunts us. It's funny I keep encoraging people to share it... yet... they keep going back to hiding it. No mater how much better they think it is to share it, and to let me connect with them and their pain. They keep wanting to hide it... they don't get how I want to hear it... I want to share it... that it is the natural thing to share that pain with another person.....

they just bury it.... "it's my cross to bare"... then they eat it..... and it just tears them to shreds....

Nancy said to me.... "why is it that it seems to be better when I say it. That all I have to do is say it".....

funny that that is just what I want to do.... I just want to share it for them.... problem is.... they don't ....

So I watch them spin and suffer.....

Hmmm some updates

I am kind of upset right now, so I seem to have nothing else to do but post here.

I spent most of last night and most of the morning breaking up with my girlfriend. The jist of it from me was "your life is too fucked up, and you are in a constant state of screwing mine up. I know you mean well, but I've had my fill"

She hoped that this morning I would relent. I said, "I can't spend the next year worrying about you every day, you have to chose to put an end to this stuff." and she wouldn't. to her defense, she doesn't even know how. It was just too much for me, I couldn't live in a constant emergency.

It was the right decision, it's just strange when the only decision you can make is to not care about someone so that their horror show life doesn't affect yours. My only choice was to stop caring..... of course that is hard.

I guess it is all my fault for letting it all happen, should have ended it many months ago.

Ryan posted a post about Mormons.... I have one thing to say about the Mormon Zellots, the ones who are "hard core". Freud talked about overcompensation, I kid you not there is a huge element of the church who like warren jeffs are just using it for pedophilia. I'd even go as far as saying part of the fundamental issue with "plural wives" has to do with it being an 1700-1800's excuse for being attracted to children. These Zellot Mormons are using the church to hide their pedophilia or any number of perverse sexual or psychological deviance. There are some decent Mormons, but after all the things I've seen I'd never trust a Mormon with my kids, especially one who "talked the talk", many of them just use it to get access and gain trust.

fun fun fun.....

I hope I can get out on a bike ride.... one problem is that she broke my MP3 player months ago, and I haven't had time to set up the new one.

cry cry cry.... just move on.....