Letting it all go.

I was asked about my year the other day. I will admit I feel good, I'm getting back into shape. I feel good. That being said my reply was, "This is about the worst year I have ever had." My oldest brother died in april. My other brother fell off a roof two weeks ago and has been in the ICU until just a few days ago. Ridiculous fights with just about everyone. Yet in some ways my family is getting healthier, much healthier. Through all the fighting, through all the drama... everyone is responding. Tooth and nail blood feuds.

   In all this, I seem to have shed both my unhealthy love interests. I really think I have done it this time. I've accepted that though they love me.... Their love is hollow. That as one person says "the juice is not with the squeeze". I've been haunted by this all day. For some reason I have also been haunted by the blade runner sound track This was really the theme to.. to the romance I had that I should have kept.... The one that I should have married. I let her go, she moved on, had 2 kids. Great husband.... That is life. But this soundtrack reminds me of getting high and being in love.

I'd like to do all of that again....

I've seen things you wouldn't believe.....

The invasion.....

Her name was Normandy. Before I met her the floor nurse said her name, I asked.... like the "beachhead"?

she said, "Yep, and oh she doesn't hear that all the time"

I laughed, my entire family heard the conversation. of course they missed the sarcasm and then when she showed up they proceeded to ask if her father was in WWII or her Grandfather... I imagine there were jokes about her sister being "Iwo Jima". I'm not sure what it is that we all make the most obvious uncomfortable jokes. I'm not a big fan of the "teasing"... I find it to be a just a mild form of cruelty.

oh blog.... where have we been

   As I sit down I don't know what I am going to write. I'm filled with anger and rage.... my blood sugar is fluctuating, that isn't helping. Nothing seems to be able to go right for me... I'm asking very little of the universe, I get exhaust fumes in return. I'm putting in hour after hour trying to get the ship righted.... it's just not working. Boat is sinking.... where are the life rafts...

  Sick of complaining about it, sick of bitching about it....There is no help possible... no rest for the wicked I guess.