Report 10

I'm 30 pages from being finished with "Tough guys don't dance." I've been fighting it for 6 months. It's actually fairly lousy, one step up from a Mickey Speilan novel or a ... who the hell wrote the james bond.. Ian Flemming... I bet the Bourn books were ok... who is that? Clive Cussler.. Going to have to look that up, ah Ha! Robert Ludlum.

I had a good distraction going... in fact with the snow this morning, and my fit of cabin fever, I hardly noticed my usuall Friday/Saturday gremlins. And I even noticed that with the shoveling the snow and climbing the walls to get outside... and my escape to the lands of Retail Paradise as a distraction. I didn't seem to even have a chance to ruminate on them....All the way until I remembered how nice things had been... Then Like a sickness it all crawled up my legs and into my gut... felt like curling into a ball and having a good shaking fit.All and all, I seem to suffer some PTSD... Mostly from living what was a very eventful life through my early 30's... none of that today... More like a monk these days, all that is left is to relive that old life.
But I battled on through the novel and there I am 30 pages from the end 371 and I am on 350 or so. Roughly the story is over, we are just tying up loose ends.

Somehow I ended up, as a thank you somebody brought me... I kid you not, 2 liter bottle of diet coke, and like Potato chips made out of apples, and some chex mix.... I guess the idea was that "I deserve some snacks" but since I try and be healthy, the idea was to bring me healthy snacks.

I keep wondering, People think that snacks make people happy, or maybe my perception is that everybody likes to give me snacks and cookies, because I deserve them or because I'm such a miserable asshole that it would cheer me up... Only to me, they make me angry because ... now that crap that I keep so far from my door, is now in my house... I think it's more like the Junkies who don't want anyone else to not be a junky... "here is some Smack" I know you are a junky, but if you ever want some... it's right on your table.

And you can't be rude, and say "don't bring your Crack Pipe over here."... and as some kind of evil Catch 22, because I'm such an asshole I obviously need a hit off the Crack Pipe...

What is wrong with us... or me.... Why ask...