Diet update

I'm doing well... thank god for scales or as bad as I feel I'd quit. What is this 3 weeks.... I rode my bike today, but I want to die right now.... if the scale didn't say so many good things... I'd be frustrated.... I at least don't feel like a walrus. Is this how it started.... I feel like a walrus... Not a good feeling....
no really... see If I can have a salad before bed....
wow... 17 days in....

I'd talk about all I want to eat... but it wouldn't help... hmm.. not really wanting a pizza... or a burger... I did break down and ate 4 hamburger patties covered in cheese... wish it was cheeze....

Force of will

Time to put some of my mojo to work.... Get back to feeling better by shear force of will... and good decision making. Put the rubber to the road, so to speak. Time for healthy food... good decisions and exercise....
Lets get it on!!!

Becoming a Walrus

I can remember when it started. a few years ago fit and strong, every month... getting worse. constantly swearing "ya, I"m doing it... I'll get there" Somehow it doesn't happen. Trying to wrap my head around long suffering fat consuming rides.. I don't want to suffer... I'd rather somehow enjoy it.... somehow changing who what where when I do...

   Last week... well didn't want to because it would make me too tired... this week I"m sick... they are not excuses... it's just what it is... but here it is... becoming a walrus...

dear god...

Ritual to Intention... while drinking gin.

Well, Time to self medicate with a lovely martini.

I'm really caught up in the rituals of life. I almost feel OCD where 'everything will be fine' if I just perform this ritual. Yet, one needs the ritual of a clean bathroom. My bookshelf really did need to be better organized. My clothing need to be on the proper shelves. Twice a day, a nice cup of tea or breakfast. Sitting pondering.

A ritual of making a martini... a ritual of a cup of tea.. both amazing.. yet sometimes they feel impossible.

  but what wonderful rituals... we need them... Clean bathrooms, clean dishes, clean laundry. These rituals... Rituals that get us through our day. Yet rituals.. habits, habits of the mind are what destroy us. Disciplin. breaking those habits... is what frees us...
   What do I ponder, not pondering. Setting things in motion. Things are quiet now,  I miss days of angry bike riding. Crazy girlfriends and

Work without intention is empty motion.... WTF is intention...

Lets talk about action...

...

The irony if I left this blank.

My mind is so blank right now... I almost did it. It just wouldn't make the point that I'd like to attempt.

There is a person out there who has their own crisis, their dream is falling apart. They said, "If this fails, what will it mean for everyone with a dream."
In my head I said "It means that you have failed, that you didn't make it. It means nothing for dreamers." A dreamer though does not act. Just having a dream won't make it happen. We all dream, the point is to act... then don't hope. Even a miracle needs a hand....

You need more than a dream... you need work.

Oh to be a fish...

   It’s late, I intend to write some new things for the blog. At this point I don’t know where to start. I guess that is certainly a starting point. But… the best start right now is a cup of tea.

   For the past Month, or more for the past Six months, many of my thoughts have been focused on questions of existence. As I sit here, I wonder if it is questions, it is more the question of existence. When I was younger, it was clear to me that it was a silly thing to contemplate, one just existed and existed as best as one could. Contemplating it was like being a mouse on a wheel.  

   Sigh…. I need lip balm….I really just had to spend 10 min finding lip balm or it was going to irritate me. Strangely it illustrates one of the things I have been contemplating about existence, the things interfering with our ability to lead the life we want to live, moreover I want to live. Suddenly at this stage in life, this question has started beating in my heart as loud as the tell tale heart in the poem. Not Ironic. No, I didn’t kill a guy… but the point is the same.

More later.
   Disillusion.
   Loving those that are the most difficult.
   Self created realities.
   etc etc etc...

Laying on the cold tiles.... to....

Laying on the bathroom floor….. Contemplating…. How did my life get so complicated… I want a martini, I want a great meal. Just finished a bike ride, I’m playing too much tennis… Just lay here… maybe the shower will just take me over… maybe like a gigantic venus flytrap it will grab me and clean me and this will all be over.
    Why is my life so complicated… why isn't my life just putting some gin in some juice and then eating a bowl of cheerios… they do make it in caramel and chocolate… no muss no fuss… just add milk…. just add gin. If only I could stand….
     I’ll just lay here, the carpets provide much appreciated comfort, laying on the tile would feel too much like a night of too much dancing and drinking… Just sit here… Ya, cheerios…. that would be nice…. My life needs to be simpler. Holy crap my toilet is dirty, how have I let it get that way…. That is nasty. My old mantra, nobody wants to have sex with someone if you can’t shower after and feel like you are getting cleaner.
   This is ridiculous, I can’t even get a shower… how the hell am I going to clean a toilet… I have to ride my bike more. Ok, maybe I can stand… no, I’ll lay here for a bit……. Ok, now I’m up… but I’m scrubbing the toilet… WTF!!! This is a joke… but at least my toilet is clean. Ok… shower…. Oh! lovely shower….Oh, clean shampooed… maybe I can get that martini… maybe if I put the comfy clothing on I can make that martini… it’s just a few ingredients and I can put them in the shaker, then I can get dressed… come back and finish.
     Martini done, now i’’m dressed… what I really want is some bread and some cheese and some mustard, some pesto, and some fruit… Ok, I can do that… Shit… the counter is dirty…Ok, I can clean that, I can put the dishes away and clean the counter.
Ok…. lets finish that martini….
 … Food on plate…
 … martini done, icy cold… like a cloud…
 … David Bowie on the record player…

 Sip that martini… Ok, this is what I was talking about.