I'm not sure what happened, I may be still upset from finding out about my friend's cancer. Maybe just reminding myself of mortality and that time in life. They are like bookends of life, all in one person.
I woke up at 5am. I became very obsessed with a Johnny Cash song.
It's really fucking amazing and the video helps.
But the day got away from me. I have no idea what happened. I'd suggest that one problem was I didn't have coffee until about 11pm. I didn't get any exercise until about 10. I really have no idea where the day went. Seems obvious I was lost in thought, I don't really know about what though. From what I have been typing I'm seeing a theme. Sounds like I should just admit what it's about.
For the past few days I have really started to feel better, I'm feeling like i'm getting back in touch with my 'Core'. I was listening to Pink floyd Welcome to the Machine, and fell in love again with that song specifically and with Wish you were here. I haven't 'Felt' music like that in quite some time. Probably the same is true for 'God is going to Cut you down'
Well, like I said I do feel like I'm getting back to .... Center.... None the less, it's like I lost a day.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
a post
It's late and I was typing up a post about masturbation madonna and high school..... then I checked on my "real" facebook only to find out one of my HS friends has cancer.... which is well... one of many, but it's still sad. Of course ... some times I look at old friends lives and I don't have that much sympathy ... they have lead fairly fortunate lives. I have a hard time not wanting to choke on my own spit when I say "i'm so sorry", this one bad thing happening to them over the course of their life... Isn't a big fucking deal IMO. Of course now this person is going to die and here I am being an asshole.
But seriously... most these people really have been assholes and fairly entitled and privileged most of their life. And again... will probably be getting some of the most expensive cancer care in the world. Tragic.... and this person is a very good person, always has been.... but they have also lead a full and very fortunate life. the throngs of well wishers are nauseating.
It's been an interesting day, for some reason a reminder of many old friends
But seriously... most these people really have been assholes and fairly entitled and privileged most of their life. And again... will probably be getting some of the most expensive cancer care in the world. Tragic.... and this person is a very good person, always has been.... but they have also lead a full and very fortunate life. the throngs of well wishers are nauseating.
It's been an interesting day, for some reason a reminder of many old friends
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Sock drawer
I feel like organizing my sock drawers today. 2 days after doing my laundry somehow I have a full load. For the most part I feel like just laying around and listening to david bowie... oh what a life.
Ok, I have managed to mostly get organized. I still need to setup my workbench so that I can get some work done. Effing work benches.....
But now it is time for 3-4 hours of trying to get to sleep.
Ok, I have managed to mostly get organized. I still need to setup my workbench so that I can get some work done. Effing work benches.....
But now it is time for 3-4 hours of trying to get to sleep.
Let the lord sort it out.
I was woken up with a nightmare. Ya, something is bothering me.
I'm a fan of dealing with whatever it is. One of two things. Life in general.... or
I wonder, maybe it's just some wandering thoughts. Remember remember...... . "What was the nightmare about?" ya, that isn't the answer I want.
Lets just pretend it's indigestion. Maybe I give up and let some gin sort it out.
I'm a fan of dealing with whatever it is. One of two things. Life in general.... or
I wonder, maybe it's just some wandering thoughts. Remember remember...... . "What was the nightmare about?" ya, that isn't the answer I want.
Lets just pretend it's indigestion. Maybe I give up and let some gin sort it out.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Remember Remember
the 5th of November.
I need to remember that progress is made a few feet at a time. Need to realize that it can't be made in leaps and bounds, unless you are really lucky.
I think I like getting up early because I can feel like I don't need to do anything for a couple hours. I think I like going to bed early for the same reason. I can sort of waist 6 hours a day.
I could still use a beer.
I need to remember that progress is made a few feet at a time. Need to realize that it can't be made in leaps and bounds, unless you are really lucky.
I think I like getting up early because I can feel like I don't need to do anything for a couple hours. I think I like going to bed early for the same reason. I can sort of waist 6 hours a day.
I could still use a beer.
The siren call
Well, I guess that is what it is. Start doing things and you realize the length and breadth of the problems you face. No reason to shove my head up my ass.
I spent the morning struggling. My impulse to drink Gin and eat pizza gnawing at me. Then as I started another little project I noticed a nice $600 owie in my future. Great..... Extra reason to drink.
When do I get to spend that $600 on Ski gear or backpacking stuff. Yep, never. Why is it that it seems my money is never mine. That it always goes to some kind of maintenance of work and toil.
I was thinking the other day about the year I spent flyfishing and working to flyfish... where are those days....
Struggle.... Toil.....
I could use a drink.... Lets hope I can avoid it.... I have been good.... I just don't think it will help me.
I spent the morning struggling. My impulse to drink Gin and eat pizza gnawing at me. Then as I started another little project I noticed a nice $600 owie in my future. Great..... Extra reason to drink.
When do I get to spend that $600 on Ski gear or backpacking stuff. Yep, never. Why is it that it seems my money is never mine. That it always goes to some kind of maintenance of work and toil.
I was thinking the other day about the year I spent flyfishing and working to flyfish... where are those days....
Struggle.... Toil.....
I could use a drink.... Lets hope I can avoid it.... I have been good.... I just don't think it will help me.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Today
Dear Diary,
I had a tough day. I did get plenty of stuff done. I was 'good' no, reward though. I do intend to go to bed early.
For whatever reason the gin is calling me.I think it's a bad idea. I'm sleeping so well. I may be just plagued with a few demons today. I kind of wish I had finished more of my projects..... It's monday and I wanted to be fully organized again.
Too much sex, not enough affection.
I had a tough day. I did get plenty of stuff done. I was 'good' no, reward though. I do intend to go to bed early.
For whatever reason the gin is calling me.I think it's a bad idea. I'm sleeping so well. I may be just plagued with a few demons today. I kind of wish I had finished more of my projects..... It's monday and I wanted to be fully organized again.
Too much sex, not enough affection.
Mastication Ideation
I'm in love with sleep. I do wish I was having dirtier dreams, but what can you do. The best part is the extra Two hours. You wake up after 7 or 8 hours.... go to the bathroom get a glass of water, then go back to bed. Curl up and say "I'll just lay here in spender and joy" tow hours later you wake up refreshed, your only concern is that since you are so refreshed.... it must be noon. and to your added joy you only caught another hour or two.
Struggling with a decision about breakfast this morning. Do I go big for Sunday breakfast, or to I keep to my fruit and eggs and veggies or pancakes french toast and bagels.... Hollandaise poached eggs cheese English muffins.
Well... I went with fruit and an omelet. After some exercise.... feeling a little less like Jack Black. I'll just keep it up. Though I am having food ideations.... If that isn't apparent. I probably need a reward of some sort if I'm good today.
Struggling with a decision about breakfast this morning. Do I go big for Sunday breakfast, or to I keep to my fruit and eggs and veggies or pancakes french toast and bagels.... Hollandaise poached eggs cheese English muffins.
Well... I went with fruit and an omelet. After some exercise.... feeling a little less like Jack Black. I'll just keep it up. Though I am having food ideations.... If that isn't apparent. I probably need a reward of some sort if I'm good today.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Fight the Pizza
3 pm.... Now I am tired. I want my pizza.......Thinking about it isn't helping.
I'm cranky, I'm tired...... The pizza won't help...
all the gin would do is make me eat the pizza... and anything else I can find.
Ugh... demons till I fall asleep.
I'm cranky, I'm tired...... The pizza won't help...
all the gin would do is make me eat the pizza... and anything else I can find.
Ugh... demons till I fall asleep.
eh....
Some mornings I wake up and feel like spending my day drinking Gin. The question in my head is 'Why Not?'
Most people can come up with a long list of reasons and responsibilities. Right now, me not so much. I'm grasping to the 'concept' the 'belief' that I may get some crap done, and that may help me feel better. Well, I know it is but, make me feel better than the gin will. It's total spring cleaning, I'm glad to get ahead of it, it also means that there will be some follow up later in the spring. I say this as 3-4 inches of snow is falling outside.
Eating is a strange thing. I was watching some comedy thing. The comedian said "Who eats until they are full, I eat until I hate myself". That gets big laughs, I think we all know about that feeling. I guess, if that is one side of the coin, there has to be another side. I remember spending months eating soup fruit and vegies, I felt very good about that. I drank espresso this morning. I ate some soup, had some fruit.
I'm seeing my nemesis pizza this afternoon. Hoping that I resist.... Maybe I'll substitute gin for the pizza... yet, probably it will be gin then pizza.... fuck....
Yep, feeling more like Jack Black rather than the Wolvereen
Most people can come up with a long list of reasons and responsibilities. Right now, me not so much. I'm grasping to the 'concept' the 'belief' that I may get some crap done, and that may help me feel better. Well, I know it is but, make me feel better than the gin will. It's total spring cleaning, I'm glad to get ahead of it, it also means that there will be some follow up later in the spring. I say this as 3-4 inches of snow is falling outside.
Eating is a strange thing. I was watching some comedy thing. The comedian said "Who eats until they are full, I eat until I hate myself". That gets big laughs, I think we all know about that feeling. I guess, if that is one side of the coin, there has to be another side. I remember spending months eating soup fruit and vegies, I felt very good about that. I drank espresso this morning. I ate some soup, had some fruit.
I'm seeing my nemesis pizza this afternoon. Hoping that I resist.... Maybe I'll substitute gin for the pizza... yet, probably it will be gin then pizza.... fuck....
Yep, feeling more like Jack Black rather than the Wolvereen
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Espresso season
At some point every spring I get sick of drinking coffee by the gallon. So.... I turn to espresso. I needed to get some other stuff at the grocery store so there I sat staring at endless names and brands of coffee.
The one thing I know about espresso is that it's all about the tamp. Clog up the system with so much dark powdery goodness, the bonus being much powdery grounds in the bottom of my glass.... delicious. The fine granules providing another few bars of pressure to then saturate and push the caffeinated joy into my cup.
I sat there in front of all the coffee options, bewilderd.... like a deer in the headlights. I realized ... again I have to pay more for an unground dark roast.... WTF is that? why... because those who know coffee will pay more.
If only I desired a Carmel candy vanilla espresso... pre ground.
Well it's espresso season.....
The one thing I know about espresso is that it's all about the tamp. Clog up the system with so much dark powdery goodness, the bonus being much powdery grounds in the bottom of my glass.... delicious. The fine granules providing another few bars of pressure to then saturate and push the caffeinated joy into my cup.
I sat there in front of all the coffee options, bewilderd.... like a deer in the headlights. I realized ... again I have to pay more for an unground dark roast.... WTF is that? why... because those who know coffee will pay more.
If only I desired a Carmel candy vanilla espresso... pre ground.
Well it's espresso season.....
....
I woke up an hour early. I wanted an extra hour, or something like the extra hour. I curled back up in my blankets and turned up the electric heating pad.
I washed my sheets, there may be a chance that one sleeps better in clean sheets. Spring cleaning and organizing has started. I think I woke up today and I don't want the day to start. I exhausted myself yesterday.
Where was this going....
The thing that sucks about getting up early is being tired at 4-5pm.... We sleep for 8 hours we are tired for 2 hours before and after. 8 hours of work, 4 hours of personal time.....then it's all being tired.
I washed my sheets, there may be a chance that one sleeps better in clean sheets. Spring cleaning and organizing has started. I think I woke up today and I don't want the day to start. I exhausted myself yesterday.
Where was this going....
The thing that sucks about getting up early is being tired at 4-5pm.... We sleep for 8 hours we are tired for 2 hours before and after. 8 hours of work, 4 hours of personal time.....then it's all being tired.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
spring is springing
I managed to actually get quite a bit done yesterday. I have high hopes for today. I keep getting exercise. Optimistic....
I'm hoping for some laundry and start on some projects.......
I'm hoping for some laundry and start on some projects.......
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Tired by 9am
I was tired today by 9am.... It's unpleasant. I seem to be feeling better... by body is rejecting no being filled with sloth.
This is one of those times where I feel like if I puked I'd feel better. Trying to fill myself with water and vegetables... my system is rejecting it.... I mean next it will be vitamins. ok... I confess I've been eating vitamins...
I probably should just do some menial labor this afternoon.... make the blood flow ... keep myself physically active.
This is one of those times where I feel like if I puked I'd feel better. Trying to fill myself with water and vegetables... my system is rejecting it.... I mean next it will be vitamins. ok... I confess I've been eating vitamins...
I probably should just do some menial labor this afternoon.... make the blood flow ... keep myself physically active.
Monday, February 18, 2013
I think I am a pro at sleep disturbance. In fact I sometimes envy people with regular jobs, or kids that have to make it to school. Something to keep a sleep schedule on schedule.
I used to love getting up early, I still do. When I was a finish carpenter, finish carpenters get up early, we used to get up at like 3 or 4 in the morning and get to work at 5am. Carpenters work in shops that are climate controlled, their work is dependent on nothing but getting things done so there is no reason to be at work at a specific time. So you get up early and get it done. When not working overtime you are done by 1 and fall asleep by 9pm.
There was a time when I was working onsite and we started at 7am, people were amazed when I showed up at 6:30. I've also learned over the years that if you commute leaving 5 or 10 minutes early gets you to work 15-30 minutes early. Most people tend to try and get to work within 5 minutes of start time. Which means that everyone tends to try and be on the road from 6:45-7 or 7:45-8.
In my time i've become a pro at trying to rectify my sleep schedule. The great horror is that it tends to involve days of trying to stay up just a little longer.... hours of fatigue ridden days... unproductive.
No joy for the weary.
I used to love getting up early, I still do. When I was a finish carpenter, finish carpenters get up early, we used to get up at like 3 or 4 in the morning and get to work at 5am. Carpenters work in shops that are climate controlled, their work is dependent on nothing but getting things done so there is no reason to be at work at a specific time. So you get up early and get it done. When not working overtime you are done by 1 and fall asleep by 9pm.
There was a time when I was working onsite and we started at 7am, people were amazed when I showed up at 6:30. I've also learned over the years that if you commute leaving 5 or 10 minutes early gets you to work 15-30 minutes early. Most people tend to try and get to work within 5 minutes of start time. Which means that everyone tends to try and be on the road from 6:45-7 or 7:45-8.
In my time i've become a pro at trying to rectify my sleep schedule. The great horror is that it tends to involve days of trying to stay up just a little longer.... hours of fatigue ridden days... unproductive.
No joy for the weary.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
God be Praised
My prayers be answered and I managed to get a few more hours of sleep. I can now start my day like a fairly normal person. I'm hoping to get a sort of walk in this morning. Maybe that can wake me up and make this a truly amazing and productive day.
God is great!*snark*
God is great!*snark*
Three
I just want Three more hours of sleep. I would like to wake up in the Morning Three to Four AM and be refreshed and ready to start another day. I know refreshed is a Huge request.....
why is it that we wake up in a state of haze, the best we can ask for is to have enough a a panic to our day to hit the ground running. To have our day overtake us before it's full unpleasantness overtakes us. I know it doesn't have to be that way....
It just seems like it sometimes.
why is it that we wake up in a state of haze, the best we can ask for is to have enough a a panic to our day to hit the ground running. To have our day overtake us before it's full unpleasantness overtakes us. I know it doesn't have to be that way....
It just seems like it sometimes.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Last Temptation of St. Valentines.
One of the banes of my continued existence is still relationships. One of the horrors is that when I was 20 there was this very amazing woman who loved me very much. Little did I know that piles of woman seem to only be able to be filled with nonsense.
I imagine a phone call from a friend,
"I'm very miserable. My life sucks.". Showing compassion you talk to them and realize...
"Why you have been strapped to a cross, and are being crucified". I release them, make sure they get food and water. Nurse them back to health.
Then given a few weeks you find that their children and family keep insisting that they get back up on that cross. You suggest that that is a terrible idea. There is no use in being on a cross. It's a bad example and it's not exactly productive.
They continue to struggle with why they shouldn't get back up on that cross. Suddenly there they sit....getting sick again and falling apart.
Well, Why did you do that?
I have to.... Why don't you get up here with me, that will be better.
No it won't.... That would be stupid.... and you walk away.
"Oh... You don't really love...." she says
No, If you cared about me, you wouldn't ask me to get on a cross. You would want to be happy and healthy and not on a cross.
You can try and debate it, but the romans put christ(who doesn't exist) on a cross. Proverbially he was the messiah. I really doubt there is any reason for a person to subject themselves intentionally. It's one thing to do good works that involve sacrifice. Another to strap yourself to a cross and then cry about it.
You can go fuck yourself if you think I care about that shit.
I imagine a phone call from a friend,
"I'm very miserable. My life sucks.". Showing compassion you talk to them and realize...
"Why you have been strapped to a cross, and are being crucified". I release them, make sure they get food and water. Nurse them back to health.
Then given a few weeks you find that their children and family keep insisting that they get back up on that cross. You suggest that that is a terrible idea. There is no use in being on a cross. It's a bad example and it's not exactly productive.
They continue to struggle with why they shouldn't get back up on that cross. Suddenly there they sit....getting sick again and falling apart.
Well, Why did you do that?
I have to.... Why don't you get up here with me, that will be better.
No it won't.... That would be stupid.... and you walk away.
"Oh... You don't really love...." she says
No, If you cared about me, you wouldn't ask me to get on a cross. You would want to be happy and healthy and not on a cross.
You can try and debate it, but the romans put christ(who doesn't exist) on a cross. Proverbially he was the messiah. I really doubt there is any reason for a person to subject themselves intentionally. It's one thing to do good works that involve sacrifice. Another to strap yourself to a cross and then cry about it.
You can go fuck yourself if you think I care about that shit.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
V day
It's that day again. What a vile holiday. It's like being chained to a strange cousin that you don't like for a day. A day where we are all expected to Spend money on jewelry have some kind of romantic date, Do some grand Gesture like hold a boombox outside a window playing Peter Gabriel. Worse have some GF who expects all of that.... And Fear the drama if you fall short of her expectations. All because someone made up a holiday.
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