Duck suffocation

It has been quite some time since I have been able to put together some cohesive thoughts. Worst turning cohesive thoughts into a series of cohesive sentences and paragraphs. One story I rarely mention is when I was in highschool I wrote something for the literary rag. The teacher in charge of it said, "when you write you should have a theme or meaning in what you write. Unless you just want to write pulp fiction. Well I do dig me some Pulp fiction. These words have followed me the rest of my life. "Ahhhh Meaning.... good idea."

I want to watch a documentary about relationships, exploring all the strange dichotomies that relationships present us with. More Sexual relationships, than any other type. I said this this weekend, "It just seems that the single most important thing in life, finding someone and sharing a life with that person, it seems like it should be easier. The single most important thing in life, one would think it would not be so difficult. Maybe everyone else finds it easy, and I'm the only one who struggles but that is what I see out there. We have computers that think and do everything for us... but somehow I can't manage to build a life with someone and fall asleep in a bed with them and wake up the next day recharged enough to look at  the world and say... "lets go" "allonsy" or "another day world.... Let us go another round"

In these thoughts... suddenly I thought "I should do a Documentary, exploring these ideas" and yet... Ya.. mop... just what you need... another thing to do... because the other 30 things you are halfway in the middle of, just aren't enough.

with a little luck, i'm going to try and explore some of these ideas on the blog.

I was in a park about 9 months ago. I watched a male duck dunk and suffocate the female duck under the water then he mated with her. I wondered if that sadistic animal thing ... it was such anathema to how I want my life to be or to my perceptions of reality. I wondered if this was just some kind of strange element to life that I just ... that just isn't in me and I have been blind to, that this maybe was just the normal way ducks mate. Or if the male duck just wore her down... chased her all day and night until she was exhausted and raped her. Which is something we see in our human life.. some predator cornering a woman and attacking her, him even deluding himself into thinking it was just some kind of primal essence of lust. The way she dressed "made him do it" and he sees it beautiful in a Henry and June desperate depraved kind of way. I wonder what I would think of a reread of some Henry miller. The truth being, he cornered her in a parking lot and she just submitted rather than have him beat her... or suffocate her under the water. Submission is not consent.

No wonder this is all so crazy and complicated. When all I want is to wake up in the morning, make some eggs and get back to work.

No wonder woman find it so difficult and frightning. Wanting some love and affection, in a world of sexual assault and violence. Trying to suss out what is healthy from what is normal... normal in a land of duck suffocation.

Fitness

I looked down today and saw some Cycling legs. The lungs hurt,the pace was slow. Starting to feel athletic.

Very hard to say that. I am very tired. I needed some distractions tonight. I couldn't find them. I have been watching 'pump up the volume ' the ultimate poorly written teen angst movie.
Shit well beyond that I don't know what to say.

31 days of riding

Just remember, whatever you do this month with #30 days of riding... I did the same while it was colder and I put in an extra day.

I'm sitting here thinking, yep that gets me in trouble. I honestly wish I read more.

Have I mentioned I have the most awesome bed in the world... I mean seriously... I didn't know you could do all this to a bed. I thought it was all ruffles fill-agree and doily patterns. Of course you ask, Well why is it you are still up at 2am. .. you don't actually want to know. I had a full day, worked my ass off. I have so much to do.

I was sitting here trying to go to bed... I swore I had something to write... but it just didn't hit my fingers as I sat down...

Sorry.

New bed.

It is springtime here on woody creek farm.  Dang I miss HST. If you don't get the reference I wont fault you. You should have heard the Gary oldman joke I made. It took 5 min to tell and 10 to explain.

I have the seed for the birds out. Camping gear is being organized. New pair of trail runners, no idea when I will run again and if you saw my girth..... you would laugh ... we all start somewhere.

I spent most my weekend moving furniture. I scored a full king bed-set its impressive. In love with the comforter. It is making me want that 1000 thread count set of sheets. (Did I just say that?).

I think my point was.... I am exhausted. And we still haven't gotten the planting done.

Up late

I was completely exhausted today, not sure why i'm up late. I seem to be haunted a bit. Not sure by what, some past history. Odd, not sure ... sometimes I feel like I'm picking up where I left off after high school.

One of those nights where you spend hours on the computer wondering about people you used to know. Yet, not exactly wanting to find out.

Wish I knew what kicked off this fit of nostalgia.

Friend

I have a friend who is doing 366 days of photos. this is day 80 or something maybe 82, I'm proud of her. She tried to get me to write something every day. I have been trying. Not very well, we all remember 30 days of blogging. Well, I won... but 366 days is a .. Well it's impressive.

I intend to do better about writing, I miss the old blog.

I want to write something.... I'm not sure what. I'm a huge fan of The walking dead, it and doctor who are about all I watch. Seems like it is going to get more comic book like soon. Not sure if I like that. I both liked and disliked shane... but I both like and dislike many of the characters.

The cusp of 40

As I remember it, I started this blog at 34. Here I am on the cusp of 40... I know you are fucking sick of hearing about it. I just figured it was appropriate to do a blog post.

I have to renew my driver's license, apparently its like applying for CIA clearance. I am not getting into missile silos. This is honestly Big brother... seriously it's just ID to drive a fucking car. Person owns this, may drive a car, person in picture needs to "kind of match" the person in the photo... and you have a small chance it is the same person. But sure enough I need to bring 9 documents that could easily be forged to prove i'm able to fucking drive a car. TELL ME WHAT THE HELL I NEED ID FOR!! SOME FUCKER CAN CHARGE THE SHIT OUT OF MY BANK ACCOUNT AND GET LOANS IN MY FUCKING NAME.... WITH NO FUCKING ID... but... drink a beer or some smokes.... I need Valid 9 verifiable versions of who I am... with a fingerprint blood and retinal match. But to steal my money... NO FUCKING PROBLEM.

That is what is wrong with this world.... everyone is shooting the wrong fucking target. How about a bank fucking ID... that one has all the shit.... and I have to use it to spend my money....

Since I was 18 I have thought about fake ID and how to have and get it.... THE PROBLEM IS IT ISN'T FUCKING USEFULL. Hey... I'm not me.... I'm roger williams... oh... thank god... cause we are after you, not roger williams. Like I say... I dont' even know who I am.... how the fuck could I be someone else...

Let me let you in on a secret... if you were getting into missile silos... there would be special ID... Missile Silo ID. I had a special ID to get into a building I used to work at.... seriously, I needed a different ID just to work somewhere.. My drivers license is good for one thing... to drive.

ok Shane is fucking dead. and if fucking whats her name... hadn't said "the baby may be yours" he would be alive... Ok how fucking days of our lives. they did do an ok job of him going nuts though. .. and I just don't know what I'll do without shane on that show...

40 here I come.

Ride 10

I just ate the most ridiculous thing.... sort of chex mix with jelly beans and M&M... with a cream filled doughnut on top. Ugh... it's one of those things that sound good sort of tastes good... but when you are done.... You feel nasty. Maybe that is why some people puke that stuff up.

I miss the time when I ate soup and veggies and soup for 6 months.... that was nice.... Somehow I am struggling to get back there.

I kind of want to hide right now, the big B-day is coming... I think I'm dealing with it, I don't have any plans... not sure I want any... not sure I don't...

You know what I want... I want to build a Tent fort... One of those ones with blankets... I want to hide and read for a few days... That is what I want for my birthday. Maybe with my bike kit all setup outside so I can just grab it and go for a ride...

all of this I want in southern utah.

Right now I feel like... I have one of those moments where... I don't seem to know where life is taking me... or hell if I'm even on the path... Obviously I'm only where I am... and obviously I'm on the only path around. Somehow I was sitting there asking myself, not only if I'm going in the right direction... if i'm even in the right place in the universe.

I have been feeling like I don't know Like the Universe is barely talking to me... and that I'm just in the wrong parking lot, looking for a car that i'm not even sure I like driving.

ride 8

I would like to start by asking.... "what ever happened to good Oliver Stone movies?" It all went downhill at JFK and that damn born on the fourth of july. Platoon discussed a very interesting Duality.... Somehow he convinced the studio into a 3quil of 1960's movies... ok 4 with "the doors".

But I digress.

Ya, today was a ride like any other ride. I'm happy to be out... unhappy about my life. Just going to say that turning 40.... little to show for it... besides some squirly blog and some squirly friends.

I'm eating like... well ... I'd eat the Oder eater out of a shoe right now... if it was covered in sugar. Bottomless hole I think...

Not the good dreams

I want to remember the Yesterday nights dream.

In my dream I was living in a house every time they fix it it was done substandard... and the house would constantly drip. Sometimes the drip would become a flood.

There was a tiger in the house. The tiger used to drink the dripping water, but the tiger was removed. Now the drip becomes a leak, and it becomes a flood.

I stopped the workmen and insisted that the work be done to reasonable standards.... but it is a long process.

Some day I will put some images to my posts.

Meaning: Well my guess is that it is about poor coping strategies. House being a metaphor for the person. Removing the old ways of "getting along" and building a strong and decent 'Home' ... The dripping is probably crying.

Ride 7

31 days of cycling.

Well this isn't' all that interesting

Ride six I forgot to blog about... because well it was like every other ride.... because it was.

I did decide that it's not particularly cycling fatigue, it't more laundry fatigue. 2-3 layers in the washer and dryer every day.

ride that almost was

Ride number 5

I was hoping for an hour and a half. I turned into the headwind and rode 1 mile and almost turned back... I said... "this sucks but I can at least go out two and a half".

It is an amazing day out there... but I'm effing tired.

Mop Mopinator, Getting chicked for 2 decades.

Ride 4 31 days of cycling.

I went out on sunday, I was just doing my Usual run. What I like to call the Mopinator Crit. Which goes near Eborn's house. 2 miles from home I saw Nancy on her bike, and whipped around and caught on. Of course her and two other serious woman cyclists.

Chatting with them I realized that everyone makes jokes on the bike, especially about the other cyclists. When I caught them they were putting the hurt on 3 super Clydesdales and some other guy had apparently caught their wheel, who didn't bother to chat with them. It's funny, I had no problem holding their wheel, but that guy ended up pulling right off. It's interesting how it's hard to gauge people's fitness.

As the girls joked.... ."the problem is, no men like to get 'chicked' on a bike". It's probably part of my character, but i'm not as competitive as most cyclists. Probably why I don't race... getting beat is probably just another day for me... won't exactly upset me or inspire me to do better.

30 days of hell. oops 31

Well, I decided that my poor fitness was going to require 30 days of fitness. I did this on a lark 2 years ago. I liked it a lot. One thing that you do learn is how important that rest day is. Even that coffee ride is just a little too much.

I think this is about 2 weeks of regular riding. It's all starting to blur together. My head is still in a terrible place. Just ... Too much. If there is this line where you are dealing with too much crazy bullshit. I have no margin of error, if one(additional) tiny thing starts to go wrong, I start spiraling out of control.

Ride one I was going to just spin around the block. There was a ton of snow and I was nervous, but the weather felt fine and I started and decided to give it some miles.

Ride two was the same thing. I did look out and decide the weather was nice enough to do a real ride. It was nice to get out, but I am exhausted, its been a nasty week.

Encounters of the third kind

3 odd years ago, I started a journey. Pardon me, I feel absolutely sick right now. Not the kind of sick where you have a cold or the flu for a few days. Sick as though I'm casting off some serious demons, sick as though i'm transitioning from one life to another. From what was to what is going to be. You may ask, "where have you been mop?". Well for the past 3 years it's been a bit of a journey, experiencing an aspect of life which most of us want to pretend doesn't exist. Some time ago I may have mentioned how I was learning about why woman didn't feel safe, why people are afraid of people or men or things around them. Over the past 3 years I have learned much about why.

Many of you have wondered why I have been so interested in the Josh Powell story. There was a point where his father came out and started talking delusional about Susan and started calling her a whore. Over the past years, I've learned that these are hallmarks of a Pervert.... a Child Molesting pervert. For the past few years, I have spent way too much time in Anti-denial about the perverts that live in our midst... and the way they talk and live, and how they get away with what they do.... and your denial helps.

So, where have I been? well I have had a few years of experiences, First hand experiences dealing with various perverts.... it's funny when you manage to see them and realize that they are real... and are around us all the time..... and what to do about them... how to deal with them and how to handle them.... and how not to handle them.

Here I sit, I feel like someone who has been off to war and has had a few days of rest and restoration/recreation. I feel more like I want to puke than .... restored.

I guess more on this later....

Feeling a bit wibily woboly

I am not sure how to start. I am feeling lousy. That big 40 is coming. It seems to be part of what has me down. Evaluating my life at 40. My lack of exercise at 40. My lack of a decent life at 40. Lack of real love at 40...... fun fun fun.... going to lay in bed for a few extra minutes ...

Valentines duality....

I was reflecting on the possible dichotomy between Valentines and Single Awareness day.

My entire life I have always felt like Valentines should be like it was when we were kids where everyone got a valentines, and we picked through a box and tried to apply our feelings to each other from a box of pre-made valentines... giving those extra special ones to those extra special people.

As I was reflecting on it and was reading about how many people see Single Awareness day. As either a Celebration of being single or a desire to be counted on a day that points out your misery at being single( it is called SAD ). It made me realize how this holiday which should be about love, seems to have become about cards and about being in love with your significant other.

It seems like what could be a nice holiday about our affection for each other... like many holidays it's become about our feelings about our self and maybe about our own self loathing and insecurities. Maybe next year I will remember and just share that deep and innocent love and caring for each-other. Here is to next year...

Wake at ass crack :30... what do I do at asscrack :30

That is the problem with getting up, you have to do something. I guess one of the things to do is get up and figure out, What to do.

Oh, Fun.... sit and blog this.... I'm hoping it goes somewhere.

I'll bet some coffee will help. Of course .. I made me a big breakfast; biscuits, sausage, eggs with Salt Cod.

Posting something

I had some very important thoughts to post.... then they ran out... I want some good sleep and a calm life....

More commercial culture

I was watching something on Hulu... apparently i'm expected to watch all the Superbowl commercials and Pick my favorite. It's apparently what all the cool kids are doing.

If this doesn't solidly encapsulate significant portions of what is wrong with us and what passes for our culture... I don't know what does.