Keep fighting!!!

Today felt like one of those days where it’s all a little overwhelming. I worked my ass off and will keep doing so. Sometimes it just feels like it’s all going nowhere. The wheels are moving, but I’m still staying in the same place.

It seems obvious by all objective standards that things are getting better. I have this charming woman, who continues to be at my side. Progress seems to be … Being made. But time ticks on, fall is here… Can’t deny it anymore. Still plenty of good riding and wonderful weather.

The rational side of me says “Things can only progress so quickly, don’t expect miracles in just a few months. It’s all a process that will go on forever… Life is a Journey, not a destination.” There is still that part of me what wants a magic wand waved, and for all of it to just magically change.

Well…. More work tomorrow… Keep Fighting!!!!

Some Blogging

I'm sitting here, I should be going to bed. Or Getting to bed... I am going to bed... but I should get there.

Thing are good with my Girlfriend, I'd say she tends to freak out a bit. It's ok... It's not a problem. I am trying hard to not Blog this part of my life. I would say that it's more than good..... It's actually Great. I'm very happy about it. I got her bike fixed, there are still some wonky issues I want to straighten out... some small stuff. It's funny how Anal I'm becoming about bikes, I'm actually very Anal about my workshop right now. ... but The bikes should work perfect.... Like a Ninja could ride it to kill someone. I also think that a few bike mechanics took advantage... there were some weird part combinations. Also somehow she ended up with silver and black front cainrings... and she said they had never been replaced... Odd that they would come that way from the factory.

One of these was the new chain, the other was the old... cut to the same number of links.

I have a good sense for what is going on "Globally" Emotionally... See I think that all emotions affect each-other. I make you angry, you make someone else angry..... etc.... so some emotions tend to spread... and the last 2 weeks have been kind of nasty. I had 2 different people have Melt downs in the past weeks, Then today I had another..... It's a trend.

Somebody said "The struggle is Life.... Life is a Struggle"... that is probably correct. Seems like some people struggle more than others. Seems like some people are victimizers some people....

It's interesting, One huge mistake is to think that you know what .... To think you know what someone else is saying... or what they are doing... what their motivation is.... or what their goal is.

I once talked about this as "Subtext". Many people think they Hear Subtext in what people are saying.... and it's true some people talk in Subtext... they imply things through what they say... The problem is when you are not direct... to not live with "Clear intent" as the Buddhists call it. Things are hard enough without being direct.... What you imply and what I infer.... can be totally different things. For the most part.... If i'm to cowardly to say it, and just imply it.... you should feel free to ignore it. See... I may even "imply" something that is unfair... because I can deny it. Also... I may just Imply it so that .... I'm covered "just in case"

For example:

You are being a Dick.....

I imply that you might be being a dick....

if you are being a dick... you may realize that I know it... then knock it off.

You also may not be being a dick... in which case... I'd hope you ignore it.

On my part... ya... I'm not living with clear intent....

And the problem is you may take offence to what I'm implying..... assuming you infer it correctly...

but seriously I can say to most people "Jesus You are a Dick" and most people will just blow it off... especially the dicks. So... If I imply it... people are 10 times as clueless...

All of this just leads to miscommunication...

Let alone when I just did something.... and didn't want to imply anything with it.....

"I just moved your shirt because it was in my way.... I wasn't saying you are a fucking slob"

Truthfully I know you are a slob... but WTF do I care... just move your fucking shirt.

I guess what I'm saying is.... Tons of people keep freaking out..... Knock it off...

And life is too short... Love a little...

Long Time....

Busy Busy Busy....

I actually should be doing a computer project this evening.... But it will wait... Maybe at the crack of dawn.

I've been working my ass off.... I wish it was making me rich.... but hopefully some decent money will come soon, it's silly to think about "Rich". I'm really enjoying work these days.

I guess last time we talked I was doing the post Melt down from the GF trying to break up with me. It's been very nice.... More amazing than, i've been able to even Dream for many years. Things can be difficult, every once in a while there are hickups. She may read this... Or she will read this, But... She said "We Fight".... Which isn't true, we have fought, but it's more She Freaks out.... sometimes just because I withdraw because I'm having a bad day or two. I'm big on "to do" lists.... I keep wanting to tell her... "Seriously 'Breaking up' " is not on my To Do list.... So it just isn't happening....

One of the interesting thoughts going around in my head is ... In the "Shit is going to change, or something is going to get Broke"... Well, I've started to notice how people rebel at the sight of work, or other people working. I think they get all tense, and feel guilty because they are sitting on their ass. I also noticed that, It makes them angry. For the most part I never care what other people are doing, until they get me involved. That is the trick.... If you are going to do nothing... you need to do some work.... because your Lazyness Causes other people to step in and deal with things you aren't willing to do. It's fine as long as you don't mind when someone pushes your 78 Firebird out from the middle of the road where it fell when it rolled off it's Blocks.

The problem is.... when you get upset about how someone moved your shit out of the way. Wow... this doesn't feel like a very developed concept...

What I'm getting at... is that If you arn't going to do anything... you need to accept it when other people do..... Your inaction forces other people do deal with it. Not in a vindictive way.... It's just "I'm sorry I moved your rusted Piece of shit.... but I had to..... and you don't get to complain about where I put it."

I waxed my nephue's car... So... when you wax a car... the right way... Wax can get on the windows, and you have to clean them after.... SO after I waxed washed and cleaned the interior of his car... He was pissed off, because he had to clean his windows.... I told him he needed to do it..... But somehow he figured he would get "Victim Status" by complaining about it... Not realizing that with the exception of Cleaning his carpets and glass(the easy part), I had completely detailed his car.. But I'm the dick...

Let me just add, There have been several incidents over the past 6 months of this.... Where some Douchbag, who usually thinks they can get away with some asshatery has gotten "The Hammer" ... I just... You know.... Why Get in my Grill.... I know that in order to make an omelet I have to break some eggs..... I'm not afraid to Crack you like an egg.

I also never really understood the conservative complaint about "Victim status" ... until now. I will certainly agree that it is "Weak Sauce".... but it does seem like some people are all about trying to waist everyones time trying to convince everyone that they are a victim. Then start using people.. Seems to be Mostly Middle aged white Males.... as opposed to ... Black and Hispanic woman with children.

Maybe it is just "White Males" who get away with it. Let me also say that most of them need to have been told No a few more times in their lives....

I don't know...

I'm tired...

The pictures are Jam I've been doing.

Habanero Peach Jam

I picked up some Peaches from Brigham City, and threw this together. This one is actually hotter than my other Habanero Jams. And it has a nice deep Rich Flavor from some other ingredients. Organic, Vegan, Wheat Free, Gluten Free, Unbleached Cane Sugar. No Dies or Chemicals. Fruit and Pectin.

I will try and avoid marketing here... But I'm very tempted to sell this stuff on E-Bay and Etsy

update update

It's not the best thing to ... Blog real life.

So.... apparently we had some kind of misunderstanding. I was trying to get some stuff done, and not feeling at the top of my game, and this great woman i'm dating thought I was breaking up with her.... Then it all escalated... she wanted her bike back... etc....

I figured she was breaking up with me, she figured the same thing about me.... I aparently didn't respond to her asking me in an email if we were breaking up....

it was a whole thing....

Lack of communication in the modern digital age.

I really care about her... and even worse this whole thing tore us both up...

We must like each-other.

Paint layer 9

this is my MAME project Multipul Arcade Machine Emulator. Cocktail Version.

Because we all need Cock-Tale-s

Update

Well... Here it is Some 9 months later, after trying to do Anything I can to Change my life...

Here is the updated.

• I can't take a decent shower.
• My Living conditions are Worse
• I've spent way too much money
• At this moment I'm as miserable as I've been.... Well this is in the top 5... If not worst. Fantastic.....
• And the Cherry..... GF broke up with me.

HTFU... I guess. Ten tons of work for nothing.... For Regress!!

I guess I better shut up and get to work.... If i'm lucky in 9 more months of hard work... I can be homeless. They say... when you are stuck in a hole... Stop Digging.. I'm not sure that is going to work, Going back to being a victim in my life...

I guess there were some good times.

If you don't realize why I've been so quiet.... this is why.

Fuck!!!

Update

Well.... Let me just start by saying how fond I am of this woman I'm dating. It is very much making the hard and difficult parts of life easier.

I've been very quiet on the "Social Networking" front. I'm so packed full of shit to do right now. It's hard to find time for everything.

Now Onto The stuff

I guess some of us never work on enlightenment. The concept is this, if you can understand yourself you can understand others and it helps to understand the world. If you don't realize how we fool ourselves.... How you fool you.... you can't even start.

Hustlers of the world, there is one Mark you cannot beat: The Mark Inside. - William S. Burroughs

Honestly, if you aren't aware of your own foolishness... your own ways you defeat yourself... the ways you lie to yourself...

Well you are fucked... and you are Clueless. As someone said to me, You are a Pinball person... You act you React.... That is it... You are an Animal... a Beast... a Slave to your instincts and random Fluid production.... Saliva Semen.... Shit Piss...

Inter faeces et uriname nascimur (Between Shit and piss we are born)

St. Augustine

The Awake, The Asleep, And The Dead...

If you aren't constantly fighting your own lies.... someone else has to fight them for you.... And you are probably one of "The Dead"

Authority...

I had another encounter this morning... Like many people, I was able to access beverages on the Tour of utah's hospitality, this weekend.

This morning.... it was seriously a "Race start" which means... Nothing is going on; but a sign in warm ups and a little parade. At Race starts, it's one place where you will guarantee yourself the inability to see any "Racing"..

But... It was early, and I was out late, I went for a cup of TOFU coffee, and got hand slapped... Ok.... sure I deserve a good hand slap... for many things... I'll admit it. But... It's rare that I get one for getting a cup of shitty coffee.

There was some woman "Cock Blocking" the coffee.

me, "I just want a cup of coffee"

her, "Do you have a pass"

me, "Yes"

ok at this point my cup of coffee was full.

Her, "that pass was for yesterday"

Me, "Nope, its for today and yesterday, that is how they broke them down." Both Park City events for my pass, are the same one.

Her, "Really, they don't tell me anything"

Me, "sure, read it.... bla bla bla sunday morning"

Her, "ya, they dont' tell me anything"

me, "if you don't know anything, why did you stop me? I mean sure.....But All you have is coffee and some shitty day old Danish. Seriously... nobody important is coming this morning, they are tired, and are going to snowbird. Only the True believers are here at the start. AND SERIOUSLY... ITS A CUP OF GOD DAMN COFFEE i DRINK 40 OF THEM A DAY... SURE STARBUCKS SELLS THEM LIKE THEY ARE MADE OF GOLD.... BUT FUCK.... i DRINK TWO POTS A DAY..... AND IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF MY WAY... I'LL CHEW YOUR FUCKING ARM OFF!!!!"

(OK, i'm embellishing here... I just wanted to kill her for Cock Blocking me from the coffee... and from the look of her... she needed to stop with the cock blocking and let a few in!!!)

after this incident, I had watched and I didn't see anyone else able to get coffee. I do suspect that the coffee at the start of the event was ..... ornamental only.

Quest for Status

For the most part I've grown up here. I have never been a big fan of Park City... The problem is 'I don't get it'.

Me, 'What are you up to?'

Them, 'i'm going to park city'

me, 'why what are you going to do?'

them, (there are two options here)

Either; 'Going to the outlet stores'

or

'Going to the bar'

Me,

"why would you do that? are the outlet stores a good deal?"

or
"But if you drink up there, it's another hour to get home?"

Them,

"Not really a good deal"

Or

"well, if we need to we can stay"

me, "Well why would you do that?"

Them, "Well it's fun!"

me, "you can shop on the internet and get a better deal" or "But there are better bars here"

them, "But that isn't as much fun."

So, i've been to both these activities.... and seriously it's the same shit both places.

This reminds me of the old "Condo at Snowbird" trick.

Me, "Hey, what are you doing this weekend."

them, "oh, me and the family have a 'Condo at Snowbird' "

When I was young this sounded impressive. Until you get invited up to visit the "Condo". I realized that "Condo" meant Time share on a hotel room. Worse, sitting in the "Hotel Room" you can browse the Pricing for "Condo at Snowbird" and when I was 16 it was a few grand for maybe a couple weekends over the summer.... and NO weekends over the winter.

Knowing me, I'm an asshole so there I am sitting in the "Condo at Snowbird".

I say, "But this is like a Hotel Room"

them, "But it's at snowbird."

me, "but there is just a pool, and a bad one at that, and some overpriced food."

Them, "But it's up in the cool air"

Me, "but I could get a hotel room in Salt lake for $30 and drive up here... and still go to a better pool, not paying $500 per weekend"

Them, "you just don't get it"

Me, "nope"

See to me its paying in order to say "Condo At Snowbird".

Last night after the crit, some bozo was trying to get me to get some rooms in Park city for $40, which isn't that bad a deal. I imagine I could pull off a weekend for $60 or something. I imagine there could have been a catch. Truth is, they were trying to sell me the opertunity to say "Spending the weekend in Park City"

So, the start of Stage 5 was at the "Newpark Hotel" in "Park City" or "Deer Vally" whichever you wanted to say. As I sat there, watching the race stage, It occurred to me that the Newpark hotel, which I'm sure is one of the places I could have stayed for my "Deal to stay in parkcity"... is more a Hotel on the interstate, attached to a strip-mall/Outlet mall(with american-Bistro-like-synthetic coffee shops). than it was "Staying in Park City".

It must be me.... cause I just don't get it... I guess from a couple's standpoint.... it's hotter to have sex in a new place, than the old one.... maybe that is the point. But seriously... I think I can stay at a hotel on just about any interstate... I mean... I'd like one near something Awesome, like The world's largest Ball of Twine, or The largest Bowling ally in the world.... now that would be Awesome.

Please let the Bear/Bull/Hammer Return!!!

For those that follow, it's been an aggressive year for El Mopo. It's very important for me to be making progress and being Productive. So far it's been a good year.

The last few weeks have been a different story. In fact i'm not sure if it's been Two bad weeks or Three, that is how bad it's been. Sure I could try and look back and figure it out... but What if it's been three... I'm trying not to think about it.

It now seems like I have either some kind of cold or allergies or The dust in my bedroom seems to be getting to me. It's hard to figure out which... I just know it sucks, and is hard to breath, but not here in the room seems to feel better.

It all started with a project I didn't want to do. Some Nitwit said "Lets do this"...

I said, "no, Bad Idea"

they said "No Really!! this is a great idea"

I said, "No Seriously You don't have it in you to do what you need to do. I have enough crap going on I can't bail you out of it if it goes bad."

they said, "But it's important."

I said, "That doesn't mean that it's not Impossible."

They said, "No Really, we can do it."

I said, " I think the We... is Heavily Dependant on ME! I don't think it can be done."

They said, "I insist."

Well that project has gone sideways ever since, and worse there is almost no profit potential for me, and plenty of Emotional Loss involved. Which was my reservation... High Risk, No Reward.... It's called FUCKING STUPID!

To top it all off On tuesday My GF's bike went south. Of course this is all very similar, a few weeks ago she said "I think I'm going to do the maintenance on my own bike." Which sounded suspiciously like "You should fix my bike for me.".

She says "Can we look at my bike."

Me, "When?"

Her "I'm very busy! You take it, I'll come over later."

Me, "Right"

The front of the drive train is wonky, the front chainrings want to follow the Rear. Big cogs it wants to be in the Small Chainring, Middle Cogs it wants to be in the middle, Small Cogs it wants to be in the Big Chainring. and if it's not it skips. I know my bike doesn't do that. It makes the most sense that it's the Chain, and that it's warn out. But it could be the Front Rings....

Right, The Front Dérailleurs are for CHANGING not holding it in Gear?

Maybe a fresh look in the morning....

But seriously, it's taking too much time and it's just punting the replacement of most of the drivetrane which is all a mix of shimano 9 components. Tiagra, Ultegra, 105, and a SRAM cassette... anyone spell KLUDGE?.

And all of this..... and what I really need... what the Heavens need to open up for me... is about 4 weeks of Really good work.

Welll *cough cough cough Sneeze Snot Hack Phlem*

It's hard to get Psyched about TOFU.... Sorry Kids.... I am following...

Go T-mac!!!! I think about him all the time... and he was a ton of fun last year at TOFU... He is missed...

HTFU 2

Today was a nasty day. I'm not psyched about whining about it. Some days I feel like I have no ability to accomplish anything, of course my horrible sinuses didn't help.

I took a few naps, called it a sick day. Bla Bla bla......

I do seem to be feeling better. I'm at that point where I can't stand the idea of laying down and watching a movie.....

Ya.... Well HTFU... Or whining about it is all I have...

Here is to a better tomorrow.

HTFU. Sometimes you are a Super Hero, Sometimes

You are just a dork in tight clothing and a stupid hat. After a month of trying to make it over the north side of Suncrest then up Alpine loop. I finally made the journey last saturday. That was nice, but after getting dropped on the climb up suncrest by 100 yards, and having some SkiUtah Couple smoke me up Alpine, I didn't exactly feel like the hammer.

It's been a long few weeks.... Seriously Long. Like I've been saying, shit is going to change or Something is going to break. Well, things are close to the breaking point. I tell you what, there is nothing like an understanding Girlfriend, who says "Listen Buster!!! Don't you Withdraw from me! Tell me about it, so I can help! or at least give you a hug!"

Of course none of that makes things .... easy, right now. It does help. I guess it is time to do what I can to create a more Stable life, or a more stable.... day to day existence. hmmm... I guess I'm going to try and get in a pattern of writing every day. I'm not sure i've said it, but I want to try and write something and get it published. I'd at least like to start by writing something that I'd like to "Submit" for publication. I guess that is the first step. Sure it will get rejected or whatever, but it sounds like fun. Quite a few people tell me that though i'm almost functionally illiterate, with my writing, I can turn a phrase from time to time.

I may have a sinus infection.... See how well I write!!!

Tour of utah starts tomorrow. Ya... I don't have much planned, I'm not even sure how much i'll manage to watch. Kill it guys!!!

Leap into uncertainty

Well, I've been enjoying this 'leap into uncertainty' thing.

I rode Big Cottonwood tuesday night, and I'm not sure I ate enough. It's taken a ton of feeding to recover. Of course blowing through 2k calories in addition to ones usual daily burn. It's kind of a big ride and I'm not sure I realize it yet.

shit..... this is all I have....

I'm trying.

Compression socks

I was against them as cyclist Hokum.... but I'm starting to warm up to them

Hello Blog

I'm not sure what I'm going to write. A little insomnia, I'm completely worked. Sore legs... the whole bit. I took a few more Ibuprofen hopefully that will help. Either that or there is an impending Crap. Sure, there is always an impending crap... I just mean one in the next hour.

I wish I knew what was keeping me up. There were thoughts about old jobs... Old projects. Usually there is some thread some "Unresolved thing". This was about turkeys. It was thanksgiving and they gave us frozen turkeys. They had them in the Break room in the refrigerator or freezer. I didn't grab mine because... well if it was sitting in my car it wouldn't be refrigerated. I left it and some schumuck grabbed it(Probably the Supervisor). So they ordered some more, and said "Well if we don't eat them, we will donate them to the shelter."... When the new ones showed up I said "Ya, I'm good with mine going to a shelter." At thanksgiving the grocery stores just about give away turkeys. $3 for a whole bird. Well some schumuck grabbed all of them again(Probably the supervisor). Suddenly they wanted to get more(probably the supervisor). So I'm sure he had 12 of them in his trunk. I hope they made him sick, not being refrigerated for the rest of the shift.

And that was keeping me awake...... There were some other things.. but just about as lame.

Umn... I made a comment about how I wanted my life to be different. I guess all the blog readers know this. It's certainly more than having a Great Girlfriend... Which I have BTW... and I'm not just sucking up because she reads this.... I promise.

I don't.... WANT.... I gave that up years ago. I know that what ever we get... is going to be different than what we want. So why bother.... I don't know... seems like at one point... at this point I gave up... just a bit. It seems like that "Wanting" is what drives most people. I just think it's pointless.

Well, I'm going to try and go back to bed... or take that crap I was talking about. The Gardie Jackson thing was super funny... Great that it was so important for him to keep saying "This is all a Joke"... I mean seriously... we( or someone else) show him all that love... and he thinks it's a joke... (see, now this is a joke). And seriously Sandy... Put some conditioner in your hair, get some Color in there... and you could be brothers.

The Blog

Here I am... no sleep at 1:30am. It's something I ate. I fell asleep at 10 and woke up at 11:30. That didn't help. With the indigestion, it's some of the old worries. Like I say, "No matter where you go, there you are.".

My Girlfriend is nice.... I keep calling her The Girlfriend, that is kind of disconnected and fucked up but appropriate for the blog not for Real life.

I'm not sure where the blog is going, I'm not psyched about Killing it or anything. I'm not sure I've said it but I still want to try and write something and get it published. My Girlfriend Knows about the blog... so it's hard to write anything.... I can't write my personal feelings, she wouldn't appreciate my writing my/our Intimate stuff down and sharing it with you people. Worse, if I write something I'll get an early morning phone call.

I know I am not comfortable with it. Point being, i'm not sure where the blog is going... It's going somewhere, Just not sure where.

It's still a good place to write my flights of fancy, when I have them.... about Meeting porn stars riding up Big Cottonwood.... If it truly did happen or not.... or maybe I just remembered some dude from College or High School... and decided to suspect the reason I was familiar with them... was because they were a porn star and not someone who sat across the room in math class....

I've been playing with blip.fm Wow... you think Twitter or facebook are messed up.... imagine people trying to socially network using music... it's madness.

But You know.....

Well, I have a big morning...

I need to lay down and ....

pretend I can sleep..

Maybe this time

ho hum

long time no see blog.

Not sure I can do this..... hmmmm.

I woke up early and sucked down a ton of pancakes and rode suncrest. 2:30 from here and back that is good time. it's roughly 2 hours to butterfield and back with no climbing. 4 hours from here to Millcreek or Big Cottonwood...

So... some good riding...

well... I think that is all I want to report right now..... Wish it was more interesting.....

fuck...

Need to

try and hold 600+ watts for longer than 30 seconds.

Descents and the lane

Many years ago.... I learned that "Sometimes you have to take the lane". There are times where you don't have a shoulder, or that the lanes are thin or that the last thing you want is for a car to try and pass you at 40MPH with you on the shoulder, since there might also be some big pot hole in the road that you have to swerve around, and you don't want to get nailed at 40 MPH....

So... what do you do..... You aggressively take the lane. At the speed limit hopefully or damn near.... You take the lane.... Aggressively... you OWN IT!.... say to any cars that want to pass.... NO!!! I am here and you will only pass in the passing lane. I am a Bike and I deserve RESPECT... I'm at or near the speed limit..... YOU WILL NOT SQUEEZE ME, INTO THE SHOULDER. You will not push me INTO THE DIRT..... I obey the Laws of the Road... I deserve to ride in the road.

The thing I hate..... is being Stalked by a car.... So sure if a car gets behind me and wants to pass... I wait for the right time..... the right time FOR ME! and I Yield...

Worse is to be Stalked by cars for 3 miles on a descent..... I'll even pull off if I that happens. I do not trust having cars behind me..... and they are dangerous and crazy but ... there is nothing like being swooshed at 45 mph... with 6 inches of shoulder.

There is this descent, and for the longest time I could pull the speed limit 35MPH if I pushed it. and I would ride the shoulder, and at the right turn lane I'd have cars try and hit me... or squeeze me with 3 inches of shoulder. I'd have cars pass me at 45mph just to prove that they were better than a bike in their stink mobile. All of this ended, when I started to "TAKE THE LANE"... I didn't give them an option... that and I started doing the descent at 40mph and taking the whole lane.... sure enough... it all stopped.... and things were safe... and the world was good.....

because instead of being timid.... I took the lane and put an end to the Shitmobile horseshit... Seriously.... Take the lane!!!