The dream

I'm still tripping on the idea of "the dream" that "H.I." had in Razing Arizona.

  In my dream, I always thought I would make the best floor sweeper at a telescope. I guess what would be fun  is for it to be in the high mountains then I could cycle to it. In the back of my mind... I've always felt as though I could fall back on my sweeping skills. There is a documentary on Hulu about the janitors at some of the major universities. It's interesting... the idea of the garage mechanic philosopher... but what other types of philosophers are there?

In the better dream... I'm remodeling a house. I work in either astro-physics or theoretical physics. I like the idea I work in Theoretical physics, but then help someone else with their observations from a telescope. I imagine that nobody goes to telescopes anymore. I'm sure it's all available to look at from a laptop, images downloaded from the observatory. I think I hold onto the romantic notion of the long trek to the top of a mountain, not that I would smoke a pipe... but sitting there pipe in hand looking through the viewer... Imagining life in the far reaches of the universe.  Like the image of Norman Rockwell... in his self portrait... but me kicked back, feet up, filled with imagination.... alone in the solitude at the top of a mountain.

I continue to remodel my house, contemplating the interaction of various magical waves trying to understand the  cross relationship between our tactile understanding of the world, and the strange and wondrous magic that is our attempts to understand and struggle with the actual mechanics. One of my great contributions being the misunderstanding of the physics community by referring to gravity as a weak force... showing the ignorance and lack of multi-dimensional understanding of the effects, and proving it to be the single greatest and most important force in existence. Then I have moved off to some theories about how dark matter ties is linked to what one could refer to as the fabric of the universe.

My wife loves me, she is busy with her life we see each other regularly... but always miss each other, time together is cherished and we can quickly catch up, in a few moments of conversation and affection. We find time together to work on the house and the garden. Everything in our home is well organized, and we both do a great job of teasing each other in well natured ways... about where the best place for the hand tools need to be. We had considered a divorce when, an argument over if the garden gloves needed to be in a crate and shelf out side, or a drawer in the workshop.... but we worked it out.... things are much happier now, that this has been resolved by having them in both places.

And real life goes on...

I like to call it "Emotional Instability". I was watching Donnie Darko, he says "Emotional problems, I have those. What kind does your father have?"

   A tale of 2 people... a legacy of physical and sexual abuse, passed on from generation to generation. They were both born into it, they didn't make the choice to be born to those parents. Everyone just trying to survive from day to day.... just trying to make it through their day. Everyone scared by it, The walking Wounded so to speak. They talk about the emotional trauma of War, the Trauma of killing or being killed. People around you, here today gone tomorrow. There is nothing like the Truama of a father Betraying a child, The person who is suppposed to protect you, to love you. Taking advantage of you. Either by Hitting you, or by committing the most narcissistic of crimes, using ones child for their own pleasure... sadistic or not. Violated in the one place a child should feel safest. I imagine most would rather be dead, rather be in war.

The tragedy in the tale... as is in that cycle... the tragedy is the children.  Having both parents struggle with being lucid, not sure what reality anyone is in. Dad the loving father reading christmas books or the father terrorizing his children in their beds. A mother unsure of what is going on, too afraid to find out, to ask or to look. A mother also sliding from reality to reality... struggling with her history of abuse. "Is this what love is? Is this what Sex is supposed to be? Dutiful submission. Masochistic toil? If I do these things... will it satisfy him, will he stop hurting the kids?

I have never understood religion, I don't need redemption. I haven't done anything. I live by the rules, I have a momentary laps and J-walk. I have trespassed. I once stole a candybar, but only for the thrill. This is not the same thing most people go to church for. It frightens me, to be in that place. To be in a place where people NEED salvation from the things they have done. Maybe I will go to hell for my candybar theft without confession, I doubt it. If there is Heaven I don't want to be there with those that sit in church. I will say, I don't want to sit in church with someone who needs salvation. I know it is judgemental, I get that in many ways they are powerless... so are the victims. There are many victims that never lift a finger, never lift a hand to their children... but who suffered none the less. I can decide to not sit in the same room with those that do need salvation. I would also add that salvation will never come by shoving your hands together and hoping. Like they say, even a miracle needs a hand. The worst part, when the religious Zellot decides... well if god isn't answering, then it must be what he intends. God must want it to happen, or he would stop it/me.

Imagine growing up in a household created by two very desperate emotionally unstable people, both hoping that god will provide and help to created a decent life for their kids. Children growing up with two parents who lack any form of lucidity or consistency, both who struggle with reality. Those children struggling in these realities, just trying to get the food/warmth/love that they so disparately need... in a place where those things are in short supply.

To quote Joseph Conrad ""The Horror! The Horror!," 

Inability to self sooth.

what is self soothing.... it's a relief from anxiety. there is a source of anxiety... and you can't resolve it. So... you have to find a way to relieve... temporarily... the anxiety. Bike rides tend to be useful, it's not quite working for me. some people take hot showers, some people eat, some people cut into their arms or self hurt....

Inability to self sooth

Insomnia

... suffering some. My brain is trying to sort out the things that have happened over the past year. It's like the librarian grabbing half the stuff on the shelves and trying to resort it. It takes a while.

It isn't that I'm not sleeping, its that i'm not sleeping at the correct times. I have been sleeping most of the morning away. What, as everyone says you must do is force yourself to be awake. The problem is that the dysfunction that comes with the insomnia, is a lack of productivity. One starts falling behind. I did manage to get a ton of work done from noon to 9pm at night, with my sleep schedule. At least I was getting stuff done. Yesterday, it was irrigation day. I stayed up most of the day and managed a couple short naps, but I was worthless for most of the day in any real terms. I hoped that I would fall asleep tonight and wake up at something nice like 5-7am.... but no dice... my body stuck to the schedule it knows... I woke up at midnight and have been up ever since. now as dawn breaks... fatigue is taking me.... ugh... maybe 2 more hours of sleep will do the trick.

and why do I tell you about this.... Ya... I don't know. The worst part is laying in the dark... having the thoughts I haven't allowed myself in a year. I'm also thinking about what my life is going to look like from now on. These are some heavy thoughts. For reasons I can't remember, I knew I was holding back on this stuff and had been not processing these thoughts for a few months. It was driving me up a wall. I will probably spend the next 3 months going through it all. I just wish I could do it on a few more hours of sleep.... I need to get some stuff done.

Filling the void

... I have mentioned that it has been a tough year and a little bit.

In what has been a tough time, there is this hole in me that has needed to be filled. I made some mistakes by giving up my comfort to try and sort out and focus on accomplishing some things. In this period of time there has been a void inside me. I have spent tons of time trying to fill it. Some call it, self soothing. Tonight i found myself eating a bowl of ice cream. Would you believe that I chased it down with some tuna and some fresh peas from my garden. Such is life.
   It's hard to know that what I'm doing... eating the ice cream is only a stop-gap and that I need to deal with my life in a more... relevant way. Some people drink beer. some people self harm. I know I actually need to face my problems and do something about them... not to feed my pie hole... until I feel better. The root cause... that is what needs to be dealt with.

of course... sometimes you just need some ice cream..

More... but less

I said I was going to post more. I thought the previous post about duck suffocation was ok, it wasn't great... but it felt good.

I'm trying to be honest. That seems to be helping my writing. I used to have this blog and I could just post anything I felt. It's more difficult now... I can't be as honest because I get phone calls... or messages. Then I spend half of my day explaining things

I'm trying to remember what my decent thoughts today were. My garden is finally in, It's funny it is so stressful. I wonder how farmers used to do it. Probably beat their wives... My head is so full of thoughts on how we bully and hurt and disrupt the growth of our children. I can't get away from it.

This blog post sucks...

Oh.... Ok HTFU.. and Nobody is there for me.

Ok, So... I'm in one of those things right now, Where I feel like nobody is there for me... Like i have burned out all my "Support system". It is that feeling where I feel abandoned. I actually know I'm not... In a way it's that the right people are not there. I joked with a dear friend of mine that she should tell me when i'm supposed to fall back in love with her. She is this very amazing woman, so few know how amazing. Much smarter than I. She lives this quiet peaceful life. I think that was learned, she realized how quiet and peaceful she liked things. I like to imagine that she wakes up as the sun hits her Dawn facing window. In rays of sunlight she wakes up in the morning... rejuvenated cuttled and caressed by the Night. Dawn bringing a perfect morning to her life. There is no room for anyone in that life, or in that perfect morning. She is satisfied by her life... wants nor needs nothing else. She lives Self Satisfied. I love those thoughts.
   One of my Ex Girlfriends said to me "who do you trust"... which was a challenge to me, to ask me... when the chips are down... who is my "Go To"... and more specifically who is the woman I go to in those moments of weakness. Well, she certainly is one of them. But she has this perfect life and morning. I also think that, like my mother... she sort of has this saying.... My mother says..."well, at one point... mamma is all out of milk". There is something we say in cycling... or among us.... it's HTFU... You need to dig in and harden up and move on. ... Mamma is all out of milk.
    Since I like to deal in dichotomies... One of the signs of the Borderline personality disorder, is an inability to "self help". Part of that is being unable to ask for help, or to say something is wrong. My dear Nancy and I  have talked about this. Regardless of what is wrong or if someone can do anything. The thing is, You have to Say it. You have to verbalize it. This is part of making the problem real. So when someone stays to you, Shut up... stop whining about it... We have to remember that it is important to have a kind ear to listen to our problems, regardless of how large or small. There is something about saying it. There is also something to the   unhealthy nature of repressing it. Thinking nobody cares. Yet... sometimes we have to dig in and do something about it. HTFU....
   This balance between HTFU... and being vulnerable to talking about our problems... openly... well it's interesting... at what point do people become frustrated because we have whined about our lack of a decent job or significant relationship for long enough... when we continue to sit on our asses and ride bikes and watch TV... Sit and do nothing about it for too many years. At what point is it worthless whining and not a genuine struggle with our psyche... what point are we an Eeyore who constantly struggles with imposed worthlessness, no point in even listening to anymore. But for most... if they knew any other or any better way... They really would do it. It's like blaming the victim. They don't like being who they are... They just don't know any other way.... They didn't ask for it... nor are they Lazy. They just don't know the way.... And ask... Do you? Are you the pinnacle of a good life? I just saw a thing with Maurice Sendak. He said as he was getting to the end of his life "All artists Get to the end of their life and say 'Is this it? is this all that there was?" I'm not sure I know anyone who has it all figured out, I know a few people who are truly happy. Satisfied in their current life. I have been satisfied in my life. I'm satisfied in my garden, in my work which is how I lead my life. I think, though happy... I still think that the people who are happy still want more. We have learned to be happy with what we have... but... I think we know there is a more complete life. Similar to what "H.I." the Nicholas Cage character in razing Arizona was hoping for of course maybe it is one fence post too high for us... and it's our nature to reach to the limit of our abilities and then constantly bash our heads against the Immovable rock.

Ok, that is all I have... I wish I had the energy to re-read and re-edit this... maybe if I keep my streak of insomnia going... I'll edit it.... anyways... there are only 4 or you reading this anyways.

Sorry, you aren't worth a re-write.... face it.... it's called reality.

Duck suffocation

It has been quite some time since I have been able to put together some cohesive thoughts. Worst turning cohesive thoughts into a series of cohesive sentences and paragraphs. One story I rarely mention is when I was in highschool I wrote something for the literary rag. The teacher in charge of it said, "when you write you should have a theme or meaning in what you write. Unless you just want to write pulp fiction. Well I do dig me some Pulp fiction. These words have followed me the rest of my life. "Ahhhh Meaning.... good idea."

I want to watch a documentary about relationships, exploring all the strange dichotomies that relationships present us with. More Sexual relationships, than any other type. I said this this weekend, "It just seems that the single most important thing in life, finding someone and sharing a life with that person, it seems like it should be easier. The single most important thing in life, one would think it would not be so difficult. Maybe everyone else finds it easy, and I'm the only one who struggles but that is what I see out there. We have computers that think and do everything for us... but somehow I can't manage to build a life with someone and fall asleep in a bed with them and wake up the next day recharged enough to look at  the world and say... "lets go" "allonsy" or "another day world.... Let us go another round"

In these thoughts... suddenly I thought "I should do a Documentary, exploring these ideas" and yet... Ya.. mop... just what you need... another thing to do... because the other 30 things you are halfway in the middle of, just aren't enough.

with a little luck, i'm going to try and explore some of these ideas on the blog.

I was in a park about 9 months ago. I watched a male duck dunk and suffocate the female duck under the water then he mated with her. I wondered if that sadistic animal thing ... it was such anathema to how I want my life to be or to my perceptions of reality. I wondered if this was just some kind of strange element to life that I just ... that just isn't in me and I have been blind to, that this maybe was just the normal way ducks mate. Or if the male duck just wore her down... chased her all day and night until she was exhausted and raped her. Which is something we see in our human life.. some predator cornering a woman and attacking her, him even deluding himself into thinking it was just some kind of primal essence of lust. The way she dressed "made him do it" and he sees it beautiful in a Henry and June desperate depraved kind of way. I wonder what I would think of a reread of some Henry miller. The truth being, he cornered her in a parking lot and she just submitted rather than have him beat her... or suffocate her under the water. Submission is not consent.

No wonder this is all so crazy and complicated. When all I want is to wake up in the morning, make some eggs and get back to work.

No wonder woman find it so difficult and frightning. Wanting some love and affection, in a world of sexual assault and violence. Trying to suss out what is healthy from what is normal... normal in a land of duck suffocation.

Fitness

I looked down today and saw some Cycling legs. The lungs hurt,the pace was slow. Starting to feel athletic.

Very hard to say that. I am very tired. I needed some distractions tonight. I couldn't find them. I have been watching 'pump up the volume ' the ultimate poorly written teen angst movie.
Shit well beyond that I don't know what to say.

31 days of riding

Just remember, whatever you do this month with #30 days of riding... I did the same while it was colder and I put in an extra day.

I'm sitting here thinking, yep that gets me in trouble. I honestly wish I read more.

Have I mentioned I have the most awesome bed in the world... I mean seriously... I didn't know you could do all this to a bed. I thought it was all ruffles fill-agree and doily patterns. Of course you ask, Well why is it you are still up at 2am. .. you don't actually want to know. I had a full day, worked my ass off. I have so much to do.

I was sitting here trying to go to bed... I swore I had something to write... but it just didn't hit my fingers as I sat down...

Sorry.

New bed.

It is springtime here on woody creek farm.  Dang I miss HST. If you don't get the reference I wont fault you. You should have heard the Gary oldman joke I made. It took 5 min to tell and 10 to explain.

I have the seed for the birds out. Camping gear is being organized. New pair of trail runners, no idea when I will run again and if you saw my girth..... you would laugh ... we all start somewhere.

I spent most my weekend moving furniture. I scored a full king bed-set its impressive. In love with the comforter. It is making me want that 1000 thread count set of sheets. (Did I just say that?).

I think my point was.... I am exhausted. And we still haven't gotten the planting done.

Up late

I was completely exhausted today, not sure why i'm up late. I seem to be haunted a bit. Not sure by what, some past history. Odd, not sure ... sometimes I feel like I'm picking up where I left off after high school.

One of those nights where you spend hours on the computer wondering about people you used to know. Yet, not exactly wanting to find out.

Wish I knew what kicked off this fit of nostalgia.

Friend

I have a friend who is doing 366 days of photos. this is day 80 or something maybe 82, I'm proud of her. She tried to get me to write something every day. I have been trying. Not very well, we all remember 30 days of blogging. Well, I won... but 366 days is a .. Well it's impressive.

I intend to do better about writing, I miss the old blog.

I want to write something.... I'm not sure what. I'm a huge fan of The walking dead, it and doctor who are about all I watch. Seems like it is going to get more comic book like soon. Not sure if I like that. I both liked and disliked shane... but I both like and dislike many of the characters.

The cusp of 40

As I remember it, I started this blog at 34. Here I am on the cusp of 40... I know you are fucking sick of hearing about it. I just figured it was appropriate to do a blog post.

I have to renew my driver's license, apparently its like applying for CIA clearance. I am not getting into missile silos. This is honestly Big brother... seriously it's just ID to drive a fucking car. Person owns this, may drive a car, person in picture needs to "kind of match" the person in the photo... and you have a small chance it is the same person. But sure enough I need to bring 9 documents that could easily be forged to prove i'm able to fucking drive a car. TELL ME WHAT THE HELL I NEED ID FOR!! SOME FUCKER CAN CHARGE THE SHIT OUT OF MY BANK ACCOUNT AND GET LOANS IN MY FUCKING NAME.... WITH NO FUCKING ID... but... drink a beer or some smokes.... I need Valid 9 verifiable versions of who I am... with a fingerprint blood and retinal match. But to steal my money... NO FUCKING PROBLEM.

That is what is wrong with this world.... everyone is shooting the wrong fucking target. How about a bank fucking ID... that one has all the shit.... and I have to use it to spend my money....

Since I was 18 I have thought about fake ID and how to have and get it.... THE PROBLEM IS IT ISN'T FUCKING USEFULL. Hey... I'm not me.... I'm roger williams... oh... thank god... cause we are after you, not roger williams. Like I say... I dont' even know who I am.... how the fuck could I be someone else...

Let me let you in on a secret... if you were getting into missile silos... there would be special ID... Missile Silo ID. I had a special ID to get into a building I used to work at.... seriously, I needed a different ID just to work somewhere.. My drivers license is good for one thing... to drive.

ok Shane is fucking dead. and if fucking whats her name... hadn't said "the baby may be yours" he would be alive... Ok how fucking days of our lives. they did do an ok job of him going nuts though. .. and I just don't know what I'll do without shane on that show...

40 here I come.

Ride 10

I just ate the most ridiculous thing.... sort of chex mix with jelly beans and M&M... with a cream filled doughnut on top. Ugh... it's one of those things that sound good sort of tastes good... but when you are done.... You feel nasty. Maybe that is why some people puke that stuff up.

I miss the time when I ate soup and veggies and soup for 6 months.... that was nice.... Somehow I am struggling to get back there.

I kind of want to hide right now, the big B-day is coming... I think I'm dealing with it, I don't have any plans... not sure I want any... not sure I don't...

You know what I want... I want to build a Tent fort... One of those ones with blankets... I want to hide and read for a few days... That is what I want for my birthday. Maybe with my bike kit all setup outside so I can just grab it and go for a ride...

all of this I want in southern utah.

Right now I feel like... I have one of those moments where... I don't seem to know where life is taking me... or hell if I'm even on the path... Obviously I'm only where I am... and obviously I'm on the only path around. Somehow I was sitting there asking myself, not only if I'm going in the right direction... if i'm even in the right place in the universe.

I have been feeling like I don't know Like the Universe is barely talking to me... and that I'm just in the wrong parking lot, looking for a car that i'm not even sure I like driving.

ride 8

I would like to start by asking.... "what ever happened to good Oliver Stone movies?" It all went downhill at JFK and that damn born on the fourth of july. Platoon discussed a very interesting Duality.... Somehow he convinced the studio into a 3quil of 1960's movies... ok 4 with "the doors".

But I digress.

Ya, today was a ride like any other ride. I'm happy to be out... unhappy about my life. Just going to say that turning 40.... little to show for it... besides some squirly blog and some squirly friends.

I'm eating like... well ... I'd eat the Oder eater out of a shoe right now... if it was covered in sugar. Bottomless hole I think...

Not the good dreams

I want to remember the Yesterday nights dream.

In my dream I was living in a house every time they fix it it was done substandard... and the house would constantly drip. Sometimes the drip would become a flood.

There was a tiger in the house. The tiger used to drink the dripping water, but the tiger was removed. Now the drip becomes a leak, and it becomes a flood.

I stopped the workmen and insisted that the work be done to reasonable standards.... but it is a long process.

Some day I will put some images to my posts.

Meaning: Well my guess is that it is about poor coping strategies. House being a metaphor for the person. Removing the old ways of "getting along" and building a strong and decent 'Home' ... The dripping is probably crying.

Ride 7

31 days of cycling.

Well this isn't' all that interesting

Ride six I forgot to blog about... because well it was like every other ride.... because it was.

I did decide that it's not particularly cycling fatigue, it't more laundry fatigue. 2-3 layers in the washer and dryer every day.

ride that almost was

Ride number 5

I was hoping for an hour and a half. I turned into the headwind and rode 1 mile and almost turned back... I said... "this sucks but I can at least go out two and a half".

It is an amazing day out there... but I'm effing tired.

Mop Mopinator, Getting chicked for 2 decades.

Ride 4 31 days of cycling.

I went out on sunday, I was just doing my Usual run. What I like to call the Mopinator Crit. Which goes near Eborn's house. 2 miles from home I saw Nancy on her bike, and whipped around and caught on. Of course her and two other serious woman cyclists.

Chatting with them I realized that everyone makes jokes on the bike, especially about the other cyclists. When I caught them they were putting the hurt on 3 super Clydesdales and some other guy had apparently caught their wheel, who didn't bother to chat with them. It's funny, I had no problem holding their wheel, but that guy ended up pulling right off. It's interesting how it's hard to gauge people's fitness.

As the girls joked.... ."the problem is, no men like to get 'chicked' on a bike". It's probably part of my character, but i'm not as competitive as most cyclists. Probably why I don't race... getting beat is probably just another day for me... won't exactly upset me or inspire me to do better.

30 days of hell. oops 31

Well, I decided that my poor fitness was going to require 30 days of fitness. I did this on a lark 2 years ago. I liked it a lot. One thing that you do learn is how important that rest day is. Even that coffee ride is just a little too much.

I think this is about 2 weeks of regular riding. It's all starting to blur together. My head is still in a terrible place. Just ... Too much. If there is this line where you are dealing with too much crazy bullshit. I have no margin of error, if one(additional) tiny thing starts to go wrong, I start spiraling out of control.

Ride one I was going to just spin around the block. There was a ton of snow and I was nervous, but the weather felt fine and I started and decided to give it some miles.

Ride two was the same thing. I did look out and decide the weather was nice enough to do a real ride. It was nice to get out, but I am exhausted, its been a nasty week.