More things I don't have time for

I have a client presentation to finish...

Ugh... The wind sucked today, I managed a few miles into it... and the old spirit just gave out.

Ok... what you really want to know.

What is going on with the little woman?

Last we knew,things were ok... back to neutral. She sort of dropped it.

I'm not sure if she is waiting for "The shoe to Drop"

Or if she is hoping I'll Drop dead.

I'm not sure where You and I(You being the blog) were on it.

I sort of freaked out, and said to her "I understand, all of this tells me to piss off." and I stated all the things she had done that I interpreted as "Drop Dead". Some of you know me, and sure it wasn't this simple. I also may have stated a case that, this seemed like some repeated behavior, But I get it, and don't worry... I'm not angry, things as far as I'm concerned are ok, and we can move on.

She comes back, ANGRY and restates her case.... "Bla bla bla I'm busy, No time.... Bla Bla Bla Washing my Hair..... Bla Bla Bla."

So when you say to someone, "You are telling me to piss off, with A. B. and C."

And they come back with. "A. B. and C"

To me it sounds like they are saying "Piss off", either that or I have to deal with "A.B. and C."

But that was how I took it... "Piss off", and I said to her... "Ok, I get it, I'm sorry for taking up your time, I was trying to Calm things down, and Now you are angry and worked up about it. That isn't how this should be. Again... I'm sorry.

Then she comes back, "Stop Saying you are Sorry. It's not very appealing and it's not very Guy like."

WTF does that come from.... I hate to say it, but REAL MEN APOLOGIZE! a Real man, wants to know when he is wrong.

I seriously cracked at this point, I said "You are just killing me!"

Things slide back into neutral. Then at one point, I slide in some ... "Underwear talk"... She blushes. I mention, nothing wrong with .... "good Healthy Mature"....Bla Bla bla...

Ok... I get the dial tone, for a week.

This is complicated.. But she ... We can communicate in other ways, She comes out from "All Quiet".. but through Passive communication I get this:

I can't quote it directly.

But it is roughly; When there is someone you long to be closer to, and you are upset about it, Ask if there is something you might do to transform the situation. You and they may just surprise you.

now is this me, or is it her.... is she telling me, or is she saying something she has picked up on....

SO... WTF am I supposed to do.... and WTF am I asking you?

I send her a typical E-Mail... Just one of my usual. Nothing Personal.

She e-mails back.. typical response.

I send a follow up.. a ruse.... "did you need this?" I hope you are well?

She sends a nice personal note, a few personal details... with "I'm busy"

My response was, I said how great it was, and I mentioned I was glad to hear from her.

I'll point out, she never asks about me, or about anything I'm doing.

I think I'll call it a win.... or a neutral.

Or first loser.

My finger Nails Need cutting

I just figured, you wanted to know!

One of those days for me. I needed to get some work done and it didn't happen. I got out on the bike, It wasn't a "Big Ride" but I wanted to put some miles in.

I hit that point where... Well, Where I turn a short ride, into a medium one.

At the turn off, I made the turn... Which involves a hill. I got to the top and realized... Well I got that feeling that I get, That feeling that I get when my spirit is broken. That feeling where you just want to turn around sit on the couch and eat Oreo's all day.

I didn't do it, I pushed on.... but it was a lackluster ride.. in fact I don't even remember it. As I got back to the house, I turned off to make the ride longer, because I knew I had some more thinking to do, added another 20 minutes to the ride....

Further more.... I even missed one of my last turns, and had to turn back.

It was like riding in a Daze.....

Not good....

But Trudge on!!! Keep Fighting!

It's time for the 3rd training block.... I'm trying hard to convince myself to really put the screws in. Push out to my 60 and 70 mile rides and just suffer through them...

Push and fail at some bigger rides....

Just suffer, and take my lumps.... see how it goes. Then Next Bock I can start the big rides!!

"Next Stop, Everywhere!"

Tell me what I did all day

Here it is 8:30pm, I have no idea what I did today. I stressed, listened to Jazz, Climbed the walls, ... Rode my bike... now it's 8...

Ugh....

I've eaten some brownies... and a bowl of popcorn as large as my head......

WTF am I blogging this for.......

I have a presentation to get done for a client.

Why is it, that I can't just sit down and watch dancing with the stars like everyone else...

Back to normal

At least for a little while.

I want to point out to everyone... I used to work on the road a lot there are similarities to bike racing, Except ....

When you are racing, you have the team with you. It's a ton of support to keep you going, from day to day, race to race.

When Burke is racing, and traveling. Remember, it's just him. It's him sitting there, at the cafe, having his lunch. It's just him in the Hotel. Just him and the white and yellow lines on the road. I want to point that out to his Internet/Salt Lake/Provo/bozeman brothers and sisters.

So.... do your best to ... Help and keep him going. Its not easy being on the road on your own.

Remember, We are all Team T-Bird!!!

Let me tell you about Demons!

I can barely write about them. The truth about all demons, is you can't be afraid of them, you can't run.

No matter where you go, you are always there.

It also doesn't help to Dwell on them. There are millions of people who move through life comfortably ignorant all their lives.

You can drown them out with T.V. With Music.... With Beer, With Religion.... with any sort of .... thing.

During my week, i've suppressed enough of them, that by Friday night/Saturday morning... they have reached critical mass. I try and just let them run free for most of friday night... Let them "have their way"... or at least deal with them, as they show up.

This goes on all night, and even when I fall asleep I sleep fitfully, and it even Escalates to nightmares. I slept on and off for 10 hours, and still felt like I had only managed 3 good hours of sleep.

The good thing, is to get out on the bike, Let them chase me there. The question is.. do I bring the MP3 or do I let the demons really chase me,without it?.

Go with the Flow

... That was the advice I received today.

Well... My Chi is blocked.... My chakras are out of alignment... My Yin, Lacks Yang.

or whatever.... I'm telling you.... I'm a lump of Exhausted, tense spastic muscles... There is no Flow here!

I'm sitting here....

I don't even know what the flow is... The flow seems to be a passive .... it aways seems like that is a way to let things die...

I feel like the ball is hers... Then today, i'm out on my bike... I'm reminded of the adage that "A girl never calls a boy"....

Then I wonder if I should just call...

is that "The Flow"???

or is it ...

maybe I should just e-mail her...

It just seems like when things are this Labored... It's just not going to work out.

You know, we are old... I just would think we would be beyond this...

Either that or I've become a stalker.

Insomnia only I can get.

I think I had a nap today, In fact I know I had a nap today. I fell asleep at 10pm and woke up at 1am or even midnight.

I lay there for 30 minutes reflecting on how boring you are, Ok.... Not you. But people.

Somebody called me, a relative.. They started talking about something, I said... " Let me just cut to the end... " and explained the bullshit game they were playing with themselves, and told them that there was no need to go through the motions, and they should just skip to the end.

They then proceeded to want to go through the motions... I said, 'When you get to this point.' call me back.

they were pissed..... I don't understand, why you don't understand the bullshit games you play, I understand them, Why don't you!...

The only hard part is knowing the games that other people are playing, this just takes time.

But those are my thoughts.... about how most of you are playing "go fish". When there are much better games out there.

Let me explain... GO Fish is Random. instead of playing through the deck.... you should just flip a coin. It's faster, and it's the same game.

I get Super Nerdy about words.

The word of the day was: Sublimate

sublimate - direct energy or urges into useful activities

Sublimate to direct the energy of (a primitive impulse, esp a sexual one) into activities that are considered to be socially more acceptable

The Jist of it is to change one type of energy or impulse into another:

To Clean the floor if you are Angry.

But there are more negative versions

To be angry, because you are worried.

To sublimate your Racism for Obama into a Rant about Marxism.

To sublimate the loss of your job, into throwing Rocks at a window.

But various usages of the word is interesting.

and that the root of the word is sublime!

Lament on the state of the world

... After Last weeks... The world seems to be a Tree Filled with fruit!

now this week, it's as if I climbed the tree, and all the fruit was Crab-apples...

Sure, you say.... you ruined it Karmicly... by your attempts to 2 time.

You see, she blew me off. Then came back... Ok... Not blew me off, Gave me the Down... responded in the Negative.

So, I moved on.... and sure enough ... It's like woman know... then they just want to spoil it for you.

Woman Number 2, then managed to blow me off as well... I BTW have no Effing Clue what she is thinking, and by that I mean... I sort of gave her a second chance, and she Mucked it.

None of this counts all the other Periphery woman... Who I'll Plead the 5th about.

Many years ago... in fact 10 years ago... In fact 14 years ago. When this AWFUL woman, tore my heart out. I honestly Hate her, She played the game with me for 4 years... On again Off again... What she wanted was for me to be in love with her, I'm good at it... It was like she got her fill and moved on, only to find the world is cold, and came back....

Finally, I had had my fill of it, and I stopped taking her calls, I ran into her, and blew her off.

Since then, i've always felt relationships should be "organic", they should work, it shouldn't be difficult, it should just be fun, and enjoyable....

Certainly, some things take work.... but there should be Joy!

Bad job

I haven't posted anything.

I'm trying to support and do more blogging.

There is a ton of wind out there.... Does that count?

I need to stretch my legs today

I feel like I have a good post in me... but... I need to find the time....

there are too many demands on my time...

That Darn Reality... getting in the way of my alter Ego.

sitting here.

Sitting here, It sounds like Ryan is having working on the 5th addition to his family 7 if you include animals...More if you include KinFolk who seem to flow like hot and cold water from the house.

it's rest week, and I've eaten too much....

I'm hoping my brain will come back.

I'm in a constant 3 way split in my brain.

There is work, Life, and Work2.

They each seems to require more brain than I have.

So, I'm in a constant 1/3rd thought about each.... and I mostly want to go back to bed... Or just deal with one of them.

I'm a very focused person, so this is almost unbearable......

see... this is all I have.... but I think this was a single complete post. 2 different subjects, but they seem like complete ideas.

and I have to give up...

Ugh.....

1:30 am.... I've been up since midnight.

There is nothing to do at 6pm... So I lay in bed and fall asleep.

Then here I am at midnight... Hoping to fall back asleep.

I had such a nice ride this weekend,

I may have to accelerate the training schedule. I may try and see If I can upscale to some bigger rides, in the next training block.

I'm contemplating this... The problem is recovery, I barely felt recovered, even 2 days later. I probably need to eat better, but when I'm just tired... And just want to rest... Get afraid of over-eating... so then it's harder to recover...

and I can't just sit for hours and hours Recovering.... Let alone Days....

So... to get the big rides in, i'm going to need to recover faster...

Continued attempts at new content

My Second Training Block just ended.

I should be tired... but seriously... I only did 3.5 hours on the bike. Took me a full day to "Sort of recover"

It would help if I ate better, but I'm still trying to lean down....

I guess I do get a Rest week. We will see what that means.... This old guy, needs to go out and put some miles in...

The weather looks nice... I think I'm ready to hit eject... Even though, I haven't done a damn thing today... but catch up on healthcare reform.

I could cry too

It's 3am, I struggled in bed at 2am. I finally gave up and got up at 2:30. I'm starving, I'm not refueling properly yet, and I had dinner at 3pm, and went to bed at 7pm.

So... Don't cry for me.

If I'm lucky I can refuel a little and go back to bed, wake up in 3 hours ... and go on with my day.

We all know this ends in tears, don't we?

Right, I'm lucid.. or hyper Lucid enough to know that there is my own self destructive Script. There is also just the tragedy of life, Life is pain, Life is sorrow, Life is Loss.

As far as life goes, I've had my share... or more than my share.

Last we knew, When we checked in with our hero, we were playing the:

Either we move this relationship on, or end it.

or

I'm bored with you, move on!

I pushed it to confrontation, and got the "high Sign", which seems like "Lets move this on"

Then I pushed back fairly hard.... Probably Too hard.

Silly rabbits, tricks are for kids!

I find most people so filled with silly games and notions, that being direct, and keeping things straight forward, is beyond them. Everybody feels like they are negotiating from a position of maturity, but few people have ever matured beyond puberty.

At best, they have matured to the point of ... knowing they have to bring a check in every week. But after that, it's all video games and Cartoons.

Not that there is anything wrong with a few minutes of Tom And Jerry, from time to time.

Ugh... I have no idea what I just Wrote...

but I'm going back to bed.

Some Morning Thoughts

Y'all know me, I'm doing some reading on... stuff... It's more personal stuff, I'd say Spiritual, but you might think I'm reading the Bible or something.

It's stuff to feed my Soul.

The current meditation is:

We sort of have 2 choices,

Either we can engage in the great Opera, the Great Drama of life.

Or we can Withdraw.

You're Killing me!

Bare with me, I'm recovering from my ride today.

I need a haircut... Just saying....

I'm trying to come up with the words on this relationship...

It seems like we hit the point where... Well, where you can hurt each other.

I don't know how smart I am... Ok... I know, I feel like a moron most of the time.. but from the morons I've seen, they tend to not know it.... or maybe they do.

But it seems to be a big game, and the question is how deep are you playing the game.

The other thing is that, the secret IMO.. to a successful relationship is Honesty... Foolishly, I don't believe in the game. Maybe I'm just mad, and there is no game. But come on....

To me... It just seems so Stupid...

... but I'm reflecting now... Maybe things are sometimes so hard to say.... you just have to "Play at it" or "turn it into a dance"

The interesting thing is that ... for some reason... I want to play.

so that is a good sign.

Some notes on my friend Ryan Barret

The Grass is always Greener, Right?

This is his blog.

First of all, he gets huge points for continuing to support this blog. Probably because of his continued support, I attempt to do more than the Periodic Midnight Manic Post. As well as my desire to make this a Better blog, Because... I get tired of Twitter... It's like blogging for people who only have a sentence and a half in their head.... it is good for that periodic broken thought.... or visceral Scream.

There are other people who have supported this blog on and off for the past years.... And I appreciate it.... Maybe i'll mention you some other time...(Tiff/Burke/Sandy/J-rad/Gary/bobbie).

This is the thing about Ryan.... he is a Real Man by conventional standards. Pumping out kids, Settled down... He just isn't ... Like me... Who refuses to grow up, and... all the shit that goes with that. Here he is, Ready to have another, I'm sure plenty of job stress, and trying to get his team together... and be a bike racer.

You have to respect the hell out of it.

As I'm trying to provide more content to my readers.... I raise my coffee cup, this morning to Ryan...

Cheers Buddy!

Trying to reason, the mind of Woman!

We all know this is a mistake.... Except me, because i'm a fucking moron.

For those following me closely, and I don't know why you would. I'm at my Wit's end, As Fighter Pilots call it. "Edge of the Envelope".

I'm really getting there, This is the end of my second training block. Which ends with a sufferfest, I guess that is scheduled for this weekend. I'm starting to enjoy the sprint. Putting the hammer to it. Some kid on a MTB tried to throw down with me on the hill on Winchester. I teased him, and pushed him to his LT, then made him blow up.... all in lower gears than I have. Better to be smart than Young.

But, i'm getting to my fighting weight, and starting to feel good. It's been rough, with the diet, trying to keep my head above the water.... but I guess it's all the game. I should probably ... I probably do it wrong, find myself, blown out, energy wise, too much.

I have piles of checks on my desk, that is making me happy. I guess that is what you get, for working your ass off.

If you don't realize, this is the whole relationship disaster, I'm a lunatic, she is a lunatic, I can admit it, and ... she is just trying to keep it, in the bag.

All of this is going on.... She breaks up with me, then.... Then.... I call this other woman... and of course, what happens. Suddenly I have 2 woman on my hands.... sort of...

And it's not fair to either of them.... or of course a third very special lady, who... is brilliant, but for some reason, we don't seem to dance well together.

Content

I promised you content, I think I'm getting better at it.

I woke up the other night, Shaking...

I thought it was the Flu, or some sickness.

It wasn't, it's psychosomatic, things are so stressful. my body is rejecting.

Oh... Joy!!!

I have these dreams... I want to sweep floors, I feel like that guy, Like in the mosquito Coast. He rejects society, and just runs off. The person who just gives it all up, and joins a monastery, or something.

I was talking about it with a friend of mine, they suggested I work in the garden department of Lowes or something. Of course... I hate you people, and talking to you all day... Well... there would be some kind of shotgun and running around lowes...

I'm just saying, it wouldn't be nice....

but some sweeping.... I think I have it down

Sweep.... Mop..... Wax.... Buff...

Maybe I just have heartburn or indigestion.... or something

When spring came,

even the false spring, there were no problems except where to be the happiest. The only thing that could spoil a day was people and if you could keep from making engagements, each day had no limits. People were always the limiters of happiness except for the very few that were as good as spring itself.

-Ernest Hemmingway- A Moveable Feast

..... Ugh... 2.0

I've promised you updates. I umn....

I have some follow up for something I posted earlier, but I'm not sure I'll get to it. But

For those of you who remember Doctor Pistachio and all her Nerdy AwesomeNess. But She had a Kid!, It's all very exciting. I don't have kids.. but I like to be excited for all you Breeders out there.

It's a brave choice, to have little Spawn running around.

Sure I see the world as a dark Pit of ... Hate Greed and Stupidity... But that is just me. I can be excited for your life choices. Just as I can be excited for that dude who found the true love of his life in his Golden Retriever... It's all good, as far as "The Mop" is concerned.

It's strange, they have named their girl "El Mopo"... in honor of me.... You know... everything is about me, right?.... Ok, sure none of that is true, they actually named her Layla....

Just as good I guess.