I could cry too

It's 3am, I struggled in bed at 2am. I finally gave up and got up at 2:30. I'm starving, I'm not refueling properly yet, and I had dinner at 3pm, and went to bed at 7pm.

So... Don't cry for me.

If I'm lucky I can refuel a little and go back to bed, wake up in 3 hours ... and go on with my day.

We all know this ends in tears, don't we?

Right, I'm lucid.. or hyper Lucid enough to know that there is my own self destructive Script. There is also just the tragedy of life, Life is pain, Life is sorrow, Life is Loss.

As far as life goes, I've had my share... or more than my share.

Last we knew, When we checked in with our hero, we were playing the:

Either we move this relationship on, or end it.

or

I'm bored with you, move on!

I pushed it to confrontation, and got the "high Sign", which seems like "Lets move this on"

Then I pushed back fairly hard.... Probably Too hard.

Silly rabbits, tricks are for kids!

I find most people so filled with silly games and notions, that being direct, and keeping things straight forward, is beyond them. Everybody feels like they are negotiating from a position of maturity, but few people have ever matured beyond puberty.

At best, they have matured to the point of ... knowing they have to bring a check in every week. But after that, it's all video games and Cartoons.

Not that there is anything wrong with a few minutes of Tom And Jerry, from time to time.

Ugh... I have no idea what I just Wrote...

but I'm going back to bed.

Some Morning Thoughts

Y'all know me, I'm doing some reading on... stuff... It's more personal stuff, I'd say Spiritual, but you might think I'm reading the Bible or something.

It's stuff to feed my Soul.

The current meditation is:

We sort of have 2 choices,

Either we can engage in the great Opera, the Great Drama of life.

Or we can Withdraw.

You're Killing me!

Bare with me, I'm recovering from my ride today.

I need a haircut... Just saying....

I'm trying to come up with the words on this relationship...

It seems like we hit the point where... Well, where you can hurt each other.

I don't know how smart I am... Ok... I know, I feel like a moron most of the time.. but from the morons I've seen, they tend to not know it.... or maybe they do.

But it seems to be a big game, and the question is how deep are you playing the game.

The other thing is that, the secret IMO.. to a successful relationship is Honesty... Foolishly, I don't believe in the game. Maybe I'm just mad, and there is no game. But come on....

To me... It just seems so Stupid...

... but I'm reflecting now... Maybe things are sometimes so hard to say.... you just have to "Play at it" or "turn it into a dance"

The interesting thing is that ... for some reason... I want to play.

so that is a good sign.

Some notes on my friend Ryan Barret

The Grass is always Greener, Right?

This is his blog.

First of all, he gets huge points for continuing to support this blog. Probably because of his continued support, I attempt to do more than the Periodic Midnight Manic Post. As well as my desire to make this a Better blog, Because... I get tired of Twitter... It's like blogging for people who only have a sentence and a half in their head.... it is good for that periodic broken thought.... or visceral Scream.

There are other people who have supported this blog on and off for the past years.... And I appreciate it.... Maybe i'll mention you some other time...(Tiff/Burke/Sandy/J-rad/Gary/bobbie).

This is the thing about Ryan.... he is a Real Man by conventional standards. Pumping out kids, Settled down... He just isn't ... Like me... Who refuses to grow up, and... all the shit that goes with that. Here he is, Ready to have another, I'm sure plenty of job stress, and trying to get his team together... and be a bike racer.

You have to respect the hell out of it.

As I'm trying to provide more content to my readers.... I raise my coffee cup, this morning to Ryan...

Cheers Buddy!

Trying to reason, the mind of Woman!

We all know this is a mistake.... Except me, because i'm a fucking moron.

For those following me closely, and I don't know why you would. I'm at my Wit's end, As Fighter Pilots call it. "Edge of the Envelope".

I'm really getting there, This is the end of my second training block. Which ends with a sufferfest, I guess that is scheduled for this weekend. I'm starting to enjoy the sprint. Putting the hammer to it. Some kid on a MTB tried to throw down with me on the hill on Winchester. I teased him, and pushed him to his LT, then made him blow up.... all in lower gears than I have. Better to be smart than Young.

But, i'm getting to my fighting weight, and starting to feel good. It's been rough, with the diet, trying to keep my head above the water.... but I guess it's all the game. I should probably ... I probably do it wrong, find myself, blown out, energy wise, too much.

I have piles of checks on my desk, that is making me happy. I guess that is what you get, for working your ass off.

If you don't realize, this is the whole relationship disaster, I'm a lunatic, she is a lunatic, I can admit it, and ... she is just trying to keep it, in the bag.

All of this is going on.... She breaks up with me, then.... Then.... I call this other woman... and of course, what happens. Suddenly I have 2 woman on my hands.... sort of...

And it's not fair to either of them.... or of course a third very special lady, who... is brilliant, but for some reason, we don't seem to dance well together.

Content

I promised you content, I think I'm getting better at it.

I woke up the other night, Shaking...

I thought it was the Flu, or some sickness.

It wasn't, it's psychosomatic, things are so stressful. my body is rejecting.

Oh... Joy!!!

I have these dreams... I want to sweep floors, I feel like that guy, Like in the mosquito Coast. He rejects society, and just runs off. The person who just gives it all up, and joins a monastery, or something.

I was talking about it with a friend of mine, they suggested I work in the garden department of Lowes or something. Of course... I hate you people, and talking to you all day... Well... there would be some kind of shotgun and running around lowes...

I'm just saying, it wouldn't be nice....

but some sweeping.... I think I have it down

Sweep.... Mop..... Wax.... Buff...

Maybe I just have heartburn or indigestion.... or something

When spring came,

even the false spring, there were no problems except where to be the happiest. The only thing that could spoil a day was people and if you could keep from making engagements, each day had no limits. People were always the limiters of happiness except for the very few that were as good as spring itself.

-Ernest Hemmingway- A Moveable Feast

..... Ugh... 2.0

I've promised you updates. I umn....

I have some follow up for something I posted earlier, but I'm not sure I'll get to it. But

For those of you who remember Doctor Pistachio and all her Nerdy AwesomeNess. But She had a Kid!, It's all very exciting. I don't have kids.. but I like to be excited for all you Breeders out there.

It's a brave choice, to have little Spawn running around.

Sure I see the world as a dark Pit of ... Hate Greed and Stupidity... But that is just me. I can be excited for your life choices. Just as I can be excited for that dude who found the true love of his life in his Golden Retriever... It's all good, as far as "The Mop" is concerned.

It's strange, they have named their girl "El Mopo"... in honor of me.... You know... everything is about me, right?.... Ok, sure none of that is true, they actually named her Layla....

Just as good I guess.

Relationships

... I have had these thoughts about my relationships with woman. There seems to be this point. It's a point of Divergence. Where either they do or don't want more from the relationship.

They tend to pull away.

The expected response is one of two things.

Either you are supposed to chase.

Or

you are supposed to leave them alone.

I can never quite figure it out, Either I chase and don't say the right thing(apparently)

or leave them alone, assuming I'm smothering them.

The problem as I see it, is that I can reason, that both responses are the correct response for the Response that I want, The relationship to move forward.

I'm Very Sorry Keith

Thank you for sharing, these past months. I was very honored by your willingness to share this period in your family history.

My thoughts are with you and your family today.

My Dad was predeceased last year by my mother, Marie, his wife of nearly 60 years. He died peacefully after a long fight against the complications that ensued after successful colon surgery last September at the New York Presbyterian-Weill Cornell Medical Center. My sister Jenna and I were at his side, and I was reading him his favorite James Thurber short stories, as he left us.

Afternoon

Getting up at 3am

It makes me tired, very early in the day....

You know, here I am again... Nothing to say.

I keep hoping, that I'll come up with something.

If at first you don't succeed... Try try again

That is what I'm doing with my awkward Blogging attempts......

Here is another...

Update

Well... My birthday is tomorrow.

I'm not going to whine about it... but It never thrills me.

Enough said.

hmmmm, now I wonder if I have anything to say. I put in a few miles today, effectively all uphill. If it was me riding up Big Cottonwood, I would have managed most of the way up... Made it to the point where I knew I could finish it... but chose not to ..

"I could finish this ride, but that last half mile.... well... I can do it, but I've ridden up the rest of it like a snail, and there isn't much reason to do the same for another 10%.

It was good, but i'm not worked... I wish I was just Worked over.

WTF... you know... You are reading this... and hoping it goes somewhere... and shit!!! so am I...

I think that there are some things I want to say, and yet I sit down... and I just don't want to write about it...

I wish I could turn myself inside out for you....

I just sit down, and I'm over talking about it.

I'm thrilled to be on my second Training block of the season. I'm missing some sessions. But I think I'm just ok with it.... Maybe I'm getting better at just accepting that my body would rather rest... or that my mind would rather do the same....

That is all....

Trudge on .... Christian Soldiers

The Tale of the Shaman

In many cultures, the story ... the real story of the shaman, is one of the outcast, the person who lost their way. Someone that through their experiences, has rejected the social norms. They now have become a specialist in the society. Called on, only when their special skills are needed.

Problem is, the Shaman never gets Laid....

Society just exploits them for their skills.

I'm trying here... this was all I can get out...

Evolution

Always strange things afoot, with the old mop. I have this "Thing" going on. You know I have to hide it now. The point, over here was to be able to be honest. I guess I have to admit that things are changing.

I even have ... other blogs, and even those aren't ... something I can be honest with....

It's back to the same old lies and hiding, that the rest of us suffer with ....

The slings and Arrows of Mortality.

I'm into a thing about Denotation Vs Connotation.

you know it's a logic thing.

People who can see the "Thing for it's name only"

people who can see what it represents.

it's First tier thinking

Vs Second Tier.

but I digress, I wanted to scream from the mountain top.... and I don't have a mountain top to scream from anymore.....

Even the old Mop-Anti Hero is working on his mortality, his ... kryptonite.

Back in the Vacancy

I'm still trying to make sure I provide content,

Feels like a good day to do a ramble.

I realized my circle of friends is very small, It's large on twitter, small on life. This doesn't mean you should call me and we should hang out.

I only talk to about four people, in the course of a week. I'm not a.... laid back kind of guy. So, a conversation, isn't mello....

ah... Fuck

this is going no where.
Just one of those days...... Me and work and the bike, it's all there seems to me....

.... I should get over it.... move on...

Furthermore, we have not even to risk the adventure alone,
for the heroes of all time have gone before us.
The labyrinth is thoroughly known.
We have only to follow the thread of the hero path,
and where we had thought to find an abomination,
we shall find a god. And where we had thought to slay another,
we shall slay ourselves.
Where we had thought to travel outward we will come to the center of our own existence.
And where we had thought to be alone, we will be with all the world

I'm trying to make sure that there is some kind of reward for showing up to this blog. The Oscars... Holy crap, 2 ScienceFiction movies, and an action movie were nominated. When did the Oscars become "The Peoples Choice Awards". And the Action movie wins..... WTF... Has anyone in the academy... ever seen a good movie? Do they understand what Empathy is? Believability? Are they familier with a Theme. I saw "A Serious Man", it was a good move and a solid theme. I also saw"Up in the Air.", the theme was good, but it's hard to identify with a guy who lives on the road, in hotel rooms firing people and likes it.

I need to tune my bike, it wouldn't stay in gear on a big climb yesterday... and by big I mean little.

4am

It's morning,

I just spent 30 min going over traffic patterns from various websites. One would think I had a full-time job running shitty blogs.

I'm trying to get some projects going.... Bla Bla Bla... it's not all that interesting.

What did I want to tell you?

I kind of miss this blog.... Is miss a word?... let me look it up. Wow! it just looked strange to me. It's strange that this is all I can get out. I'm hoping to get my morning coffee and yogurt in me... Have some Me and You time with this blog.

Do you see what I do? stream of Conscience with this blog... I'm going through the motions with this blog... letting the shit hit the fan, where ever it lands.

I'm still on a Billy Joel thing, It's been nice.... I want it to be very loud... too loud for the morning.

The woman I was falling for; that is on haitus right now. If it's not the most obvious thing to you, I'm very poorly socialized, at a very important point, in my development as a child, we moved. It's made me very distant when developing relationships of all types. It doesn't help that my closest friend as a child, died in our Teens, as well as an older sister. So, Loss is my bag!

If that isn't the second most obvious statement, I've ever said.

One has to Bare with my poor social skills. If "on Haitus" isn't code for We have broken up, and I can't quite ... Deal with it, or Come to Terms with it, or Admit it. I think it's just me saying, I don't get woman, and there is that odd, on again -off again. I know, out there, that deep down... again you are hoping for me. Sure, you aren't going to say it. But I know, you are out there ... Hoping for me.

I'm so out of shape, well... I have a shape... and it's not In... it's more Out. I'm going to try more with this blog. This isn't a promise, but just a show of intent. It's still so hard to have a full horrible week of stress, and then instead of cozy up to a book or the TV and eat Orios(I don't do this, but I want to), to go out and ride. It's nice, if I can pull it off, but the problem is .. I want to pass out. I can't do anything but stress out on Saturday morning, So I may as well just put in some bike time.

Well, that is the whole dog and pony show for today.

When in doubt, there is always the old fall back.

I think I've set a new record for fatigue. It's unreal. The last 2 days, I pulled off a walk, and I pulled off a 1 mile ride on the bike.

Today I did managed to put a few miles in the legs. The wind was brutal, but now I'm wiped out.

Fuck, this post is going no where. It's Thursday... One more day, then I get the weekend, and I can get some real work done.

See, the real question is if this I should even waste my time posting this.

The doors..... WM&M