Relationships

... I have had these thoughts about my relationships with woman. There seems to be this point. It's a point of Divergence. Where either they do or don't want more from the relationship.

They tend to pull away.

The expected response is one of two things.

Either you are supposed to chase.

Or

you are supposed to leave them alone.

I can never quite figure it out, Either I chase and don't say the right thing(apparently)

or leave them alone, assuming I'm smothering them.

The problem as I see it, is that I can reason, that both responses are the correct response for the Response that I want, The relationship to move forward.

I'm Very Sorry Keith

Thank you for sharing, these past months. I was very honored by your willingness to share this period in your family history.

My thoughts are with you and your family today.

My Dad was predeceased last year by my mother, Marie, his wife of nearly 60 years. He died peacefully after a long fight against the complications that ensued after successful colon surgery last September at the New York Presbyterian-Weill Cornell Medical Center. My sister Jenna and I were at his side, and I was reading him his favorite James Thurber short stories, as he left us.

Afternoon

Getting up at 3am

It makes me tired, very early in the day....

You know, here I am again... Nothing to say.

I keep hoping, that I'll come up with something.

If at first you don't succeed... Try try again

That is what I'm doing with my awkward Blogging attempts......

Here is another...

Update

Well... My birthday is tomorrow.

I'm not going to whine about it... but It never thrills me.

Enough said.

hmmmm, now I wonder if I have anything to say. I put in a few miles today, effectively all uphill. If it was me riding up Big Cottonwood, I would have managed most of the way up... Made it to the point where I knew I could finish it... but chose not to ..

"I could finish this ride, but that last half mile.... well... I can do it, but I've ridden up the rest of it like a snail, and there isn't much reason to do the same for another 10%.

It was good, but i'm not worked... I wish I was just Worked over.

WTF... you know... You are reading this... and hoping it goes somewhere... and shit!!! so am I...

I think that there are some things I want to say, and yet I sit down... and I just don't want to write about it...

I wish I could turn myself inside out for you....

I just sit down, and I'm over talking about it.

I'm thrilled to be on my second Training block of the season. I'm missing some sessions. But I think I'm just ok with it.... Maybe I'm getting better at just accepting that my body would rather rest... or that my mind would rather do the same....

That is all....

Trudge on .... Christian Soldiers

The Tale of the Shaman

In many cultures, the story ... the real story of the shaman, is one of the outcast, the person who lost their way. Someone that through their experiences, has rejected the social norms. They now have become a specialist in the society. Called on, only when their special skills are needed.

Problem is, the Shaman never gets Laid....

Society just exploits them for their skills.

I'm trying here... this was all I can get out...

Evolution

Always strange things afoot, with the old mop. I have this "Thing" going on. You know I have to hide it now. The point, over here was to be able to be honest. I guess I have to admit that things are changing.

I even have ... other blogs, and even those aren't ... something I can be honest with....

It's back to the same old lies and hiding, that the rest of us suffer with ....

The slings and Arrows of Mortality.

I'm into a thing about Denotation Vs Connotation.

you know it's a logic thing.

People who can see the "Thing for it's name only"

people who can see what it represents.

it's First tier thinking

Vs Second Tier.

but I digress, I wanted to scream from the mountain top.... and I don't have a mountain top to scream from anymore.....

Even the old Mop-Anti Hero is working on his mortality, his ... kryptonite.

Back in the Vacancy

I'm still trying to make sure I provide content,

Feels like a good day to do a ramble.

I realized my circle of friends is very small, It's large on twitter, small on life. This doesn't mean you should call me and we should hang out.

I only talk to about four people, in the course of a week. I'm not a.... laid back kind of guy. So, a conversation, isn't mello....

ah... Fuck

this is going no where.
Just one of those days...... Me and work and the bike, it's all there seems to me....

.... I should get over it.... move on...

Furthermore, we have not even to risk the adventure alone,
for the heroes of all time have gone before us.
The labyrinth is thoroughly known.
We have only to follow the thread of the hero path,
and where we had thought to find an abomination,
we shall find a god. And where we had thought to slay another,
we shall slay ourselves.
Where we had thought to travel outward we will come to the center of our own existence.
And where we had thought to be alone, we will be with all the world

I'm trying to make sure that there is some kind of reward for showing up to this blog. The Oscars... Holy crap, 2 ScienceFiction movies, and an action movie were nominated. When did the Oscars become "The Peoples Choice Awards". And the Action movie wins..... WTF... Has anyone in the academy... ever seen a good movie? Do they understand what Empathy is? Believability? Are they familier with a Theme. I saw "A Serious Man", it was a good move and a solid theme. I also saw"Up in the Air.", the theme was good, but it's hard to identify with a guy who lives on the road, in hotel rooms firing people and likes it.

I need to tune my bike, it wouldn't stay in gear on a big climb yesterday... and by big I mean little.

4am

It's morning,

I just spent 30 min going over traffic patterns from various websites. One would think I had a full-time job running shitty blogs.

I'm trying to get some projects going.... Bla Bla Bla... it's not all that interesting.

What did I want to tell you?

I kind of miss this blog.... Is miss a word?... let me look it up. Wow! it just looked strange to me. It's strange that this is all I can get out. I'm hoping to get my morning coffee and yogurt in me... Have some Me and You time with this blog.

Do you see what I do? stream of Conscience with this blog... I'm going through the motions with this blog... letting the shit hit the fan, where ever it lands.

I'm still on a Billy Joel thing, It's been nice.... I want it to be very loud... too loud for the morning.

The woman I was falling for; that is on haitus right now. If it's not the most obvious thing to you, I'm very poorly socialized, at a very important point, in my development as a child, we moved. It's made me very distant when developing relationships of all types. It doesn't help that my closest friend as a child, died in our Teens, as well as an older sister. So, Loss is my bag!

If that isn't the second most obvious statement, I've ever said.

One has to Bare with my poor social skills. If "on Haitus" isn't code for We have broken up, and I can't quite ... Deal with it, or Come to Terms with it, or Admit it. I think it's just me saying, I don't get woman, and there is that odd, on again -off again. I know, out there, that deep down... again you are hoping for me. Sure, you aren't going to say it. But I know, you are out there ... Hoping for me.

I'm so out of shape, well... I have a shape... and it's not In... it's more Out. I'm going to try more with this blog. This isn't a promise, but just a show of intent. It's still so hard to have a full horrible week of stress, and then instead of cozy up to a book or the TV and eat Orios(I don't do this, but I want to), to go out and ride. It's nice, if I can pull it off, but the problem is .. I want to pass out. I can't do anything but stress out on Saturday morning, So I may as well just put in some bike time.

Well, that is the whole dog and pony show for today.

When in doubt, there is always the old fall back.

I think I've set a new record for fatigue. It's unreal. The last 2 days, I pulled off a walk, and I pulled off a 1 mile ride on the bike.

Today I did managed to put a few miles in the legs. The wind was brutal, but now I'm wiped out.

Fuck, this post is going no where. It's Thursday... One more day, then I get the weekend, and I can get some real work done.

See, the real question is if this I should even waste my time posting this.

The doors..... WM&M

Let the Demons Chase

I sometimes spell that Daemons... It's not a misspelling BTW.

Strange things are Afoot for the old mop.

Turbo Caught me, in a joke about some of my "lesser Persona's" Which sounds odd. Well, I can say it actually is odd. Our lives are filled with Archetypes, as a smart person suggested, these are our WWE or WCW Wrestling Persona's. We show different ones to different people. We can Create some for some people. We may have our Work Persona, or our Friend Persona. Maybe our persona we show a Lover.

Somewhere, in all of that is our Real Self. If you don't realize, "The Mop" I hope is my Real Self. The problem has always been, if you Knew me, I could never Be ME!. One must strap on that Persona, and Guard themselves like a Suit of armor...

but I don't have to explain myself to you...

An old friend of my, was hurt last weekend. I probably have to make contact, even though... it's not like we had a falling out, more a falling away. Just a something you move away from, because it's easier. There is Epic Back story. (I'm trying not to use the phrase Epic, but have yet to come up with a new Phrase). So I'm still thinking about it, I guess I'm not even sure I want to make contact. Of course if I don't that will be it, for the relationship, for certain. That and about 4 other Associations... I'm just a dick these days, and as far as I was concerned, it was all just better to move away from.

Then.... I seem to be Smitten again... Smitten with a Mitten... I don't fucking know... but it rhymed. She is very Charming, and ... my number one problem is that; I'm still a fucking mess. Not that ... There is that phase where you are a mess, and you don't know it. Though I'm a Fucking mess, I know it... and that is always the first step to putting things back together. It's one of those things where, it's currently scaring the shit out of me, because she seems very ... "made for me".. I find these kinds of romantic Notions ... Stupid. But I do think that in the course of a 40 year life, you would think that finding the yin to your yang is probable.

Of course she is very much more "Together" than I am.... Which just adds to my insecurity.

I wrote last night to a Dear friend about it all, and that this is one of those times that it feels like the Universe is telling me something(which I don't believe in. That the universe talks, not that there is a universe.) But These 2 things, sort of feel like the 2 Keys to getting my ... emotional disaster from the past few years, Solidly back on the Rails.

Then there is my rational side, that says... you just need better sleep, some Vitamins, and this is all just a BioChemical response to getting back on the "workout wagon" in a serious way. Even though, if you saw my workouts, you would laugh... I know I do.

From Shit and Piss we are born.

I tell you the Ok part of this.

It's to be Sort of 'In love' again.

Of course we all know how that last one turned out...

Oh... BTW Sarah got Married... last spring, I believe. I'm sure you all were dying to know how that turned out.

Late, on a saturday night

My girl Justine was beaten at the Australian Open. Even more than wanting her to win, what I would like is for her to enjoy herself. No more, sad face Justine.

When she quit she said,

"I cannot play one more tournament,

not one more match,

not one more set,

not one more game."

And she gave it up.

On her return, it seems like she wants to enjoy herself, and I'd love to see it.

I'm sitting here, nothing on the TV.... what was I going to whine about...

I found out last week, I'm just about persona non Grata with a group of former associates. I found something out, and called some of them to see what they knew about one of the people in that group. I tried to contact 6 people, not one of them got back in touch with me, after leaving messages. Tip to toe a bunch of jackasses anyways. Honestly, it looks like a place I used to provide services for, is working on collapsing, this was why I left. I wasn't about to keep them going at my expense. Which was why we parted ways, "Can't you just... Not eat, that would be easier than us, knowing how to run a business, You should just provide free services to us... That is easiest."

What goes through you people's heads

well that post went no where....

Head Banging

I'm going to sit here and bang my head against the Keyboard, see what happens. J.D. Salinger died yesterday. What you may consider odd is that I actually like Franny and Zooey better than 'Catcher in the Rye', I suspect it's because I wasn't encouraged to read 'Catcher'.

If you don't realize it, with all the deaths right now of our elderly, it's just that time of year where the sedentary nature of winter, and the cold takes a toll on all our bodies, and unfortunately some of them us just give out.

This Teaparty thing, There is a certain amount of it that is populist rage. I don't mean to belittle anyones legitimate gripe about just about anything and everything that goes on, but I would suggest that most of it has to do with not having a job. Then somehow we then have to mix in the exploitation of the politicians, be they Democrat, Republican, or Libertarian.

What is really going on is a return of the John Birch Society. If you don't know your political history, The John Birchers were Lunatics that didn't believe in Fluoridation of water, because it was creating mind control.(I'd grant an argument that there could be long term health effects of fluoridation, but Brainwashing isn't one of them.). BTW I'm now sure some asshole Bircher is going to show up to defend them. Fuck off in advance. To get back to my point, what it required for the crazies to get out of the party, and for the republican party to return to rationalism, was the single most respected conservative William F. Buckley to launch "The National Review" to challenge the lunatics, and get their party back. This is how you will know that republicans are on a solid rise, you should see a new WFBuckly show up, and take on the Glen Becks and Sarah Palin.

Not that I wouldn't shove my dick in Sarah Palin, A gag would be required... and a riding Crop.

But I digress.....

I have some very negative comments about Our president right now, If I break it down to a game of 21. It seems like POTUS just doubled down on a 15. The best thing in the world would be if the midterm elections aren't a BloodBath, maybe with some luck for every 2 democrats lost, republicans lose one....

I realized the last few months, or maybe a year ago that much of my writing is sort of a mix of my favorite Writers. Catch this list, and maybe you will realize why I write the way I do:

Hunter S. Thompson

Hemingway

Salinger

Dickens

... If it isn't apparent, I've read everything by Hunter twice, and some of his books I've gone through 3 different copies of the same paperbacks, I wonder if there are some Hardbacks.

I've been reading more fiction, which seems to be loosening up my Muse....

..... and Speaking of a Loose Muse....

Damn, I almost misspelled "loose", the funny part is I pulled it off in loosening, then skrewed it in loose.

Some of you never followed my "in between" blog careerer, there was a period of time where I didn't have anything to blog about, so I spent time doing Soft Core Porn Reviews... Which makes me think, I should start that blog back up again.

Shit! I think I left Charles Bukowski off of my list.

Well, if this was an homage to Salinger.... I'd have to apologize.

bla bla bla

Everything is technical for me right now.

It’s all documentaries, and computer code.

Science and no art

If you want the Crazy talk,

It seems to me, that in some kind of quarterly sense, we are at an inflection point. We have a point where the great, cosmic living breathing animal, that is us.

Well, we have lost it.

All Sense of our Pretend Rationalism.

All Pretence of human decency.

Locked in our ideologies.(this is like a bad lyric)

The band that plays the songs of Hate and greed in our head is now playing their set. Given time they will walk off the stage, and a new one will begin.

6 days to the Ausie Open

Well, I'm excited...

Not only do we have Kim Clijsters, who came back last year, but my girl Justine has come back this year, I don't even know how many years she has been gone? 2? 3years?

In the Warm up... as I like to call the tournament that precedes the following open, Justine in her first tournament back, really took it to kim in the Final, got her to several match points after being heavily on the ropes in the first 2 sets. The match was absolutely amazing.

Lucidity is overrated

Took a nap, woke up cranky.

I'm reflecting on, changes for 2010. Over the past 10 years, due to getting older, wanting to be more responsible, maybe even improve the quality of my life. I've given up many things in that time, Vices shall we say. I guess I still drink a few times a year.

Here is the Rub, I'm just more angry. I remember when I was 16 or so, and started down "The Dark Path"

It was easier to be less aware.

I wanted more out of this post...

But I do think that I may make one of those lame resolutions, I resolve to not even try and date in 2010.

Maybe another thing I'll give up, that .... won't be a positive thing.

The perfect shoe

The perfect Shoe, for every David Tennant Doctor Who Fan.

Where were we?

... It's been so long. Y'all don't understand the stress I've been under for the past... Seems like a Decade. I'm very surprised my hair isn't white at this point. The market is like a war. Yet, if you play it like a game, it's not that complicated.

I've learned so many things, so many amazing and eye opening things. I literally have no idea how these dopes that seem to be at the head of things have stayed there so long. So, many fools and morons; filled with mythology, illusions, and an entire lack of intellectual integrity or curiosity. People who effectively bounce around like pin balls from one bumper in the great pinball game to another.

My brain is so scattered, but with the holiday I've had a chance to rest... Rebuild the old synapses. I've been tempted to write some short stories. I have a bunch of ideas, I think it would be fun to get some of them published, or at least try.

So, the horror show is this;

Seems like I'm on a 'Rebirth' for a new year, I refuse to have it be a new years thing. Yet it feels like it's game on. Time to get back to Salads and Coffee and Soup... and a need to earn my dinner.

Feels like a new age for "The mop" and whatever persona's I decide to play in this game we call Reality.

But what I really need;

Are some Converse Runners!