on thrift and booze

I'm going to try something new. I'm going to try and write and give it until the morning to publish it. I want to write an essay about writing, my writing.

One of the things this blog used to have was honesty. That was when it was best. I actually regret the fact it's harder to be honest. I think that honesty is the best part of real writing. That is much of what I would like to start getting back to.

It's also funny, sometimes I have an idea and I spit it out....... well 3 sentences later.... I've said it and that is the ball game. One paragraph....

I cracked open my last beer..... I'm hoping something can open the flood gates here.

I've really been metaphorically picking myself up off the floor for the past few months. Don't ask me why..... don't ask me how I got there.... Sort of an entangled mess of ... well when things are a mess or a Knot of tangled nonsense. Obviously it's impossible to explain a tangle web that to describe it as anything besides just that.

I sort of wish I could get really drunk and just wallow in it and get it all out. I am so filled with hate. If I mix that with my own self loathing for my lack of super hero status.... other various self loathing. Here it is 9pm and I want the day to end.... and I don't want tomorrow to start.... but it will, if I want it to or not.

Promise

I'm starting to doubt love will ever be what it once was. Now that I've said that, One has to wonder, I wonder if it ever was.

    I guess it has to be, If we didn't know the feeling, one wouldn't know the feeling that we were missing. Sense of wonder and excitement....... All it's promise.....

    Maybe that is what love is.... Promise. Sometimes I'm blown away by how words become the very epitome of the word. We make a promise to someone.... We keep that promise. In all of that promise.... we have promise. That is a relationship, the long lost healthy relationship..... The white Unicorn of Love.... To have and live up to our promise.... More to the point even to live up to our own promise. To live with promise.

   The antithesis... those that make promises they never intend to keep. Those that don't know what one is. Those that will never live up to any promise..... those that only make promises to convince people into giving them what they want. To never be willing to agknowledge the promise.... to lie about it even happening.

Hard days

I could just use feeling good for 10 hours. I've managed a couple hours. As much as I loath my physical condition.... It's improving. I need to not de-rail it. I also need to forgive myself for eating some bad crap... Meaning Wings and beer. Then eating... a plate full of turkey and cheese and some bread and pepperoni... .Why do I feel guilty about that. Besides the bread I should feel good.....

I just want to be a superhero and I want it now.

I want to not feel fat, I want to not be angry, . I want my shirts to not feel like tents(though maybe optimistically they are getting looser). I want to not hate myself..... I want to not hate everyone else.

I want to wake up refreshed and satiated. I want to feel like a new dawn has started and more progress can be made..... I want to be clear of thought and intention..... I want to be loved and respected.....

I want to put in hard days and feel like they are paying off.......

crackers with your...

I was talking to my father.... he had to tell me how he had paid bills today. You never met a person who took 2-3 days a month to pay bills. I know what avoiding it is like, but it really only takes an hour or two..... They also have bill pay.

I laughed at him. Then he added to victim status by saying "don't pick on me"....

Jesus...

Then I kick off an hour of self loathing about complaining about anything. Ya... You can fuck off. My body hurts and I need some sympathy and encouragement.

Felt good, tried not to kick off the self loathing of not riding today. something is off in one of my knees but I think it's ok, I want it to heal.... I'd jump off a bridge if I ended up taking a few days off at this point..... Well I'd probably just kill someone.

Feel like under me some strong legs are developing.... now if they could push something fitter than the bag of potatoes up top.

.... break open the gin.

How if I drink all day.

I pulled off my morning routine in 15 minutes..... Lets strava that!!! But now it has lead to a long morning of ..... Hating my day....

How if I quit.

maybe the coffee will kick in soon

The past month or so...

So..... I haven't gotten into this.

One friend who thinks that with my brother dying..... obviously I now want to get married. Unaware that when we dated..... she broke up with me 30-40 times.... like twice a month.

Another friend who didn't understand why she didn't get attention while I was In new Jersey, and when I spent the following weekend with family..... and why I couldn't fulfill her emotional needs during that time. Into the first of several tantrums.

Neither of them realizing that..... They broke up with me....

I'm telling everyone... here is a secret, if you want to be in a relationship. Don't break up with the person you want to date. I know....

This crap on top of my brother dying..... Ugh....

Curb Kicking!!

Tired as nails

I'm exhausted and on edge. I want to go to bed and get some good sleep..... wake up and start again tomorrow. I'm fairly emotionally worn out..... ya, taxing on the body and it's getting me on edge.

I think I may stop drinking... mostly.... You know for a time.... I really think that is part of my fitness problem. I mean.... to think about the gallons of booze I have had in the past months.... I don't think it has helped.

Lots of recovery today..... I am both completely emotionally worn out and.... want to chew nails.  so... that is a nice feeling...

so long...

More rambling

I have one remaining episode of "The Prisoner" to go. I'm going to be psyched to have it over. It's not very good. I'm just finishing it to prove I have the stamina to do so.

I do intend to write as I watch. What shall I write about. I swore I had something. I'm going to drink a cup of tea..... I should drink more tea. I rode for nearly 4 hours. Zero food. My riding is getting worse. Last fall, in horrible shape. I was moving nearly twice as fast. Even last week I was faster.

I'm guessing my current results, relative to past weeks are mostly because I'm getting fatigued and could use some rest. No rest for the wicked. I do feel stronger.....

The only easy day was yesterday......

What I don't like..... I'm riding on negative emotions. Lots of hate and anger and self loathing. I'd say I'm riding on the dark side, what I don't like about saying that is that we have negative emotions, its best to not pretend that they are there. They don't clear unless we let them out. Just because I can ride and am riding on negative emotions, doesn't mean they are taking over. It just means that they are there. What I don't want is for them to the the "source" of my riding. Otherwise we create the negative energy to keep the hate going to make it all happen. That is what I don't want..... at least that is my thesis.

I've also taken it easy, told myself to give myself a break. Just try and ride with some joy. I'm hoping that builds.


More tea.... How delicious, fruity tea.

Work and a dark place

I have to remember that it's working. I have to remember that all this work is worth it. Today's ride was as bad as it gets. Digging in as hard as I can. I said last weekend that it's how hard it feels, not how hard I ride. How it feels is the real sense for how hard I rode, how much I"m earning it.

I said today that I wish my body would just submit and decide to be athletic. I'm tired, and exhausted....I feel like crap.... I hate my fitness.... I hate my life. I'm really putting in the effort. I'm impatient for it to pay off. I'm working hard.
I look at where I was in the fall and feel like so much crap..... and I was in shitty shape in the fall. It's all my time on Google Pluss and probably all the Gin and Scotch I have drunk in the past 8 months. I look back and imagine how many gallons I have drunk..... Ugh....

Dark places indeed... Need to keep climbing out..... Need to get to where I was, need something....

I quit

Everyone hates me right now BTW. Yep, well many of you do not. Yet.... my usual people who say "I'm sorry you hurt." "Good job on the hard ride" "you are awesome, Keep doing it" "Atta boy" ..... "let me put some lotion on that"...... Well they all hate me now. Good for them...

I mean... what did I ever do but try and keep relationships going with them.... when they wanted to be crazy.

but I digress... On my ride today, that was the internal dialog "I fucking quit" Of course I did this until I couldn't climb any more. Saying .... well I can do one more hill... then I quit..... No... I can do the next hill.... then I'll really quit. Next road marker... then I quit... Until I said.... Oh... fuck... I just can't do that.

all on no food. I wanted to bring food.... but I was distracted and disoriented out the door and my pockets were empty.......

but seriously... I fucking quit.

aren't there supposed to be rewards for this shit..... and seriously Strava says "I suck".... Nice to have gutted myself and come home and have strava say "You rode like you felt.... Fucking quit loser"

Earthquake

It sort of feels like an earthquake under my feet right now. The whole ground is shaking and i'm just trying to to stay upright. It's good. It shakes out all the refuse. All the weak links.

Oreo's btw are really not good dipped in milk. I think good washed down with milk... not good drenched in milk. Not like chocolate chip cookies.

Strange, I need to have some belief that things will turn out, that things will be good. Maybe that things will be less crazy or a manageable level of crazy. I don't have much tolerance for it. I have an ability to deal with it, but I don't like it. By tolerance... it just means I literally can't tolerate it. Funny, I developed a fairly hyper aware sense for the nonsense.

ah... cookies.... Seriously... cookies and the earthquake are not related.

Fitness

Or lack thereof....

Yesterday Kicked my ass. Probably overdressed, some odd 800 feet of real climbing. More than that if I get to count every gyration. But it hurt. The good thing is I feel just a little bit more like an athlete today. I managed a small ride today. I'm trying not to hate the ride I'm going to do tomorrow. Who knows.... I'm just trying to enjoy it. That may be working.... just to enjoy my rides....

Ride with love and joy....

maybe live with love and joy. 

more over it...

.... Seem to be over much of the bullshit.

Honestly sick of the crazy people. Can't take it anymore. I'm trying to free myself of all of it, create a vacuum  and hopefully some good stuff will fill in.

It's a lonely prospect. Things shouldn't be this way..... There should be more love in the world. I don't mean more Sex. I know people are shallow. But for hells sake, could there just be more love. Tons of resources, tons of time on our hands.... And what do we do with it.... Not enough love I'll tell you that...

And the shallowness..... seems like it's part of what destroys us.... Like sex got tacked onto love like a parasite. Obviously some nice Loving sex is a good thing.

Please.... I beg "the powers that be, Out with the bullshit and in with some good"...

I'm so tired of the bullshit.

Going to do a sort of drunken homage to W.S.Bouroughs....

I was inspired by something. I don't remember what.... dislike bile anger.... hate.... I should type this up on the typewriter.... the dynamics of form change the art.....  Form and technology can dictate art almost as much as theme.

Yes, pardon me I have been drinking..... Sometimes it's what breaks loose the cobwebs....... Judge... don't judge.... it's what I have.

1994.... You know it is a fucking eternity ago.... some of the kids today were born there... lets do the math. 1994-2012. ... fuckers born then are 18 now. Speed, dumb and dumber, Forest Gump.... they were born that year... they have no recollection of those..... it's not until 2000 that they start to remember.... beyond that they are "Classics" Forrest gump as a classic...... I'm not a smart man, Jenny!!!! Run Forrest Run.... it's a fucking classic to them. They smell a whiff of the seven samurai....... War Games was a quaint and curious future...... I lived that shit....

Jesus... how much I hate Jesus. Biblical scholars can't agree on if Jesus was born in a manger or a cave.... if the "last supper" was passover or not..... but evolution.... that is a problem... because every nuance hasn't been worked out. I hate to say this outloud... but if you don't know if he was born in a manger... you probably don't know if he was born. I mean fuck... was he a carpenter or a laborer.... ya.. .the text isn't clear...

but some olives and some unleavened bread can cure anything

I dig this writing .... This is much better... much .... more real... Feels good.... Feels honest.

I want a taco!!!

Down to you and me

White Wine.... I may have to finish the bottle.

The bungled and the botched.




I think I need about 10 more friends.....

Ever get the feeling you are being punished for your sins..... What sins? Punished for being decent. we are all punished.....

What if I drink straight out of the bottle.

Lone Peak

I am going to set a cross training goal. I think I'm going to do lone peak soon. I need to do something solid first. I've put a few miles in on my feet. They should be good.

It would be nice to do a short back back to prep.

Seems like it would be a fun way to get more fitness going.....

Sure I could solo it in one day.... That isn't that much fun.....

I think that overall I'm feeling good. I feel like I'm on a fresh start on the old pathway. I'm not much into the old bullshit and ready for some new things.
Feels like the old zest is coming back.

I remember an old mantra....

Shit is going to change or something is going to get broke. allonzy!!!

Tired of ...

Well, I'm exhausted from being angry. It's going to ebb and flow but.... exhausted from it.

Today was a rest day. I'd like to rest more.

ugh.... Going to lay down.

Dream

   So, I had a dream. I had a car very like the car in "the wrath"

It seemed to run on Jelly jet fuel... and they started selling it at gas stations. I don't know probably about my anger.
Somehow there were some women, and I was dating one.... but some dude kept trying to steal my car and it was getting in the way of my relationship.... or something.
Not sure my anger currently is getting in the way of anything date wise. I don't know. I guess regardless, my anger is my anger and the emotion is real.

I had a thought about my anger, it was more that I sort of needed it. Need to not deny my real feelings, that isn't healthy. Just because I'm angry.... I think I get to be angry. One of my thoughts was that maybe I don't get angry enough. Maybe I still withdraw and repress my anger.

Some of my anger is certainly at myself. That was what the therapist(my bike) said today. As much as I'm angry at some externalities, maybe even at the world at large. I'm also angry at myself.... I need to do more, I need to be more.

Ride with love and joy......

One of the things that strikes me. I look around at the woman around me. I see impossible relationships, ones that are friendships. It's good, it's healthy. People far away as well as woman who I know won't date me.

Then there are the dysfunctional ones. I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago. She was talking about something, I said...."that is not what she told me 6 months ago" she lead me to believe something completely opposite. She was lying now or she was lying then. A direct lie. Either way she was leading me to believe she was someone who she wasn't. I was like....

I guess for the most part I must be too honest, I guess I should accept all the lying that goes on. I just feel stupid when it's like I'm being taken advantage of.

Where is that In between woman..... where is she....

I was talking to .... I keep wanting to think that I'm just not seeing this right woman. I'm too caught up in bullshit. Somehow she is invisible.... but ... I take a count of the woman in my life. It's like some kind of polar opposite thing.

I was talking to a friend.... It's just that woman who can just hang on for long enough. One that can just manage to not throw furniture at me or spend 3 hours telling me shit she hates about me.... well that I already hate about myself.... Ya! Lady, I'm working on it. If you shut your pie hole for long enough to let me deal with it. I could start working on it.....

But when do I get my Tirade.... when do I get to say "You are an ungrateful Bitch! I spent three hours trying to fix that thing you were complaining about..... When will you extend that same courtesy....

bla bla bla.....
Where is the woman who can just love me for a while. I mean... I'm just asking for one every other month... or half of one every month.

When do I get to have a tantrum..... Maybe I should have more or something.... maybe my expectations are too high.

Where is all the new wine.

Turmoil.... and

Giving an update. I want to write good things. These, I know are not it. I do like to try and write.... I want to really express ideas, good ideas. It's a difficult thing, some kind of line between shitting on the page and Developing a craft. I still wonder if this is helpful. I do apologize. I'm sure these posts are ok, and have their moments. They are more an emotional purge than craft. Again, sorry.

Ya, there is some turmoil. Here I am at 11pm I really want to sleep. Not sure why, besides to get some rest. I don't have much on my plate tomorrow. I probably need some rest. How am I going to rest though.... maybe if I just lay down and rest.

Still angry... but kind of over it. I think I have been angry and besides my disappointment  I think I have had my emotion and .... we will see.

Disappointed.... that is the word.

I'm not happy to have ridden with rage today, I'd rather ride with love or with joy. I sort of tried. it was a tough day on the bike. 10mph winds.. I see many of the guys complaining about it. Fuck you ..... you ... fucktards.

Maybe that should be my new mantra.... ride with love or for joy.

This is all I have.

Pummel

I went out and flagellated myself on the bike. Filled with hate right now. Sorry, but this is where I'm getting my emotions out right now. It's not like most the people who read the blog are the people I dislike. To be honest most of you are probably the only people I can stand right now. It's not like I hate you.

  I'm just filled with hate. 3 hours on the bike way out as far as I could stand then back in a 10mph headwind. Soul crushing.... Well, one would hope. My soul is kind of crushed right now.

This reminds me of the whole Sarah incident. That was a mistake. What it reminds me of is how much I want to ride all day or hike then drink until I can't stand.

So 3 hours of bike riding.... Now we will see what happens.

The horrible thing is that to not be able to come up with a better metaphor .... it just feels like the dark side is calling. Like a siren call.....It's hard not to just be filled with a ton of hate right now.

Meeting

I'm on deck for a 3 hour session with my therapist(my bike). As someone said "a stern strict therapist". I'm not sure how much I agree.... cause cyclists are not exactly unequivocally sane. It's still good to go out and clear the cobwebs.

   I'm still very angry

dream

I have this dream where there are roving bears. We have to kill them to protect ourselves. this one is probably some kind of predator dream. Obviously.... there are predators out to get us.

It's recurring. Yep.... not real fond of people right now....
lets see if I can get another couple hours of sleep.

The impossible sleep

Well, now sleep is impossible. I hate everything I try and watch.

Ya, well.... these are the emotions and they are not any fun......

Just for joy... and to get it out... Go Fuck Yourself..... That is the mood I am in.

Yep... I hit it...

Some good solid anger. Good for me.

Nobody to share it with.... which is apropos to my life....

ya.... Jam it....

Demons..... Redux....better than reflux

One of those days.

I'm just exhausted. Need to take some vitamins. This is really taxing. I'm not used to working, riding, and playing.

Shaking, Chasing, Battling, Being devoured, Tormented, Teased.... By all the Demons.

Sometimes I just forget what I'm supposed to do about them. I used to ignore them, I used to face them and realize they weren't real. Strange thing is they always came back. I guess if they return they are real.... in my mind or not.

I've always said that the only tattoo I would get would be one that protected me from evil. Maybe it needs to remind me what to do about demons.

What do you do?

and a Google search doesn't help... because demons are a metaphor for our psychological demons.

I've tried the gin as well, what I have liquor can't seem to cure.

I do know I'm supposed to talk to my friends.... I tried that. Nobody seems to be home.... 1000 ways to contact people... nobody is there. One of those Ironies... we have never been so in contact... never been so far away from each other.

I think I'm supposed to fight the demons.... I think I have to face them head on..... and kick their ass.

Long week, long weekend

It's been a long weekend. I've called and messaged every person I know. Everyone's cup is full. Mine is not. It's moments like this where I want to share what a rough week it has been with someone dear. Right now there is nobody. It seems so little to ask, I guess 'Some' of the connotation.... some of the baggage is more than ...
Just saying, just because I called doesn't mean anything but I wanted to talk with someone.... even about nothing.

When all else fails...... There is always the Gin.....
and Bowie....

Bowie loves me!!!! I know he does.

Hmmm.... maybe he is the original hipster..... but.... if that is true he really was Original Gangster.

Exhausted

So tired I can only write about being tired...... Long weekend with tons of bike fun..... too much drama..... and not enough love.....

This is all I have.... and what seems like a dehydration headache.

Something in the air.

This had me almost crying on the bike today.
Your coat and hat are gone
I really can't look at your little empty shelf
A ragged teddy bear
It feels like we never had a chance
Don't look me in the eye

We lay in each others arms
But the room is just an empty space
I guess we lived it out
Something in the air
We smiled too fast 
Then can't think of a thing to say

Lived with the best times
Left with the worst
I've danced with you too long
Nothing left to say

Let's take what we can
I know you hold your head up high
We've raced for the last time
A place of no return

And there's something in the air
Something in my eye
I've danced with you too long
Something in the air
Something in my eye

Abracadoo - I lose you
We can't avoid the clash
The big mistake
Now we're gona pay and pay
The sentence of our lives
Can't believe I'm asking you to go

We used what we could
To get the things we want
But we lost each other on the way
I guess you know I never wanted 
Anyone more than you

Lived all our best times
Left with the worst
I've danced with you to long
Say what you will

But there's something in the air
Raced for the last time
Well I know you hold your head up high
There's nothing we have to say
There's nothing in my eyes
But there's something in the air
Something in my eye
I've danced with you too long
There's something I have to say
There's something in the air
Something in my eye
I've danced with you too long

Great Joy

One of the great joys of cycling. One of the indulgences I allow myself.

After a long ride, a nice long shower and liberally spreading lotion all over after a nice shower. It's like feeling  like I never have before. Like feeling soft and happy and Filled with great joy.

....
Oh.... how can I finish that post without that reference...
It may be creepy.....
But how can you not do it? Riddle me that Batman?

Love

I really wish I could write a few paragraphs on love. My current thoughts on love.

well.... they just aren't in me at this point

Bike game....

It feels like it's on.

Somehow I managed to get a muscle in my upper back tweeked, not pulled, I think just cramped. It's time for the vitamins, time for the regular bananas, time for the supplements...
Yet.... Good lord i'm out of shape. Seems like a lot to go from ..... slow to go.

Strange what it takes to light the fuse....

but...
who knows maybe the fuse isn't lit.

Library....

I didn't see her when I was there..... Maybe she quit.... maybe she knows I'm stalking her and hides..... Le Sigh....(snark)

As I locked up my bike with my super duper bike lock, Not pictured

It is amusing to me that my bike lock is worth more than my bike. I find it Ironic. Also Ironic is that My bike and lock are still more valuable than any of the bikes locked up on the rack.

Here is a sign of being of advanced age..... It's also amusing that the other bikes are depreciating and mine is appreciating.

Bike Game.

Deep thoughts

What is it in dream analysis. So much overthinking.

I fell asleep at like midnight or one. I'm sleeping ten hours so I get up at 10 or so.

My last dream was. Ordering food with my extended family, breakfast or dinner. For some reason I was moving, and moving my records. and for some reason I was dating "lori" from The walking dead.

Of course I date crazy
The last thing was lori saying I need to communicate better.

wow..... deep, don't we all.

Sometimes a dream is just a dream and a banana is just a banana.

Wisdom

Now this little piece of wisdom from James Bond.

"why do Chinese girls taste different from other girls?"

Oh.... the 60's
You only live twice

Tired

After staying up so late, I was very worried about sleeping in and got up at 8am. Now I'm exhausted. But jacked up on several high potency shots of espresso.... so that is unpleasant.

I am hoping for a quick nap, and then maybe I can resume my regular programming, or irregular programming.

Just an hour of relaxation. Then maybe the wheel will turn to the next setting. Move onto the next thing

this post sucks.

I thought I had you

Oh! insomnia.... I had you beat. There were so many restful nights... only to leave me here.

Maybe it is because I didn't eat.
Maybe it was the espresso at 10:30
Maybe it is my being unsettled in my path...

maybe I'm just not able to sleep...

Fuck... but I did watch the hunt for red October.

Treaties

A treaties on ....

It's midnight, obviously something is bothering me. No fun.... I'm on the verge of my 3 hour ride.... banner day. Chasing demons. I don't know how to

It's the old wounds....

and here I am caught in a couple different worlds, caught between heaven and hell..... Not sure which way leads to my goal, but certainly whichever I choose will be my destination.

Dance card

I don't know how my dance card got full..... Strange that my card can be full, yet I can feel kind of lonely. 

Full cup...... but still struggling. 

More rest,  more exercise.

Shaking off the Cocoon

Trying hard these days, I want to get back to the regular 3 hour rides. Of course then the follow up 5 hour rides.  Trying to clear my system and my mind and my life to make them possible. Visualizing the rides. Visualizing and actualizing my life as one that these things exist...... but trying to get there one step at a time.

Zen... mind over the 3 hour ride.

Library

   Just so you know, I'm in love with one of my librarians. Ok, love is probably a stretch, and if I talked to her the veil may be lifted and I may not find her as charming as my ideal. None the less, in love with one of my librarians.

It's that kind of love where I can't talk to her. If I did I guess I assume she will know that I'm attracted to her, and wouldn't that be the worst thing in the world. I guess for now it's just going to be awkward looks from the isles of books. Attempts to keep my secret love on the down low..... I mean, what is a secret love for if it isn't a secret anymore. 

Off to the library to get some new fun stuff. 

Self sooth

Today was a good day to rest. There were a few hours yesterday where I laid down an felt relaxed. Finally, I felt as though I was able to relax. This may enable me to feel more productive. I made it on the bike, I think  I even saw myself putting in 3 or so hours on the old bike, Hopefully soon.
   To live in constant anxiety, to be unable to rest and recuperate.... an Inability to self Sooth. It felt good today to rest, and maybe it can lead to accomplishing more this week.

  ugh... this post sucked.

Caught between Heaven and Hell

I feel caught between worlds. I wish I could list them. I just feel as though I'm a man without a home, a man without a place to rest.... a path to follow, a journey to take. One can sit and feel as though the path they are on is correct, if ones evolved senses tell him he is on the right path. I sit at this crossroads and feel as though they are all wrong.

   I did feel the right path, I know it is here somewhere..... I just have to find it.... among the chaos.

I need more REM sleep. I'm getting there, but My body doesn't need the rest my mind does.

Ugh was more familiar with death than we are today.

  I'm a fan of wondering, since we are roughly only a few thousand years out of the caves, I  wonder why we feel the way we do. sure over 5 or 10 K years. 5000 years ago was when the Wheel was invented. Does civilization start at the wheel?
 I like to imagine how things were different back then than they are now. I feel like it gives me some understanding on some of our "Modern struggles" maybe even what we term "first world problems". It just seems like in our anesthetized, Sterilized world that we are very detached from death. When it comes we struggle to deal with it, struggle to face it, struggle to recognize it. Death is for people over 70, death is for junkies passed out in gutters, Death is for the poor.
   Many a year ago when we used to hunt mammoth  death was for everyone, Lions jumped us as we returned, even a few hundred years ago 40 years old was ancient. Death came for the young, death came for us all...... seemingly randomly. We were all intimate with death. Ugh the caveman Knew more about death than we ever will.
   Today we have what seems like a luxury, dissonance of our mortality, ... enough disconnection with reality that we can contemplate immortality. Invincibility until our 20's.

That being said, Mortality sucks, death comes for us all.

Trying to find some center.

 Here I sit. I'm actually trying to get some recipes in my recipe book. I don't know why, but it seems like it's the one thing I feel like doing.

My infamous Paella, Eggs Benedict, the Frosting for german chocolate cake. All of it needs to go in a book.

I probably need to create a "To Do" list.

Somehow that seems overwhelming.

I wish I could share some of the feelings I have.... I guess I'm not there yet, with the blog. Most of it is un-death related. More personal.

I should probably get out on the bike.

A start

Things have finally settled down a bit. I managed 10 hours of sleep last night. That was nice. I still have some mess to clean up from the past few weeks. I do now have some time to Breath and to start taking some stock in my own life.
   One of the nice things, and I hope to hang onto it, is that I have that glimmer of "my life" again. That glimpse of my life, the dream life. I have a sense for what my life could be. I'm not talking about some dream Life in a mansion, laying back and have people feeding me Grapes. The fun and difficult life, filled with living breathing adventure and passion. That everyday no matter where you are, one can find joy and passion. Though filled with work and sweat.
   I know that there is just a glimmer at this point.

But like a breath of fresh air.... it's at least there again. Now like a dog on a scent..... lets hunt it down and find it.

quick note

I haven't been updating the blog much. My oldest brother died. I've been dealing with that stuff. I hopefully will return to regular or irregular programming soon.

All Politics are Local

  I was sitting with a friend who is setting up a new business. He filled out a form incorrectly and now he either has to file something new or repay a fee. He went on a long rant about government regulation and it hindering business. I literally picked up the phone and started screaming, about his hypocrisy  Oh how the liberal once he starts a business starts sounding like a republican. Convenient.
   No less than 5 years ago I was drinking and was saying that Trade is good. I'm not a fan of "free trade" but trade is good. He piled onto me in some kind of "occupy" anti WTO rant. I believe in reasonable and fair regulation on business and trade. But trade is good.

The Irony that this same person who gave me the full court press on Free trade and corporate injustice against the little man. Suddenly, now that he is starting a business it's all Anti regulation and interference with his business. After he fucked up a form and has to re-apply, which costs him a week. I spent a year negotiating a phone system once. 

   There was another point in the conversation where he told me that there was never a time when bureaucracy helped anyone. I started listing things in both our lives where "the state" stepped in and helped to stop things that business should not be doing. He was like "oh ya!" 

   What is funny is how little we remember, how hard it is to keep a broader view. How easy it is to have an ideology or belief, until it costs you something. Until it inconveniences you. How we are apparently more interested in the politics of the moment, and not a consistent belief system. Isn't that the difference between running on our lizard brain and operating on higher functions. To most people "All Politics are local" 

Next up.... When did life get so cheep? 

tired

Or not.... fell asleep at 1 woke up at 3am.

I guess that is the update.

Update

   I haven't written enough recently.

  How can you let your kid have helmet hair like that. Poor child actors. I guess that isn't entirely fair. Regardless of success they should receive enough money for a college education. With rampant poverty across the globe "Poor child actors" seems .... Like a super 1st world problem.

Well, This was by far more than I had intended to write. Just jotting down what went through my head. I'm lamenting the last 2 seasons of West Wing. They bring up 8 is enough. said the mom was hot. Reminded me that A. the mom died in the first season, actress died of breast cancer Was dating John Travolta....BTW seems like Travolta went of momie figures... CREEPY! In the west wing they talk about the mom not knowing anything about birth control. Again, the "Mom" on the show was not the mom of the 8 kids. Also... How the hell was it believable that dick van Patton dated those two. We really are stupid. 

Writing ideas

Ideas use to come to me. They don't seem to anymore. I had a few ideas but they are fleeting. There were Two yesterday I didn't manage to retain them. I sit here and hope to grasp onto one of them. I remember trying to remember to remember for quite some time.
   Sometimes if feels like they weren't meant to be, but it is just a memory thing.

now I sit to write and ... this is all I have.... why keep going.

Quasimodo....

Exhausted.... I woke up too early. There wasn't enough coffee in the world today.

Somebody called me brilliant....I like the sound of that, little do they know....

I honestly didn't think I could feel like more of a dork... The past few weeks I have really felt like a dork. Some of it is just from getting older. It's one of those things where I wake up and look in the mirror, my hair is long and sticking up and I feel like a baboons bum. The other day I woke up constipated and my back hurt, I wandered around like Quasimodo.... I think I even added various grunts and groans.

Writing

  I sat down and watched "Flight" which was honestly an impressive movie. I have never had a movie make me want to both Drink so much, and Not drink. All at the same time. There was a point in the movie, which I didn't finish where I swear, I wanted the guy to find god so badly. I have never wanted a person to find god in my life. Yet, there I am thinking that 'finding god' is going to be his only salvation. Not saying there is a god. Just saying that 'finding god' was going to be his only way out. Not out of trouble, but out of the downward spiral his life was in.

Speaking of which. I keep wanting to work on my writing. I kind of think it may loosen me up to have a drink first. Yet....

I swear I had an idea earlier.... and now it has slipped my mind.

I wish...

   I wish I could tell you what it is like to be up at 2am and be irritated by something I can do nothing about. I mean that is what it is about. My brain wants to solve the unsolvable. So here I sit.

Truth is if I worked on more stuff... i'd probably be less worried about it.

Here I sit.... Like always... Please please let sleep take me.....

Where is the dog?

I'm just going to write and .... do some shit. I went for a little bike ride today and I didn't shower. I need to shower.... I'm hoping it will get me to sleep. I'm also hoping to tell some funny stories about my bike ride today.

Ok, took a shower... hoping this helps. I've had such a miserable time putting any thoughts together. My desire for some Gin was ... solid tonight. I'd love to just be put to sleep, Won't work... I could drink 5 shots of gin, i'd sleep 2 hours and wake up hung over. Else 3 shots of gin and just be drunk until 3am.

My massive case of the fuggets continues. seems like a sort of midlife crisis.... I'd bet that is the truth of my current horror. Midlife.... WTF ... like I haven't even lived my life yet.... and early onset midlife crisis....

Fucking fun.

So I went out and rode my bike, I just wanted to get out. I managed 4 miles. I just logged into strava to find out people threw down big miles today... like 80.... Oh ya... let me put my 5 miles in ... that feels good. I'm not sure strava is helping.... Oh... Fucking Sly has more miles that I do, this weekend.... Nice, I can hate myself just a little more.

So, I am out there. I woke up feeling like a troll and my back had me walking like one. On my way back, there is this nice group of Moms dads and kids.... So, had to drop them.... Nice to put the screws to yourself dropping a guy with a hoodie and a kid trailer with a 30 speed from Wallmart.... Super proud.

Well at least I wasn't the guy drafting off of him.

mire and club

   Not sure.... My blog doesn't seem to provide the relief it use to... I almost wrote used to.... it's always looked strange.... the ol' utah upbringing..... use to. Much more elegant... and I would hope grammatically correct...

    I had the worst indigestion this morning. Somehow eating something right now seems to sooth whatever it is.... my tendency to find new ways to cope are impressive. I guess they are for all people.
    Who knows what I ate... it involved tuna.

12:30 I'm still awake. I woke up at 7am. My head continues to be a ...... mire.

if anything could put me to sleep.... maybe a club...

Spring Tired....

   I don't know what I did all day.... It involved coffee, work, a bike ride and way too much corned beef. Corned been in spring is my Kryptonite. Mashed potatoes with horseradish. My heart almost stopped.... and there is still more.

I'm reading a book from a defector from the Westborough baptist church, It's an easy read.... slow like a biography....Why do I need to know about your grandfather.... fortunately it's only about a page.

I want to..... get some good sleep....

old shoe

No updates from the diary.

ok.... I tried....

I managed the infamous get up at 7am, then decide to turn the heat on the bed and fall back into blissful slumber. There is something about heat below you.... it kind of makes you want to sink deeper into bed.

Feels like a rest day. you know 45 miles in 3 days.... hang onto your hat...

Old Shoe McGoo

I had some stories I would be better off sharing with you. But....

I managed some cleaning and laundry folding. Wow... all the cycling clothing is organized. It will help to get me out the door instead of a 20 min search for gloves. Of course that still leaves the 40 minutes of procrastination.
   You know... Just feel like old shoe McGoo. Getting older, starting to look and feel like my grandmother.

Well.... it's going to be a couple of days. How if I just say fuck it and sort my socks again.

Was trying to find out about New Age Magical philosophies of Russian mystics...

Nothing like waking up un-refreshed

   I like a mello morning. Nothing like getting up and feeling like i'm on the run. It really does feel like spring out there. And I feel like an old shoe.

   I like daylight savings, more time in the sun after work. I'm getting out on the bike. It's the big rides that make the little ones seem easy. 

   I miss feeling like a worn out super hero. I think I'm getting some rest, some real relaxation. Real rest...

I had a longer post.... I'd like to see some bigger ideas develop for posts.

Neck hurts.

Joy, isn't it how it is. I did manage some sleep yesterday. I'm going to bed early. Spring is springing.... What a hideous 6  months. At some point I expect a reprieve... I'm not getting it. New drama has tried to enter my life......
I should just avoid it. I'm sure I'll somehow decide to be an idiot.

In other news, I know something about tomorrow....

How if I just mention it without saying it.....

Seven Raider

Dear Diary,

   Well, it's my blog and I'll do what I want. I understand it's boring to hear about my sleep and insomnia. I get that. It's this or nothing. I'm trying to write more, so this is what you get. I went to bed early, then woke up at 2am, with nightmares. Sort of this weird snowy day, traveling in the ice and snow. Cafe and I was wandering around with Jerry Ryan or Angelina Jolie... funny how somehow the two are similar in my mind. That is something about my dreams, not sure about yours. One person can become another. It probably wasn't one or the other, it was probably both.

  Well, here I am up at 2am.

epic case

I have a wicked case of the fug'ets, Dear Diary.

It's cold, I don't want to ride my bike, well I did... but what I don't want to do is put on a ton of clothing to do so....

How do I get a doughnut.

Cain

   My instincts say, "You should walk the earth like Cain". Somehow I can walk the earth on some quest. I'd ask what my intent was. I think I need to think on that one.

.......
I said today that my inner 3 year old seems to need feeding. It keeps going "I don'wana", and I keep listening.

1:30 am

Sleep isn't happening. Worse things have happened. This is the kind of evening I wish I had drunk a little gin, assuming I had slept. I even managed a few miles by bike. By the time I finish writing this it will be 2am....
What was a Going to write....
  Things have been very crazy this week. I like to call it spring mania.Times like this, you are not sure if it's just you that is being crazy or everyone. Most likely it's everyone, but I'm really trying to "be the change that I want to see" so, I'm trying to whip out the zen. I'm super haunted right now.. by literally everything. The best part is There is a new emotion going on in my head. This one isn't particularly healthy. I think My subconsciousness just gave me the answer, but I'm going to have to ruminate on it. Going to have to do some thinking and meditating on it. It's wild when the mind plays this game, you have a craving for something... You don't know why. Then when you feed that craving... you realize ... OH! I knew this answer all along. I knew this, I'd seen it before... in this book or in this movie.....

The mind is strange....

Wow! actually I was just looking at this training block 80 miles which is twice what I thought I had.

Where is that Zen!!!

   I have been working on recovering some of my zen. I think it's the nature of it that you ask, Did I ever have any? or was I just being a quiet baboon.

   Well.... Trying to get that going. Those are some martini...

Sleep and dreams

Something is just not right with my sleep. Every once in a while my dreams are ok, but most of the time they are disturbing. It's all dead uncles who died many years ago. If I could identify the pattern I might identify and what I can do in my life to rectify it.

till then

Something

I wanted to write something today. I am not psyched to write about my sleep... to the rejoicing of whatever audience I have.  I'm up to 4-6 readers. That is something. Spring has sprung.

I am so out of shape, it's embarrassing. Not like the embarrassment helps. Just makes me feel less like working out. The other part.... I just know the pummeling I need to give myself. I think I have also decided that maybe I'll do better if I take more rest.
Take 2 good rest days a week, and some more mello rides.

you know.... something.

Last and final update on sleep

Here is the last update. Had a final nightmare. My uncle was dying in it, some kind of brain tumor. Fortunately when I woke Up I was relieved to remember he died 6 years ago.

Try three

It's actually morning. I could drink coffee and take a walk and wake up.

No, I"m going to cry about my sleep..Nightmare after nightmare after nightmare. and I even remember them

Ugh... still tired....

Man can not live by internet kitten alone

I think, I'm just saying. I guess in the internet universe the Cat universe is the one not so filled with.... You know, internet memes about corruption.

I had to take a shower. Something stank, and it was coming out of my pores. Wing sauce and beer BTW. Strange I reacted to it. Sometimes in the shower I have moments where I understand the OCD people who can't get clean enough. I had a moment where I wanted to just sit in the shower and have a melt down. I sometimes.wish I could have those moments, it would be cathartic.

Is sleep too much to ask. I put my head down, and I would only ask that it be restful and recuperative.

Now here it is 2 sessions of sleep One of 3-4 hours and a second of 3-4 hours.

Short sleep

I knew it was going to be rough. I struggled getting to sleep. Like knowing an accident was going to happen and not being able to do anything about it. Manifest Nightmare Destiny. Where are my dreams of Puppies and Kittens.

Sure enough, 2-3 hours of sleep and an angry nightmare. Stop being so angry all the time, maybe that will help. Sure.... make water run uphill. Funny, I sleep ok. But then my tv goes off and it leaves me with my own thoughts and dreams.... that is where the trouble comes.

Where are all the puppies and kittens.... Ya, lets try it again, because obviously the second round of sleep won't have anything wrong with it... that never happens. Obviously I have nothing to fear from trying to sleep again. No reason to be afraid that I'll just have more nightmares. Ya.... back to sleep.... easy...

chasing demons

Strange day, I was hoping to write a few paragraphs on it. I'm actually tired and too tired .

I'm feeling like I'm getting centered and balanced again.... but it's still a struggle. Still some struggle and some residual demons coming after me. It's good demons are there to be delt with.... that they are there means I need to deal. but... it's killing my mojo.

Work too hard

I seem to work too hard in my dreams. I keep wondering why I am not getting restful sleep. I think it's more why I don't wake up refreshed. Last night I fixed two cars and argued with 2 auto mechanics. I built a bridge with a shifting breaking base and of course I was on the one that degraded the most.

and those were just the dreams I remember.

Put some time in on the bike, It was sad and it hurt.... I wanted to vomit, I wanted to cry... my leg hurts.... I'm fatigued. I ate but didn't eat.... I felt I deserved a pizza but didn't have it.

ugh... well I work too hard in my dreams.... Wish I got that much done during the day.

Update... I went back to sleep

U-boat captain.... I have to stop dreaming, it's too much work

The day that wasn't

I'm not sure what happened, I may be still upset from finding out about my friend's cancer. Maybe just reminding myself of mortality and that time in life. They are like bookends of life, all in one person.

I woke up at 5am. I became very obsessed with a Johnny Cash song.

It's really fucking amazing and the video helps.

But the day got away from me. I have no idea what happened. I'd suggest that one problem was I didn't have coffee until about 11pm. I didn't get any exercise until about 10. I really have no idea where the day went. Seems obvious I was lost in thought, I don't really know about what though. From what I have been typing I'm seeing a theme. Sounds like I should just admit what it's about.
    For the past few days I have really started to feel better, I'm feeling like i'm getting back in touch with my 'Core'. I was listening to Pink floyd Welcome to the Machine, and fell in love again with that song specifically and with Wish you were here.  I haven't 'Felt' music like that in quite some time. Probably the same is true for 'God is going to Cut you down'

Well, like I said I do feel like I'm getting back to .... Center.... None the less, it's like I lost a day.