The impossible sleep

Well, now sleep is impossible. I hate everything I try and watch.

Ya, well.... these are the emotions and they are not any fun......

Just for joy... and to get it out... Go Fuck Yourself..... That is the mood I am in.

Yep... I hit it...

Some good solid anger. Good for me.

Nobody to share it with.... which is apropos to my life....

ya.... Jam it....

Demons..... Redux....better than reflux

One of those days.

I'm just exhausted. Need to take some vitamins. This is really taxing. I'm not used to working, riding, and playing.

Shaking, Chasing, Battling, Being devoured, Tormented, Teased.... By all the Demons.

Sometimes I just forget what I'm supposed to do about them. I used to ignore them, I used to face them and realize they weren't real. Strange thing is they always came back. I guess if they return they are real.... in my mind or not.

I've always said that the only tattoo I would get would be one that protected me from evil. Maybe it needs to remind me what to do about demons.

What do you do?

and a Google search doesn't help... because demons are a metaphor for our psychological demons.

I've tried the gin as well, what I have liquor can't seem to cure.

I do know I'm supposed to talk to my friends.... I tried that. Nobody seems to be home.... 1000 ways to contact people... nobody is there. One of those Ironies... we have never been so in contact... never been so far away from each other.

I think I'm supposed to fight the demons.... I think I have to face them head on..... and kick their ass.

Long week, long weekend

It's been a long weekend. I've called and messaged every person I know. Everyone's cup is full. Mine is not. It's moments like this where I want to share what a rough week it has been with someone dear. Right now there is nobody. It seems so little to ask, I guess 'Some' of the connotation.... some of the baggage is more than ...
Just saying, just because I called doesn't mean anything but I wanted to talk with someone.... even about nothing.

When all else fails...... There is always the Gin.....
and Bowie....

Bowie loves me!!!! I know he does.

Hmmm.... maybe he is the original hipster..... but.... if that is true he really was Original Gangster.

Exhausted

So tired I can only write about being tired...... Long weekend with tons of bike fun..... too much drama..... and not enough love.....

This is all I have.... and what seems like a dehydration headache.

Something in the air.

This had me almost crying on the bike today.
Your coat and hat are gone
I really can't look at your little empty shelf
A ragged teddy bear
It feels like we never had a chance
Don't look me in the eye

We lay in each others arms
But the room is just an empty space
I guess we lived it out
Something in the air
We smiled too fast 
Then can't think of a thing to say

Lived with the best times
Left with the worst
I've danced with you too long
Nothing left to say

Let's take what we can
I know you hold your head up high
We've raced for the last time
A place of no return

And there's something in the air
Something in my eye
I've danced with you too long
Something in the air
Something in my eye

Abracadoo - I lose you
We can't avoid the clash
The big mistake
Now we're gona pay and pay
The sentence of our lives
Can't believe I'm asking you to go

We used what we could
To get the things we want
But we lost each other on the way
I guess you know I never wanted 
Anyone more than you

Lived all our best times
Left with the worst
I've danced with you to long
Say what you will

But there's something in the air
Raced for the last time
Well I know you hold your head up high
There's nothing we have to say
There's nothing in my eyes
But there's something in the air
Something in my eye
I've danced with you too long
There's something I have to say
There's something in the air
Something in my eye
I've danced with you too long

Great Joy

One of the great joys of cycling. One of the indulgences I allow myself.

After a long ride, a nice long shower and liberally spreading lotion all over after a nice shower. It's like feeling  like I never have before. Like feeling soft and happy and Filled with great joy.

....
Oh.... how can I finish that post without that reference...
It may be creepy.....
But how can you not do it? Riddle me that Batman?

Love

I really wish I could write a few paragraphs on love. My current thoughts on love.

well.... they just aren't in me at this point

Bike game....

It feels like it's on.

Somehow I managed to get a muscle in my upper back tweeked, not pulled, I think just cramped. It's time for the vitamins, time for the regular bananas, time for the supplements...
Yet.... Good lord i'm out of shape. Seems like a lot to go from ..... slow to go.

Strange what it takes to light the fuse....

but...
who knows maybe the fuse isn't lit.

Library....

I didn't see her when I was there..... Maybe she quit.... maybe she knows I'm stalking her and hides..... Le Sigh....(snark)

As I locked up my bike with my super duper bike lock, Not pictured

It is amusing to me that my bike lock is worth more than my bike. I find it Ironic. Also Ironic is that My bike and lock are still more valuable than any of the bikes locked up on the rack.

Here is a sign of being of advanced age..... It's also amusing that the other bikes are depreciating and mine is appreciating.

Bike Game.

Deep thoughts

What is it in dream analysis. So much overthinking.

I fell asleep at like midnight or one. I'm sleeping ten hours so I get up at 10 or so.

My last dream was. Ordering food with my extended family, breakfast or dinner. For some reason I was moving, and moving my records. and for some reason I was dating "lori" from The walking dead.

Of course I date crazy
The last thing was lori saying I need to communicate better.

wow..... deep, don't we all.

Sometimes a dream is just a dream and a banana is just a banana.

Wisdom

Now this little piece of wisdom from James Bond.

"why do Chinese girls taste different from other girls?"

Oh.... the 60's
You only live twice

Tired

After staying up so late, I was very worried about sleeping in and got up at 8am. Now I'm exhausted. But jacked up on several high potency shots of espresso.... so that is unpleasant.

I am hoping for a quick nap, and then maybe I can resume my regular programming, or irregular programming.

Just an hour of relaxation. Then maybe the wheel will turn to the next setting. Move onto the next thing

this post sucks.

I thought I had you

Oh! insomnia.... I had you beat. There were so many restful nights... only to leave me here.

Maybe it is because I didn't eat.
Maybe it was the espresso at 10:30
Maybe it is my being unsettled in my path...

maybe I'm just not able to sleep...

Fuck... but I did watch the hunt for red October.

Treaties

A treaties on ....

It's midnight, obviously something is bothering me. No fun.... I'm on the verge of my 3 hour ride.... banner day. Chasing demons. I don't know how to

It's the old wounds....

and here I am caught in a couple different worlds, caught between heaven and hell..... Not sure which way leads to my goal, but certainly whichever I choose will be my destination.

Dance card

I don't know how my dance card got full..... Strange that my card can be full, yet I can feel kind of lonely. 

Full cup...... but still struggling. 

More rest,  more exercise.

Shaking off the Cocoon

Trying hard these days, I want to get back to the regular 3 hour rides. Of course then the follow up 5 hour rides.  Trying to clear my system and my mind and my life to make them possible. Visualizing the rides. Visualizing and actualizing my life as one that these things exist...... but trying to get there one step at a time.

Zen... mind over the 3 hour ride.

Library

   Just so you know, I'm in love with one of my librarians. Ok, love is probably a stretch, and if I talked to her the veil may be lifted and I may not find her as charming as my ideal. None the less, in love with one of my librarians.

It's that kind of love where I can't talk to her. If I did I guess I assume she will know that I'm attracted to her, and wouldn't that be the worst thing in the world. I guess for now it's just going to be awkward looks from the isles of books. Attempts to keep my secret love on the down low..... I mean, what is a secret love for if it isn't a secret anymore. 

Off to the library to get some new fun stuff. 

Self sooth

Today was a good day to rest. There were a few hours yesterday where I laid down an felt relaxed. Finally, I felt as though I was able to relax. This may enable me to feel more productive. I made it on the bike, I think  I even saw myself putting in 3 or so hours on the old bike, Hopefully soon.
   To live in constant anxiety, to be unable to rest and recuperate.... an Inability to self Sooth. It felt good today to rest, and maybe it can lead to accomplishing more this week.

  ugh... this post sucked.

Caught between Heaven and Hell

I feel caught between worlds. I wish I could list them. I just feel as though I'm a man without a home, a man without a place to rest.... a path to follow, a journey to take. One can sit and feel as though the path they are on is correct, if ones evolved senses tell him he is on the right path. I sit at this crossroads and feel as though they are all wrong.

   I did feel the right path, I know it is here somewhere..... I just have to find it.... among the chaos.

I need more REM sleep. I'm getting there, but My body doesn't need the rest my mind does.

Ugh was more familiar with death than we are today.

  I'm a fan of wondering, since we are roughly only a few thousand years out of the caves, I  wonder why we feel the way we do. sure over 5 or 10 K years. 5000 years ago was when the Wheel was invented. Does civilization start at the wheel?
 I like to imagine how things were different back then than they are now. I feel like it gives me some understanding on some of our "Modern struggles" maybe even what we term "first world problems". It just seems like in our anesthetized, Sterilized world that we are very detached from death. When it comes we struggle to deal with it, struggle to face it, struggle to recognize it. Death is for people over 70, death is for junkies passed out in gutters, Death is for the poor.
   Many a year ago when we used to hunt mammoth  death was for everyone, Lions jumped us as we returned, even a few hundred years ago 40 years old was ancient. Death came for the young, death came for us all...... seemingly randomly. We were all intimate with death. Ugh the caveman Knew more about death than we ever will.
   Today we have what seems like a luxury, dissonance of our mortality, ... enough disconnection with reality that we can contemplate immortality. Invincibility until our 20's.

That being said, Mortality sucks, death comes for us all.

Trying to find some center.

 Here I sit. I'm actually trying to get some recipes in my recipe book. I don't know why, but it seems like it's the one thing I feel like doing.

My infamous Paella, Eggs Benedict, the Frosting for german chocolate cake. All of it needs to go in a book.

I probably need to create a "To Do" list.

Somehow that seems overwhelming.

I wish I could share some of the feelings I have.... I guess I'm not there yet, with the blog. Most of it is un-death related. More personal.

I should probably get out on the bike.

A start

Things have finally settled down a bit. I managed 10 hours of sleep last night. That was nice. I still have some mess to clean up from the past few weeks. I do now have some time to Breath and to start taking some stock in my own life.
   One of the nice things, and I hope to hang onto it, is that I have that glimmer of "my life" again. That glimpse of my life, the dream life. I have a sense for what my life could be. I'm not talking about some dream Life in a mansion, laying back and have people feeding me Grapes. The fun and difficult life, filled with living breathing adventure and passion. That everyday no matter where you are, one can find joy and passion. Though filled with work and sweat.
   I know that there is just a glimmer at this point.

But like a breath of fresh air.... it's at least there again. Now like a dog on a scent..... lets hunt it down and find it.

quick note

I haven't been updating the blog much. My oldest brother died. I've been dealing with that stuff. I hopefully will return to regular or irregular programming soon.

All Politics are Local

  I was sitting with a friend who is setting up a new business. He filled out a form incorrectly and now he either has to file something new or repay a fee. He went on a long rant about government regulation and it hindering business. I literally picked up the phone and started screaming, about his hypocrisy  Oh how the liberal once he starts a business starts sounding like a republican. Convenient.
   No less than 5 years ago I was drinking and was saying that Trade is good. I'm not a fan of "free trade" but trade is good. He piled onto me in some kind of "occupy" anti WTO rant. I believe in reasonable and fair regulation on business and trade. But trade is good.

The Irony that this same person who gave me the full court press on Free trade and corporate injustice against the little man. Suddenly, now that he is starting a business it's all Anti regulation and interference with his business. After he fucked up a form and has to re-apply, which costs him a week. I spent a year negotiating a phone system once. 

   There was another point in the conversation where he told me that there was never a time when bureaucracy helped anyone. I started listing things in both our lives where "the state" stepped in and helped to stop things that business should not be doing. He was like "oh ya!" 

   What is funny is how little we remember, how hard it is to keep a broader view. How easy it is to have an ideology or belief, until it costs you something. Until it inconveniences you. How we are apparently more interested in the politics of the moment, and not a consistent belief system. Isn't that the difference between running on our lizard brain and operating on higher functions. To most people "All Politics are local" 

Next up.... When did life get so cheep? 

tired

Or not.... fell asleep at 1 woke up at 3am.

I guess that is the update.

Update

   I haven't written enough recently.

  How can you let your kid have helmet hair like that. Poor child actors. I guess that isn't entirely fair. Regardless of success they should receive enough money for a college education. With rampant poverty across the globe "Poor child actors" seems .... Like a super 1st world problem.

Well, This was by far more than I had intended to write. Just jotting down what went through my head. I'm lamenting the last 2 seasons of West Wing. They bring up 8 is enough. said the mom was hot. Reminded me that A. the mom died in the first season, actress died of breast cancer Was dating John Travolta....BTW seems like Travolta went of momie figures... CREEPY! In the west wing they talk about the mom not knowing anything about birth control. Again, the "Mom" on the show was not the mom of the 8 kids. Also... How the hell was it believable that dick van Patton dated those two. We really are stupid. 

Writing ideas

Ideas use to come to me. They don't seem to anymore. I had a few ideas but they are fleeting. There were Two yesterday I didn't manage to retain them. I sit here and hope to grasp onto one of them. I remember trying to remember to remember for quite some time.
   Sometimes if feels like they weren't meant to be, but it is just a memory thing.

now I sit to write and ... this is all I have.... why keep going.

Quasimodo....

Exhausted.... I woke up too early. There wasn't enough coffee in the world today.

Somebody called me brilliant....I like the sound of that, little do they know....

I honestly didn't think I could feel like more of a dork... The past few weeks I have really felt like a dork. Some of it is just from getting older. It's one of those things where I wake up and look in the mirror, my hair is long and sticking up and I feel like a baboons bum. The other day I woke up constipated and my back hurt, I wandered around like Quasimodo.... I think I even added various grunts and groans.

Writing

  I sat down and watched "Flight" which was honestly an impressive movie. I have never had a movie make me want to both Drink so much, and Not drink. All at the same time. There was a point in the movie, which I didn't finish where I swear, I wanted the guy to find god so badly. I have never wanted a person to find god in my life. Yet, there I am thinking that 'finding god' is going to be his only salvation. Not saying there is a god. Just saying that 'finding god' was going to be his only way out. Not out of trouble, but out of the downward spiral his life was in.

Speaking of which. I keep wanting to work on my writing. I kind of think it may loosen me up to have a drink first. Yet....

I swear I had an idea earlier.... and now it has slipped my mind.

I wish...

   I wish I could tell you what it is like to be up at 2am and be irritated by something I can do nothing about. I mean that is what it is about. My brain wants to solve the unsolvable. So here I sit.

Truth is if I worked on more stuff... i'd probably be less worried about it.

Here I sit.... Like always... Please please let sleep take me.....

Where is the dog?

I'm just going to write and .... do some shit. I went for a little bike ride today and I didn't shower. I need to shower.... I'm hoping it will get me to sleep. I'm also hoping to tell some funny stories about my bike ride today.

Ok, took a shower... hoping this helps. I've had such a miserable time putting any thoughts together. My desire for some Gin was ... solid tonight. I'd love to just be put to sleep, Won't work... I could drink 5 shots of gin, i'd sleep 2 hours and wake up hung over. Else 3 shots of gin and just be drunk until 3am.

My massive case of the fuggets continues. seems like a sort of midlife crisis.... I'd bet that is the truth of my current horror. Midlife.... WTF ... like I haven't even lived my life yet.... and early onset midlife crisis....

Fucking fun.

So I went out and rode my bike, I just wanted to get out. I managed 4 miles. I just logged into strava to find out people threw down big miles today... like 80.... Oh ya... let me put my 5 miles in ... that feels good. I'm not sure strava is helping.... Oh... Fucking Sly has more miles that I do, this weekend.... Nice, I can hate myself just a little more.

So, I am out there. I woke up feeling like a troll and my back had me walking like one. On my way back, there is this nice group of Moms dads and kids.... So, had to drop them.... Nice to put the screws to yourself dropping a guy with a hoodie and a kid trailer with a 30 speed from Wallmart.... Super proud.

Well at least I wasn't the guy drafting off of him.

mire and club

   Not sure.... My blog doesn't seem to provide the relief it use to... I almost wrote used to.... it's always looked strange.... the ol' utah upbringing..... use to. Much more elegant... and I would hope grammatically correct...

    I had the worst indigestion this morning. Somehow eating something right now seems to sooth whatever it is.... my tendency to find new ways to cope are impressive. I guess they are for all people.
    Who knows what I ate... it involved tuna.

12:30 I'm still awake. I woke up at 7am. My head continues to be a ...... mire.

if anything could put me to sleep.... maybe a club...

Spring Tired....

   I don't know what I did all day.... It involved coffee, work, a bike ride and way too much corned beef. Corned been in spring is my Kryptonite. Mashed potatoes with horseradish. My heart almost stopped.... and there is still more.

I'm reading a book from a defector from the Westborough baptist church, It's an easy read.... slow like a biography....Why do I need to know about your grandfather.... fortunately it's only about a page.

I want to..... get some good sleep....

old shoe

No updates from the diary.

ok.... I tried....

I managed the infamous get up at 7am, then decide to turn the heat on the bed and fall back into blissful slumber. There is something about heat below you.... it kind of makes you want to sink deeper into bed.

Feels like a rest day. you know 45 miles in 3 days.... hang onto your hat...

Old Shoe McGoo

I had some stories I would be better off sharing with you. But....

I managed some cleaning and laundry folding. Wow... all the cycling clothing is organized. It will help to get me out the door instead of a 20 min search for gloves. Of course that still leaves the 40 minutes of procrastination.
   You know... Just feel like old shoe McGoo. Getting older, starting to look and feel like my grandmother.

Well.... it's going to be a couple of days. How if I just say fuck it and sort my socks again.

Was trying to find out about New Age Magical philosophies of Russian mystics...

Nothing like waking up un-refreshed

   I like a mello morning. Nothing like getting up and feeling like i'm on the run. It really does feel like spring out there. And I feel like an old shoe.

   I like daylight savings, more time in the sun after work. I'm getting out on the bike. It's the big rides that make the little ones seem easy. 

   I miss feeling like a worn out super hero. I think I'm getting some rest, some real relaxation. Real rest...

I had a longer post.... I'd like to see some bigger ideas develop for posts.

Neck hurts.

Joy, isn't it how it is. I did manage some sleep yesterday. I'm going to bed early. Spring is springing.... What a hideous 6  months. At some point I expect a reprieve... I'm not getting it. New drama has tried to enter my life......
I should just avoid it. I'm sure I'll somehow decide to be an idiot.

In other news, I know something about tomorrow....

How if I just mention it without saying it.....

Seven Raider

Dear Diary,

   Well, it's my blog and I'll do what I want. I understand it's boring to hear about my sleep and insomnia. I get that. It's this or nothing. I'm trying to write more, so this is what you get. I went to bed early, then woke up at 2am, with nightmares. Sort of this weird snowy day, traveling in the ice and snow. Cafe and I was wandering around with Jerry Ryan or Angelina Jolie... funny how somehow the two are similar in my mind. That is something about my dreams, not sure about yours. One person can become another. It probably wasn't one or the other, it was probably both.

  Well, here I am up at 2am.

epic case

I have a wicked case of the fug'ets, Dear Diary.

It's cold, I don't want to ride my bike, well I did... but what I don't want to do is put on a ton of clothing to do so....

How do I get a doughnut.

Cain

   My instincts say, "You should walk the earth like Cain". Somehow I can walk the earth on some quest. I'd ask what my intent was. I think I need to think on that one.

.......
I said today that my inner 3 year old seems to need feeding. It keeps going "I don'wana", and I keep listening.

1:30 am

Sleep isn't happening. Worse things have happened. This is the kind of evening I wish I had drunk a little gin, assuming I had slept. I even managed a few miles by bike. By the time I finish writing this it will be 2am....
What was a Going to write....
  Things have been very crazy this week. I like to call it spring mania.Times like this, you are not sure if it's just you that is being crazy or everyone. Most likely it's everyone, but I'm really trying to "be the change that I want to see" so, I'm trying to whip out the zen. I'm super haunted right now.. by literally everything. The best part is There is a new emotion going on in my head. This one isn't particularly healthy. I think My subconsciousness just gave me the answer, but I'm going to have to ruminate on it. Going to have to do some thinking and meditating on it. It's wild when the mind plays this game, you have a craving for something... You don't know why. Then when you feed that craving... you realize ... OH! I knew this answer all along. I knew this, I'd seen it before... in this book or in this movie.....

The mind is strange....

Wow! actually I was just looking at this training block 80 miles which is twice what I thought I had.

Where is that Zen!!!

   I have been working on recovering some of my zen. I think it's the nature of it that you ask, Did I ever have any? or was I just being a quiet baboon.

   Well.... Trying to get that going. Those are some martini...

Sleep and dreams

Something is just not right with my sleep. Every once in a while my dreams are ok, but most of the time they are disturbing. It's all dead uncles who died many years ago. If I could identify the pattern I might identify and what I can do in my life to rectify it.

till then

Something

I wanted to write something today. I am not psyched to write about my sleep... to the rejoicing of whatever audience I have.  I'm up to 4-6 readers. That is something. Spring has sprung.

I am so out of shape, it's embarrassing. Not like the embarrassment helps. Just makes me feel less like working out. The other part.... I just know the pummeling I need to give myself. I think I have also decided that maybe I'll do better if I take more rest.
Take 2 good rest days a week, and some more mello rides.

you know.... something.

Last and final update on sleep

Here is the last update. Had a final nightmare. My uncle was dying in it, some kind of brain tumor. Fortunately when I woke Up I was relieved to remember he died 6 years ago.

Try three

It's actually morning. I could drink coffee and take a walk and wake up.

No, I"m going to cry about my sleep..Nightmare after nightmare after nightmare. and I even remember them

Ugh... still tired....

Man can not live by internet kitten alone

I think, I'm just saying. I guess in the internet universe the Cat universe is the one not so filled with.... You know, internet memes about corruption.

I had to take a shower. Something stank, and it was coming out of my pores. Wing sauce and beer BTW. Strange I reacted to it. Sometimes in the shower I have moments where I understand the OCD people who can't get clean enough. I had a moment where I wanted to just sit in the shower and have a melt down. I sometimes.wish I could have those moments, it would be cathartic.

Is sleep too much to ask. I put my head down, and I would only ask that it be restful and recuperative.

Now here it is 2 sessions of sleep One of 3-4 hours and a second of 3-4 hours.

Short sleep

I knew it was going to be rough. I struggled getting to sleep. Like knowing an accident was going to happen and not being able to do anything about it. Manifest Nightmare Destiny. Where are my dreams of Puppies and Kittens.

Sure enough, 2-3 hours of sleep and an angry nightmare. Stop being so angry all the time, maybe that will help. Sure.... make water run uphill. Funny, I sleep ok. But then my tv goes off and it leaves me with my own thoughts and dreams.... that is where the trouble comes.

Where are all the puppies and kittens.... Ya, lets try it again, because obviously the second round of sleep won't have anything wrong with it... that never happens. Obviously I have nothing to fear from trying to sleep again. No reason to be afraid that I'll just have more nightmares. Ya.... back to sleep.... easy...

chasing demons

Strange day, I was hoping to write a few paragraphs on it. I'm actually tired and too tired .

I'm feeling like I'm getting centered and balanced again.... but it's still a struggle. Still some struggle and some residual demons coming after me. It's good demons are there to be delt with.... that they are there means I need to deal. but... it's killing my mojo.

Work too hard

I seem to work too hard in my dreams. I keep wondering why I am not getting restful sleep. I think it's more why I don't wake up refreshed. Last night I fixed two cars and argued with 2 auto mechanics. I built a bridge with a shifting breaking base and of course I was on the one that degraded the most.

and those were just the dreams I remember.

Put some time in on the bike, It was sad and it hurt.... I wanted to vomit, I wanted to cry... my leg hurts.... I'm fatigued. I ate but didn't eat.... I felt I deserved a pizza but didn't have it.

ugh... well I work too hard in my dreams.... Wish I got that much done during the day.

Update... I went back to sleep

U-boat captain.... I have to stop dreaming, it's too much work

The day that wasn't

I'm not sure what happened, I may be still upset from finding out about my friend's cancer. Maybe just reminding myself of mortality and that time in life. They are like bookends of life, all in one person.

I woke up at 5am. I became very obsessed with a Johnny Cash song.

It's really fucking amazing and the video helps.

But the day got away from me. I have no idea what happened. I'd suggest that one problem was I didn't have coffee until about 11pm. I didn't get any exercise until about 10. I really have no idea where the day went. Seems obvious I was lost in thought, I don't really know about what though. From what I have been typing I'm seeing a theme. Sounds like I should just admit what it's about.
    For the past few days I have really started to feel better, I'm feeling like i'm getting back in touch with my 'Core'. I was listening to Pink floyd Welcome to the Machine, and fell in love again with that song specifically and with Wish you were here.  I haven't 'Felt' music like that in quite some time. Probably the same is true for 'God is going to Cut you down'

Well, like I said I do feel like I'm getting back to .... Center.... None the less, it's like I lost a day.

a post

It's late and I was typing up a post about masturbation madonna and high school..... then I checked on my "real" facebook only to find out one of my HS friends has cancer.... which is well... one of many, but it's still sad. Of course ... some times I look at old friends lives and I don't have that much sympathy ... they have lead fairly fortunate lives. I have a hard time not wanting to choke on my own spit when I say "i'm so sorry", this one bad thing happening to them over the course of their life... Isn't a big fucking deal IMO. Of course now this person is going to die and here I am being an asshole.

But seriously... most these people really have been assholes and fairly entitled and privileged most of their life. And again... will probably be getting some of the most expensive cancer care in the world. Tragic.... and this person is a very good person, always has been.... but they have also lead a full and very fortunate life. the throngs of well wishers are nauseating.

It's been an interesting day, for some reason a reminder of many old friends

Sock drawer

I feel like organizing my sock drawers today. 2 days after doing my laundry somehow I have a full load. For the most part I feel like just laying around and listening to david bowie... oh what a life.

Ok, I have managed to mostly get organized. I still need to setup my workbench so that I can get some work done. Effing work benches.....

But now it is time for 3-4 hours of trying to get to sleep.

Let the lord sort it out.

I was woken up with a nightmare. Ya, something is bothering me.

I'm a fan of dealing with whatever it is. One of two things. Life in general.... or

I wonder, maybe it's just some wandering thoughts. Remember remember...... . "What was the nightmare about?" ya, that isn't the answer I want.

Lets just pretend it's indigestion. Maybe I give up and let some gin sort it out. 

Remember Remember

 the 5th of November.

I need to remember that progress is made a few feet at a time. Need to realize that it can't be made in leaps and bounds, unless you are really lucky.

I think I like getting up early because I can feel like I don't need to do anything for a couple hours. I think I like going to bed early for the same reason. I can sort of waist 6 hours a day.

I could still use a beer.

The siren call

Well, I guess that is what it is. Start doing things and you realize the length and breadth of the problems you face. No reason to shove my head up my ass.
   I spent the morning struggling. My impulse to drink Gin and eat pizza gnawing at me. Then as I started another little project I noticed a nice $600 owie in my future. Great..... Extra reason to drink.
When do I get to spend that $600 on Ski gear or backpacking stuff. Yep, never. Why is it that it seems my money is never mine. That it always goes to some kind of maintenance of work and toil.

I was thinking the other day about the year I spent flyfishing and working to flyfish... where are those days....

Struggle.... Toil.....

I could use a drink.... Lets hope I can avoid it.... I have been good.... I just don't think it will help me.

Today

Dear Diary,

    I had a tough day. I did get plenty of stuff done. I was 'good' no, reward though. I do intend to go to bed early.

   For whatever reason the gin is calling me.I think it's a bad idea. I'm sleeping so well. I may be just plagued with a few demons today. I kind of wish I had finished more of my projects..... It's monday and I wanted to be fully organized again.

Too much sex, not enough affection.

Mastication Ideation

I'm in love with sleep. I do wish I was having dirtier dreams, but what can you do. The best part is the extra Two hours. You wake up after 7 or 8 hours.... go to the bathroom get a glass of water, then go back to bed. Curl up and say "I'll just lay here in spender and joy" tow hours later you wake up refreshed, your only concern is that since you are so refreshed.... it must be noon. and to your added joy you only caught another hour or two.

   Struggling with a decision about breakfast this morning. Do I go big for Sunday breakfast, or to I keep to my fruit and eggs and veggies or pancakes french toast and bagels.... Hollandaise poached eggs cheese English muffins. 

  Well... I went with fruit and an omelet. After some exercise.... feeling a little less like Jack Black. I'll just keep it up. Though I am having food ideations.... If that isn't apparent.  I probably need a reward of some sort if I'm good today.

Fight the Pizza

3 pm.... Now I am tired. I want my pizza.......Thinking about it isn't helping.

I'm cranky, I'm tired...... The pizza won't help...

all the gin would do is make me eat the pizza... and anything else I can find.

Ugh... demons till I fall asleep.

eh....

Some mornings I wake up and feel like spending my day drinking Gin. The question in my head is 'Why Not?'
Most people can come up with a long list of reasons and responsibilities. Right now, me not so much. I'm grasping to the 'concept' the 'belief' that I may get some crap done, and that may help me feel better. Well, I know it is but, make me feel better than the gin will. It's total spring cleaning, I'm glad to get ahead of it, it also means that there will be some follow up later in the spring. I say this as 3-4 inches of snow is falling outside.

Eating is a strange thing. I was watching some comedy thing. The comedian said "Who eats until they are full, I eat until I hate myself". That gets big laughs, I think we all know about that feeling. I guess, if that is one side of the coin, there has to be another side. I remember spending months eating soup fruit and vegies, I felt very good about that. I drank espresso this morning. I ate some soup, had some fruit.

I'm seeing my nemesis pizza this afternoon. Hoping that I resist.... Maybe I'll substitute gin for the pizza... yet, probably it will be gin then pizza.... fuck....

Yep, feeling more like Jack Black rather than the Wolvereen

Espresso season

At some point every spring I get sick of drinking coffee by the gallon. So.... I turn to espresso. I needed to get some other stuff at the grocery store so there I sat staring at endless names and brands of coffee.

The one thing I know about espresso is that it's all about the tamp. Clog up the system with so much dark powdery goodness, the bonus being much powdery grounds in the bottom of my glass.... delicious. The fine granules providing another few bars of pressure to then saturate and push the caffeinated joy into my cup.

I sat there in front of all the coffee options, bewilderd.... like a deer in the headlights. I realized ... again I have to pay more for an unground dark roast.... WTF is that? why... because those who know coffee will pay more.

If only I desired a Carmel candy vanilla espresso... pre ground.

Well it's espresso season.....

....

I woke up an hour early. I wanted an extra hour, or something like the extra hour. I curled back up in my blankets and turned up the electric heating pad.
  I washed my sheets, there may be a chance that one sleeps better in clean sheets. Spring cleaning and organizing has started. I think I woke up today and I don't want the day to start. I exhausted myself yesterday.

Where was this going....

The thing that sucks about getting up early is being tired at 4-5pm.... We sleep for 8 hours we are tired for 2 hours before and after. 8 hours of work, 4 hours of personal time.....then it's all being tired.

spring is springing

I managed to actually get quite a bit done yesterday. I have high hopes for today. I keep getting exercise. Optimistic....

I'm hoping for some laundry and start on some projects.......

Tired by 9am

   I was tired today by 9am.... It's unpleasant. I seem to be feeling better... by body is rejecting no being filled with sloth.
   This is one of those times where I feel like if I puked I'd feel better. Trying to fill myself with water and vegetables... my system is rejecting it.... I mean next it will be vitamins. ok... I confess I've been eating vitamins...

I probably should just do some menial labor this afternoon.... make the blood flow ... keep myself physically active.

   I think I am a pro at sleep disturbance. In fact I sometimes envy people with regular jobs, or kids that have to make it to school. Something to keep a sleep schedule on schedule.

   I used to love getting up early, I still do. When I was a finish carpenter, finish carpenters get up early, we used to get up at like 3 or 4 in the morning and get to work at 5am. Carpenters work in shops that are climate controlled, their work is dependent on nothing but getting things done so there is no reason to be at work at a specific time. So you get up early and get it done. When not working overtime you are done by 1 and fall asleep by 9pm.
   There was a time when I was working onsite and we started at 7am, people were amazed when I showed up at 6:30. I've also learned over the years that if you commute leaving 5 or 10 minutes early gets you to work 15-30 minutes early. Most people tend to try and get to work within 5 minutes of start time. Which means that everyone tends to try and be on the road from 6:45-7 or 7:45-8.
   In my time i've become a pro at trying to rectify my sleep schedule. The great horror is that it tends to involve days of trying to stay up just a little longer.... hours of fatigue ridden days... unproductive.

No joy for the weary.

I'm working on a vegetable enema. Seems like any good spring cleaning should start within.

I'm fairly blocked.... Mentally I mean. I have much I would like to express but it just isn't flowing.

God be Praised

   My prayers be answered and I managed to get a few more hours of sleep. I can now start my day like a fairly normal person. I'm hoping to get a sort of walk in this morning. Maybe that can wake me up and make this a truly amazing and productive day.

God is great!*snark*

Three

I just want Three more hours of sleep. I would like to wake up in the Morning Three to Four AM and be refreshed and ready to start another day. I know refreshed is a Huge request.....

why is it that we wake up in a state of haze, the best we can ask for is to have enough a a panic to our day to  hit the ground running. To have our day overtake us before it's full unpleasantness overtakes us. I know it doesn't have to be that way....

It just seems like it sometimes.

Last Temptation of St. Valentines.

One of the banes of my continued existence is still relationships. One of the horrors is that when I was 20 there was this very amazing woman who loved me very much. Little did I know that piles of woman seem to only be able to be filled with nonsense.

  I imagine a phone call from a friend,
"I'm very miserable. My life sucks.". Showing compassion you talk to them and realize...
"Why you have been strapped to a cross, and are being crucified". I release them, make sure they get food and water. Nurse them back to health.
Then given a few weeks you find that their children and family keep insisting that they get back up on that cross. You suggest that that is a terrible idea. There is no use in being on a cross. It's a bad example and it's not exactly productive.
   They continue to struggle with why they shouldn't get back up on that cross. Suddenly there they sit....getting sick again and falling apart.


Well, Why did you do that?

I have to.... Why don't you get up here with me, that will be better.

No it won't.... That would be stupid.... and you walk away.

"Oh... You don't really love...." she says

No, If you cared about me, you wouldn't ask me to get on a cross. You would want to be happy and healthy   and not on a cross.
You can try and debate it, but the romans put christ(who doesn't exist) on a cross. Proverbially he was the messiah. I really doubt there is any reason for a person to subject themselves intentionally. It's one thing to do good works that involve sacrifice. Another to strap yourself to a cross and then cry about it.

You can go fuck yourself if you think I care about that shit.

V day

      It's that day again. What a vile holiday. It's like being chained to a strange cousin that you don't like for a day. A day where we are all expected to Spend money on jewelry  have some kind of romantic date, Do some grand Gesture like hold a boombox outside a window playing Peter Gabriel. Worse have some GF who expects all of that.... And Fear the drama if you fall short of her expectations. All because someone made up a holiday.

moments

I had one of those moments in the shower where I didn't want to come out until I felt better. "How is Next week?", I said to myself.

Totally blank.....This is all I have....

Valentines is in a few hours. Fuck valentines.

Proud

Wow. I read something I posted last night. I realized.... Wow! I wonder what I blogged. I remembered that I posted something while exceptionally drunk. I just didn't remember what it was. I was concerned how racist it was.

I literally drank until I passed out. Barely able to walk at some point. Not a proud moment, and when I woke up I was still drunk for most of the day. So much for being productive....

Nigger.... I'm drunk

That was my chappelle  impersonation, Aging white dude trying to sound like a hip black man.... Nothing more pathetic.

But.... Nigger I'm drunk

Drunk enough to have another glass of gin. Drunken free pores of  cranberry, gin and soda... how nigger is that. Anti-nigger.... and ironic.... I don't have to point that out to you.... because you aren't dumb.... or are you....

Mexican Methodist eskimo, that is who killed the family in Capote.... God damn eskimo. ...

oh the great american novel... the Methodist eskimo.

Strange days.

Probably 17 years since I sat in a dark room watching colored lights, my brain filled with psychedelics .  Here I sit on my smart phone listening to an original doors strange days vinyl. Three shots of legal gin at forty years old, Gen x watched the State of the union speech  arguing gun control on social media, trying to relive 1969 and trying to decompress.

Sitting here like a Hunter S. Thompson wannabee hoping the gin will kick in and my.mind can decompress.
Valentine's, two days away, no girlfriend.... just bile and the screaming trolling rants of what the media called "Return of Gen x, hippies strike back"(star wars reference intended , we aren't going to take it anymore time to hit back.
Nothing more apropos than to sit here letting  my mind wander and decompress and process.... banging away on a smart phone collecting my various thoughts. Full on HiFi experience, Aged Vinyl and the slight smell of aging electronics smoking in the background.

We Want The World and We Want It Now!

    Waking up, I think it is the primary question, ask, What is going to solve all my problems today. I ponder all the permutations, all the various aches and pains, all the daily struggles i'm having. All the things that make me want to just go back to bed. The answer is obvious. I know you have all your philosophies and psychological analysis. Really, the answer is coffee.

   I think, post coffee, we can move onto the rest of the problems. They are too many to list.

   One of the..... If only I had a proper tea pot. If I could, if it wasn't too early I would run out and get a pot for heating water. I could then make tea in my office, that would probably help me keep feeling better.

   I'm uninterested today, uninterested.... I think it is one of those days where I just have to let my feelings, legs and hands guide my day. I suspect some cleaning, some organizing....  

The greatest tragedy is that I can't seem to play a proper record right now.

Everything will be better if I could play a record.

5am

I just woke up. It's a bit early. I would rather get another hour or two of sleep. I sit down and hope for some inspiration.... You wake up 2 hours short on sleep, and never seem to catch your breath all day. Like starting a day on half empty.

Now I will toil back in bed....

great post....

A day Like many days

Sharing my day, not uneventful. Not pleasant, but it all has to be done. I did manage a short ride today. I ate healthy. I did some work. I'm now boring the hell out of my blog readers.

Hey, I'm just trying to write here.

I had a discussion about if sociopaths are malicious or if they are just crazy. I still don't know.

I'm going to drink some Gin and try and let it all go.

Lets hope tomorrow is a little better.

On mice and mockingbirds

   The great american dream, to write the great american novel. Years ago a friend quit his job to go on a trip to write the great american novel. In discussions with various friends. I found that they all seem to have written some novel of some sort... or four or five.
   In school as part of the art department, I always felt like the pursuit of art had to be for it's own sake. If you paint it much be because you love to paint. You do it for nothing, like any artist if you are ever really noticed it's after your death. Until such point, you are waiting tables or cleaning toilets, Accept it.
   One of the reasons I write this Bullshit is to refine my skill, and for whatever reason I seem to have a ton of "rants" or repressed thoughts and feelings.... are thoughts different from feelings in the context of expressing them in literature? So, I write. For this very moment it feels good. I have 3 good paragraphs, I seem to have some content. I seem to be inspired at 6:14 am.

   This Pie in the sky dream, to write. Not just to write to get published and have it be one's job. But even to write to just be read, to have someone enjoy some concept or idea I have. To even sculpt that idea into some written words on a page. That is something I do love. This dream to write something worthwhile. I was in some lame ass verbal war with some asshole or some such.... I said If you want to stop a war or change this world, you won't do it with a gun. Write "1984" write "of mice and men", or "To kill a Mockingbird" or Write "The grapes of Wrath". Books and ideas that changed the world.
   I remember reading To Kill a Mockingbird, I remember what a beautiful balance of the issues of racism and justice it brought up. One of those great books that when you close your eyes, it changes the way you think forever.
   So, in my spare hours of idle worthless muddling. My thoughts are about what makes a great novel. Subtle nuance of a theme, The political discussion using the allegory of an animal farm, or the up front narrative of a conflict told by and innocent in a small Southern town and it's struggle with personal conflict and racism, as in To kill a mocking bird.
   There are many themes I'd like to write about, Rape culture, The current political conflict, social conflict, an essay on the misunderstandings of Atheism, Broad themes about moral and ethical bankruptcy.
   I write here. I'd like to write better. It's best if I try to write every day.  For 5 years I have wanted to write a story, a short story, and get it published.
   and the humiliation to desire the most silly and self absorbed quest in the world... To write the Great american novel.

Irritable psyche syndrome

One of the best signs of  a change in your recent mojo can be when you are angry enough to start kicking the crap out of things... as a metaphor.

That fucking flashing cursor..... tormenting me.

The Everest documentaries make me want to do some backpacking. Want to be in shape, Want to be my old wolverine self....

two sentences and a broken one.

Tortured on Everest

I'm trying to get my mind on other things. I intend to watch some Everest documentaries. I said it 20 years ago, I'd go to Everest when there is an Elevator to the top.

I see these shows. These people are no Edmund Hillary. Edmund Wanabee. Hundreds of guys in post 50 Midlife Crisis... "I'm going to climb the tallest mountain in the world"..... Fucking cure cancer...

Everest... WTF.... The ultimate spoiled white man vacation.

at some point I need to write a full page..

Rather Shit day.

I'd rather shit today....

Poet Know-it.

Here it is again.... a thought and now I sit to write it down and the thoughts start to fade.

This day had started with some hope, It had started fine.... then spun off the hub. Not plussed... Just a day that I'm hoping will end as quickly as possible. I can start again tomorrow.

It's cold, I'm cold.....Get some food and wait out the next few hours.....

Talk Radio

Why I hate talk radio. Don't ask why I was listening. Specifically Sports talk radio. I should honestly do 15 minutes of me listening to it, with commentary.

A few weeks ago I heard them talking about how unfair it was for sports reporters to have to check their sources. I mean... they just have to regurgitate what they hear, having it be credible seems like undue burden on them..... TO DO THEIR JOB!

Tonight it was a full hour on how carlos bozer is an asshole. Ok, I love cycling... I hate lance. I have never talked for an hour about how much I hate him. Let alone some half ass never was in the NBA. A full hour talking about him. Lets put the cherry on the conversation" He doesn't even play for the Jazz anymore why are we talking about him?"
Other guy, "because it's a talking point"
Previous guy, "You are right."

Oh, and to be clear. Boozer had a great personality, except that his business manager in his personality him stopped you from learning about his personality.(this is what the first half hour was dedicated to). Seriously if you listen to this crap, and it makes any sense to you, you are a moron.

Kill me!

Speaking of pizza

Like all addictions just talking about it makes me want to go eat one. Some pizza pockets, some mcnuggets....

Pacification with some olives and yogurt....

Sweet and sour.....  Sausage..... Chips....

this isn't helping....

Why did I think it would...

I can do it.

4am

I managed an hour of sleep before waking up. Here I sit thinking I had something to say. I'm starting to feel a little better. Some healthy 4am to 9am sleep would help.....

Soup, fruit.... healthy food....

More Salad..... less .... pizza

Return

   Here I sit again. I haven't written in a few days.  I think that the reason I am trying to go back to it, I remember the days I used to write here everyday. Those were good days. If you ....

and that is where my mind goes blank...

I sometimes wish those days were back.....

Yet, you can't go home again.

Heart

I wish I could express it. yesterday, last night I had some ability to talk about it. It's all just jumbled images and thoughts. This is one of those moments where I feel like things are on the upswing. Lets hope so. I'm so nostalgic for being fit. Nostalgic for those better days....

I was honestly hoping to sit here and come up with something brilliant.... no luck.

Demons Galor

4 hours of sleep... What the hell do you want to hear about that for...

ok... please back to sleep.

Shoot me!

3am to 6 am.... woke up. That is the trouble with going to bed early. 10pm

Now... Jack myself full of coffee all day and spend most of it spinning my wheels.

or.... take a long nap this morning...

No Joy....

If I could I would drink Gin and eat Pizza all day... Which I probably could do...

Gin and pizza do not mix BTW.

Where did the motivation go?

   Here I sit. I did some accounting for someone today. I did some reading. I cleaned the snow.

   The second big cup of coffee sits here. I'm trying not to watch what is so far the worst movie ever. How is it possible that netflix can manage to weed out any decent movie... None the less.

  It's cold, The rollers are not setup I need to spend a few hours figuring out the problems... all just in time for  me to decide I don't want to ride inside... ever... I mean Who does?

   Sitting here, I ask "Where did all my motivation go?" I remember spending a winter eating soup, staying fit. I remember a winter going out every chance I could, on my bike. I remember a winter going over to my girlfriends house. I remember a winter drinking and eating wings and still making it on the bike and spin class.

Here I sit. Freezer filled with frozen pizza(don't ask, or I may give you some). I want to stay in bed and read all day.... If that doesn't work.... Gin. I have piles of projects I don't want to do....

I sometimes ask, what does the universe want from me.... where is it pushing me.... The fucker is in limbo.... I have never felt so Untethered, untethered to the universe... maybe that is a good thing.

But where is that motivation......

Maybe I don't love the universe anymore.... and maybe that is why it isn't loving me back..... Fucker!!! ;-)


 

rino

Some nights I feel like a Rino... not a republican in name only. I fell like it keeps taking shots of gin to put down the rino. Each time the tranquilizer is shot, The hope is that this time it will do it.

unseen irrational drunkeness

I believe we think differently here in the U.S. . I sometimes think that somehow in a Mass psychosis kind of way. We just think so strangely. Reject rational thought, Reject ...  I suspect... and 

obviously my next unwritten doctoral thesis will be on this... maybe the exploitation of "higher forces" ie government, capitalism, The unseen manipulations by the upper classes. 

We are so exploited... that it makes us paranoid, rightfully so since we don't seem to know where it's coming from. Everyone seems to blame one conspiracy after another as we metaphorically shoot at every random noise, in a dark room. Still shaking trembling in the dark of our own minds.

I just wonder if we think differently, as if we are having a reasonable response to an unreasonable world... somehow the unknown side effect is buying some shitty gun and sitting in the basement cleaning it, trying to pretend we can control it, this world. ..... Only to realize... it has all just been another trick to convince us to consume... this time a gun

It just seems so hard sometimes for us to see the majesty and beauty of our fellow man. Piles of people who surround us every day... who would help us if asked. 

but... I'm kind of drunk.

If I was a deadly sin....

I would be sloth. Not that I would choose that.... that is just where I am.

¹⁶ There are six things the Lord hates,
    seven that are detestable to him:
¹⁷         haughty eyes,
        a lying tongue,
        hands that shed innocent blood,
¹⁸         a heart that devises wicked schemes,
        feet that are quick to rush into evil,
¹⁹         a false witness who pours out lies
        and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.

Funny, it's hard to even find the verses that refer to sloth. Like many biblical things... they always seem a little vague.

I set up the rollers, got on them and I have a technical problem. I should correct it, that is the thing about the sloth... you don't feel like it.

There is another blog... I wish this was as good as weight loss and days in spin class.... Maybe I should just do 7 days of spin class.

wtf... Great post.....

Vive La K19

I had a ... I went to a movie with a friend today, a female friend. I think I had to ask her to not act out in the theater twice. "Inside voice". I guess I know when someone likes me, since she spent the whole time agreeing with me, even when I was disagreeing with her. *sigh*

   One of the most un-watchable movies in the world is K-19. 12 actors in a Submarine all with Russian accents. Ok, they wouldn't have accents. They would be speaking Russian. The real complaint is that 8 of the 12 actors can't act, and acting with German accents makes the whole thing worse. Then those that can act , manage to struggle most the time with the accents, detracting from their performances  AND THEY SHOULD BE SPEAKING RUSSIAN. Just let them speak English with their normal voice.

    There we are in the movie. She says "they had English accents and they were in France . as kindly as I could I mentioned the K19 argument and that they probably should have been speaking french. She then agreed with me and said how annoying it is when they speak with accents in the country the show should be happening, which should only be happening if they are speaking to someone from England or america as though they are speaking in English  Yet, of course don't drop in and out of some effing french accent. Thank god she agreed with me.... after I corrected her.

   Ugh... dating sucks.... I'm really in a "I'm not dating" thing. I'd rather be drawn and quartered.

I love cancer!!!

Strictly speaking Oprah I'm full of shit. But am Lying now? 

You know the Nazis did some really good stuff for Science.

This bullshit about how he is going to help knock off the other corrupt people in cycling. 

I have said this before.

 What do you tell your kid, when he is caught cheating. 

They tell you, "Well Lance cheated and made millions, had sex with starlets and rockstars,

 he is way cooler than you. Why shouldn't I cheat?"

This is why lance should metaphorically, hang from the nearest yardarm. Find himself hooked on crack and robbing a blockbuster. It's a fate much better people have found for themselves. I didn't watch it, It doesn't bode well for my emotional stability, and maybe I can give myself a pass right now. I'm not joking about this, I saw about 3 seconds, precisely 3 seconds of it, not hyperbole. I wanted to kick something so hard. If I had watched it, my T.V. Would have been in jeopardy. I'm serious here, There would have been a good chance I would have kicked it in.

Stay tuned for his next book "Lying Cheater 1.0". (I resist here pointing out the 1.0, which suggests that there will be a '2.0'. i.e 'Comeback 2.0' )

Notes from the asylum .

Gin and tonic

Now I'm getting sloppy. You don't even want to know what I ate. I'm hoping for some literary genius. If only I can type.

I would shoot heroine right now If I had any...... I wonder if that were true. My drunk-fu is stronger than yours. Well so much for genius....

I had fantasies of posts of "The bringing down of the veil of illusion"  "... the freedom from the shackles of Illusion" "how much I hate daytime talk radio"

Where is all the new wine.....

There it sits.

It's sitting here, it's on my desk, Australian open playing... My infamous self medication. Oh! ryan will be disappointed  I imagine some kind of self righteous.... bible-straight edger thing.

What I'm hoping is that it will put me to sleep, that it will alleviate all the things going through my head. That it will help me escape before 4am.

First drink:
 Icy cold and followed with an olive. This martini is not 'dirty' which is what it is when a martini has  some olive brine in it. The brine is a salty olive flavor. I eat an olive followed by a second draw on the elixir. Tennis is still tied, on serve. 

Second Pull:
I examine the glass, try and assess the layers and the remaining olives. One must finish with an olive in ones mouth. For some reason my mouth is dry, I'm not drinking enough water.... I'm not doing enough of quiet a few things.... I'm just trying to get through. Oh.... quite lovely... the burning taste of alcohol  They say a good martini should taste like drinking a cloud, at 80 proof it's hard to not taste some of that burn from alcohol.

Third pull:
My body is starting to relax. I hadn't noticed some of the muscles in my back have been tense. Those have released. oh, I think Serena is up a break. It's going to be time for an olive. I'm hungry, unfortunately vermouth is an aperitif, which stimulates hunger. I wish I had something amazing to eat, funny because ESPN has Mcdonalds commercials on... funny for the tennis crowd... they are usually health nuts.

What to eat.... What to eat.... oops first set lost 6-2 or won for serena I have never been a serena fan. It's not an ethnic thing. Heck, I like Venus more than Serena. hmmm.... Wish I could head to the store....

finishing: at the bottom of the martini glass it's tapered, 2 olives remain and a little over an ounce of liquid. I'm getting a little foggy in the head..... Yippeee. Well that was it... much of it was had with the first olive now the final olive lingers in my mouth........

I want sushi..... and a little love.
Serena is up 3-0 in the second.... this isn't going to go well for her opponent.