a post

It's late and I was typing up a post about masturbation madonna and high school..... then I checked on my "real" facebook only to find out one of my HS friends has cancer.... which is well... one of many, but it's still sad. Of course ... some times I look at old friends lives and I don't have that much sympathy ... they have lead fairly fortunate lives. I have a hard time not wanting to choke on my own spit when I say "i'm so sorry", this one bad thing happening to them over the course of their life... Isn't a big fucking deal IMO. Of course now this person is going to die and here I am being an asshole.

But seriously... most these people really have been assholes and fairly entitled and privileged most of their life. And again... will probably be getting some of the most expensive cancer care in the world. Tragic.... and this person is a very good person, always has been.... but they have also lead a full and very fortunate life. the throngs of well wishers are nauseating.

It's been an interesting day, for some reason a reminder of many old friends

Sock drawer

I feel like organizing my sock drawers today. 2 days after doing my laundry somehow I have a full load. For the most part I feel like just laying around and listening to david bowie... oh what a life.

Ok, I have managed to mostly get organized. I still need to setup my workbench so that I can get some work done. Effing work benches.....

But now it is time for 3-4 hours of trying to get to sleep.

Let the lord sort it out.

I was woken up with a nightmare. Ya, something is bothering me.

I'm a fan of dealing with whatever it is. One of two things. Life in general.... or

I wonder, maybe it's just some wandering thoughts. Remember remember...... . "What was the nightmare about?" ya, that isn't the answer I want.

Lets just pretend it's indigestion. Maybe I give up and let some gin sort it out. 

Remember Remember

 the 5th of November.

I need to remember that progress is made a few feet at a time. Need to realize that it can't be made in leaps and bounds, unless you are really lucky.

I think I like getting up early because I can feel like I don't need to do anything for a couple hours. I think I like going to bed early for the same reason. I can sort of waist 6 hours a day.

I could still use a beer.

The siren call

Well, I guess that is what it is. Start doing things and you realize the length and breadth of the problems you face. No reason to shove my head up my ass.
   I spent the morning struggling. My impulse to drink Gin and eat pizza gnawing at me. Then as I started another little project I noticed a nice $600 owie in my future. Great..... Extra reason to drink.
When do I get to spend that $600 on Ski gear or backpacking stuff. Yep, never. Why is it that it seems my money is never mine. That it always goes to some kind of maintenance of work and toil.

I was thinking the other day about the year I spent flyfishing and working to flyfish... where are those days....

Struggle.... Toil.....

I could use a drink.... Lets hope I can avoid it.... I have been good.... I just don't think it will help me.

Today

Dear Diary,

    I had a tough day. I did get plenty of stuff done. I was 'good' no, reward though. I do intend to go to bed early.

   For whatever reason the gin is calling me.I think it's a bad idea. I'm sleeping so well. I may be just plagued with a few demons today. I kind of wish I had finished more of my projects..... It's monday and I wanted to be fully organized again.

Too much sex, not enough affection.

Mastication Ideation

I'm in love with sleep. I do wish I was having dirtier dreams, but what can you do. The best part is the extra Two hours. You wake up after 7 or 8 hours.... go to the bathroom get a glass of water, then go back to bed. Curl up and say "I'll just lay here in spender and joy" tow hours later you wake up refreshed, your only concern is that since you are so refreshed.... it must be noon. and to your added joy you only caught another hour or two.

   Struggling with a decision about breakfast this morning. Do I go big for Sunday breakfast, or to I keep to my fruit and eggs and veggies or pancakes french toast and bagels.... Hollandaise poached eggs cheese English muffins. 

  Well... I went with fruit and an omelet. After some exercise.... feeling a little less like Jack Black. I'll just keep it up. Though I am having food ideations.... If that isn't apparent.  I probably need a reward of some sort if I'm good today.

Fight the Pizza

3 pm.... Now I am tired. I want my pizza.......Thinking about it isn't helping.

I'm cranky, I'm tired...... The pizza won't help...

all the gin would do is make me eat the pizza... and anything else I can find.

Ugh... demons till I fall asleep.

eh....

Some mornings I wake up and feel like spending my day drinking Gin. The question in my head is 'Why Not?'
Most people can come up with a long list of reasons and responsibilities. Right now, me not so much. I'm grasping to the 'concept' the 'belief' that I may get some crap done, and that may help me feel better. Well, I know it is but, make me feel better than the gin will. It's total spring cleaning, I'm glad to get ahead of it, it also means that there will be some follow up later in the spring. I say this as 3-4 inches of snow is falling outside.

Eating is a strange thing. I was watching some comedy thing. The comedian said "Who eats until they are full, I eat until I hate myself". That gets big laughs, I think we all know about that feeling. I guess, if that is one side of the coin, there has to be another side. I remember spending months eating soup fruit and vegies, I felt very good about that. I drank espresso this morning. I ate some soup, had some fruit.

I'm seeing my nemesis pizza this afternoon. Hoping that I resist.... Maybe I'll substitute gin for the pizza... yet, probably it will be gin then pizza.... fuck....

Yep, feeling more like Jack Black rather than the Wolvereen

Espresso season

At some point every spring I get sick of drinking coffee by the gallon. So.... I turn to espresso. I needed to get some other stuff at the grocery store so there I sat staring at endless names and brands of coffee.

The one thing I know about espresso is that it's all about the tamp. Clog up the system with so much dark powdery goodness, the bonus being much powdery grounds in the bottom of my glass.... delicious. The fine granules providing another few bars of pressure to then saturate and push the caffeinated joy into my cup.

I sat there in front of all the coffee options, bewilderd.... like a deer in the headlights. I realized ... again I have to pay more for an unground dark roast.... WTF is that? why... because those who know coffee will pay more.

If only I desired a Carmel candy vanilla espresso... pre ground.

Well it's espresso season.....

....

I woke up an hour early. I wanted an extra hour, or something like the extra hour. I curled back up in my blankets and turned up the electric heating pad.
  I washed my sheets, there may be a chance that one sleeps better in clean sheets. Spring cleaning and organizing has started. I think I woke up today and I don't want the day to start. I exhausted myself yesterday.

Where was this going....

The thing that sucks about getting up early is being tired at 4-5pm.... We sleep for 8 hours we are tired for 2 hours before and after. 8 hours of work, 4 hours of personal time.....then it's all being tired.

spring is springing

I managed to actually get quite a bit done yesterday. I have high hopes for today. I keep getting exercise. Optimistic....

I'm hoping for some laundry and start on some projects.......

Tired by 9am

   I was tired today by 9am.... It's unpleasant. I seem to be feeling better... by body is rejecting no being filled with sloth.
   This is one of those times where I feel like if I puked I'd feel better. Trying to fill myself with water and vegetables... my system is rejecting it.... I mean next it will be vitamins. ok... I confess I've been eating vitamins...

I probably should just do some menial labor this afternoon.... make the blood flow ... keep myself physically active.

   I think I am a pro at sleep disturbance. In fact I sometimes envy people with regular jobs, or kids that have to make it to school. Something to keep a sleep schedule on schedule.

   I used to love getting up early, I still do. When I was a finish carpenter, finish carpenters get up early, we used to get up at like 3 or 4 in the morning and get to work at 5am. Carpenters work in shops that are climate controlled, their work is dependent on nothing but getting things done so there is no reason to be at work at a specific time. So you get up early and get it done. When not working overtime you are done by 1 and fall asleep by 9pm.
   There was a time when I was working onsite and we started at 7am, people were amazed when I showed up at 6:30. I've also learned over the years that if you commute leaving 5 or 10 minutes early gets you to work 15-30 minutes early. Most people tend to try and get to work within 5 minutes of start time. Which means that everyone tends to try and be on the road from 6:45-7 or 7:45-8.
   In my time i've become a pro at trying to rectify my sleep schedule. The great horror is that it tends to involve days of trying to stay up just a little longer.... hours of fatigue ridden days... unproductive.

No joy for the weary.

I'm working on a vegetable enema. Seems like any good spring cleaning should start within.

I'm fairly blocked.... Mentally I mean. I have much I would like to express but it just isn't flowing.

God be Praised

   My prayers be answered and I managed to get a few more hours of sleep. I can now start my day like a fairly normal person. I'm hoping to get a sort of walk in this morning. Maybe that can wake me up and make this a truly amazing and productive day.

God is great!*snark*

Three

I just want Three more hours of sleep. I would like to wake up in the Morning Three to Four AM and be refreshed and ready to start another day. I know refreshed is a Huge request.....

why is it that we wake up in a state of haze, the best we can ask for is to have enough a a panic to our day to  hit the ground running. To have our day overtake us before it's full unpleasantness overtakes us. I know it doesn't have to be that way....

It just seems like it sometimes.

Last Temptation of St. Valentines.

One of the banes of my continued existence is still relationships. One of the horrors is that when I was 20 there was this very amazing woman who loved me very much. Little did I know that piles of woman seem to only be able to be filled with nonsense.

  I imagine a phone call from a friend,
"I'm very miserable. My life sucks.". Showing compassion you talk to them and realize...
"Why you have been strapped to a cross, and are being crucified". I release them, make sure they get food and water. Nurse them back to health.
Then given a few weeks you find that their children and family keep insisting that they get back up on that cross. You suggest that that is a terrible idea. There is no use in being on a cross. It's a bad example and it's not exactly productive.
   They continue to struggle with why they shouldn't get back up on that cross. Suddenly there they sit....getting sick again and falling apart.


Well, Why did you do that?

I have to.... Why don't you get up here with me, that will be better.

No it won't.... That would be stupid.... and you walk away.

"Oh... You don't really love...." she says

No, If you cared about me, you wouldn't ask me to get on a cross. You would want to be happy and healthy   and not on a cross.
You can try and debate it, but the romans put christ(who doesn't exist) on a cross. Proverbially he was the messiah. I really doubt there is any reason for a person to subject themselves intentionally. It's one thing to do good works that involve sacrifice. Another to strap yourself to a cross and then cry about it.

You can go fuck yourself if you think I care about that shit.

V day

      It's that day again. What a vile holiday. It's like being chained to a strange cousin that you don't like for a day. A day where we are all expected to Spend money on jewelry  have some kind of romantic date, Do some grand Gesture like hold a boombox outside a window playing Peter Gabriel. Worse have some GF who expects all of that.... And Fear the drama if you fall short of her expectations. All because someone made up a holiday.

moments

I had one of those moments in the shower where I didn't want to come out until I felt better. "How is Next week?", I said to myself.

Totally blank.....This is all I have....

Valentines is in a few hours. Fuck valentines.

Proud

Wow. I read something I posted last night. I realized.... Wow! I wonder what I blogged. I remembered that I posted something while exceptionally drunk. I just didn't remember what it was. I was concerned how racist it was.

I literally drank until I passed out. Barely able to walk at some point. Not a proud moment, and when I woke up I was still drunk for most of the day. So much for being productive....

Nigger.... I'm drunk

That was my chappelle  impersonation, Aging white dude trying to sound like a hip black man.... Nothing more pathetic.

But.... Nigger I'm drunk

Drunk enough to have another glass of gin. Drunken free pores of  cranberry, gin and soda... how nigger is that. Anti-nigger.... and ironic.... I don't have to point that out to you.... because you aren't dumb.... or are you....

Mexican Methodist eskimo, that is who killed the family in Capote.... God damn eskimo. ...

oh the great american novel... the Methodist eskimo.

Strange days.

Probably 17 years since I sat in a dark room watching colored lights, my brain filled with psychedelics .  Here I sit on my smart phone listening to an original doors strange days vinyl. Three shots of legal gin at forty years old, Gen x watched the State of the union speech  arguing gun control on social media, trying to relive 1969 and trying to decompress.

Sitting here like a Hunter S. Thompson wannabee hoping the gin will kick in and my.mind can decompress.
Valentine's, two days away, no girlfriend.... just bile and the screaming trolling rants of what the media called "Return of Gen x, hippies strike back"(star wars reference intended , we aren't going to take it anymore time to hit back.
Nothing more apropos than to sit here letting  my mind wander and decompress and process.... banging away on a smart phone collecting my various thoughts. Full on HiFi experience, Aged Vinyl and the slight smell of aging electronics smoking in the background.

We Want The World and We Want It Now!

    Waking up, I think it is the primary question, ask, What is going to solve all my problems today. I ponder all the permutations, all the various aches and pains, all the daily struggles i'm having. All the things that make me want to just go back to bed. The answer is obvious. I know you have all your philosophies and psychological analysis. Really, the answer is coffee.

   I think, post coffee, we can move onto the rest of the problems. They are too many to list.

   One of the..... If only I had a proper tea pot. If I could, if it wasn't too early I would run out and get a pot for heating water. I could then make tea in my office, that would probably help me keep feeling better.

   I'm uninterested today, uninterested.... I think it is one of those days where I just have to let my feelings, legs and hands guide my day. I suspect some cleaning, some organizing....  

The greatest tragedy is that I can't seem to play a proper record right now.

Everything will be better if I could play a record.

5am

I just woke up. It's a bit early. I would rather get another hour or two of sleep. I sit down and hope for some inspiration.... You wake up 2 hours short on sleep, and never seem to catch your breath all day. Like starting a day on half empty.

Now I will toil back in bed....

great post....

A day Like many days

Sharing my day, not uneventful. Not pleasant, but it all has to be done. I did manage a short ride today. I ate healthy. I did some work. I'm now boring the hell out of my blog readers.

Hey, I'm just trying to write here.

I had a discussion about if sociopaths are malicious or if they are just crazy. I still don't know.

I'm going to drink some Gin and try and let it all go.

Lets hope tomorrow is a little better.

On mice and mockingbirds

   The great american dream, to write the great american novel. Years ago a friend quit his job to go on a trip to write the great american novel. In discussions with various friends. I found that they all seem to have written some novel of some sort... or four or five.
   In school as part of the art department, I always felt like the pursuit of art had to be for it's own sake. If you paint it much be because you love to paint. You do it for nothing, like any artist if you are ever really noticed it's after your death. Until such point, you are waiting tables or cleaning toilets, Accept it.
   One of the reasons I write this Bullshit is to refine my skill, and for whatever reason I seem to have a ton of "rants" or repressed thoughts and feelings.... are thoughts different from feelings in the context of expressing them in literature? So, I write. For this very moment it feels good. I have 3 good paragraphs, I seem to have some content. I seem to be inspired at 6:14 am.

   This Pie in the sky dream, to write. Not just to write to get published and have it be one's job. But even to write to just be read, to have someone enjoy some concept or idea I have. To even sculpt that idea into some written words on a page. That is something I do love. This dream to write something worthwhile. I was in some lame ass verbal war with some asshole or some such.... I said If you want to stop a war or change this world, you won't do it with a gun. Write "1984" write "of mice and men", or "To kill a Mockingbird" or Write "The grapes of Wrath". Books and ideas that changed the world.
   I remember reading To Kill a Mockingbird, I remember what a beautiful balance of the issues of racism and justice it brought up. One of those great books that when you close your eyes, it changes the way you think forever.
   So, in my spare hours of idle worthless muddling. My thoughts are about what makes a great novel. Subtle nuance of a theme, The political discussion using the allegory of an animal farm, or the up front narrative of a conflict told by and innocent in a small Southern town and it's struggle with personal conflict and racism, as in To kill a mocking bird.
   There are many themes I'd like to write about, Rape culture, The current political conflict, social conflict, an essay on the misunderstandings of Atheism, Broad themes about moral and ethical bankruptcy.
   I write here. I'd like to write better. It's best if I try to write every day.  For 5 years I have wanted to write a story, a short story, and get it published.
   and the humiliation to desire the most silly and self absorbed quest in the world... To write the Great american novel.

Irritable psyche syndrome

One of the best signs of  a change in your recent mojo can be when you are angry enough to start kicking the crap out of things... as a metaphor.

That fucking flashing cursor..... tormenting me.

The Everest documentaries make me want to do some backpacking. Want to be in shape, Want to be my old wolverine self....

two sentences and a broken one.

Tortured on Everest

I'm trying to get my mind on other things. I intend to watch some Everest documentaries. I said it 20 years ago, I'd go to Everest when there is an Elevator to the top.

I see these shows. These people are no Edmund Hillary. Edmund Wanabee. Hundreds of guys in post 50 Midlife Crisis... "I'm going to climb the tallest mountain in the world"..... Fucking cure cancer...

Everest... WTF.... The ultimate spoiled white man vacation.

at some point I need to write a full page..

Rather Shit day.

I'd rather shit today....

Poet Know-it.

Here it is again.... a thought and now I sit to write it down and the thoughts start to fade.

This day had started with some hope, It had started fine.... then spun off the hub. Not plussed... Just a day that I'm hoping will end as quickly as possible. I can start again tomorrow.

It's cold, I'm cold.....Get some food and wait out the next few hours.....

Talk Radio

Why I hate talk radio. Don't ask why I was listening. Specifically Sports talk radio. I should honestly do 15 minutes of me listening to it, with commentary.

A few weeks ago I heard them talking about how unfair it was for sports reporters to have to check their sources. I mean... they just have to regurgitate what they hear, having it be credible seems like undue burden on them..... TO DO THEIR JOB!

Tonight it was a full hour on how carlos bozer is an asshole. Ok, I love cycling... I hate lance. I have never talked for an hour about how much I hate him. Let alone some half ass never was in the NBA. A full hour talking about him. Lets put the cherry on the conversation" He doesn't even play for the Jazz anymore why are we talking about him?"
Other guy, "because it's a talking point"
Previous guy, "You are right."

Oh, and to be clear. Boozer had a great personality, except that his business manager in his personality him stopped you from learning about his personality.(this is what the first half hour was dedicated to). Seriously if you listen to this crap, and it makes any sense to you, you are a moron.

Kill me!

Speaking of pizza

Like all addictions just talking about it makes me want to go eat one. Some pizza pockets, some mcnuggets....

Pacification with some olives and yogurt....

Sweet and sour.....  Sausage..... Chips....

this isn't helping....

Why did I think it would...

I can do it.

4am

I managed an hour of sleep before waking up. Here I sit thinking I had something to say. I'm starting to feel a little better. Some healthy 4am to 9am sleep would help.....

Soup, fruit.... healthy food....

More Salad..... less .... pizza

Return

   Here I sit again. I haven't written in a few days.  I think that the reason I am trying to go back to it, I remember the days I used to write here everyday. Those were good days. If you ....

and that is where my mind goes blank...

I sometimes wish those days were back.....

Yet, you can't go home again.

Heart

I wish I could express it. yesterday, last night I had some ability to talk about it. It's all just jumbled images and thoughts. This is one of those moments where I feel like things are on the upswing. Lets hope so. I'm so nostalgic for being fit. Nostalgic for those better days....

I was honestly hoping to sit here and come up with something brilliant.... no luck.

Demons Galor

4 hours of sleep... What the hell do you want to hear about that for...

ok... please back to sleep.

Shoot me!

3am to 6 am.... woke up. That is the trouble with going to bed early. 10pm

Now... Jack myself full of coffee all day and spend most of it spinning my wheels.

or.... take a long nap this morning...

No Joy....

If I could I would drink Gin and eat Pizza all day... Which I probably could do...

Gin and pizza do not mix BTW.

Where did the motivation go?

   Here I sit. I did some accounting for someone today. I did some reading. I cleaned the snow.

   The second big cup of coffee sits here. I'm trying not to watch what is so far the worst movie ever. How is it possible that netflix can manage to weed out any decent movie... None the less.

  It's cold, The rollers are not setup I need to spend a few hours figuring out the problems... all just in time for  me to decide I don't want to ride inside... ever... I mean Who does?

   Sitting here, I ask "Where did all my motivation go?" I remember spending a winter eating soup, staying fit. I remember a winter going out every chance I could, on my bike. I remember a winter going over to my girlfriends house. I remember a winter drinking and eating wings and still making it on the bike and spin class.

Here I sit. Freezer filled with frozen pizza(don't ask, or I may give you some). I want to stay in bed and read all day.... If that doesn't work.... Gin. I have piles of projects I don't want to do....

I sometimes ask, what does the universe want from me.... where is it pushing me.... The fucker is in limbo.... I have never felt so Untethered, untethered to the universe... maybe that is a good thing.

But where is that motivation......

Maybe I don't love the universe anymore.... and maybe that is why it isn't loving me back..... Fucker!!! ;-)


 

rino

Some nights I feel like a Rino... not a republican in name only. I fell like it keeps taking shots of gin to put down the rino. Each time the tranquilizer is shot, The hope is that this time it will do it.

unseen irrational drunkeness

I believe we think differently here in the U.S. . I sometimes think that somehow in a Mass psychosis kind of way. We just think so strangely. Reject rational thought, Reject ...  I suspect... and 

obviously my next unwritten doctoral thesis will be on this... maybe the exploitation of "higher forces" ie government, capitalism, The unseen manipulations by the upper classes. 

We are so exploited... that it makes us paranoid, rightfully so since we don't seem to know where it's coming from. Everyone seems to blame one conspiracy after another as we metaphorically shoot at every random noise, in a dark room. Still shaking trembling in the dark of our own minds.

I just wonder if we think differently, as if we are having a reasonable response to an unreasonable world... somehow the unknown side effect is buying some shitty gun and sitting in the basement cleaning it, trying to pretend we can control it, this world. ..... Only to realize... it has all just been another trick to convince us to consume... this time a gun

It just seems so hard sometimes for us to see the majesty and beauty of our fellow man. Piles of people who surround us every day... who would help us if asked. 

but... I'm kind of drunk.

If I was a deadly sin....

I would be sloth. Not that I would choose that.... that is just where I am.

¹⁶ There are six things the Lord hates,
    seven that are detestable to him:
¹⁷         haughty eyes,
        a lying tongue,
        hands that shed innocent blood,
¹⁸         a heart that devises wicked schemes,
        feet that are quick to rush into evil,
¹⁹         a false witness who pours out lies
        and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.

Funny, it's hard to even find the verses that refer to sloth. Like many biblical things... they always seem a little vague.

I set up the rollers, got on them and I have a technical problem. I should correct it, that is the thing about the sloth... you don't feel like it.

There is another blog... I wish this was as good as weight loss and days in spin class.... Maybe I should just do 7 days of spin class.

wtf... Great post.....

Vive La K19

I had a ... I went to a movie with a friend today, a female friend. I think I had to ask her to not act out in the theater twice. "Inside voice". I guess I know when someone likes me, since she spent the whole time agreeing with me, even when I was disagreeing with her. *sigh*

   One of the most un-watchable movies in the world is K-19. 12 actors in a Submarine all with Russian accents. Ok, they wouldn't have accents. They would be speaking Russian. The real complaint is that 8 of the 12 actors can't act, and acting with German accents makes the whole thing worse. Then those that can act , manage to struggle most the time with the accents, detracting from their performances  AND THEY SHOULD BE SPEAKING RUSSIAN. Just let them speak English with their normal voice.

    There we are in the movie. She says "they had English accents and they were in France . as kindly as I could I mentioned the K19 argument and that they probably should have been speaking french. She then agreed with me and said how annoying it is when they speak with accents in the country the show should be happening, which should only be happening if they are speaking to someone from England or america as though they are speaking in English  Yet, of course don't drop in and out of some effing french accent. Thank god she agreed with me.... after I corrected her.

   Ugh... dating sucks.... I'm really in a "I'm not dating" thing. I'd rather be drawn and quartered.

I love cancer!!!

Strictly speaking Oprah I'm full of shit. But am Lying now? 

You know the Nazis did some really good stuff for Science.

This bullshit about how he is going to help knock off the other corrupt people in cycling. 

I have said this before.

 What do you tell your kid, when he is caught cheating. 

They tell you, "Well Lance cheated and made millions, had sex with starlets and rockstars,

 he is way cooler than you. Why shouldn't I cheat?"

This is why lance should metaphorically, hang from the nearest yardarm. Find himself hooked on crack and robbing a blockbuster. It's a fate much better people have found for themselves. I didn't watch it, It doesn't bode well for my emotional stability, and maybe I can give myself a pass right now. I'm not joking about this, I saw about 3 seconds, precisely 3 seconds of it, not hyperbole. I wanted to kick something so hard. If I had watched it, my T.V. Would have been in jeopardy. I'm serious here, There would have been a good chance I would have kicked it in.

Stay tuned for his next book "Lying Cheater 1.0". (I resist here pointing out the 1.0, which suggests that there will be a '2.0'. i.e 'Comeback 2.0' )

Notes from the asylum .

Gin and tonic

Now I'm getting sloppy. You don't even want to know what I ate. I'm hoping for some literary genius. If only I can type.

I would shoot heroine right now If I had any...... I wonder if that were true. My drunk-fu is stronger than yours. Well so much for genius....

I had fantasies of posts of "The bringing down of the veil of illusion"  "... the freedom from the shackles of Illusion" "how much I hate daytime talk radio"

Where is all the new wine.....

There it sits.

It's sitting here, it's on my desk, Australian open playing... My infamous self medication. Oh! ryan will be disappointed  I imagine some kind of self righteous.... bible-straight edger thing.

What I'm hoping is that it will put me to sleep, that it will alleviate all the things going through my head. That it will help me escape before 4am.

First drink:
 Icy cold and followed with an olive. This martini is not 'dirty' which is what it is when a martini has  some olive brine in it. The brine is a salty olive flavor. I eat an olive followed by a second draw on the elixir. Tennis is still tied, on serve. 

Second Pull:
I examine the glass, try and assess the layers and the remaining olives. One must finish with an olive in ones mouth. For some reason my mouth is dry, I'm not drinking enough water.... I'm not doing enough of quiet a few things.... I'm just trying to get through. Oh.... quite lovely... the burning taste of alcohol  They say a good martini should taste like drinking a cloud, at 80 proof it's hard to not taste some of that burn from alcohol.

Third pull:
My body is starting to relax. I hadn't noticed some of the muscles in my back have been tense. Those have released. oh, I think Serena is up a break. It's going to be time for an olive. I'm hungry, unfortunately vermouth is an aperitif, which stimulates hunger. I wish I had something amazing to eat, funny because ESPN has Mcdonalds commercials on... funny for the tennis crowd... they are usually health nuts.

What to eat.... What to eat.... oops first set lost 6-2 or won for serena I have never been a serena fan. It's not an ethnic thing. Heck, I like Venus more than Serena. hmmm.... Wish I could head to the store....

finishing: at the bottom of the martini glass it's tapered, 2 olives remain and a little over an ounce of liquid. I'm getting a little foggy in the head..... Yippeee. Well that was it... much of it was had with the first olive now the final olive lingers in my mouth........

I want sushi..... and a little love.
Serena is up 3-0 in the second.... this isn't going to go well for her opponent.

Where is all the new wine....

   Sitting down to write. I may only have a journal entry here. I know it's lame.

7 readers right now. I know I don't have much to say. Australian open is on. These are the good matches. Most tennis tournaments are best at the end of the first week, Round of 16, final 8. After that it's like waiting for a prize fight. Lots of build up for an anti-climax.

I saw about 10 minutes of Amish Mafia. Seriously, it's like watching school kids beat on each other. They should hang with the cast of Honey BoBo.

I'm struggling with my anger right now. I think I'm not holding it in. I'm just struggling with it. Maybe I keep trying to hold it in, and I keep letting it out.... but I'm not enjoying the process. I could give you a list of things I"m angry at:

• People who say crazy shit. I wish I could explain that.... People who say things like "If I eat it makes me hungry" Or "that john stuart isn't funny, the only reason he stays on TV are all the people who laugh at him"
• I'm sick of not making big money. I don't get why I'm not really bringing it in. I'm tired of working hard so that other people can, and I am not.
• I think I'm also angry at myself for my continued inability to find a healthy relationship. "oh, it's just around the corner.... " no it's not. I think my tolerance for nonsense is even lower than it's ever been. I don't think that makes my willingness to spend much time "a courting"
• I even hate the anger thing right now. Sit around and be angry. I'm starting to get impulses to at least ... I just need to get out everyday.... Need to ....(sounds like cabin fever)

Well, in times of fascinating written word this isn't it. I'm tempted to self medicate with a martini or two..... of course that could unleash the Kracken.

Late rant

For all 5 readers,(my analytics don't work so I only have rough data on blog viewership), I am again hoping to write up something special. Please forgive this quick aside. It's how I process.

   I think I have to assume that I'm fairly smart. I don't mean to show my ass, for those that might affirm that notion and the hubris attached to the previous statement. I never feel that way. I see lance and other various successful Lying thieves and I sometimes get that notion that obviously I need to sell out, obviously I need to just give up being moral and Sleep with the zombies, so to speak. Obviously, I'm just one of the suckers who the liars and thieves exploit. Of course I understand what it is to sell out, and what it is to become one of the broken. One of the pilgrims on the Road Most Traveled. Sometimes I feel like an idiot, and I struggle :)

   I have been working on my skills at Rhetoric. I think I'm getting close to going pro. I'm enjoying engaging in various banter. For those on my facebook, You ain't seen nothing. For the most part all you get are the more refined arguments. I'm also much nicer. The point I'm getting to is more that I don't argue much on facebook, my bloodsport is on Google Pluss. Part of this work is to try and get better at writing longer essays, which is what I'm doing now. Again pardon the First person direct assault on your brain. This gets like a journal entry.

   There was a piece I wanted to do about the Joy of self love..... I think at this point I will spare you.

   4am.... part of the problem here is that The australian open is running. I have no chance of a normal sleep schedual... Federer is getting old, I'm just happy that he will make it to the second week. And that fucking roddick, 2 years ago Wimbledon final, last year he retires.... what a baby. Ok, maybe it was 3 or 4 years.

Semper infidelium

Uncomfortable in all positions

For some reason I just haven't been able to get comfortable. I toss and turn in bed. Unable to find that physical balance, that comfortable equilibrium that rest offers.

This sounds stupid, I feel on the edge of writing some very good things. I need to practice my art, fine tune it so as to have it be less scattered. I think my art will follow some of my technical skills, Less finesse more mathematical symmetry, fighting the inherently scattered brain.

I've been enjoying some reading, enjoying some rhetoric. Subjects of religion, politics, psychology. Many scattered uncomfortable thoughts on all subjects. Now if only I can equate them into some kind of coherent thesis.

Simple yet elegant....

An attempt at style

I have been writing more. Here I am in full first person. I have an idea for a post but it's simple and I need to apply some style to it.

I've decided over the next 4 months to focus on myself, to try and get a healthier support system. I need to do some self love. That sounds nice.... beyond the obvious and base concept.

I'm shaking demons these days, some of it from the flu some of it from .... the proverbial bottoming out and cocoon from which springs the butterfly. I've been watching some Criminal intent, I'll avoid the fun allusion to the Great Red dragon of Thomas Harris fame.

These have been dark days, but much of my gin addiction is gone.... Though I do have a strange desire to replace it with a NyQuil/Robutussin addiction..... I'll resist feeding that monkey, though it would be fun for the blog... I'm not sure it leads to a healthy place. ... No matter how amusing I would find it.

Lingering demons

   I'm trying to get to sleep. I ate a whole pizza today, I don't know why. I just decided to. Not that I've been starving myself and that was the binge. I just said Fuck it... I'm eating a whole pizza because I can. I don't exactly feel good now.....

Well that is a great post Mop... How if I recount my bowel movements. I don't know if it's that or that I continue to shake off the demons from the past 2 years. Regardless they have for me this evening. I forget what I tell myself about demons. They have to be faced, more than just looked at... they have to be faced.

I don't even know what that means right now. I had a good day, I'm just exhausted. I'm not used to that at 8pm. I want sweet sleep to take me.... Too exhausted to fight the demons right now.... and a little too bloated.  I'd fight them but I don't remember how.....

Some soda and some Gin my have to do....

More tomorrow....

Twilight

As twilight breaks on this day, I am struck by a wonderful euphoria. I have nestled in for the winter it seams. My Vinyl albums playing in the background. A Dirty Gin Martini at my side. Sitting on my Futon reading a book. I picked up 'God is not Great' by Christopher Hitchens. I'm Slowly draining the martini.

Hitchens writes of Marx, Restating the often misquoted statement "religion is the Opiate of the masses"

Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people.
The abolition of religion as the illusory happiness of the people is the demand for their real happiness. To call on them to give up their illusions about their condition is to call on them to give up a condition that requires illusions.

To summarize the theme. Religion is the Suckling of a child, the continuation of which prevents the child from grow up. The infantilization of the child.

When I was in college I asked one of my professors "Is there somewhere that this is done better, is there a place where higher ideas happen and are discussed?". He had no answers for me, where was Hitchens at that time?

Some brilliant moments as I continue to indulge in such wonderful ideas. Not bad for a drunk.

Thoughts on snacking.

.... We all know the drill. I have been horrible for the past 2 months. I told someone I went and got a "Whopper" from Burger King, they were horrified. Those things are as large as your head. 8 inches across, and easily enough to give you heartburn for 2 days. In my defence, I do have to avoid it being 'the forbidden fruit'. It was Nasty.

I remember a time when I used to eat soup, vegetables, and Fruit. I remember having "Snacks" that were insanely reasonable... I also remember drinking tea and tons more water all the time. Those were the days! I also remember passing out and waking up on the kitchen floor... Those were the supplements though, I think.

I was watching a documentary on Evolution. I wonder if separate species of humans may develop, those adapted to eat a Burger the size of your head, and those who are not.

Homo-FastFoodia.
Homo-atheletica.

Being and Writingness

   I would very much like to get back to writing some stuff..... Some stuff. It's the holidays  I guess the last time you caught up with our Anti-superhero I was trying to date more. Well that has gone super well. Just to let you know that is sarcastic. As I like to tell Julie, "what are you talking about, it never goes well, I only date crazy."
  Well, here I sit weeks left till Christmas and it is me and a Martini. I have finally declared that Gin has finally done me in.... Superman has kryptonite, The mop has a Dirty Martini.

Hey, I wrote something.

I may be an Alcaholic

   I was emptying a bottle of something... could have been olives in my defense... or denial, placing the empty bottle with my pile of bottles at the bottom of the bar made me think, I probably need to hide those empty bottles lest someone think I am an Alcoholic.
   As a student of Irony, you should realize.... well maybe you are not a student of irony... but you should realize this is exactly what an alcoholic does. Maybe I can tell you that I'm not because I realize my behavior is alcoholic like.... Maybe I can tell myself the same thing.

call evil good, and good evil

Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter! -Isaiah 5:20

Oh! you are going to love this one.

Myth: Only gay men sexually assault other men.
Reality: Most men who sexually assault other men identify themselves as heterosexual. This fact helps to highlight another reality that sexual assault is about violence, anger and control over another person, not lust or sexual attraction.

Myth: Erection or ejaculation during sexual assault means you "really wanted it" or consented to it.
Reality: Erection or ejaculation are physiological responses that may result from mere physical contact or even extreme stress. These responses do not imply that you wanted or enjoyed the assault and do not indicate anything about your sexual orientation. Some rapists are aware how erections and ejaculations can confuse a victim of sexual assault this motivates them to manipulate their victims to the point of erections or ejaculation to increase their feelings of control and to discourage reporting of the crime.

Want to hear a tale of a Rapist...

   Woman with serious emotional damage from a Pervert Step father at 5 years old and then follows that up with 18 years of a pervert Sado-masochistic husband. Not the "regular kind" that uses safe words and is into freaky roll play. The kind that drags his wife to a basement and ties her up in the dark spending a manic night performing object rape and trying to see if he can manage an erection.

   Well she decides to go out on a date with 'some dude' he takes her to a movie where some 1930's guy is some kind of dominance rapist of prostitutes and the requisite scenes in the movie. She is 'triggered'/terrified by the experience, tries to hide the fact she is freaking out horrified and crying through the whole movie. She runs from the movie, spends a terrified night shaking and crying. A week later the guy calls her and asks her out again. she says no. he convinces her to have a drink and tell her why she doesn't want to date him. She goes for a beer with him. She tries to tell him about how the movie affected her. She cries, he convinces her to go out the the car. In the car she continues to try and tell him about it. In the middle of it, He says " It's just a movie baby!" Then he grabs her and Tries to Rape her. He puts two gigantic bruises on her thigh. She does escape, or so she says.

These people do exist... and they move through you life every day. You work with them. You know them... You think "They are ok". I spent most of my life not understanding why woman don't trust being alone with men. It didn't make sense to me. These days I get it. I honestly don't know what is wrong with many men. Honestly, in my teens I poked a but or two. Stupidly I just thought that was part of the seduction ritual. In my 20's I spent many an hour alone with woman, keeping my hands to myself. If I got a kiss I asked for it. I would hope for your sake that you find this as strange as I do, yet if you are a woman it's a dirty little secret that woman suffer with. Not to mention the numerous date rapes many woman suffer through, looking for mr. Right. And how many of them just accept it as somehow normal and marry them.

How about police who for the most part don't give a shit about rapes, discourage woman by telling them that "It will just be a lot of, he said she said" And the dirt little police secret, I'll almost guarantee that every cop in this country has performed a date rape... sure, it just some denial and rationalization "oh! it wasn't really rape... bla bla bla", She said no, that should have ended it.

Wither the humanity, This world We have created...... How do we do better?

What to write.

Today was actually a nice day. I made a nice soup, thought I think it doesn't have enough salt. I really struggle with that. for some reason I think I don't let it sit or stir it enough as I'm adding salt. I also think I make such large batches that it has a hard time mixing in or something. But... Not enough salt.

Having a martini... I'm digging these things.

Oh! So today I decided to just gut it up Winchester. Some of it was that I had been screwed by a little head wind on one of my descents, so I thought. Maybe I will get a tail wind up winchester. So I just drilled it. Half way up I decided to mentaly tell the pain to stop... then I decided to actually shout "Shut UP!" at my body. It worked.. the pain built back up and I screamed it again at the top of my very spent lungs. Holy Shit! it worked... I couldn't believe it. I do believe the mind is a powerful thing, more that my mind is trying to get me to stop and I just need to tell it to fuck off.

I felt good today, I don't know why. It was nice. Maybe it's because I'm watching documentaries, and it makes me feel smart, or worthwhile. something.

Well that is my story and I'm sticking too it.

well you know, Martini...

Gin drunk and more.

(I've read almost every Hunter S Thompson book ever written, in addition to tons of Bukowsky. This post will be more like HST. Don't get me started on Burroughs... and fuck that kerouac... you have him to blame for all the hipsters)

Gin drunk... Feel like i'm gin drunk and on some speed. I don't know why. I should be laying in bed vegging out, but no, upset stomach and crawling the walls. I don't know why. Seriously feel like i'm on a meth binge trying to come down with gin... but it isn't working. What the fuck.....

Honest to god I don't know what the hell is going on. Part of it is my fault.... Leap into uncertainty... ya, leap into crazy. Why the hell is it so hard to find love. Saw 'End of watch', they said "Find someone you feel you can't live without"... I'd take someone I can live with... Live without, what the hell does that mean, I shit you not... I can leave it, in just about all cases. I've been thinking recently that is probably what is wrong with me. Hard to find someone that doesn't make me want to chew my arm off... I think that must be love....

ya... Gin drunk.. maybe if I lay down.

Where was I.

I need to accept that It's ok to not be verbose in my posts. I can write something simple and leave it at that.

It's 6am... I don't know what I want to write. I'd love to be asleep but that isn't going to happen. Would you believe there is not one god damn good thing going on in my life. I guess my fitness, but where is that going? I'm probably riding too much to compensate for the crappy stuff going on. Or should I say for the Lack of good stuff going on.

Yep... Not one good thing going on in my life. I'm having a couple of good ongoing conversations. I guess that is something. It's not exactly making it so that I'm rip roaring and ready to go in the mornings....

Sigh... It is what it is.

2 readers... I know you are the only ones... but I also know that if I write more other people who don't have news feeds will start reading this. If I write it, they will come.

Sleep, Food, Bike rides

The last week has been the beginning of actual training. Training for what? Life of course. (I'm madly in love with West Wing right now it inspires me to take writing and talking more seriously. Which is why I now reflect on what needs to be a summary paragraph. Summary on a page yet to be written.). It's been a tough month. So tough I managed to finish nearly a gallon of cheep scotch. During all of this, I have managed to hit the bike every day. With the exception of one of the first days when I strained my back riding and needed a day off.

I remember all of this; I remember eating sensibly, I remember being hungry, I remember trying to find foods that were super filling. I remember Long days on the bike. Long rides with white line fever. Bonking with 7 miles to go, and dragging my ass home. Protein shakes. Being exhausted. Being irritable
 I was thrilled today when I put on my comfy pants and they have become comfy again. There were a few weeks where I had to start thinking about buying a whole bigger size of comfy pants.

Fuck.... seriously .... The Drama... The Drama has messaged me.... now instead of writing this... I get to deal with the drama.... This is my life.... this is what has been going on for a month... or a year. The Drama. It pukes up all over you, and you spend hours trying to clean up and sort it all out. As a.... Homage to my life as it is right now. This is the perfect representation. A few nice thoughts and an attempt to accomplish something.... with a sudden interruption from "the drama".

Some updates... lets get our groove on.

... Here I sit... I'm suffering some late night insomnia. I'm not sure how my actual sleep is since I'm taking a nap during the day. This is one of those times in my life where I just like the night better. It's quiet.

   I am trying to... well with my riding I now feel like I miss the blog. I had some great thoughts a few days ago, but they are fleeting. Most of my thoughts are on "Rape culture" surprise how I think nobody wants to hear my thoughts.
 
   Currently there are only two people who have this blog on their regular feed... I'm hoping to come up with some better thoughts and write them down. Something besides "rape culture", records, Strava, or my fatigue.

Stay tuned.

quest for the .25 rootbeer

I took the cruser out for a drunken quest for a .25 cent rootbeer. strange....

I have been drinking quite a bit these past few weeks. I'm enjoying it.... getting to know what it would be like to be a drunk. I've been here before.

what i thought was strange ... My .25 cent rootbeer was gone. Somehow I couldn't get another rootbeer for under $2.00... very odd. what has this world come to ... the little pleasure of a rootbeer ... $2.000

Snazy post on Being emotional and death

For some reason, I was very emotional yesterday. I spent a ton of money on vinyl, it was most of the things I really really wanted.... but I paid for them... crazy money if you ask me.

After that, I felt like I emotionally crashed. I guess I have been hoping to find that vinyl for so long... and it feels like an anti-climax. Like winning the Olympics and then saying "what is next" and then I guess you have to learn how to live again, or find a new obsession ;).

One of my sisters died when I was about 8 or 9 Years old. For some reason my thoughts went to her. She was the forgotten member of the family, the one who didn't get the attention. Now in retrospect, It is so clear how much she loved me. Strange to wonder about how the loss of that love has affected me. In my imagination, I think about all the times in my life when I would have liked to show up at her house and cry, or get her advice about life or love. She should have been 'That sister'... but because she died, I didn't get that... and a hole was created in my life... in my soul.

In my car... I wept and thought about how much I missed her.... 32 years later. I wonder if this is the anniversary of her death. It feels like it... and it's just about the right time.

The dream

I'm still tripping on the idea of "the dream" that "H.I." had in Razing Arizona.

  In my dream, I always thought I would make the best floor sweeper at a telescope. I guess what would be fun  is for it to be in the high mountains then I could cycle to it. In the back of my mind... I've always felt as though I could fall back on my sweeping skills. There is a documentary on Hulu about the janitors at some of the major universities. It's interesting... the idea of the garage mechanic philosopher... but what other types of philosophers are there?

In the better dream... I'm remodeling a house. I work in either astro-physics or theoretical physics. I like the idea I work in Theoretical physics, but then help someone else with their observations from a telescope. I imagine that nobody goes to telescopes anymore. I'm sure it's all available to look at from a laptop, images downloaded from the observatory. I think I hold onto the romantic notion of the long trek to the top of a mountain, not that I would smoke a pipe... but sitting there pipe in hand looking through the viewer... Imagining life in the far reaches of the universe.  Like the image of Norman Rockwell... in his self portrait... but me kicked back, feet up, filled with imagination.... alone in the solitude at the top of a mountain.

I continue to remodel my house, contemplating the interaction of various magical waves trying to understand the  cross relationship between our tactile understanding of the world, and the strange and wondrous magic that is our attempts to understand and struggle with the actual mechanics. One of my great contributions being the misunderstanding of the physics community by referring to gravity as a weak force... showing the ignorance and lack of multi-dimensional understanding of the effects, and proving it to be the single greatest and most important force in existence. Then I have moved off to some theories about how dark matter ties is linked to what one could refer to as the fabric of the universe.

My wife loves me, she is busy with her life we see each other regularly... but always miss each other, time together is cherished and we can quickly catch up, in a few moments of conversation and affection. We find time together to work on the house and the garden. Everything in our home is well organized, and we both do a great job of teasing each other in well natured ways... about where the best place for the hand tools need to be. We had considered a divorce when, an argument over if the garden gloves needed to be in a crate and shelf out side, or a drawer in the workshop.... but we worked it out.... things are much happier now, that this has been resolved by having them in both places.

And real life goes on...

I like to call it "Emotional Instability". I was watching Donnie Darko, he says "Emotional problems, I have those. What kind does your father have?"

   A tale of 2 people... a legacy of physical and sexual abuse, passed on from generation to generation. They were both born into it, they didn't make the choice to be born to those parents. Everyone just trying to survive from day to day.... just trying to make it through their day. Everyone scared by it, The walking Wounded so to speak. They talk about the emotional trauma of War, the Trauma of killing or being killed. People around you, here today gone tomorrow. There is nothing like the Truama of a father Betraying a child, The person who is suppposed to protect you, to love you. Taking advantage of you. Either by Hitting you, or by committing the most narcissistic of crimes, using ones child for their own pleasure... sadistic or not. Violated in the one place a child should feel safest. I imagine most would rather be dead, rather be in war.

The tragedy in the tale... as is in that cycle... the tragedy is the children.  Having both parents struggle with being lucid, not sure what reality anyone is in. Dad the loving father reading christmas books or the father terrorizing his children in their beds. A mother unsure of what is going on, too afraid to find out, to ask or to look. A mother also sliding from reality to reality... struggling with her history of abuse. "Is this what love is? Is this what Sex is supposed to be? Dutiful submission. Masochistic toil? If I do these things... will it satisfy him, will he stop hurting the kids?

I have never understood religion, I don't need redemption. I haven't done anything. I live by the rules, I have a momentary laps and J-walk. I have trespassed. I once stole a candybar, but only for the thrill. This is not the same thing most people go to church for. It frightens me, to be in that place. To be in a place where people NEED salvation from the things they have done. Maybe I will go to hell for my candybar theft without confession, I doubt it. If there is Heaven I don't want to be there with those that sit in church. I will say, I don't want to sit in church with someone who needs salvation. I know it is judgemental, I get that in many ways they are powerless... so are the victims. There are many victims that never lift a finger, never lift a hand to their children... but who suffered none the less. I can decide to not sit in the same room with those that do need salvation. I would also add that salvation will never come by shoving your hands together and hoping. Like they say, even a miracle needs a hand. The worst part, when the religious Zellot decides... well if god isn't answering, then it must be what he intends. God must want it to happen, or he would stop it/me.

Imagine growing up in a household created by two very desperate emotionally unstable people, both hoping that god will provide and help to created a decent life for their kids. Children growing up with two parents who lack any form of lucidity or consistency, both who struggle with reality. Those children struggling in these realities, just trying to get the food/warmth/love that they so disparately need... in a place where those things are in short supply.

To quote Joseph Conrad ""The Horror! The Horror!," 

Inability to self sooth.

what is self soothing.... it's a relief from anxiety. there is a source of anxiety... and you can't resolve it. So... you have to find a way to relieve... temporarily... the anxiety. Bike rides tend to be useful, it's not quite working for me. some people take hot showers, some people eat, some people cut into their arms or self hurt....

Inability to self sooth

Insomnia

... suffering some. My brain is trying to sort out the things that have happened over the past year. It's like the librarian grabbing half the stuff on the shelves and trying to resort it. It takes a while.

It isn't that I'm not sleeping, its that i'm not sleeping at the correct times. I have been sleeping most of the morning away. What, as everyone says you must do is force yourself to be awake. The problem is that the dysfunction that comes with the insomnia, is a lack of productivity. One starts falling behind. I did manage to get a ton of work done from noon to 9pm at night, with my sleep schedule. At least I was getting stuff done. Yesterday, it was irrigation day. I stayed up most of the day and managed a couple short naps, but I was worthless for most of the day in any real terms. I hoped that I would fall asleep tonight and wake up at something nice like 5-7am.... but no dice... my body stuck to the schedule it knows... I woke up at midnight and have been up ever since. now as dawn breaks... fatigue is taking me.... ugh... maybe 2 more hours of sleep will do the trick.

and why do I tell you about this.... Ya... I don't know. The worst part is laying in the dark... having the thoughts I haven't allowed myself in a year. I'm also thinking about what my life is going to look like from now on. These are some heavy thoughts. For reasons I can't remember, I knew I was holding back on this stuff and had been not processing these thoughts for a few months. It was driving me up a wall. I will probably spend the next 3 months going through it all. I just wish I could do it on a few more hours of sleep.... I need to get some stuff done.

Filling the void

... I have mentioned that it has been a tough year and a little bit.

In what has been a tough time, there is this hole in me that has needed to be filled. I made some mistakes by giving up my comfort to try and sort out and focus on accomplishing some things. In this period of time there has been a void inside me. I have spent tons of time trying to fill it. Some call it, self soothing. Tonight i found myself eating a bowl of ice cream. Would you believe that I chased it down with some tuna and some fresh peas from my garden. Such is life.
   It's hard to know that what I'm doing... eating the ice cream is only a stop-gap and that I need to deal with my life in a more... relevant way. Some people drink beer. some people self harm. I know I actually need to face my problems and do something about them... not to feed my pie hole... until I feel better. The root cause... that is what needs to be dealt with.

of course... sometimes you just need some ice cream..

More... but less

I said I was going to post more. I thought the previous post about duck suffocation was ok, it wasn't great... but it felt good.

I'm trying to be honest. That seems to be helping my writing. I used to have this blog and I could just post anything I felt. It's more difficult now... I can't be as honest because I get phone calls... or messages. Then I spend half of my day explaining things

I'm trying to remember what my decent thoughts today were. My garden is finally in, It's funny it is so stressful. I wonder how farmers used to do it. Probably beat their wives... My head is so full of thoughts on how we bully and hurt and disrupt the growth of our children. I can't get away from it.

This blog post sucks...

Oh.... Ok HTFU.. and Nobody is there for me.

Ok, So... I'm in one of those things right now, Where I feel like nobody is there for me... Like i have burned out all my "Support system". It is that feeling where I feel abandoned. I actually know I'm not... In a way it's that the right people are not there. I joked with a dear friend of mine that she should tell me when i'm supposed to fall back in love with her. She is this very amazing woman, so few know how amazing. Much smarter than I. She lives this quiet peaceful life. I think that was learned, she realized how quiet and peaceful she liked things. I like to imagine that she wakes up as the sun hits her Dawn facing window. In rays of sunlight she wakes up in the morning... rejuvenated cuttled and caressed by the Night. Dawn bringing a perfect morning to her life. There is no room for anyone in that life, or in that perfect morning. She is satisfied by her life... wants nor needs nothing else. She lives Self Satisfied. I love those thoughts.
   One of my Ex Girlfriends said to me "who do you trust"... which was a challenge to me, to ask me... when the chips are down... who is my "Go To"... and more specifically who is the woman I go to in those moments of weakness. Well, she certainly is one of them. But she has this perfect life and morning. I also think that, like my mother... she sort of has this saying.... My mother says..."well, at one point... mamma is all out of milk". There is something we say in cycling... or among us.... it's HTFU... You need to dig in and harden up and move on. ... Mamma is all out of milk.
    Since I like to deal in dichotomies... One of the signs of the Borderline personality disorder, is an inability to "self help". Part of that is being unable to ask for help, or to say something is wrong. My dear Nancy and I  have talked about this. Regardless of what is wrong or if someone can do anything. The thing is, You have to Say it. You have to verbalize it. This is part of making the problem real. So when someone stays to you, Shut up... stop whining about it... We have to remember that it is important to have a kind ear to listen to our problems, regardless of how large or small. There is something about saying it. There is also something to the   unhealthy nature of repressing it. Thinking nobody cares. Yet... sometimes we have to dig in and do something about it. HTFU....
   This balance between HTFU... and being vulnerable to talking about our problems... openly... well it's interesting... at what point do people become frustrated because we have whined about our lack of a decent job or significant relationship for long enough... when we continue to sit on our asses and ride bikes and watch TV... Sit and do nothing about it for too many years. At what point is it worthless whining and not a genuine struggle with our psyche... what point are we an Eeyore who constantly struggles with imposed worthlessness, no point in even listening to anymore. But for most... if they knew any other or any better way... They really would do it. It's like blaming the victim. They don't like being who they are... They just don't know any other way.... They didn't ask for it... nor are they Lazy. They just don't know the way.... And ask... Do you? Are you the pinnacle of a good life? I just saw a thing with Maurice Sendak. He said as he was getting to the end of his life "All artists Get to the end of their life and say 'Is this it? is this all that there was?" I'm not sure I know anyone who has it all figured out, I know a few people who are truly happy. Satisfied in their current life. I have been satisfied in my life. I'm satisfied in my garden, in my work which is how I lead my life. I think, though happy... I still think that the people who are happy still want more. We have learned to be happy with what we have... but... I think we know there is a more complete life. Similar to what "H.I." the Nicholas Cage character in razing Arizona was hoping for of course maybe it is one fence post too high for us... and it's our nature to reach to the limit of our abilities and then constantly bash our heads against the Immovable rock.

Ok, that is all I have... I wish I had the energy to re-read and re-edit this... maybe if I keep my streak of insomnia going... I'll edit it.... anyways... there are only 4 or you reading this anyways.

Sorry, you aren't worth a re-write.... face it.... it's called reality.

Duck suffocation

It has been quite some time since I have been able to put together some cohesive thoughts. Worst turning cohesive thoughts into a series of cohesive sentences and paragraphs. One story I rarely mention is when I was in highschool I wrote something for the literary rag. The teacher in charge of it said, "when you write you should have a theme or meaning in what you write. Unless you just want to write pulp fiction. Well I do dig me some Pulp fiction. These words have followed me the rest of my life. "Ahhhh Meaning.... good idea."

I want to watch a documentary about relationships, exploring all the strange dichotomies that relationships present us with. More Sexual relationships, than any other type. I said this this weekend, "It just seems that the single most important thing in life, finding someone and sharing a life with that person, it seems like it should be easier. The single most important thing in life, one would think it would not be so difficult. Maybe everyone else finds it easy, and I'm the only one who struggles but that is what I see out there. We have computers that think and do everything for us... but somehow I can't manage to build a life with someone and fall asleep in a bed with them and wake up the next day recharged enough to look at  the world and say... "lets go" "allonsy" or "another day world.... Let us go another round"

In these thoughts... suddenly I thought "I should do a Documentary, exploring these ideas" and yet... Ya.. mop... just what you need... another thing to do... because the other 30 things you are halfway in the middle of, just aren't enough.

with a little luck, i'm going to try and explore some of these ideas on the blog.

I was in a park about 9 months ago. I watched a male duck dunk and suffocate the female duck under the water then he mated with her. I wondered if that sadistic animal thing ... it was such anathema to how I want my life to be or to my perceptions of reality. I wondered if this was just some kind of strange element to life that I just ... that just isn't in me and I have been blind to, that this maybe was just the normal way ducks mate. Or if the male duck just wore her down... chased her all day and night until she was exhausted and raped her. Which is something we see in our human life.. some predator cornering a woman and attacking her, him even deluding himself into thinking it was just some kind of primal essence of lust. The way she dressed "made him do it" and he sees it beautiful in a Henry and June desperate depraved kind of way. I wonder what I would think of a reread of some Henry miller. The truth being, he cornered her in a parking lot and she just submitted rather than have him beat her... or suffocate her under the water. Submission is not consent.

No wonder this is all so crazy and complicated. When all I want is to wake up in the morning, make some eggs and get back to work.

No wonder woman find it so difficult and frightning. Wanting some love and affection, in a world of sexual assault and violence. Trying to suss out what is healthy from what is normal... normal in a land of duck suffocation.

Fitness

I looked down today and saw some Cycling legs. The lungs hurt,the pace was slow. Starting to feel athletic.

Very hard to say that. I am very tired. I needed some distractions tonight. I couldn't find them. I have been watching 'pump up the volume ' the ultimate poorly written teen angst movie.
Shit well beyond that I don't know what to say.

31 days of riding

Just remember, whatever you do this month with #30 days of riding... I did the same while it was colder and I put in an extra day.

I'm sitting here thinking, yep that gets me in trouble. I honestly wish I read more.

Have I mentioned I have the most awesome bed in the world... I mean seriously... I didn't know you could do all this to a bed. I thought it was all ruffles fill-agree and doily patterns. Of course you ask, Well why is it you are still up at 2am. .. you don't actually want to know. I had a full day, worked my ass off. I have so much to do.

I was sitting here trying to go to bed... I swore I had something to write... but it just didn't hit my fingers as I sat down...

Sorry.