call evil good, and good evil

Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter! -Isaiah 5:20

Oh! you are going to love this one.

Myth: Only gay men sexually assault other men.
Reality: Most men who sexually assault other men identify themselves as heterosexual. This fact helps to highlight another reality that sexual assault is about violence, anger and control over another person, not lust or sexual attraction.

Myth: Erection or ejaculation during sexual assault means you "really wanted it" or consented to it.
Reality: Erection or ejaculation are physiological responses that may result from mere physical contact or even extreme stress. These responses do not imply that you wanted or enjoyed the assault and do not indicate anything about your sexual orientation. Some rapists are aware how erections and ejaculations can confuse a victim of sexual assault this motivates them to manipulate their victims to the point of erections or ejaculation to increase their feelings of control and to discourage reporting of the crime.

Want to hear a tale of a Rapist...

   Woman with serious emotional damage from a Pervert Step father at 5 years old and then follows that up with 18 years of a pervert Sado-masochistic husband. Not the "regular kind" that uses safe words and is into freaky roll play. The kind that drags his wife to a basement and ties her up in the dark spending a manic night performing object rape and trying to see if he can manage an erection.

   Well she decides to go out on a date with 'some dude' he takes her to a movie where some 1930's guy is some kind of dominance rapist of prostitutes and the requisite scenes in the movie. She is 'triggered'/terrified by the experience, tries to hide the fact she is freaking out horrified and crying through the whole movie. She runs from the movie, spends a terrified night shaking and crying. A week later the guy calls her and asks her out again. she says no. he convinces her to have a drink and tell her why she doesn't want to date him. She goes for a beer with him. She tries to tell him about how the movie affected her. She cries, he convinces her to go out the the car. In the car she continues to try and tell him about it. In the middle of it, He says " It's just a movie baby!" Then he grabs her and Tries to Rape her. He puts two gigantic bruises on her thigh. She does escape, or so she says.

These people do exist... and they move through you life every day. You work with them. You know them... You think "They are ok". I spent most of my life not understanding why woman don't trust being alone with men. It didn't make sense to me. These days I get it. I honestly don't know what is wrong with many men. Honestly, in my teens I poked a but or two. Stupidly I just thought that was part of the seduction ritual. In my 20's I spent many an hour alone with woman, keeping my hands to myself. If I got a kiss I asked for it. I would hope for your sake that you find this as strange as I do, yet if you are a woman it's a dirty little secret that woman suffer with. Not to mention the numerous date rapes many woman suffer through, looking for mr. Right. And how many of them just accept it as somehow normal and marry them.

How about police who for the most part don't give a shit about rapes, discourage woman by telling them that "It will just be a lot of, he said she said" And the dirt little police secret, I'll almost guarantee that every cop in this country has performed a date rape... sure, it just some denial and rationalization "oh! it wasn't really rape... bla bla bla", She said no, that should have ended it.

Wither the humanity, This world We have created...... How do we do better?

What to write.

Today was actually a nice day. I made a nice soup, thought I think it doesn't have enough salt. I really struggle with that. for some reason I think I don't let it sit or stir it enough as I'm adding salt. I also think I make such large batches that it has a hard time mixing in or something. But... Not enough salt.

Having a martini... I'm digging these things.

Oh! So today I decided to just gut it up Winchester. Some of it was that I had been screwed by a little head wind on one of my descents, so I thought. Maybe I will get a tail wind up winchester. So I just drilled it. Half way up I decided to mentaly tell the pain to stop... then I decided to actually shout "Shut UP!" at my body. It worked.. the pain built back up and I screamed it again at the top of my very spent lungs. Holy Shit! it worked... I couldn't believe it. I do believe the mind is a powerful thing, more that my mind is trying to get me to stop and I just need to tell it to fuck off.

I felt good today, I don't know why. It was nice. Maybe it's because I'm watching documentaries, and it makes me feel smart, or worthwhile. something.

Well that is my story and I'm sticking too it.

well you know, Martini...

Gin drunk and more.

(I've read almost every Hunter S Thompson book ever written, in addition to tons of Bukowsky. This post will be more like HST. Don't get me started on Burroughs... and fuck that kerouac... you have him to blame for all the hipsters)

Gin drunk... Feel like i'm gin drunk and on some speed. I don't know why. I should be laying in bed vegging out, but no, upset stomach and crawling the walls. I don't know why. Seriously feel like i'm on a meth binge trying to come down with gin... but it isn't working. What the fuck.....

Honest to god I don't know what the hell is going on. Part of it is my fault.... Leap into uncertainty... ya, leap into crazy. Why the hell is it so hard to find love. Saw 'End of watch', they said "Find someone you feel you can't live without"... I'd take someone I can live with... Live without, what the hell does that mean, I shit you not... I can leave it, in just about all cases. I've been thinking recently that is probably what is wrong with me. Hard to find someone that doesn't make me want to chew my arm off... I think that must be love....

ya... Gin drunk.. maybe if I lay down.

Where was I.

I need to accept that It's ok to not be verbose in my posts. I can write something simple and leave it at that.

It's 6am... I don't know what I want to write. I'd love to be asleep but that isn't going to happen. Would you believe there is not one god damn good thing going on in my life. I guess my fitness, but where is that going? I'm probably riding too much to compensate for the crappy stuff going on. Or should I say for the Lack of good stuff going on.

Yep... Not one good thing going on in my life. I'm having a couple of good ongoing conversations. I guess that is something. It's not exactly making it so that I'm rip roaring and ready to go in the mornings....

Sigh... It is what it is.

2 readers... I know you are the only ones... but I also know that if I write more other people who don't have news feeds will start reading this. If I write it, they will come.

Sleep, Food, Bike rides

The last week has been the beginning of actual training. Training for what? Life of course. (I'm madly in love with West Wing right now it inspires me to take writing and talking more seriously. Which is why I now reflect on what needs to be a summary paragraph. Summary on a page yet to be written.). It's been a tough month. So tough I managed to finish nearly a gallon of cheep scotch. During all of this, I have managed to hit the bike every day. With the exception of one of the first days when I strained my back riding and needed a day off.

I remember all of this; I remember eating sensibly, I remember being hungry, I remember trying to find foods that were super filling. I remember Long days on the bike. Long rides with white line fever. Bonking with 7 miles to go, and dragging my ass home. Protein shakes. Being exhausted. Being irritable
 I was thrilled today when I put on my comfy pants and they have become comfy again. There were a few weeks where I had to start thinking about buying a whole bigger size of comfy pants.

Fuck.... seriously .... The Drama... The Drama has messaged me.... now instead of writing this... I get to deal with the drama.... This is my life.... this is what has been going on for a month... or a year. The Drama. It pukes up all over you, and you spend hours trying to clean up and sort it all out. As a.... Homage to my life as it is right now. This is the perfect representation. A few nice thoughts and an attempt to accomplish something.... with a sudden interruption from "the drama".

Some updates... lets get our groove on.

... Here I sit... I'm suffering some late night insomnia. I'm not sure how my actual sleep is since I'm taking a nap during the day. This is one of those times in my life where I just like the night better. It's quiet.

   I am trying to... well with my riding I now feel like I miss the blog. I had some great thoughts a few days ago, but they are fleeting. Most of my thoughts are on "Rape culture" surprise how I think nobody wants to hear my thoughts.
 
   Currently there are only two people who have this blog on their regular feed... I'm hoping to come up with some better thoughts and write them down. Something besides "rape culture", records, Strava, or my fatigue.

Stay tuned.

quest for the .25 rootbeer

I took the cruser out for a drunken quest for a .25 cent rootbeer. strange....

I have been drinking quite a bit these past few weeks. I'm enjoying it.... getting to know what it would be like to be a drunk. I've been here before.

what i thought was strange ... My .25 cent rootbeer was gone. Somehow I couldn't get another rootbeer for under $2.00... very odd. what has this world come to ... the little pleasure of a rootbeer ... $2.000

Snazy post on Being emotional and death

For some reason, I was very emotional yesterday. I spent a ton of money on vinyl, it was most of the things I really really wanted.... but I paid for them... crazy money if you ask me.

After that, I felt like I emotionally crashed. I guess I have been hoping to find that vinyl for so long... and it feels like an anti-climax. Like winning the Olympics and then saying "what is next" and then I guess you have to learn how to live again, or find a new obsession ;).

One of my sisters died when I was about 8 or 9 Years old. For some reason my thoughts went to her. She was the forgotten member of the family, the one who didn't get the attention. Now in retrospect, It is so clear how much she loved me. Strange to wonder about how the loss of that love has affected me. In my imagination, I think about all the times in my life when I would have liked to show up at her house and cry, or get her advice about life or love. She should have been 'That sister'... but because she died, I didn't get that... and a hole was created in my life... in my soul.

In my car... I wept and thought about how much I missed her.... 32 years later. I wonder if this is the anniversary of her death. It feels like it... and it's just about the right time.

The dream

I'm still tripping on the idea of "the dream" that "H.I." had in Razing Arizona.

  In my dream, I always thought I would make the best floor sweeper at a telescope. I guess what would be fun  is for it to be in the high mountains then I could cycle to it. In the back of my mind... I've always felt as though I could fall back on my sweeping skills. There is a documentary on Hulu about the janitors at some of the major universities. It's interesting... the idea of the garage mechanic philosopher... but what other types of philosophers are there?

In the better dream... I'm remodeling a house. I work in either astro-physics or theoretical physics. I like the idea I work in Theoretical physics, but then help someone else with their observations from a telescope. I imagine that nobody goes to telescopes anymore. I'm sure it's all available to look at from a laptop, images downloaded from the observatory. I think I hold onto the romantic notion of the long trek to the top of a mountain, not that I would smoke a pipe... but sitting there pipe in hand looking through the viewer... Imagining life in the far reaches of the universe.  Like the image of Norman Rockwell... in his self portrait... but me kicked back, feet up, filled with imagination.... alone in the solitude at the top of a mountain.

I continue to remodel my house, contemplating the interaction of various magical waves trying to understand the  cross relationship between our tactile understanding of the world, and the strange and wondrous magic that is our attempts to understand and struggle with the actual mechanics. One of my great contributions being the misunderstanding of the physics community by referring to gravity as a weak force... showing the ignorance and lack of multi-dimensional understanding of the effects, and proving it to be the single greatest and most important force in existence. Then I have moved off to some theories about how dark matter ties is linked to what one could refer to as the fabric of the universe.

My wife loves me, she is busy with her life we see each other regularly... but always miss each other, time together is cherished and we can quickly catch up, in a few moments of conversation and affection. We find time together to work on the house and the garden. Everything in our home is well organized, and we both do a great job of teasing each other in well natured ways... about where the best place for the hand tools need to be. We had considered a divorce when, an argument over if the garden gloves needed to be in a crate and shelf out side, or a drawer in the workshop.... but we worked it out.... things are much happier now, that this has been resolved by having them in both places.

And real life goes on...

I like to call it "Emotional Instability". I was watching Donnie Darko, he says "Emotional problems, I have those. What kind does your father have?"

   A tale of 2 people... a legacy of physical and sexual abuse, passed on from generation to generation. They were both born into it, they didn't make the choice to be born to those parents. Everyone just trying to survive from day to day.... just trying to make it through their day. Everyone scared by it, The walking Wounded so to speak. They talk about the emotional trauma of War, the Trauma of killing or being killed. People around you, here today gone tomorrow. There is nothing like the Truama of a father Betraying a child, The person who is suppposed to protect you, to love you. Taking advantage of you. Either by Hitting you, or by committing the most narcissistic of crimes, using ones child for their own pleasure... sadistic or not. Violated in the one place a child should feel safest. I imagine most would rather be dead, rather be in war.

The tragedy in the tale... as is in that cycle... the tragedy is the children.  Having both parents struggle with being lucid, not sure what reality anyone is in. Dad the loving father reading christmas books or the father terrorizing his children in their beds. A mother unsure of what is going on, too afraid to find out, to ask or to look. A mother also sliding from reality to reality... struggling with her history of abuse. "Is this what love is? Is this what Sex is supposed to be? Dutiful submission. Masochistic toil? If I do these things... will it satisfy him, will he stop hurting the kids?

I have never understood religion, I don't need redemption. I haven't done anything. I live by the rules, I have a momentary laps and J-walk. I have trespassed. I once stole a candybar, but only for the thrill. This is not the same thing most people go to church for. It frightens me, to be in that place. To be in a place where people NEED salvation from the things they have done. Maybe I will go to hell for my candybar theft without confession, I doubt it. If there is Heaven I don't want to be there with those that sit in church. I will say, I don't want to sit in church with someone who needs salvation. I know it is judgemental, I get that in many ways they are powerless... so are the victims. There are many victims that never lift a finger, never lift a hand to their children... but who suffered none the less. I can decide to not sit in the same room with those that do need salvation. I would also add that salvation will never come by shoving your hands together and hoping. Like they say, even a miracle needs a hand. The worst part, when the religious Zellot decides... well if god isn't answering, then it must be what he intends. God must want it to happen, or he would stop it/me.

Imagine growing up in a household created by two very desperate emotionally unstable people, both hoping that god will provide and help to created a decent life for their kids. Children growing up with two parents who lack any form of lucidity or consistency, both who struggle with reality. Those children struggling in these realities, just trying to get the food/warmth/love that they so disparately need... in a place where those things are in short supply.

To quote Joseph Conrad ""The Horror! The Horror!," 

Inability to self sooth.

what is self soothing.... it's a relief from anxiety. there is a source of anxiety... and you can't resolve it. So... you have to find a way to relieve... temporarily... the anxiety. Bike rides tend to be useful, it's not quite working for me. some people take hot showers, some people eat, some people cut into their arms or self hurt....

Inability to self sooth

Insomnia

... suffering some. My brain is trying to sort out the things that have happened over the past year. It's like the librarian grabbing half the stuff on the shelves and trying to resort it. It takes a while.

It isn't that I'm not sleeping, its that i'm not sleeping at the correct times. I have been sleeping most of the morning away. What, as everyone says you must do is force yourself to be awake. The problem is that the dysfunction that comes with the insomnia, is a lack of productivity. One starts falling behind. I did manage to get a ton of work done from noon to 9pm at night, with my sleep schedule. At least I was getting stuff done. Yesterday, it was irrigation day. I stayed up most of the day and managed a couple short naps, but I was worthless for most of the day in any real terms. I hoped that I would fall asleep tonight and wake up at something nice like 5-7am.... but no dice... my body stuck to the schedule it knows... I woke up at midnight and have been up ever since. now as dawn breaks... fatigue is taking me.... ugh... maybe 2 more hours of sleep will do the trick.

and why do I tell you about this.... Ya... I don't know. The worst part is laying in the dark... having the thoughts I haven't allowed myself in a year. I'm also thinking about what my life is going to look like from now on. These are some heavy thoughts. For reasons I can't remember, I knew I was holding back on this stuff and had been not processing these thoughts for a few months. It was driving me up a wall. I will probably spend the next 3 months going through it all. I just wish I could do it on a few more hours of sleep.... I need to get some stuff done.

Filling the void

... I have mentioned that it has been a tough year and a little bit.

In what has been a tough time, there is this hole in me that has needed to be filled. I made some mistakes by giving up my comfort to try and sort out and focus on accomplishing some things. In this period of time there has been a void inside me. I have spent tons of time trying to fill it. Some call it, self soothing. Tonight i found myself eating a bowl of ice cream. Would you believe that I chased it down with some tuna and some fresh peas from my garden. Such is life.
   It's hard to know that what I'm doing... eating the ice cream is only a stop-gap and that I need to deal with my life in a more... relevant way. Some people drink beer. some people self harm. I know I actually need to face my problems and do something about them... not to feed my pie hole... until I feel better. The root cause... that is what needs to be dealt with.

of course... sometimes you just need some ice cream..

More... but less

I said I was going to post more. I thought the previous post about duck suffocation was ok, it wasn't great... but it felt good.

I'm trying to be honest. That seems to be helping my writing. I used to have this blog and I could just post anything I felt. It's more difficult now... I can't be as honest because I get phone calls... or messages. Then I spend half of my day explaining things

I'm trying to remember what my decent thoughts today were. My garden is finally in, It's funny it is so stressful. I wonder how farmers used to do it. Probably beat their wives... My head is so full of thoughts on how we bully and hurt and disrupt the growth of our children. I can't get away from it.

This blog post sucks...

Oh.... Ok HTFU.. and Nobody is there for me.

Ok, So... I'm in one of those things right now, Where I feel like nobody is there for me... Like i have burned out all my "Support system". It is that feeling where I feel abandoned. I actually know I'm not... In a way it's that the right people are not there. I joked with a dear friend of mine that she should tell me when i'm supposed to fall back in love with her. She is this very amazing woman, so few know how amazing. Much smarter than I. She lives this quiet peaceful life. I think that was learned, she realized how quiet and peaceful she liked things. I like to imagine that she wakes up as the sun hits her Dawn facing window. In rays of sunlight she wakes up in the morning... rejuvenated cuttled and caressed by the Night. Dawn bringing a perfect morning to her life. There is no room for anyone in that life, or in that perfect morning. She is satisfied by her life... wants nor needs nothing else. She lives Self Satisfied. I love those thoughts.
   One of my Ex Girlfriends said to me "who do you trust"... which was a challenge to me, to ask me... when the chips are down... who is my "Go To"... and more specifically who is the woman I go to in those moments of weakness. Well, she certainly is one of them. But she has this perfect life and morning. I also think that, like my mother... she sort of has this saying.... My mother says..."well, at one point... mamma is all out of milk". There is something we say in cycling... or among us.... it's HTFU... You need to dig in and harden up and move on. ... Mamma is all out of milk.
    Since I like to deal in dichotomies... One of the signs of the Borderline personality disorder, is an inability to "self help". Part of that is being unable to ask for help, or to say something is wrong. My dear Nancy and I  have talked about this. Regardless of what is wrong or if someone can do anything. The thing is, You have to Say it. You have to verbalize it. This is part of making the problem real. So when someone stays to you, Shut up... stop whining about it... We have to remember that it is important to have a kind ear to listen to our problems, regardless of how large or small. There is something about saying it. There is also something to the   unhealthy nature of repressing it. Thinking nobody cares. Yet... sometimes we have to dig in and do something about it. HTFU....
   This balance between HTFU... and being vulnerable to talking about our problems... openly... well it's interesting... at what point do people become frustrated because we have whined about our lack of a decent job or significant relationship for long enough... when we continue to sit on our asses and ride bikes and watch TV... Sit and do nothing about it for too many years. At what point is it worthless whining and not a genuine struggle with our psyche... what point are we an Eeyore who constantly struggles with imposed worthlessness, no point in even listening to anymore. But for most... if they knew any other or any better way... They really would do it. It's like blaming the victim. They don't like being who they are... They just don't know any other way.... They didn't ask for it... nor are they Lazy. They just don't know the way.... And ask... Do you? Are you the pinnacle of a good life? I just saw a thing with Maurice Sendak. He said as he was getting to the end of his life "All artists Get to the end of their life and say 'Is this it? is this all that there was?" I'm not sure I know anyone who has it all figured out, I know a few people who are truly happy. Satisfied in their current life. I have been satisfied in my life. I'm satisfied in my garden, in my work which is how I lead my life. I think, though happy... I still think that the people who are happy still want more. We have learned to be happy with what we have... but... I think we know there is a more complete life. Similar to what "H.I." the Nicholas Cage character in razing Arizona was hoping for of course maybe it is one fence post too high for us... and it's our nature to reach to the limit of our abilities and then constantly bash our heads against the Immovable rock.

Ok, that is all I have... I wish I had the energy to re-read and re-edit this... maybe if I keep my streak of insomnia going... I'll edit it.... anyways... there are only 4 or you reading this anyways.

Sorry, you aren't worth a re-write.... face it.... it's called reality.

Duck suffocation

It has been quite some time since I have been able to put together some cohesive thoughts. Worst turning cohesive thoughts into a series of cohesive sentences and paragraphs. One story I rarely mention is when I was in highschool I wrote something for the literary rag. The teacher in charge of it said, "when you write you should have a theme or meaning in what you write. Unless you just want to write pulp fiction. Well I do dig me some Pulp fiction. These words have followed me the rest of my life. "Ahhhh Meaning.... good idea."

I want to watch a documentary about relationships, exploring all the strange dichotomies that relationships present us with. More Sexual relationships, than any other type. I said this this weekend, "It just seems that the single most important thing in life, finding someone and sharing a life with that person, it seems like it should be easier. The single most important thing in life, one would think it would not be so difficult. Maybe everyone else finds it easy, and I'm the only one who struggles but that is what I see out there. We have computers that think and do everything for us... but somehow I can't manage to build a life with someone and fall asleep in a bed with them and wake up the next day recharged enough to look at  the world and say... "lets go" "allonsy" or "another day world.... Let us go another round"

In these thoughts... suddenly I thought "I should do a Documentary, exploring these ideas" and yet... Ya.. mop... just what you need... another thing to do... because the other 30 things you are halfway in the middle of, just aren't enough.

with a little luck, i'm going to try and explore some of these ideas on the blog.

I was in a park about 9 months ago. I watched a male duck dunk and suffocate the female duck under the water then he mated with her. I wondered if that sadistic animal thing ... it was such anathema to how I want my life to be or to my perceptions of reality. I wondered if this was just some kind of strange element to life that I just ... that just isn't in me and I have been blind to, that this maybe was just the normal way ducks mate. Or if the male duck just wore her down... chased her all day and night until she was exhausted and raped her. Which is something we see in our human life.. some predator cornering a woman and attacking her, him even deluding himself into thinking it was just some kind of primal essence of lust. The way she dressed "made him do it" and he sees it beautiful in a Henry and June desperate depraved kind of way. I wonder what I would think of a reread of some Henry miller. The truth being, he cornered her in a parking lot and she just submitted rather than have him beat her... or suffocate her under the water. Submission is not consent.

No wonder this is all so crazy and complicated. When all I want is to wake up in the morning, make some eggs and get back to work.

No wonder woman find it so difficult and frightning. Wanting some love and affection, in a world of sexual assault and violence. Trying to suss out what is healthy from what is normal... normal in a land of duck suffocation.

Fitness

I looked down today and saw some Cycling legs. The lungs hurt,the pace was slow. Starting to feel athletic.

Very hard to say that. I am very tired. I needed some distractions tonight. I couldn't find them. I have been watching 'pump up the volume ' the ultimate poorly written teen angst movie.
Shit well beyond that I don't know what to say.

31 days of riding

Just remember, whatever you do this month with #30 days of riding... I did the same while it was colder and I put in an extra day.

I'm sitting here thinking, yep that gets me in trouble. I honestly wish I read more.

Have I mentioned I have the most awesome bed in the world... I mean seriously... I didn't know you could do all this to a bed. I thought it was all ruffles fill-agree and doily patterns. Of course you ask, Well why is it you are still up at 2am. .. you don't actually want to know. I had a full day, worked my ass off. I have so much to do.

I was sitting here trying to go to bed... I swore I had something to write... but it just didn't hit my fingers as I sat down...

Sorry.

New bed.

It is springtime here on woody creek farm.  Dang I miss HST. If you don't get the reference I wont fault you. You should have heard the Gary oldman joke I made. It took 5 min to tell and 10 to explain.

I have the seed for the birds out. Camping gear is being organized. New pair of trail runners, no idea when I will run again and if you saw my girth..... you would laugh ... we all start somewhere.

I spent most my weekend moving furniture. I scored a full king bed-set its impressive. In love with the comforter. It is making me want that 1000 thread count set of sheets. (Did I just say that?).

I think my point was.... I am exhausted. And we still haven't gotten the planting done.

Up late

I was completely exhausted today, not sure why i'm up late. I seem to be haunted a bit. Not sure by what, some past history. Odd, not sure ... sometimes I feel like I'm picking up where I left off after high school.

One of those nights where you spend hours on the computer wondering about people you used to know. Yet, not exactly wanting to find out.

Wish I knew what kicked off this fit of nostalgia.

Friend

I have a friend who is doing 366 days of photos. this is day 80 or something maybe 82, I'm proud of her. She tried to get me to write something every day. I have been trying. Not very well, we all remember 30 days of blogging. Well, I won... but 366 days is a .. Well it's impressive.

I intend to do better about writing, I miss the old blog.

I want to write something.... I'm not sure what. I'm a huge fan of The walking dead, it and doctor who are about all I watch. Seems like it is going to get more comic book like soon. Not sure if I like that. I both liked and disliked shane... but I both like and dislike many of the characters.

The cusp of 40

As I remember it, I started this blog at 34. Here I am on the cusp of 40... I know you are fucking sick of hearing about it. I just figured it was appropriate to do a blog post.

I have to renew my driver's license, apparently its like applying for CIA clearance. I am not getting into missile silos. This is honestly Big brother... seriously it's just ID to drive a fucking car. Person owns this, may drive a car, person in picture needs to "kind of match" the person in the photo... and you have a small chance it is the same person. But sure enough I need to bring 9 documents that could easily be forged to prove i'm able to fucking drive a car. TELL ME WHAT THE HELL I NEED ID FOR!! SOME FUCKER CAN CHARGE THE SHIT OUT OF MY BANK ACCOUNT AND GET LOANS IN MY FUCKING NAME.... WITH NO FUCKING ID... but... drink a beer or some smokes.... I need Valid 9 verifiable versions of who I am... with a fingerprint blood and retinal match. But to steal my money... NO FUCKING PROBLEM.

That is what is wrong with this world.... everyone is shooting the wrong fucking target. How about a bank fucking ID... that one has all the shit.... and I have to use it to spend my money....

Since I was 18 I have thought about fake ID and how to have and get it.... THE PROBLEM IS IT ISN'T FUCKING USEFULL. Hey... I'm not me.... I'm roger williams... oh... thank god... cause we are after you, not roger williams. Like I say... I dont' even know who I am.... how the fuck could I be someone else...

Let me let you in on a secret... if you were getting into missile silos... there would be special ID... Missile Silo ID. I had a special ID to get into a building I used to work at.... seriously, I needed a different ID just to work somewhere.. My drivers license is good for one thing... to drive.

ok Shane is fucking dead. and if fucking whats her name... hadn't said "the baby may be yours" he would be alive... Ok how fucking days of our lives. they did do an ok job of him going nuts though. .. and I just don't know what I'll do without shane on that show...

40 here I come.

Ride 10

I just ate the most ridiculous thing.... sort of chex mix with jelly beans and M&M... with a cream filled doughnut on top. Ugh... it's one of those things that sound good sort of tastes good... but when you are done.... You feel nasty. Maybe that is why some people puke that stuff up.

I miss the time when I ate soup and veggies and soup for 6 months.... that was nice.... Somehow I am struggling to get back there.

I kind of want to hide right now, the big B-day is coming... I think I'm dealing with it, I don't have any plans... not sure I want any... not sure I don't...

You know what I want... I want to build a Tent fort... One of those ones with blankets... I want to hide and read for a few days... That is what I want for my birthday. Maybe with my bike kit all setup outside so I can just grab it and go for a ride...

all of this I want in southern utah.

Right now I feel like... I have one of those moments where... I don't seem to know where life is taking me... or hell if I'm even on the path... Obviously I'm only where I am... and obviously I'm on the only path around. Somehow I was sitting there asking myself, not only if I'm going in the right direction... if i'm even in the right place in the universe.

I have been feeling like I don't know Like the Universe is barely talking to me... and that I'm just in the wrong parking lot, looking for a car that i'm not even sure I like driving.

ride 8

I would like to start by asking.... "what ever happened to good Oliver Stone movies?" It all went downhill at JFK and that damn born on the fourth of july. Platoon discussed a very interesting Duality.... Somehow he convinced the studio into a 3quil of 1960's movies... ok 4 with "the doors".

But I digress.

Ya, today was a ride like any other ride. I'm happy to be out... unhappy about my life. Just going to say that turning 40.... little to show for it... besides some squirly blog and some squirly friends.

I'm eating like... well ... I'd eat the Oder eater out of a shoe right now... if it was covered in sugar. Bottomless hole I think...

Not the good dreams

I want to remember the Yesterday nights dream.

In my dream I was living in a house every time they fix it it was done substandard... and the house would constantly drip. Sometimes the drip would become a flood.

There was a tiger in the house. The tiger used to drink the dripping water, but the tiger was removed. Now the drip becomes a leak, and it becomes a flood.

I stopped the workmen and insisted that the work be done to reasonable standards.... but it is a long process.

Some day I will put some images to my posts.

Meaning: Well my guess is that it is about poor coping strategies. House being a metaphor for the person. Removing the old ways of "getting along" and building a strong and decent 'Home' ... The dripping is probably crying.

Ride 7

31 days of cycling.

Well this isn't' all that interesting

Ride six I forgot to blog about... because well it was like every other ride.... because it was.

I did decide that it's not particularly cycling fatigue, it't more laundry fatigue. 2-3 layers in the washer and dryer every day.

ride that almost was

Ride number 5

I was hoping for an hour and a half. I turned into the headwind and rode 1 mile and almost turned back... I said... "this sucks but I can at least go out two and a half".

It is an amazing day out there... but I'm effing tired.

Mop Mopinator, Getting chicked for 2 decades.

Ride 4 31 days of cycling.

I went out on sunday, I was just doing my Usual run. What I like to call the Mopinator Crit. Which goes near Eborn's house. 2 miles from home I saw Nancy on her bike, and whipped around and caught on. Of course her and two other serious woman cyclists.

Chatting with them I realized that everyone makes jokes on the bike, especially about the other cyclists. When I caught them they were putting the hurt on 3 super Clydesdales and some other guy had apparently caught their wheel, who didn't bother to chat with them. It's funny, I had no problem holding their wheel, but that guy ended up pulling right off. It's interesting how it's hard to gauge people's fitness.

As the girls joked.... ."the problem is, no men like to get 'chicked' on a bike". It's probably part of my character, but i'm not as competitive as most cyclists. Probably why I don't race... getting beat is probably just another day for me... won't exactly upset me or inspire me to do better.

30 days of hell. oops 31

Well, I decided that my poor fitness was going to require 30 days of fitness. I did this on a lark 2 years ago. I liked it a lot. One thing that you do learn is how important that rest day is. Even that coffee ride is just a little too much.

I think this is about 2 weeks of regular riding. It's all starting to blur together. My head is still in a terrible place. Just ... Too much. If there is this line where you are dealing with too much crazy bullshit. I have no margin of error, if one(additional) tiny thing starts to go wrong, I start spiraling out of control.

Ride one I was going to just spin around the block. There was a ton of snow and I was nervous, but the weather felt fine and I started and decided to give it some miles.

Ride two was the same thing. I did look out and decide the weather was nice enough to do a real ride. It was nice to get out, but I am exhausted, its been a nasty week.

Encounters of the third kind

3 odd years ago, I started a journey. Pardon me, I feel absolutely sick right now. Not the kind of sick where you have a cold or the flu for a few days. Sick as though I'm casting off some serious demons, sick as though i'm transitioning from one life to another. From what was to what is going to be. You may ask, "where have you been mop?". Well for the past 3 years it's been a bit of a journey, experiencing an aspect of life which most of us want to pretend doesn't exist. Some time ago I may have mentioned how I was learning about why woman didn't feel safe, why people are afraid of people or men or things around them. Over the past 3 years I have learned much about why.

Many of you have wondered why I have been so interested in the Josh Powell story. There was a point where his father came out and started talking delusional about Susan and started calling her a whore. Over the past years, I've learned that these are hallmarks of a Pervert.... a Child Molesting pervert. For the past few years, I have spent way too much time in Anti-denial about the perverts that live in our midst... and the way they talk and live, and how they get away with what they do.... and your denial helps.

So, where have I been? well I have had a few years of experiences, First hand experiences dealing with various perverts.... it's funny when you manage to see them and realize that they are real... and are around us all the time..... and what to do about them... how to deal with them and how to handle them.... and how not to handle them.

Here I sit, I feel like someone who has been off to war and has had a few days of rest and restoration/recreation. I feel more like I want to puke than .... restored.

I guess more on this later....

Feeling a bit wibily woboly

I am not sure how to start. I am feeling lousy. That big 40 is coming. It seems to be part of what has me down. Evaluating my life at 40. My lack of exercise at 40. My lack of a decent life at 40. Lack of real love at 40...... fun fun fun.... going to lay in bed for a few extra minutes ...

Valentines duality....

I was reflecting on the possible dichotomy between Valentines and Single Awareness day.

My entire life I have always felt like Valentines should be like it was when we were kids where everyone got a valentines, and we picked through a box and tried to apply our feelings to each other from a box of pre-made valentines... giving those extra special ones to those extra special people.

As I was reflecting on it and was reading about how many people see Single Awareness day. As either a Celebration of being single or a desire to be counted on a day that points out your misery at being single( it is called SAD ). It made me realize how this holiday which should be about love, seems to have become about cards and about being in love with your significant other.

It seems like what could be a nice holiday about our affection for each other... like many holidays it's become about our feelings about our self and maybe about our own self loathing and insecurities. Maybe next year I will remember and just share that deep and innocent love and caring for each-other. Here is to next year...

Wake at ass crack :30... what do I do at asscrack :30

That is the problem with getting up, you have to do something. I guess one of the things to do is get up and figure out, What to do.

Oh, Fun.... sit and blog this.... I'm hoping it goes somewhere.

I'll bet some coffee will help. Of course .. I made me a big breakfast; biscuits, sausage, eggs with Salt Cod.

Posting something

I had some very important thoughts to post.... then they ran out... I want some good sleep and a calm life....

More commercial culture

I was watching something on Hulu... apparently i'm expected to watch all the Superbowl commercials and Pick my favorite. It's apparently what all the cool kids are doing.

If this doesn't solidly encapsulate significant portions of what is wrong with us and what passes for our culture... I don't know what does.

Late night movies

It has been a few years since, with much weighing on my mind, I have laid awake watching movies in the wee hours of the morning. I find it interesting how movies in this frame of mind seem to resonate more clearly. The music and story seem to have more depth. Maybe because its an escape ... it must be easier to suspend ones own disbelief when we want to run from the life around us.

Hmm

Superbowl notes.

There are many things to comment on tonight.

I was so exhausted by my day I fell asleep at nine thirty. I thought it bode well for my night until I woke up at twelve thirty....

Pop...non culture.

I've somehow managed to catch up on all my marketing. I'm sure it has to do with watching the Superbowl. By "marketing" I mean the attempt by marketers to get me to buy more crap. It sounds like the rumor of a " Ferris Bueller part 2" was just a ruse to get me to buy a car. Charming that Matthew Broderick is unwilling to make a sequel, but still willing to cash in. Lets keep hopping for LadyHawk 2(side note; Michelle Pheifer is that old?). I'll still hang onto hope for a beloved "Square Pegs Reunion", of course that Merritt Butteric died of AIDS in the late 80's isn't helping my cause.... and that it would probably come off as more of a "Sex in the City Prequel".

I'm also a little confused... did the Price Line Negotiator die? I'm not sure I can handle this news, when added to my previous disappointmet with Ferris Bueller 2.

I guess I'm just going to have to keep my hopes alive with the idea of "War Games 2"

The Powell Family.... Either he or his father killed her. If his father killed her, he missed all the signs and did not help the police catch him.... which is a solid sign of some kind of Psycopath father with an unnatural hold on his son. If He did it, or he enabled his father to get away with it.... either way he should never have be allowed to see his kids again. As evidence of what a bad idea it was to have his kids never see him... I present the evidence that he killed himself and the two kids last night.

Unfit father, Unfit Parent, unfit grandfather.... ya... the fucker did it.

Side note: if your father in law has a hangman's noose with some kind of doll in it in his office, I'd suggest you keep your kids away. Just saying.

Ramble

I'm not thrilled by my daily ramble. I want to try and correct that.

I have a kink in my back/neck this morning. I managed to go to bed early, only to wake up after a few hours of sleep, i'm hoping to catch a late morning nap. The kink is from tension.

Ugh... now I forgot what I was going to write about.

This is going to be fun.

Well I wanted to blog something every day, I'm sure I'm failing.

I just checked web stats for this blog, either I have it set up wrong. Sorting that out will take another day. I guess it shouldn't surprise me that I have very few visitors. The ones I do have probably visit by blog feed.

What was I going to blog about..... Ops I don't quite remember. I'm still in a bit of purgatory, much of it will be over tomorrow. I'm strangely excited about that, I guess I like dealing with stuff and getting it out of the way.

I did just wonder if I outlived Jim Morrison..... who I don't think made it to 30.... google says?

he died at 28... yep older by jim morrison by 12 years.

Direction non direction

I was reflecting tonight. As focused as I tend to be, as well as the universe tends to talk to me. The funny thing is that I have two friends who are the opposite. They both have told me about their dreams, the strange thing is the sort of reality that is developing from them both. As much as I feel I have vision, it is strange to me that they both seem to ... or might see things the way they really are, in their dreams.

I guess the thing is, they are less in touch with what is going on... but their dreams are letting them see ... what they can't with their own eyes.

strange....

and bogity boogity boogity.... Much magic mumbo-jumbo going on late at night, in the middle of winter.

Damn..

This is insomnia

Not feeling well.

This is one of those times. My big 40 b-day is coming up. All downhill from there. Downhill... I like who I am, I like how I live... but if things go more downhill, I am in trouble.

As a quick aside, I kind of want to watch movies for a few days. I guess I want to escape....... escape what??? Damn its not even my life I want to escape. 

Back to it.... probably ten years I have been trying to live a better life. Making the worst mistake.. hoping it would just happen. Took me 3 years to realize that wouldn't happen just by hoping. As my Muse might say "just do it"

Fuck fourty and here I am.... wanted to be elsewhere.

winter duldrums

Ugh... the mens final of the Australian open is on tv right now... I've felt awful this week, I want to say "This is the worst I have felt in 5 years" but then I wonder... is that how I feel every winter? this is the worst I have ever felt... and it is just seasonal.

I don't know.

I probably need to focus on writing about things that go on out the the world, describing real things I see and feel every day. I'm just sort of happy to be writing every day.

Some un-musings

I was watching some commercial... it was about "buy this toothpaste... or your kid will have rings in his nose"

I know it is a theme with me.... but where are all the "Marry a religious Zellot, and end up tied up by a sadist(just for Julie; in the un-consensual way)"

Where is this in our modern folklore...

The universe

I have been ... well it feels like the signal to noise ratio is getting high, in my life. I am not sure what I am being told or where to go from here.

Too much noise not enough signal.

still trying to write

I'm still trying to write something every day, I'm hoping to get back in the hang of it. I just feel like Y'all do when we do these things like 30 days of riding or writing...

I see how it is to just get overwhelmed with life and give up.

Oscars

The nominations are out for the Oscars. Two years ago I sat down and tried to watch all the nominated best pictures and as many of the other films nominated in the major categories. For those that remember, I was not impressed. As I remember there were two films I enjoyed, and the rest I found "Watchable". I just wasn't sure they were worth my time. This was the year of "Hurt Locker", "avatar" and "up in the air", both movies I thought were good...

.... With all the money tied up in these movies, I think I just expect more.

.... Either that or I'm getting old.

Sick 2.0

I slept most of the day. I'm lucky, I tend to be able to wallow in my illness, most of you go to work and suffer through it... just trying to get by. I get to spend days just .... Wallowing and complaining... thinking about how I don't feel good... how it is interfering with getting anything done... Hoping that it will pass.

I seriously watched movies and felt sick all day.... tough life... strange I am complaining... I don't know what I was trying to write here.... I'm just trying to write every day. I would hope I would try and write something of use......

I had this thought... if Romney doesn't win or doesn't win the presidency... when the Mormons roll out 2 more candidates, will america get them confused, will they say "oh, it's another mormon brunette Ken Doll, how is this one different than the last one?"

Huntsman

The world may be ready for: a black president, a Hispanic president, a Woman, Maybe even a gay one ... but I don't think the world is ready for an "in the closet gay Mormon" one.

Did I just say that?

Being sick

I've been very sick this winter. Somehow I just can't escape the germs. The most probable reason is all the breeders in my life, and their Germ carrying Spawn.

Besides being debilitated, the worst part of being sick is not knowing if you just need to Nut up and Deal with being sick and move on or if you just need to lay down rest and accept that you are sick.

Around and around that thought goes through my head.

Lliam

Those that are "In the Know" realize that I am into Battlestar Galactica right now. Don't ask me why. I have been asking that for over 2 weeks now, and have no answer.

This is how bad it is; One of the Original/God Like Creator/cyborg/Organic machines/ Cylon/Skinjobs/toasters, who is sleeping with one of the Created /Rebel /cyborg/Organic machines/ Cylon/Skinjobs/toasters and having a baby with Her, decided to name his child Lliam. The Original Cylon's Ex wife then Confronted Lliam's mother with the fact She nor the child were special, whereas the father wanted to name their child Lliam Except the Original cyclon's origional cylon wife was barren. At which point Rebel/second Generation Cylon under the stress of this new information, then miscarries. As Original dad/Cylon was crying in the arms of the guy from Stand and Deliver(Edward James Olmos) AKA Loren Green... No wait Cpt Adama, they mentioned that Lliam was short for William. Clear as Mud?

William is a family name on my Father's side. My father's middle name was William, after his father. I said to myself, Oh.... If I had a kid, which will probably not happen, I could name that child William and call him Lliam, Continuing some kind of Family Legacy.

I then realized I was continuing the legacy of a Drunk Irish Wife Beating Asshole. I then said, I can then challenge my child to not live up to his Legacy. Then I thought, when he does become some kind of drunk asshole he could then blame me for naming him after his drunk ass great Grandfather......

Sweet..... only 4 episodes left... Now I wonder... are the original cyclons just glorified test tube babies.

Way more than 3 lines... or 5.

ducks and geese and chickes better scurry

As I sat on a bridge in the park yesterday, I saw a couple of ducks mating. It seemed as though the male pushed the female's head down under the water during the act. I wondered, "How many Animal mating acts are so Sadistic?". Then I wondered if I had even seen it in the first place, or if it was just a manifestation from my brain.

(I'm trying to just write a few lines from my day, and trying to do it every day)

Long time no blog

Ugh.... well I'm feeling bad today... new diet.... new conviction to lean down....

I believe I am as heavy as I have been in..... 4 years.

I was lamenting the year I was on a solid good diet and about christmas time I had to buy a new belt because my old one didn't have enough notches... Sure I was irritable... but

I hope I have the conviction to get things back under control.

Y'all haven't had any updates... but I have very good reason to have let things go.... Yet I will admit... there is no good reason....

Sure this post sucks... but I'm hoping to get back into the swing of things... and posting something is .... well it's something, maybe not better than nothing.

Procrastination

Procrastination....

Which "aparently" I can spell... I can't spell "apparently" but procrastination... that I can do.

I keep thinking... I'll be able to get something done... as soon as I get a shower.... as soon as I get this coffee drunk... as soon as I finish watching this tennis match....

this has been going on for about a week. I'm trying very hard to sit down and get some work done.

as I sit here.. I have cleaned my desk... made vegetable stock. Working on a glitch on this other computer. I took a shower. I'm thinking about taking another one. I think I need a shave.... tomorrow I get a haircut....

I keep thinking if maybe I get a coke....

you see... I don't think it will help.

I did take a nap... that almost helped after the nap, I managed to sit at my desk, and I managed opening up the project on my computer.

Well shower and a shave it is.....

spin twirl and suffer.

I'm sitting here remembering what it was like to blog all the time. I just took a shower and I remembered how strange it used to be when I could just write anything that came into my head. I guess there was a point in time that I faced all my demons. Funny that now I feel like I have faced them. Like most of them have moved past me. Most of them... and when I say "Most" I mean all the ones that I knew about that I feared. Well those fears, those demons have moved past me... moved on.

What is strange though.... I can't share "what is going on" inside this old mouse infested head of mine. Mostly because it is not my truth anymore, it's other peoples truth. I've been entrusted with them and I don't get to share them. Now I realize that what I need to do is face my fears... and part of that is to talk about them and confront all the "things" that mess with us. To share that "dark place" to share that Dark terror that nags and haunts us. It's funny I keep encoraging people to share it... yet... they keep going back to hiding it. No mater how much better they think it is to share it, and to let me connect with them and their pain. They keep wanting to hide it... they don't get how I want to hear it... I want to share it... that it is the natural thing to share that pain with another person.....

they just bury it.... "it's my cross to bare"... then they eat it..... and it just tears them to shreds....

Nancy said to me.... "why is it that it seems to be better when I say it. That all I have to do is say it".....

funny that that is just what I want to do.... I just want to share it for them.... problem is.... they don't ....

So I watch them spin and suffer.....

Hmmm some updates

I am kind of upset right now, so I seem to have nothing else to do but post here.

I spent most of last night and most of the morning breaking up with my girlfriend. The jist of it from me was "your life is too fucked up, and you are in a constant state of screwing mine up. I know you mean well, but I've had my fill"

She hoped that this morning I would relent. I said, "I can't spend the next year worrying about you every day, you have to chose to put an end to this stuff." and she wouldn't. to her defense, she doesn't even know how. It was just too much for me, I couldn't live in a constant emergency.

It was the right decision, it's just strange when the only decision you can make is to not care about someone so that their horror show life doesn't affect yours. My only choice was to stop caring..... of course that is hard.

I guess it is all my fault for letting it all happen, should have ended it many months ago.

Ryan posted a post about Mormons.... I have one thing to say about the Mormon Zellots, the ones who are "hard core". Freud talked about overcompensation, I kid you not there is a huge element of the church who like warren jeffs are just using it for pedophilia. I'd even go as far as saying part of the fundamental issue with "plural wives" has to do with it being an 1700-1800's excuse for being attracted to children. These Zellot Mormons are using the church to hide their pedophilia or any number of perverse sexual or psychological deviance. There are some decent Mormons, but after all the things I've seen I'd never trust a Mormon with my kids, especially one who "talked the talk", many of them just use it to get access and gain trust.

fun fun fun.....

I hope I can get out on a bike ride.... one problem is that she broke my MP3 player months ago, and I haven't had time to set up the new one.

cry cry cry.... just move on.....

long time no update

So much to not blog. There are tons of things going on for me. Like I have covered many moons ago. One of the problems with knowing a few people and having people I now know reading the blog. Well I tend to have a ton of secrets.

Fuck!!!

I honestly wish the blog was anonymous again. I'd love to share some details of my life, all the things going on Good and bad.

I want a cookie...

I guess I'm kind of upset. There are a few things to be upset about. Honestly, i'm upset at how unfair the world is to so many people.

I guess there is a bike race going on out there. I'm in miserable shape. of course I told that to someone, they said "you are crazy... you are in great shape"

ugh.... well I tried to post. I guess we have seen these posts in the past.

3 options

I'm getting hate mail about my blog. This not being anonymous isn't much fun.

I wrote about three options.

These weren't woman, these were job's.

I should go into;

• psychology,
• Financial planning
• back into networking

I guess someone thought I was talking about woman.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

It was 15 years ago, I guess not too long I have been at this blog for almost 5 years. That year it was Rachel. We effectively broke it off in February, it was her birthday. It that relationship, I realized I couldn't trust what she said. She would say things to me, that were not reliable. She would act in ways that were inconsistent with what she said. This was the point at which I realized I had some emotional problems of my own. Most people would have just dismissed her, and would have said "something is wrong with her." and moved on. I didn't or couldn't do that. That relationship was on and off for half a year.

One of the things I learned was that what people say, and what they do are totally different things, and not just because they are liars. At one point I had no idea how she felt for me, I started asking her odd questions to see if I could get her to say she had some feelings for me.

I asked, "If I was shot and I showed up here, would you take care of me, nurse me back to health?".

She said, "I would treat you like any person, just like even any bum on the street. I would call an ambulance and send you on your way."

At that point, I realized she either didn't like me at all, or couldn't express it. Either way, I didn't want anything to do with her, or the relationship. It took me a year or two to realize it. Probably 3 to dislike her for dragging me through her psychological hell.

The point of all this is to explain how I feel about Julie. She doesn't read this, so it's not for her benefit. The thing is, there I was drunk and emotionally vulnerable on my birthday, and the "reality" of things are, that she was there for my birthday. To talk with and joke with, the whole bit. It meant everything to me.

And that is why I love Julie. I'm in Maxx mode today.... It's a thing, go with it.

4am...

ya... this is what I get for going to bed at 10 and then waking up at midnight.

Don't engage the crazy.... Ya... the story of my life.

the last two days on the bike, i've been very cold....

I quit on monday before I even got the cleats on.... "Fuck this.... it's God damn Cold!!!!"

Lowered my seat... which was impressive. I changed shoes last season, I think that is the difference. But what it has shown is that my Seat position was just a tad high.

But... I can usually stand sub 50 degree temperatures... but right now... I just can't stand it. maybe it was southern utah, maybe it is just that i'm ready for spring. No idea... but I just don't seem to want to be cold.

Embracing uncertainty.....

When last we checked in on our superhero.......

Where the hell was I.... Things were strange... things are still strange. I'm still contemplating my future. I need to do something with it. I have 3 options, some random dude I met said "Do all three".... ya, I think that gets dangerously close to indecision.

Speaking of indecision, I swore I was doing HOTN. Then since my lame Achilles problem and other odd things going on. Which included, one long stressful week at work. Training has sucked. I feel like I pushed it a little hard on my birthday and have paid for it. One would think I would be thrilled to get the extra hours, but my knob boss screwed me out of much of the benefit.

That conversation went like this.

"We want you to X"

"Ok, but that will require Y"

"Well, no we don't want to give you Y"

"Then I don't want to do X"

"We still want you to do X. We really appreciate you stepping up for the company."

"I'll do it, but don't bother asking again."

It's funny how i'm stepping up for the company, yet somehow they won't step up for me.

So.... Long week, long weekend.... After getting a little ride in yesterday, I said, "why the hell not ride HOTN". Who knows what the hell i'm doing with my training.... Who knows what the hell i'm doing with my life.

So.... Uncertainty... Seems like for the past few weeks, i've been digging the uncertainty. Ok, digging may be a strong word. How about.... embracing. It kind of feels like the first time you start swimming or riding a bike. There is something wrong with there not being something hard under your feet. It seems like I'm getting used to it.

If you ask some, the thing is we are all traveling in a cloud of uncertainty. It's only an illusion that of certainty.

but I certainly need to get some focus going. Get some direction.

I don't know... maybe that is the joy of the uncertainty.....

Mid-Day update

I had numerous strange dreams, last night. I think my mind is trying to sort everything out. I'm dying to know what it figures out. I just started riding again. physicaly, I feel like a lump of poo. I need to keep ice on my achillies and it is hard to fit that in.

I was also not working saturdays, for about 3 days, now I am again. I'm coping with work, by eating bad food and soda. I actually don't know why I hate it. Maybe I need to slow down and not worry about it so much.

Honestly, besides work I have no idea what i've been doing over the past few day. I've spent most the day with my head in my hands, sitting here at my desk.

Odd dream

I think, I finally caught up on my rest.

I was awoken by the strangest dream. I was in the hospital. I don't know if I had cancer, or if I was being tested. There was some vagueness as to why I was there, you know how dreams are.

I'm a huge fan of asking myself "What is the universe saying to me, where does it want me to be.". Seems like sometimes my dreams give me some idea of what where what and how things are bothering me. Well, this dream didn't. One of my "internet super friends" one I've never 'really' met, a male one was there, somehow. In the dream it seemed like such a good friendship. Somehow I think I could use more good friendships.

Here is the thing, for some reason right now, it seems like the universe is in flux. Somehow.... usually when I reach into the belly of the cosmic vibe.... Reach into the deep knot of the cosmic strings... Usually I can get a feel for where i'm supposed to be going, and what i'm supposed to do. I don't have that right now. I think I was talking to someone and I said, 'it's like i'm at a fork in the road. Many Forked road.' . It seems very strange. I don't know what the hell to do about it.

Somehow i'm a bit overwhelmed. My intent was to race HOTN. In the past 5 days, I've gone from a light work week, to a heavy one. I think that the boss, who is a knob, realized what good work I was doing. Suddenly I have a ton more hours. All of this interfering with my training and my life. I mentioned previously having a hard day. Many years ago I worked some 24 hour days. When you went home, it took 2 days to recover. I actually feel like I just woke up from my haze from a miserable shift. But that was just Monday... and here it is Wednesday. I sometimes wish I was one of those half assers who wander about clueless and able to just go home not realizing what a shit job I was doing.

I'm not sure reading Facebook late at night and dinking around .... Not sure that is it.

on Myth and meltdowns

.... Start in the middle, work my way out.

I had a tough day at work monday, it is still haunting me. I like to think i'm very good at what i'm doing. Of course self doubt kicks my ass from any real self confidence. Ugh....

Seems like spring has sprung... though my greenhouse doesn't show it. With it, brings melt down season. The usual pattern is that most of us go into a manic state through may. Then there is a bit of a large scale meltdown. Sort of a, "the crops have been planted, now it's time to fall down.".

But.... I've got a few of the mop friends who are having a bit thing, including me. Work was ugly yesterday, like I said it still haunts me. I'm getting tempted to become a financial advisor. It seems like a horrible idea. Yet I sort of love the idea. Point was, yesterday was ugly... and it sort of spiraled into a small scale melt down. BTW I think that makes 5 for the year. I must be pushing things much too hard.... Leaping into that uncertainty.... just a little more... unsteady than I'd like. Pushing things a little harder than ever.

I remember last year... Allonz-y. There was only a little bit of chaos. This year feels like things are much harder.

I think .... you know.... middle work my way out. I just, want to send everyone some good Mojo!! you are all very great, I've got your back..... Let me know what I can do. I of course may have to start taking appointments. I love you all.....

I have a friend who has sent me some of the lamest messages for the past month... This isn't the ex... but I just get some of the stupidest lamest e-mails from this person. Just stuff that is rude and nasty. Then I think this person doesn't realize how it keeps pushing me away. Some people run this odd reverse thinking, where somehow they think conflict is the way to grow together.

hmmm.... well this post may or may not be going anywhere.... but I guess it's finished.

Oh good... back to it

My sleep was ... well I managed to go to bed by 1am the whole time on vacation. Beer was required. I drank more in the past 3 days than I have in 2 years probably that would be the total sum beer in the past 2 years.

I'm actually not sure this is true, I'd just like to think it is. I'm not an alcoholic, I think it's just been a rough winter. My birthday was Sunday, it was as good a birthday as I've had. I remember a birthday that was very nice, 15 years ago. Then suddenly my Ex thought I had gone to the strip club the weekend before, because I made a joke about it. The result was 3 hours of fighting. P.S. My ex... and most of my GF's have always been more attractive than most Strippers i've ever seen.

Ok, when I sat down here my intent was to talk about my love of Julie Holmes. Many years ago, Julie and I were just sort of flirting, usual sort of stuff. I exchanged some e-mail with her. She then asked me later if I had told anyone some of the stuff that we had written in that e-mail. I told her no. Many of the secrets that people tell me.... and trust me, I have a few. I think it's the blog, and its so raw and honest, people have a tendency to want to reciprocate, it's natural. Also something maybe about me, somehow they open up to me. I've never ever wanted anyone who told me something honest or in confidence to feel like that would ever be violated. So... I would never tell a person, anything that anyone has shared.

I find out that one of her "Stalkers" and julie has a few. She tends to have them moving in and out like a revolving door, around her. Well, she told me about it. you know, I have a super hero esque persona... I call myself an Anti-super hero, which is a super hero who is forced into his roll by circumstance. There is a movie called "Hero" with Dustin Hoffman. He is a classic anti-hero. Julie tells me something, which throws a Huge Red Flag at me about what is happening. Up to this point I had never called any one of the readers of this blog. Well I hopped right on the phone and called her.

she said, "Why?"

I told her "Julie, this is a safety issue. The blog is stupid. You need to be safe. You haven't told anyone about this, and I need to make sure you are safe."

using my mop powers, and ... well, shit like this doesn't live in the light of day. Once I told the person that I knew. They backed off. Crazy doesn't like to have people know that they are crazy.

But.... so began Julie and my Love affair. Everybody likes a good rescue...... Except for me.... Ever since... it's been a quarterly phone call, just to catch up on each others dysfunctional relationships, each of us hoping that the other will find real love. She has asked me a few times, Why don't we date? I just reply.... You scare the shit out of me... or some such nonsense. But... on my birthday, When the day before she gave me a solid HTFU, or Nut Up! I needed that solid swift kick in the ass. I then told her how great she was.... she then yelled at me... said "Why don't you fucking call me" Sure enough, there was julie on the phone on my birthday. The two of us gabbing like a couple of girls. Neither of us able to get a word in.

Her saying stuff like "you know you dork... Your posts are getting darker and darker... you know that!" I said, "Ya, that is because this thing has finally become nasty. The current Ex finally has made me dislike her. Which i'm sure is what her defenses were trying to make happen. Trying to make me into the bad guy."

on that side note.... ya.... she wins.... Now get out of my life... She wins a ticket home. I hope that is what she wanted?

Well, I always talk about "the mop's super friends"... and how they come up for me "large"... Super man has the kryptonite around his neck... and they show up and pull off said kryptonite.... to let me fight on another day. It's just one of those times where .... I just have to say that I love Julie Holmes. and some of my other superfriends who stepped and have stepped up for me "Large"

P.S. I still don't think we are going to date.

If asked why... I'd just reply... "I just don't get the feeling it is what the universe wants us to do"

Of course... I could be the George Costanza of dating....

Close to the bone

Playing it very close to the bone yesterday. I fell asleep then woke up a few hours late for some reason. Can't sleep now so..... here I am.

I told myself that on this trip I was going to ask myself a ton of questions. I think I was sure I couldn't avoid it.

In the words of T.C. McQueen:

"Ask, and answer; who am I? and what is the point?"

As I was finishing my ride. The squirrels that talk to me, and run around in my head. Well... dehydrated and warn out.... it said "you may just have to face the fact you are unlovable".

easy....

Out of this, I realized that through this "Relationship" Suddenly.... Through this horror show i've been a part of for the past Year now. Well, suddenly here I am..... Feeling worthless. I let her ... have me feel worthless, and unloved And that is over....

I'm not in a relationship to feel bad... One would hope that they build you up. There is a whole world of people out there, ready to make you feel bad.

I think... and I could be completely out of left field, I suspect the thing is to have people close to you make you feel good. Some call me crazy..... all this obvious stuff like wanting people around me who make me feel good, and realizing that people who want to be around you actually like you.

Time to face the fact that she is a hurtful person... and it is time to cut her loose.

I'm a little surprised this is what the universe at this point decided to point out to my stupid ass.

I also may be back in that thing where I won't date or meet any new people who know about the blog.... I don't know... More thoughts.

It's honestly too much for one weekend.....

Ok....

This is the Lizard fingers pizza kitchen or some such horseshit... stone fired pizza or some god awful thing. Be warned, I was not in a good mood when I got there.

First I asked, Of all the pizza's on the menu... which is the best...

he replied, "they are all good" *strike one* this translated is... Just buy one asshole, stop asking questions.

Second try, "which would you order?"

he said, "well I like the pepperoni with sausage"

me, "But that isn't on the menue... why am I making my own pizza? I can do that at home"

him, "the special thing is the crust."

me, "ok..... I get it"*this is me giving up* I should have walked out.
It was ok, even good. but I felt like they were going for "fudruckers" or maybe it was "pizza factory"

Off to drink a few more beers before I think abut my birthday any more.

Woman...

Lots of woman trouble in my life.... I guess it's a good thing. I'm not sure if she still reads. One woman, said "how can you let go so easily. You can just up and move on"...

A friend of mine was sort of jerked around by this woman, a few months ago. She did something Indirect... something passively cruel... something inappropriate.... I said to him, "sure you thought she was nice, but now she showed you her true colors. You don't like to be treated like that. You also don't treat people like that. You don't want anyone who treats you or even other people like that. She made her choice. Now make her live with it. "

I'm sure over time i'll come up with some stupid idiom that will cover this. The jist of it is... if you want me around.... I'd suggest you treat me like you want me around.

There was a moment, in the past few days, where as part of the conflict between me and the ex. She suggested that I was mean when I got upset when she wouldn't show up. I told her... when you didn't show up..... I tended to think that you didn't want to be with me.

Showing up = wanting to be with someone. If "no show up" = Not wanting to be with someone. This isn't rocket science..... we make time for the things that are important to us.... why? because they are important.....

anything else is convoluted mental horseshit... as far as i'm concerned... play those games in your own head. I have a life to lead.

This was my first climb

This goes out of LaVerkin and goes to the freeway. It's probably no more than a thousand feet. Back when I started biking, I rode a mountain bike for a while, and did 60 miles on it in one day coming to the end of the season. I decided it was time for a road bike. I pulled off 30-40 miles on the road bike. Once I adjusted to the new physical aspects for a few weeks. I signed up for a century. I went to school down here in the 90's, Foolishly I said to myself "St. George is flat, it will be fine" Well.... St. George is Rollers.... I blew up by mile 10... I had a nice time with the "spin class woman" at the back of the century... which honestly is the best place to be in a century.

This climb, which I suffered on that year... and I remember bonking and just being blown the whole ride up... it felt like it went on forever. BTW I did it in my 39 this time. I remember breaking a sweat. Strange though, i'm maybe 15 lbs lighter... but much fitter.

after you hit the freeway you go to a reservoir.

I don't even but barely remember the reservoir... I remember it being there... but... I must have been blind with pain. At this point on my ride it was 30 miles... 2 water bottles... that was it. I had a scone and a triple latte for breakfast. I managed some refill on my bottles.... I remember that century, I remember hording water like ... well like I wouldn't ever find anymore... and showing up to refill at the stations and having near full bottles. Drinking one before refilling it. At the end there was another climb.



At one point today, I saw some triathletes.. I'm telling you....Why do I find them Creepy? Above is my roadrunner anti theft protection.... I needed a huge feed. Somehow I had to get back up to zion... it was not going to be easy.....

Tired....

Seriously, it was one of those days on the bike when .... seriously.... that dark fatigued side of me said... "Just give it up.... You can't be loved".... "stop waisting your time"

ya... really tired.....

Maybe I'll blog more later...

Classic insomnia

This is the classic version. Lights and noise bothering me. A friend was talking about their trouble sleeping. Jesus ... these chairs inside the room are like chairs you find in Vegas. only less comfortable.... i'm not sure that is possible... But rustic here in the Pioneer lodge in springdale. Somebody is going to get the feeling I don't like it here. Ok... classic insomnia... I figure if I blog it will go away... or it gives me something to do. At home I can watch a movie or something. But there is no joy here.
hmmmm... WTF did I want to write. Honestly I haven't managed a consistent 8 hours since the age of 12. There are times when I can get 8-9 hours every night... but it requires active riding.

oh.... the plants need dusting...