More things I don't have time for

I have a client presentation to finish...

Ugh... The wind sucked today, I managed a few miles into it... and the old spirit just gave out.

Ok... what you really want to know.

What is going on with the little woman?

Last we knew,things were ok... back to neutral. She sort of dropped it.

I'm not sure if she is waiting for "The shoe to Drop"

Or if she is hoping I'll Drop dead.

I'm not sure where You and I(You being the blog) were on it.

I sort of freaked out, and said to her "I understand, all of this tells me to piss off." and I stated all the things she had done that I interpreted as "Drop Dead". Some of you know me, and sure it wasn't this simple. I also may have stated a case that, this seemed like some repeated behavior, But I get it, and don't worry... I'm not angry, things as far as I'm concerned are ok, and we can move on.

She comes back, ANGRY and restates her case.... "Bla bla bla I'm busy, No time.... Bla Bla Bla Washing my Hair..... Bla Bla Bla."

So when you say to someone, "You are telling me to piss off, with A. B. and C."

And they come back with. "A. B. and C"

To me it sounds like they are saying "Piss off", either that or I have to deal with "A.B. and C."

But that was how I took it... "Piss off", and I said to her... "Ok, I get it, I'm sorry for taking up your time, I was trying to Calm things down, and Now you are angry and worked up about it. That isn't how this should be. Again... I'm sorry.

Then she comes back, "Stop Saying you are Sorry. It's not very appealing and it's not very Guy like."

WTF does that come from.... I hate to say it, but REAL MEN APOLOGIZE! a Real man, wants to know when he is wrong.

I seriously cracked at this point, I said "You are just killing me!"

Things slide back into neutral. Then at one point, I slide in some ... "Underwear talk"... She blushes. I mention, nothing wrong with .... "good Healthy Mature"....Bla Bla bla...

Ok... I get the dial tone, for a week.

This is complicated.. But she ... We can communicate in other ways, She comes out from "All Quiet".. but through Passive communication I get this:

I can't quote it directly.

But it is roughly; When there is someone you long to be closer to, and you are upset about it, Ask if there is something you might do to transform the situation. You and they may just surprise you.

now is this me, or is it her.... is she telling me, or is she saying something she has picked up on....

SO... WTF am I supposed to do.... and WTF am I asking you?

I send her a typical E-Mail... Just one of my usual. Nothing Personal.

She e-mails back.. typical response.

I send a follow up.. a ruse.... "did you need this?" I hope you are well?

She sends a nice personal note, a few personal details... with "I'm busy"

My response was, I said how great it was, and I mentioned I was glad to hear from her.

I'll point out, she never asks about me, or about anything I'm doing.

I think I'll call it a win.... or a neutral.

Or first loser.

My finger Nails Need cutting

I just figured, you wanted to know!

One of those days for me. I needed to get some work done and it didn't happen. I got out on the bike, It wasn't a "Big Ride" but I wanted to put some miles in.

I hit that point where... Well, Where I turn a short ride, into a medium one.

At the turn off, I made the turn... Which involves a hill. I got to the top and realized... Well I got that feeling that I get, That feeling that I get when my spirit is broken. That feeling where you just want to turn around sit on the couch and eat Oreo's all day.

I didn't do it, I pushed on.... but it was a lackluster ride.. in fact I don't even remember it. As I got back to the house, I turned off to make the ride longer, because I knew I had some more thinking to do, added another 20 minutes to the ride....

Further more.... I even missed one of my last turns, and had to turn back.

It was like riding in a Daze.....

Not good....

But Trudge on!!! Keep Fighting!

It's time for the 3rd training block.... I'm trying hard to convince myself to really put the screws in. Push out to my 60 and 70 mile rides and just suffer through them...

Push and fail at some bigger rides....

Just suffer, and take my lumps.... see how it goes. Then Next Bock I can start the big rides!!

"Next Stop, Everywhere!"

Tell me what I did all day

Here it is 8:30pm, I have no idea what I did today. I stressed, listened to Jazz, Climbed the walls, ... Rode my bike... now it's 8...

Ugh....

I've eaten some brownies... and a bowl of popcorn as large as my head......

WTF am I blogging this for.......

I have a presentation to get done for a client.

Why is it, that I can't just sit down and watch dancing with the stars like everyone else...

Back to normal

At least for a little while.

I want to point out to everyone... I used to work on the road a lot there are similarities to bike racing, Except ....

When you are racing, you have the team with you. It's a ton of support to keep you going, from day to day, race to race.

When Burke is racing, and traveling. Remember, it's just him. It's him sitting there, at the cafe, having his lunch. It's just him in the Hotel. Just him and the white and yellow lines on the road. I want to point that out to his Internet/Salt Lake/Provo/bozeman brothers and sisters.

So.... do your best to ... Help and keep him going. Its not easy being on the road on your own.

Remember, We are all Team T-Bird!!!

Let me tell you about Demons!

I can barely write about them. The truth about all demons, is you can't be afraid of them, you can't run.

No matter where you go, you are always there.

It also doesn't help to Dwell on them. There are millions of people who move through life comfortably ignorant all their lives.

You can drown them out with T.V. With Music.... With Beer, With Religion.... with any sort of .... thing.

During my week, i've suppressed enough of them, that by Friday night/Saturday morning... they have reached critical mass. I try and just let them run free for most of friday night... Let them "have their way"... or at least deal with them, as they show up.

This goes on all night, and even when I fall asleep I sleep fitfully, and it even Escalates to nightmares. I slept on and off for 10 hours, and still felt like I had only managed 3 good hours of sleep.

The good thing, is to get out on the bike, Let them chase me there. The question is.. do I bring the MP3 or do I let the demons really chase me,without it?.

Go with the Flow

... That was the advice I received today.

Well... My Chi is blocked.... My chakras are out of alignment... My Yin, Lacks Yang.

or whatever.... I'm telling you.... I'm a lump of Exhausted, tense spastic muscles... There is no Flow here!

I'm sitting here....

I don't even know what the flow is... The flow seems to be a passive .... it aways seems like that is a way to let things die...

I feel like the ball is hers... Then today, i'm out on my bike... I'm reminded of the adage that "A girl never calls a boy"....

Then I wonder if I should just call...

is that "The Flow"???

or is it ...

maybe I should just e-mail her...

It just seems like when things are this Labored... It's just not going to work out.

You know, we are old... I just would think we would be beyond this...

Either that or I've become a stalker.

Insomnia only I can get.

I think I had a nap today, In fact I know I had a nap today. I fell asleep at 10pm and woke up at 1am or even midnight.

I lay there for 30 minutes reflecting on how boring you are, Ok.... Not you. But people.

Somebody called me, a relative.. They started talking about something, I said... " Let me just cut to the end... " and explained the bullshit game they were playing with themselves, and told them that there was no need to go through the motions, and they should just skip to the end.

They then proceeded to want to go through the motions... I said, 'When you get to this point.' call me back.

they were pissed..... I don't understand, why you don't understand the bullshit games you play, I understand them, Why don't you!...

The only hard part is knowing the games that other people are playing, this just takes time.

But those are my thoughts.... about how most of you are playing "go fish". When there are much better games out there.

Let me explain... GO Fish is Random. instead of playing through the deck.... you should just flip a coin. It's faster, and it's the same game.

I get Super Nerdy about words.

The word of the day was: Sublimate

sublimate - direct energy or urges into useful activities

Sublimate to direct the energy of (a primitive impulse, esp a sexual one) into activities that are considered to be socially more acceptable

The Jist of it is to change one type of energy or impulse into another:

To Clean the floor if you are Angry.

But there are more negative versions

To be angry, because you are worried.

To sublimate your Racism for Obama into a Rant about Marxism.

To sublimate the loss of your job, into throwing Rocks at a window.

But various usages of the word is interesting.

and that the root of the word is sublime!

Lament on the state of the world

... After Last weeks... The world seems to be a Tree Filled with fruit!

now this week, it's as if I climbed the tree, and all the fruit was Crab-apples...

Sure, you say.... you ruined it Karmicly... by your attempts to 2 time.

You see, she blew me off. Then came back... Ok... Not blew me off, Gave me the Down... responded in the Negative.

So, I moved on.... and sure enough ... It's like woman know... then they just want to spoil it for you.

Woman Number 2, then managed to blow me off as well... I BTW have no Effing Clue what she is thinking, and by that I mean... I sort of gave her a second chance, and she Mucked it.

None of this counts all the other Periphery woman... Who I'll Plead the 5th about.

Many years ago... in fact 10 years ago... In fact 14 years ago. When this AWFUL woman, tore my heart out. I honestly Hate her, She played the game with me for 4 years... On again Off again... What she wanted was for me to be in love with her, I'm good at it... It was like she got her fill and moved on, only to find the world is cold, and came back....

Finally, I had had my fill of it, and I stopped taking her calls, I ran into her, and blew her off.

Since then, i've always felt relationships should be "organic", they should work, it shouldn't be difficult, it should just be fun, and enjoyable....

Certainly, some things take work.... but there should be Joy!

Bad job

I haven't posted anything.

I'm trying to support and do more blogging.

There is a ton of wind out there.... Does that count?

I need to stretch my legs today

I feel like I have a good post in me... but... I need to find the time....

there are too many demands on my time...

That Darn Reality... getting in the way of my alter Ego.

sitting here.

Sitting here, It sounds like Ryan is having working on the 5th addition to his family 7 if you include animals...More if you include KinFolk who seem to flow like hot and cold water from the house.

it's rest week, and I've eaten too much....

I'm hoping my brain will come back.

I'm in a constant 3 way split in my brain.

There is work, Life, and Work2.

They each seems to require more brain than I have.

So, I'm in a constant 1/3rd thought about each.... and I mostly want to go back to bed... Or just deal with one of them.

I'm a very focused person, so this is almost unbearable......

see... this is all I have.... but I think this was a single complete post. 2 different subjects, but they seem like complete ideas.

and I have to give up...

Ugh.....

1:30 am.... I've been up since midnight.

There is nothing to do at 6pm... So I lay in bed and fall asleep.

Then here I am at midnight... Hoping to fall back asleep.

I had such a nice ride this weekend,

I may have to accelerate the training schedule. I may try and see If I can upscale to some bigger rides, in the next training block.

I'm contemplating this... The problem is recovery, I barely felt recovered, even 2 days later. I probably need to eat better, but when I'm just tired... And just want to rest... Get afraid of over-eating... so then it's harder to recover...

and I can't just sit for hours and hours Recovering.... Let alone Days....

So... to get the big rides in, i'm going to need to recover faster...

Continued attempts at new content

My Second Training Block just ended.

I should be tired... but seriously... I only did 3.5 hours on the bike. Took me a full day to "Sort of recover"

It would help if I ate better, but I'm still trying to lean down....

I guess I do get a Rest week. We will see what that means.... This old guy, needs to go out and put some miles in...

The weather looks nice... I think I'm ready to hit eject... Even though, I haven't done a damn thing today... but catch up on healthcare reform.

I could cry too

It's 3am, I struggled in bed at 2am. I finally gave up and got up at 2:30. I'm starving, I'm not refueling properly yet, and I had dinner at 3pm, and went to bed at 7pm.

So... Don't cry for me.

If I'm lucky I can refuel a little and go back to bed, wake up in 3 hours ... and go on with my day.

We all know this ends in tears, don't we?

Right, I'm lucid.. or hyper Lucid enough to know that there is my own self destructive Script. There is also just the tragedy of life, Life is pain, Life is sorrow, Life is Loss.

As far as life goes, I've had my share... or more than my share.

Last we knew, When we checked in with our hero, we were playing the:

Either we move this relationship on, or end it.

or

I'm bored with you, move on!

I pushed it to confrontation, and got the "high Sign", which seems like "Lets move this on"

Then I pushed back fairly hard.... Probably Too hard.

Silly rabbits, tricks are for kids!

I find most people so filled with silly games and notions, that being direct, and keeping things straight forward, is beyond them. Everybody feels like they are negotiating from a position of maturity, but few people have ever matured beyond puberty.

At best, they have matured to the point of ... knowing they have to bring a check in every week. But after that, it's all video games and Cartoons.

Not that there is anything wrong with a few minutes of Tom And Jerry, from time to time.

Ugh... I have no idea what I just Wrote...

but I'm going back to bed.

Some Morning Thoughts

Y'all know me, I'm doing some reading on... stuff... It's more personal stuff, I'd say Spiritual, but you might think I'm reading the Bible or something.

It's stuff to feed my Soul.

The current meditation is:

We sort of have 2 choices,

Either we can engage in the great Opera, the Great Drama of life.

Or we can Withdraw.

You're Killing me!

Bare with me, I'm recovering from my ride today.

I need a haircut... Just saying....

I'm trying to come up with the words on this relationship...

It seems like we hit the point where... Well, where you can hurt each other.

I don't know how smart I am... Ok... I know, I feel like a moron most of the time.. but from the morons I've seen, they tend to not know it.... or maybe they do.

But it seems to be a big game, and the question is how deep are you playing the game.

The other thing is that, the secret IMO.. to a successful relationship is Honesty... Foolishly, I don't believe in the game. Maybe I'm just mad, and there is no game. But come on....

To me... It just seems so Stupid...

... but I'm reflecting now... Maybe things are sometimes so hard to say.... you just have to "Play at it" or "turn it into a dance"

The interesting thing is that ... for some reason... I want to play.

so that is a good sign.

Some notes on my friend Ryan Barret

The Grass is always Greener, Right?

This is his blog.

First of all, he gets huge points for continuing to support this blog. Probably because of his continued support, I attempt to do more than the Periodic Midnight Manic Post. As well as my desire to make this a Better blog, Because... I get tired of Twitter... It's like blogging for people who only have a sentence and a half in their head.... it is good for that periodic broken thought.... or visceral Scream.

There are other people who have supported this blog on and off for the past years.... And I appreciate it.... Maybe i'll mention you some other time...(Tiff/Burke/Sandy/J-rad/Gary/bobbie).

This is the thing about Ryan.... he is a Real Man by conventional standards. Pumping out kids, Settled down... He just isn't ... Like me... Who refuses to grow up, and... all the shit that goes with that. Here he is, Ready to have another, I'm sure plenty of job stress, and trying to get his team together... and be a bike racer.

You have to respect the hell out of it.

As I'm trying to provide more content to my readers.... I raise my coffee cup, this morning to Ryan...

Cheers Buddy!

Trying to reason, the mind of Woman!

We all know this is a mistake.... Except me, because i'm a fucking moron.

For those following me closely, and I don't know why you would. I'm at my Wit's end, As Fighter Pilots call it. "Edge of the Envelope".

I'm really getting there, This is the end of my second training block. Which ends with a sufferfest, I guess that is scheduled for this weekend. I'm starting to enjoy the sprint. Putting the hammer to it. Some kid on a MTB tried to throw down with me on the hill on Winchester. I teased him, and pushed him to his LT, then made him blow up.... all in lower gears than I have. Better to be smart than Young.

But, i'm getting to my fighting weight, and starting to feel good. It's been rough, with the diet, trying to keep my head above the water.... but I guess it's all the game. I should probably ... I probably do it wrong, find myself, blown out, energy wise, too much.

I have piles of checks on my desk, that is making me happy. I guess that is what you get, for working your ass off.

If you don't realize, this is the whole relationship disaster, I'm a lunatic, she is a lunatic, I can admit it, and ... she is just trying to keep it, in the bag.

All of this is going on.... She breaks up with me, then.... Then.... I call this other woman... and of course, what happens. Suddenly I have 2 woman on my hands.... sort of...

And it's not fair to either of them.... or of course a third very special lady, who... is brilliant, but for some reason, we don't seem to dance well together.

Content

I promised you content, I think I'm getting better at it.

I woke up the other night, Shaking...

I thought it was the Flu, or some sickness.

It wasn't, it's psychosomatic, things are so stressful. my body is rejecting.

Oh... Joy!!!

I have these dreams... I want to sweep floors, I feel like that guy, Like in the mosquito Coast. He rejects society, and just runs off. The person who just gives it all up, and joins a monastery, or something.

I was talking about it with a friend of mine, they suggested I work in the garden department of Lowes or something. Of course... I hate you people, and talking to you all day... Well... there would be some kind of shotgun and running around lowes...

I'm just saying, it wouldn't be nice....

but some sweeping.... I think I have it down

Sweep.... Mop..... Wax.... Buff...

Maybe I just have heartburn or indigestion.... or something

When spring came,

even the false spring, there were no problems except where to be the happiest. The only thing that could spoil a day was people and if you could keep from making engagements, each day had no limits. People were always the limiters of happiness except for the very few that were as good as spring itself.

-Ernest Hemmingway- A Moveable Feast

..... Ugh... 2.0

I've promised you updates. I umn....

I have some follow up for something I posted earlier, but I'm not sure I'll get to it. But

For those of you who remember Doctor Pistachio and all her Nerdy AwesomeNess. But She had a Kid!, It's all very exciting. I don't have kids.. but I like to be excited for all you Breeders out there.

It's a brave choice, to have little Spawn running around.

Sure I see the world as a dark Pit of ... Hate Greed and Stupidity... But that is just me. I can be excited for your life choices. Just as I can be excited for that dude who found the true love of his life in his Golden Retriever... It's all good, as far as "The Mop" is concerned.

It's strange, they have named their girl "El Mopo"... in honor of me.... You know... everything is about me, right?.... Ok, sure none of that is true, they actually named her Layla....

Just as good I guess.

Relationships

... I have had these thoughts about my relationships with woman. There seems to be this point. It's a point of Divergence. Where either they do or don't want more from the relationship.

They tend to pull away.

The expected response is one of two things.

Either you are supposed to chase.

Or

you are supposed to leave them alone.

I can never quite figure it out, Either I chase and don't say the right thing(apparently)

or leave them alone, assuming I'm smothering them.

The problem as I see it, is that I can reason, that both responses are the correct response for the Response that I want, The relationship to move forward.

I'm Very Sorry Keith

Thank you for sharing, these past months. I was very honored by your willingness to share this period in your family history.

My thoughts are with you and your family today.

My Dad was predeceased last year by my mother, Marie, his wife of nearly 60 years. He died peacefully after a long fight against the complications that ensued after successful colon surgery last September at the New York Presbyterian-Weill Cornell Medical Center. My sister Jenna and I were at his side, and I was reading him his favorite James Thurber short stories, as he left us.

Afternoon

Getting up at 3am

It makes me tired, very early in the day....

You know, here I am again... Nothing to say.

I keep hoping, that I'll come up with something.

If at first you don't succeed... Try try again

That is what I'm doing with my awkward Blogging attempts......

Here is another...

Update

Well... My birthday is tomorrow.

I'm not going to whine about it... but It never thrills me.

Enough said.

hmmmm, now I wonder if I have anything to say. I put in a few miles today, effectively all uphill. If it was me riding up Big Cottonwood, I would have managed most of the way up... Made it to the point where I knew I could finish it... but chose not to ..

"I could finish this ride, but that last half mile.... well... I can do it, but I've ridden up the rest of it like a snail, and there isn't much reason to do the same for another 10%.

It was good, but i'm not worked... I wish I was just Worked over.

WTF... you know... You are reading this... and hoping it goes somewhere... and shit!!! so am I...

I think that there are some things I want to say, and yet I sit down... and I just don't want to write about it...

I wish I could turn myself inside out for you....

I just sit down, and I'm over talking about it.

I'm thrilled to be on my second Training block of the season. I'm missing some sessions. But I think I'm just ok with it.... Maybe I'm getting better at just accepting that my body would rather rest... or that my mind would rather do the same....

That is all....

Trudge on .... Christian Soldiers

The Tale of the Shaman

In many cultures, the story ... the real story of the shaman, is one of the outcast, the person who lost their way. Someone that through their experiences, has rejected the social norms. They now have become a specialist in the society. Called on, only when their special skills are needed.

Problem is, the Shaman never gets Laid....

Society just exploits them for their skills.

I'm trying here... this was all I can get out...

Evolution

Always strange things afoot, with the old mop. I have this "Thing" going on. You know I have to hide it now. The point, over here was to be able to be honest. I guess I have to admit that things are changing.

I even have ... other blogs, and even those aren't ... something I can be honest with....

It's back to the same old lies and hiding, that the rest of us suffer with ....

The slings and Arrows of Mortality.

I'm into a thing about Denotation Vs Connotation.

you know it's a logic thing.

People who can see the "Thing for it's name only"

people who can see what it represents.

it's First tier thinking

Vs Second Tier.

but I digress, I wanted to scream from the mountain top.... and I don't have a mountain top to scream from anymore.....

Even the old Mop-Anti Hero is working on his mortality, his ... kryptonite.

Back in the Vacancy

I'm still trying to make sure I provide content,

Feels like a good day to do a ramble.

I realized my circle of friends is very small, It's large on twitter, small on life. This doesn't mean you should call me and we should hang out.

I only talk to about four people, in the course of a week. I'm not a.... laid back kind of guy. So, a conversation, isn't mello....

ah... Fuck

this is going no where.
Just one of those days...... Me and work and the bike, it's all there seems to me....

.... I should get over it.... move on...

Furthermore, we have not even to risk the adventure alone,
for the heroes of all time have gone before us.
The labyrinth is thoroughly known.
We have only to follow the thread of the hero path,
and where we had thought to find an abomination,
we shall find a god. And where we had thought to slay another,
we shall slay ourselves.
Where we had thought to travel outward we will come to the center of our own existence.
And where we had thought to be alone, we will be with all the world

I'm trying to make sure that there is some kind of reward for showing up to this blog. The Oscars... Holy crap, 2 ScienceFiction movies, and an action movie were nominated. When did the Oscars become "The Peoples Choice Awards". And the Action movie wins..... WTF... Has anyone in the academy... ever seen a good movie? Do they understand what Empathy is? Believability? Are they familier with a Theme. I saw "A Serious Man", it was a good move and a solid theme. I also saw"Up in the Air.", the theme was good, but it's hard to identify with a guy who lives on the road, in hotel rooms firing people and likes it.

I need to tune my bike, it wouldn't stay in gear on a big climb yesterday... and by big I mean little.

4am

It's morning,

I just spent 30 min going over traffic patterns from various websites. One would think I had a full-time job running shitty blogs.

I'm trying to get some projects going.... Bla Bla Bla... it's not all that interesting.

What did I want to tell you?

I kind of miss this blog.... Is miss a word?... let me look it up. Wow! it just looked strange to me. It's strange that this is all I can get out. I'm hoping to get my morning coffee and yogurt in me... Have some Me and You time with this blog.

Do you see what I do? stream of Conscience with this blog... I'm going through the motions with this blog... letting the shit hit the fan, where ever it lands.

I'm still on a Billy Joel thing, It's been nice.... I want it to be very loud... too loud for the morning.

The woman I was falling for; that is on haitus right now. If it's not the most obvious thing to you, I'm very poorly socialized, at a very important point, in my development as a child, we moved. It's made me very distant when developing relationships of all types. It doesn't help that my closest friend as a child, died in our Teens, as well as an older sister. So, Loss is my bag!

If that isn't the second most obvious statement, I've ever said.

One has to Bare with my poor social skills. If "on Haitus" isn't code for We have broken up, and I can't quite ... Deal with it, or Come to Terms with it, or Admit it. I think it's just me saying, I don't get woman, and there is that odd, on again -off again. I know, out there, that deep down... again you are hoping for me. Sure, you aren't going to say it. But I know, you are out there ... Hoping for me.

I'm so out of shape, well... I have a shape... and it's not In... it's more Out. I'm going to try more with this blog. This isn't a promise, but just a show of intent. It's still so hard to have a full horrible week of stress, and then instead of cozy up to a book or the TV and eat Orios(I don't do this, but I want to), to go out and ride. It's nice, if I can pull it off, but the problem is .. I want to pass out. I can't do anything but stress out on Saturday morning, So I may as well just put in some bike time.

Well, that is the whole dog and pony show for today.

When in doubt, there is always the old fall back.

I think I've set a new record for fatigue. It's unreal. The last 2 days, I pulled off a walk, and I pulled off a 1 mile ride on the bike.

Today I did managed to put a few miles in the legs. The wind was brutal, but now I'm wiped out.

Fuck, this post is going no where. It's Thursday... One more day, then I get the weekend, and I can get some real work done.

See, the real question is if this I should even waste my time posting this.

The doors..... WM&M

Let the Demons Chase

I sometimes spell that Daemons... It's not a misspelling BTW.

Strange things are Afoot for the old mop.

Turbo Caught me, in a joke about some of my "lesser Persona's" Which sounds odd. Well, I can say it actually is odd. Our lives are filled with Archetypes, as a smart person suggested, these are our WWE or WCW Wrestling Persona's. We show different ones to different people. We can Create some for some people. We may have our Work Persona, or our Friend Persona. Maybe our persona we show a Lover.

Somewhere, in all of that is our Real Self. If you don't realize, "The Mop" I hope is my Real Self. The problem has always been, if you Knew me, I could never Be ME!. One must strap on that Persona, and Guard themselves like a Suit of armor...

but I don't have to explain myself to you...

An old friend of my, was hurt last weekend. I probably have to make contact, even though... it's not like we had a falling out, more a falling away. Just a something you move away from, because it's easier. There is Epic Back story. (I'm trying not to use the phrase Epic, but have yet to come up with a new Phrase). So I'm still thinking about it, I guess I'm not even sure I want to make contact. Of course if I don't that will be it, for the relationship, for certain. That and about 4 other Associations... I'm just a dick these days, and as far as I was concerned, it was all just better to move away from.

Then.... I seem to be Smitten again... Smitten with a Mitten... I don't fucking know... but it rhymed. She is very Charming, and ... my number one problem is that; I'm still a fucking mess. Not that ... There is that phase where you are a mess, and you don't know it. Though I'm a Fucking mess, I know it... and that is always the first step to putting things back together. It's one of those things where, it's currently scaring the shit out of me, because she seems very ... "made for me".. I find these kinds of romantic Notions ... Stupid. But I do think that in the course of a 40 year life, you would think that finding the yin to your yang is probable.

Of course she is very much more "Together" than I am.... Which just adds to my insecurity.

I wrote last night to a Dear friend about it all, and that this is one of those times that it feels like the Universe is telling me something(which I don't believe in. That the universe talks, not that there is a universe.) But These 2 things, sort of feel like the 2 Keys to getting my ... emotional disaster from the past few years, Solidly back on the Rails.

Then there is my rational side, that says... you just need better sleep, some Vitamins, and this is all just a BioChemical response to getting back on the "workout wagon" in a serious way. Even though, if you saw my workouts, you would laugh... I know I do.

From Shit and Piss we are born.

I tell you the Ok part of this.

It's to be Sort of 'In love' again.

Of course we all know how that last one turned out...

Oh... BTW Sarah got Married... last spring, I believe. I'm sure you all were dying to know how that turned out.

Late, on a saturday night

My girl Justine was beaten at the Australian Open. Even more than wanting her to win, what I would like is for her to enjoy herself. No more, sad face Justine.

When she quit she said,

"I cannot play one more tournament,

not one more match,

not one more set,

not one more game."

And she gave it up.

On her return, it seems like she wants to enjoy herself, and I'd love to see it.

I'm sitting here, nothing on the TV.... what was I going to whine about...

I found out last week, I'm just about persona non Grata with a group of former associates. I found something out, and called some of them to see what they knew about one of the people in that group. I tried to contact 6 people, not one of them got back in touch with me, after leaving messages. Tip to toe a bunch of jackasses anyways. Honestly, it looks like a place I used to provide services for, is working on collapsing, this was why I left. I wasn't about to keep them going at my expense. Which was why we parted ways, "Can't you just... Not eat, that would be easier than us, knowing how to run a business, You should just provide free services to us... That is easiest."

What goes through you people's heads

well that post went no where....

Head Banging

I'm going to sit here and bang my head against the Keyboard, see what happens. J.D. Salinger died yesterday. What you may consider odd is that I actually like Franny and Zooey better than 'Catcher in the Rye', I suspect it's because I wasn't encouraged to read 'Catcher'.

If you don't realize it, with all the deaths right now of our elderly, it's just that time of year where the sedentary nature of winter, and the cold takes a toll on all our bodies, and unfortunately some of them us just give out.

This Teaparty thing, There is a certain amount of it that is populist rage. I don't mean to belittle anyones legitimate gripe about just about anything and everything that goes on, but I would suggest that most of it has to do with not having a job. Then somehow we then have to mix in the exploitation of the politicians, be they Democrat, Republican, or Libertarian.

What is really going on is a return of the John Birch Society. If you don't know your political history, The John Birchers were Lunatics that didn't believe in Fluoridation of water, because it was creating mind control.(I'd grant an argument that there could be long term health effects of fluoridation, but Brainwashing isn't one of them.). BTW I'm now sure some asshole Bircher is going to show up to defend them. Fuck off in advance. To get back to my point, what it required for the crazies to get out of the party, and for the republican party to return to rationalism, was the single most respected conservative William F. Buckley to launch "The National Review" to challenge the lunatics, and get their party back. This is how you will know that republicans are on a solid rise, you should see a new WFBuckly show up, and take on the Glen Becks and Sarah Palin.

Not that I wouldn't shove my dick in Sarah Palin, A gag would be required... and a riding Crop.

But I digress.....

I have some very negative comments about Our president right now, If I break it down to a game of 21. It seems like POTUS just doubled down on a 15. The best thing in the world would be if the midterm elections aren't a BloodBath, maybe with some luck for every 2 democrats lost, republicans lose one....

I realized the last few months, or maybe a year ago that much of my writing is sort of a mix of my favorite Writers. Catch this list, and maybe you will realize why I write the way I do:

Hunter S. Thompson

Hemingway

Salinger

Dickens

... If it isn't apparent, I've read everything by Hunter twice, and some of his books I've gone through 3 different copies of the same paperbacks, I wonder if there are some Hardbacks.

I've been reading more fiction, which seems to be loosening up my Muse....

..... and Speaking of a Loose Muse....

Damn, I almost misspelled "loose", the funny part is I pulled it off in loosening, then skrewed it in loose.

Some of you never followed my "in between" blog careerer, there was a period of time where I didn't have anything to blog about, so I spent time doing Soft Core Porn Reviews... Which makes me think, I should start that blog back up again.

Shit! I think I left Charles Bukowski off of my list.

Well, if this was an homage to Salinger.... I'd have to apologize.

bla bla bla

Everything is technical for me right now.

It’s all documentaries, and computer code.

Science and no art

If you want the Crazy talk,

It seems to me, that in some kind of quarterly sense, we are at an inflection point. We have a point where the great, cosmic living breathing animal, that is us.

Well, we have lost it.

All Sense of our Pretend Rationalism.

All Pretence of human decency.

Locked in our ideologies.(this is like a bad lyric)

The band that plays the songs of Hate and greed in our head is now playing their set. Given time they will walk off the stage, and a new one will begin.

6 days to the Ausie Open

Well, I'm excited...

Not only do we have Kim Clijsters, who came back last year, but my girl Justine has come back this year, I don't even know how many years she has been gone? 2? 3years?

In the Warm up... as I like to call the tournament that precedes the following open, Justine in her first tournament back, really took it to kim in the Final, got her to several match points after being heavily on the ropes in the first 2 sets. The match was absolutely amazing.

Lucidity is overrated

Took a nap, woke up cranky.

I'm reflecting on, changes for 2010. Over the past 10 years, due to getting older, wanting to be more responsible, maybe even improve the quality of my life. I've given up many things in that time, Vices shall we say. I guess I still drink a few times a year.

Here is the Rub, I'm just more angry. I remember when I was 16 or so, and started down "The Dark Path"

It was easier to be less aware.

I wanted more out of this post...

But I do think that I may make one of those lame resolutions, I resolve to not even try and date in 2010.

Maybe another thing I'll give up, that .... won't be a positive thing.

The perfect shoe

The perfect Shoe, for every David Tennant Doctor Who Fan.

Where were we?

... It's been so long. Y'all don't understand the stress I've been under for the past... Seems like a Decade. I'm very surprised my hair isn't white at this point. The market is like a war. Yet, if you play it like a game, it's not that complicated.

I've learned so many things, so many amazing and eye opening things. I literally have no idea how these dopes that seem to be at the head of things have stayed there so long. So, many fools and morons; filled with mythology, illusions, and an entire lack of intellectual integrity or curiosity. People who effectively bounce around like pin balls from one bumper in the great pinball game to another.

My brain is so scattered, but with the holiday I've had a chance to rest... Rebuild the old synapses. I've been tempted to write some short stories. I have a bunch of ideas, I think it would be fun to get some of them published, or at least try.

So, the horror show is this;

Seems like I'm on a 'Rebirth' for a new year, I refuse to have it be a new years thing. Yet it feels like it's game on. Time to get back to Salads and Coffee and Soup... and a need to earn my dinner.

Feels like a new age for "The mop" and whatever persona's I decide to play in this game we call Reality.

But what I really need;

Are some Converse Runners!

I'm a Weiner!

Ya, We knew that.

The Great T-Bird!! Has been doing contests, I've avoided them since... What if I win?. And I like a good contest, especially on the computer. Y'all are just fooling yourself, thinking you can win.

So, he announces the time, I was hoping for some kind of riddle, like the Riddle of the Sphinx:

Any time someone talks about a riddle, be ready to say "Man". It's the original Answer to the original Riddle.

No Dice! He asked what his original road bike was. I said, well he twittered it, and I clicked on his name to get all his tweets, then as It was coming up, I remembered that it was from Christmas Day.

Dec 25th, and sure enough A burgundy Peugeot Ventoux.

That is one nice bike especially for 23 years ago.

Stephen Roche won Le Tour

Which is the year after LaMond couldn't defend because of the shooting accident

What did you Get me day!

Here it is... just a few hours left of the APEX of this Vial time of the year. The second of the Three worst holidays on the calender. Long time readers of this blog Might remember, Let me cover the past Christmas Exploits.

Let us just start with some facts:

I have a few nieces, one nephew

a brother sister and both parents.

There are more, but I some of my immediate family just don't count.

I did learn something this year, Our society says that you only get gifts for Immediate family, everyone else gets cards.

• First annoying Christmas. My Sister in Law, because i'm good with wood, Thought I should build her a 500 CD Rack. That would only take a good Week of my free time. But what does it mater to her, Right? My answer to this was that All Christmas lists needed to be submitted by E-Mail(she didn't have e-mail) I want to point out that. Every Christmas I generally didn't give gifts Just my brother and his wife, I picked up things for each of them, and all of my brothers STEP KIDS!... but that and a CD Rack.
• One year, I purchased my sister parts for a new computer. The deal was, that she spent a day with me, Putting it together. My sister Unemployed, couldn't manage to find a job. Had Limited skills. So... She complains "I don't want to do that", I said "Ok, I'll just take it all back." *pout Moan* Can't you do it for me. We put it together and I took her through it step by step. Except for some reason she didn't have her modem drivers. I explained how to install them and sent her on her way. 2 days later she calls me in a Hissy fit... "THIS DOESN'T WORK"!!! I told her to bring it to me and I'd fix it. "NO! YOU COME HERE!" Do you see what drives me up the wall. There are tons of these people! They think it's a negotiation. Some how I owe it to her now! I told her she was going to come here or I wasn't going to do it. I again mentioned that I was happy to take it back.
• Then there was the year that, I'm at the parents home, and we want to have that nice sit around and talk time. On Christmas Eve. My niece pulls a fit, Basically she wanted to just grab her presents and run off. I told her that the next year we would put the presents on the street and they could just pick them up as they passed.
• Then there was the Christmas my brother got me the newest book of Sean Hanity Lies. It was second edition, so the things that he had Lied about, had retractions after the chapters. Basically it was Chapter-Retraction which effectively nullified the whole book.
• My sisters husband, who's birthday is Christmas EVE, Because he was forgotten every year. I got him Golf Clubs, one year.
• after all of this About October a few years back, my sister came over with my niece and they both decided to just be a couple awful Bitches. At that point I turned to my sister and my niece, and said "No more Christmas", and it's been over ever since.
• With my family, I don't even try and play nice anymore. I never bite my tongue, always tell them when they say something stupid, use a word out of context, spurious logic. I live to Correct them, about anything. They can't stand to be around me. Once or Twice a year, they Try and either make up or see if they can stand to be around me, and it doesn't work.
• This year every time one of them said Christmas to me, I said "Christmas is for Kids, and People with Kids"

After 2 or 3 years of No Christmas, It's official... Finally the Grinch Got no Christmas Gifts. Why? as it was Clear to me, after going through this bullshit, being single and still spending $200-$500 per year on Christmas over 35 years of my life.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE PRESENTS. ALL THE REST IS BULLSHIT!

Christmas to me, is a Very Quiet day, I get and extra Weekend day to read and watch movies. BTW, I managed to not watch a Single Christmas movie, The closest I came to Christmas was going shopping in department stores Twice in the past month, Any time anything Christmas like came on TV in the past month, the channel was changed.

and if I'm Lucky nobody stops by.

My favorite uncle, who's kids hated him, and when they turned 18 he didn't get to spend time with them. He and I used to go skiing on Christmas, that wasn't a bad way to spend Christmas.

I had an old boss, who had one daughter and an Ex-Wife. He used to buy himself a bottle of scotch big enough that he would get up... start drinking and not remember the 25th at all.

Now lets talk about New years.... There was the Knife Fight, the time when my Ex used to work the day before, the Day of New years Eve and the day After.

To me these have always been, just days off... that nothing is open.

Trying to make these days anything else is just a mistake waiting to happen.

War is Over(if you want it)

I saw this: Tell me that it doesn't put this Christmas bullshit in perspective.

Meditate on how true it is now,

as it was in 1969

When John and Yoko started their Peace Project.

WAR IS OVER!(if you want it.)

Give the video a minute to really get going

Seems like Yoko posted this video Jan 1 2007, and this was her note:

http://imaginepeace.com/new... December 8, 2007 I miss you, John. 27 years later, I still wish I could turn back the clock to the Summer of 1980. I remember everything - sharing our morning coffee...

40 years since this campaign in 1969!

Health Care

Here is another rant. This is why Health care is important. These are some of the issues that most people are ignorant of.

Let me establish some Facts.

Average health care costs are $12,000 per Family.

• The cost to an individual, paying out of pocket, for Health care is Between $500-$1000 a MONTH.

1. For $500 you get Basic Health care, The kind of health care you get when you work somewhere Miserable, and the company you work for just wants to say they have Coverage.
2. For $250 a month you can get coverage with about $2000 deductible.
3. For $1000 You get comprehensive coverage, and a minor plan deductible, Congress would call it a Cadillac plan, or the kind of plan Members of the Federal Government get, or People who work for GE, or work for a Union

• In the next 7 years the cost of Health care is expected to Double.$24,000
• The middle 33% of the population make GROSS 29,000-66,000 Per household. That is $15,000-$33,000 per person.
• If you Net out Health care, that is $17,000-$54,000 Per Household IS THE MIDDLE CLASS that is a 300% difference from lower to upper middle class. And think about living on $17,000 per year($8500 per individual) or $1,400 per month or $324 per week, that is enough money to pay bills and own a car YIPEE you are middle Class! Now I'd suggest you are broke.

Now a Story:

About 10 years ago, I wanted to expand my business. once I looked into if I had a chance of clearing another $30,000 to Hire someone else, there was then the other $10,000 to get them health care.

That is 25% of their wage in Health care, which looks to double in the next 10 years. For the past 10 years the reason Wages haven't risen is because Health care HAS DOUBLED. In 10 years there is a chance that half of your compensation will be in health care.

THIS IS UNSUSTAINABLE. Most of the economic growth in this country over the past 10 years has been small business, Most of whom just hired workers and didn't provide health care. HEALTH CARE IS THE NUMBER ONE REASON BUSINESS CAN'T EXPAND.

PEOPLE ASK? Why is HEALTH CARE IMPORTANT?

It's holding our economy back, businesses will not be able to keep going on like this, health care an insurance will implode over the next 20 years. But congress doesn't care about small business, what they care about are SPENDING MONEY ON WAR! and Making sure that the SENATOR FROM HARTFORD INSURANCE(Lieberman), and from Blue Cross Blue Shield(Orin hatch). Are taken care of, and that Exxon Is taken Care of. BUT SMALL BUSINESS get FUCKED. It's almost like there is an effort to make sure that my small company, can't compete with the larger ones. In the next 10 years, the only companies able to afford insurance will be companies Like GE and Exxon and fuck you if you work for any company that isn't an international conglomerate, or State or Fed Gov. and you get sick... Bankrupt is what you will be.

Everybody Deserves a little Chive!

Well

I was going to give up for the day, but things are starting to get exciting.

As I was contemplating what to do with my day, I thought; I should ride my bike. I looked outside and realized that wasn't going to happen...

and the thought hit me....

MAYBE it is time to break out the rollers!

What a horror show, a towel under the bike, one on the bike. Me in shorts and a base layer for sweat. Movie in the DVD....

and an hour of "hippo on a tightrope"

JESUS!!! and I'm considering it... Maybe I should just go eat some pie!

There it was...

There it was, for a brief moment I was inspired. My Muse had me Firmly in it's grips as I day dreamed in front of the T.V., this morning.

And then it Slipped Away.

Befuddled... let me look that up. Yep

Befuddled, this posed deteriorates into this:

My diet is crazy right now. I seem to be living on oranges and Coffee with EggNog as a Creamer. I'd best take a Multivitamin. But I've been feeling Very good... so don't knock it till you try it.Ok, I get some Soup in there somewhere.

This Book has been torturing me for Months, I'm having Brief glimpses of brilliance, followed by periods of "my life interfering with consistent Meditative Focused Thought, to the point where I want to do that little thing where you place your index finger across and between your lips and make a sound similar to the one Twiggy made on the 1980's buck Rogers. bdbabudabuda...

Truth is before I get into anything but the roughest of drafts, I have got to learn how to write.

I just want to confess, I spent a lot of time sleeping in English Class. Sentence structure on the Written page, makes me confused. I've become a huge fan of just using random Punctuation!!

There is a book somewhere right? and Idiots guide to writing? or Fundamentals of punctuation? Honestly if someone Literate could point me in a direction. I would very much appreciate it.

Well, that is it for"Today in the life of my Colon and other such Ramblings".

Music

I say this all the time:

Most the blogs I post to, I only interface through the blogger dashboard. I can go months without going to the Actual page.

when I do:

Suddenly I'm all "DAMN!!! SOMEBODY HAS GREAT TASTE IN MUSIC!!"

Useless facts

... I found this site.

301 Useless facts, but interesting. I do wonder; Why I find them interesting.

• 6. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks so that it doesn’t digest itself.
• 10. The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle.
• 12. Benjamin Franklin was the fifth in a series of the youngest son of the youngest son.
• 14. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
• 21. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades = David ; Clubs = Alexander the Great ; Hearts = Charlemagne ; Diamonds = Caesar
• 22. 40% of McDonald’s profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
• 29. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents every day
• 34. Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape
• 43. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out. (DON’T TRY IT, DUMBASS)
• 53. Coconuts kill about 150 people each year. That’s more than sharks.
• 54. Half of all bank robberies take place on a Friday.
• 57. The first bomb the Allies dropped on Berlin in WWII killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
• 61. Bruce Lee was so fast that they had to slow the film down so you could see his moves.
• 65. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original “Halloween” was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white, due to low budget.
• 67. The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
• 73. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, which Motorola got their name from.
• 80. 28% of Africa is classified as wilderness. In North America, its 38%.
• 81. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
• 90. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
• 91. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
• 104. People photocopying their buttocks are the cause of 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide.
• 110. Everyday, more money is printed for Monopoly sets than for the U.S. Treasury.
• 117. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
• 131. Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
• 132. For every memorial statue with a person on a horse, if the horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died of battle wounds; if all four of the horse’s legs are on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
• 138. Almonds are members of the peach family.
• 147. “101 Dalmatians” and “Peter Pan” are the only Disney animations in which both of a character’s parents are present and don’t die during the movie.
• 149. Hedenophobic means fear of pleasure.
• 187. Donkeys kill more people than plane crashes.
• 220. Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
• 254. People say “bless you” when you sneeze because your heart stops for a millisecond.
• 259. The bestselling books of all time are The Bible (6billion+), Quotations from the Works of Mao Tse-tung (900million+), and The Lord of the Rings (100million+)
• 266. Johnny Appleseed planted apples so that people could use apple cider to make alcohol
• 291. Stephen Hawking was born exactly 300 years after Galileo died.
• of course the most charming fact would be that the list of facts is probably more urban legend

No rest for the Wicked

Was it only one week ago that Tiger woods drove his car into a tree and it started a week of Gavel to gavel coverage.

On Fridays, I'm completely exhausted.... in a way you would have no idea. I could catch a nap at about 3pm, but then I'd wake up at like 9pm and then climb the walls till about 9am then fall back asleep. Or I try and drag it out, problem is I tend to just be too exhausted to sleep, either that or it's that last cup of coffee. I fall asleep then wake up at the Great and Productive hour of 3am on saturday morning!!!!

Seriously, I'd fucking Kill to sleep in Until 7 or 8 am.

I of course have decided that all my Tiger news will come from Apple news Daily from Taiwan, who do computer reenactment and have funny sentence structure.

Seems like Tiger is learning a sort of MC hammer lesson, about how there is a point you become a lottery ticket for everyone around him. The Extra Funny part is that aparentley Tiger had a deam about Rachel and her having a 3 some with Derik Jeter and David Boreanez.... Doesn't that seem like a Fantisy she would have, and not him...

I guess it's possible that the Dream was that she had sex with them Separately, but in the mind of the Chinese, these Hollywood types are crazy. It's hard to argue!

Here is the Newest!

TIger Woods

I'm about ready to turn the news off. I mean Forever, or at least until this Tiger Woods obsession is over... I don't mean to hope for war or something, but is the news this fucking slow.

I just don't feel like I need an update every hour about where tiger's dick has been.

The real problem is I spend my day reading and watching news. So update 7 on tiger after hour 7 of my news day... is a little much..

ok that is all I can stand to blog.

Somebody said "well you aren't a golf fan"... I'm a cycling fan, and I REALLY don't give a shit who Lance or floyd are fucking... Hell I barely care what poisons they are ingesting, to make themselves better.

1 down 2 to go

Well, the first holiday is tomorrow. Yipeee...

eh... I had a whole whine I was going to work up.. I think I'd rather lay down and take a shower or something..

Ramblings

Ugh.... I feel like hell. Maybe I've got something again....

I've whined about it before, but Fridays aren't my day.... and after struggling fitfully for 24 hours... I still feel like crap.

I could use a good cry... that sounds pathetic... and probably is.

Well, I think I'll try and drink a gallon of water and see if it makes me feel better...

hoping the problem is all the cookies and soda I've been drinking... ya... I know, and even I can't explain it.....

The Ruturn of the Legend

Looks like The Bird has returned to blogging. I felt as though I should Mark the Occasion. ... I'm hoping the powers that be will provide me with something interesting to write...

those are the kinds of things I type to try and inspire some .... thinking.

as much as I've tried... sorry, my friend... the curser just blinks at me ..... Taunting!

But I'll try as long as you try!!!

all about me right!!!