The day that wasn't

I'm not sure what happened, I may be still upset from finding out about my friend's cancer. Maybe just reminding myself of mortality and that time in life. They are like bookends of life, all in one person.

I woke up at 5am. I became very obsessed with a Johnny Cash song.

It's really fucking amazing and the video helps.

But the day got away from me. I have no idea what happened. I'd suggest that one problem was I didn't have coffee until about 11pm. I didn't get any exercise until about 10. I really have no idea where the day went. Seems obvious I was lost in thought, I don't really know about what though. From what I have been typing I'm seeing a theme. Sounds like I should just admit what it's about.
    For the past few days I have really started to feel better, I'm feeling like i'm getting back in touch with my 'Core'. I was listening to Pink floyd Welcome to the Machine, and fell in love again with that song specifically and with Wish you were here.  I haven't 'Felt' music like that in quite some time. Probably the same is true for 'God is going to Cut you down'

Well, like I said I do feel like I'm getting back to .... Center.... None the less, it's like I lost a day.

a post

It's late and I was typing up a post about masturbation madonna and high school..... then I checked on my "real" facebook only to find out one of my HS friends has cancer.... which is well... one of many, but it's still sad. Of course ... some times I look at old friends lives and I don't have that much sympathy ... they have lead fairly fortunate lives. I have a hard time not wanting to choke on my own spit when I say "i'm so sorry", this one bad thing happening to them over the course of their life... Isn't a big fucking deal IMO. Of course now this person is going to die and here I am being an asshole.

But seriously... most these people really have been assholes and fairly entitled and privileged most of their life. And again... will probably be getting some of the most expensive cancer care in the world. Tragic.... and this person is a very good person, always has been.... but they have also lead a full and very fortunate life. the throngs of well wishers are nauseating.

It's been an interesting day, for some reason a reminder of many old friends

Sock drawer

I feel like organizing my sock drawers today. 2 days after doing my laundry somehow I have a full load. For the most part I feel like just laying around and listening to david bowie... oh what a life.

Ok, I have managed to mostly get organized. I still need to setup my workbench so that I can get some work done. Effing work benches.....

But now it is time for 3-4 hours of trying to get to sleep.

Let the lord sort it out.

I was woken up with a nightmare. Ya, something is bothering me.

I'm a fan of dealing with whatever it is. One of two things. Life in general.... or

I wonder, maybe it's just some wandering thoughts. Remember remember...... . "What was the nightmare about?" ya, that isn't the answer I want.

Lets just pretend it's indigestion. Maybe I give up and let some gin sort it out. 

Remember Remember

 the 5th of November.

I need to remember that progress is made a few feet at a time. Need to realize that it can't be made in leaps and bounds, unless you are really lucky.

I think I like getting up early because I can feel like I don't need to do anything for a couple hours. I think I like going to bed early for the same reason. I can sort of waist 6 hours a day.

I could still use a beer.

The siren call

Well, I guess that is what it is. Start doing things and you realize the length and breadth of the problems you face. No reason to shove my head up my ass.
   I spent the morning struggling. My impulse to drink Gin and eat pizza gnawing at me. Then as I started another little project I noticed a nice $600 owie in my future. Great..... Extra reason to drink.
When do I get to spend that $600 on Ski gear or backpacking stuff. Yep, never. Why is it that it seems my money is never mine. That it always goes to some kind of maintenance of work and toil.

I was thinking the other day about the year I spent flyfishing and working to flyfish... where are those days....

Struggle.... Toil.....

I could use a drink.... Lets hope I can avoid it.... I have been good.... I just don't think it will help me.

Today

Dear Diary,

    I had a tough day. I did get plenty of stuff done. I was 'good' no, reward though. I do intend to go to bed early.

   For whatever reason the gin is calling me.I think it's a bad idea. I'm sleeping so well. I may be just plagued with a few demons today. I kind of wish I had finished more of my projects..... It's monday and I wanted to be fully organized again.

Too much sex, not enough affection.

Mastication Ideation

I'm in love with sleep. I do wish I was having dirtier dreams, but what can you do. The best part is the extra Two hours. You wake up after 7 or 8 hours.... go to the bathroom get a glass of water, then go back to bed. Curl up and say "I'll just lay here in spender and joy" tow hours later you wake up refreshed, your only concern is that since you are so refreshed.... it must be noon. and to your added joy you only caught another hour or two.

   Struggling with a decision about breakfast this morning. Do I go big for Sunday breakfast, or to I keep to my fruit and eggs and veggies or pancakes french toast and bagels.... Hollandaise poached eggs cheese English muffins. 

  Well... I went with fruit and an omelet. After some exercise.... feeling a little less like Jack Black. I'll just keep it up. Though I am having food ideations.... If that isn't apparent.  I probably need a reward of some sort if I'm good today.

Fight the Pizza

3 pm.... Now I am tired. I want my pizza.......Thinking about it isn't helping.

I'm cranky, I'm tired...... The pizza won't help...

all the gin would do is make me eat the pizza... and anything else I can find.

Ugh... demons till I fall asleep.

eh....

Some mornings I wake up and feel like spending my day drinking Gin. The question in my head is 'Why Not?'
Most people can come up with a long list of reasons and responsibilities. Right now, me not so much. I'm grasping to the 'concept' the 'belief' that I may get some crap done, and that may help me feel better. Well, I know it is but, make me feel better than the gin will. It's total spring cleaning, I'm glad to get ahead of it, it also means that there will be some follow up later in the spring. I say this as 3-4 inches of snow is falling outside.

Eating is a strange thing. I was watching some comedy thing. The comedian said "Who eats until they are full, I eat until I hate myself". That gets big laughs, I think we all know about that feeling. I guess, if that is one side of the coin, there has to be another side. I remember spending months eating soup fruit and vegies, I felt very good about that. I drank espresso this morning. I ate some soup, had some fruit.

I'm seeing my nemesis pizza this afternoon. Hoping that I resist.... Maybe I'll substitute gin for the pizza... yet, probably it will be gin then pizza.... fuck....

Yep, feeling more like Jack Black rather than the Wolvereen

Espresso season

At some point every spring I get sick of drinking coffee by the gallon. So.... I turn to espresso. I needed to get some other stuff at the grocery store so there I sat staring at endless names and brands of coffee.

The one thing I know about espresso is that it's all about the tamp. Clog up the system with so much dark powdery goodness, the bonus being much powdery grounds in the bottom of my glass.... delicious. The fine granules providing another few bars of pressure to then saturate and push the caffeinated joy into my cup.

I sat there in front of all the coffee options, bewilderd.... like a deer in the headlights. I realized ... again I have to pay more for an unground dark roast.... WTF is that? why... because those who know coffee will pay more.

If only I desired a Carmel candy vanilla espresso... pre ground.

Well it's espresso season.....

....

I woke up an hour early. I wanted an extra hour, or something like the extra hour. I curled back up in my blankets and turned up the electric heating pad.
  I washed my sheets, there may be a chance that one sleeps better in clean sheets. Spring cleaning and organizing has started. I think I woke up today and I don't want the day to start. I exhausted myself yesterday.

Where was this going....

The thing that sucks about getting up early is being tired at 4-5pm.... We sleep for 8 hours we are tired for 2 hours before and after. 8 hours of work, 4 hours of personal time.....then it's all being tired.

spring is springing

I managed to actually get quite a bit done yesterday. I have high hopes for today. I keep getting exercise. Optimistic....

I'm hoping for some laundry and start on some projects.......

Tired by 9am

   I was tired today by 9am.... It's unpleasant. I seem to be feeling better... by body is rejecting no being filled with sloth.
   This is one of those times where I feel like if I puked I'd feel better. Trying to fill myself with water and vegetables... my system is rejecting it.... I mean next it will be vitamins. ok... I confess I've been eating vitamins...

I probably should just do some menial labor this afternoon.... make the blood flow ... keep myself physically active.

   I think I am a pro at sleep disturbance. In fact I sometimes envy people with regular jobs, or kids that have to make it to school. Something to keep a sleep schedule on schedule.

   I used to love getting up early, I still do. When I was a finish carpenter, finish carpenters get up early, we used to get up at like 3 or 4 in the morning and get to work at 5am. Carpenters work in shops that are climate controlled, their work is dependent on nothing but getting things done so there is no reason to be at work at a specific time. So you get up early and get it done. When not working overtime you are done by 1 and fall asleep by 9pm.
   There was a time when I was working onsite and we started at 7am, people were amazed when I showed up at 6:30. I've also learned over the years that if you commute leaving 5 or 10 minutes early gets you to work 15-30 minutes early. Most people tend to try and get to work within 5 minutes of start time. Which means that everyone tends to try and be on the road from 6:45-7 or 7:45-8.
   In my time i've become a pro at trying to rectify my sleep schedule. The great horror is that it tends to involve days of trying to stay up just a little longer.... hours of fatigue ridden days... unproductive.

No joy for the weary.

I'm working on a vegetable enema. Seems like any good spring cleaning should start within.

I'm fairly blocked.... Mentally I mean. I have much I would like to express but it just isn't flowing.

God be Praised

   My prayers be answered and I managed to get a few more hours of sleep. I can now start my day like a fairly normal person. I'm hoping to get a sort of walk in this morning. Maybe that can wake me up and make this a truly amazing and productive day.

God is great!*snark*

Three

I just want Three more hours of sleep. I would like to wake up in the Morning Three to Four AM and be refreshed and ready to start another day. I know refreshed is a Huge request.....

why is it that we wake up in a state of haze, the best we can ask for is to have enough a a panic to our day to  hit the ground running. To have our day overtake us before it's full unpleasantness overtakes us. I know it doesn't have to be that way....

It just seems like it sometimes.

Last Temptation of St. Valentines.

One of the banes of my continued existence is still relationships. One of the horrors is that when I was 20 there was this very amazing woman who loved me very much. Little did I know that piles of woman seem to only be able to be filled with nonsense.

  I imagine a phone call from a friend,
"I'm very miserable. My life sucks.". Showing compassion you talk to them and realize...
"Why you have been strapped to a cross, and are being crucified". I release them, make sure they get food and water. Nurse them back to health.
Then given a few weeks you find that their children and family keep insisting that they get back up on that cross. You suggest that that is a terrible idea. There is no use in being on a cross. It's a bad example and it's not exactly productive.
   They continue to struggle with why they shouldn't get back up on that cross. Suddenly there they sit....getting sick again and falling apart.


Well, Why did you do that?

I have to.... Why don't you get up here with me, that will be better.

No it won't.... That would be stupid.... and you walk away.

"Oh... You don't really love...." she says

No, If you cared about me, you wouldn't ask me to get on a cross. You would want to be happy and healthy   and not on a cross.
You can try and debate it, but the romans put christ(who doesn't exist) on a cross. Proverbially he was the messiah. I really doubt there is any reason for a person to subject themselves intentionally. It's one thing to do good works that involve sacrifice. Another to strap yourself to a cross and then cry about it.

You can go fuck yourself if you think I care about that shit.

V day

      It's that day again. What a vile holiday. It's like being chained to a strange cousin that you don't like for a day. A day where we are all expected to Spend money on jewelry  have some kind of romantic date, Do some grand Gesture like hold a boombox outside a window playing Peter Gabriel. Worse have some GF who expects all of that.... And Fear the drama if you fall short of her expectations. All because someone made up a holiday.

moments

I had one of those moments in the shower where I didn't want to come out until I felt better. "How is Next week?", I said to myself.

Totally blank.....This is all I have....

Valentines is in a few hours. Fuck valentines.

Proud

Wow. I read something I posted last night. I realized.... Wow! I wonder what I blogged. I remembered that I posted something while exceptionally drunk. I just didn't remember what it was. I was concerned how racist it was.

I literally drank until I passed out. Barely able to walk at some point. Not a proud moment, and when I woke up I was still drunk for most of the day. So much for being productive....

Nigger.... I'm drunk

That was my chappelle  impersonation, Aging white dude trying to sound like a hip black man.... Nothing more pathetic.

But.... Nigger I'm drunk

Drunk enough to have another glass of gin. Drunken free pores of  cranberry, gin and soda... how nigger is that. Anti-nigger.... and ironic.... I don't have to point that out to you.... because you aren't dumb.... or are you....

Mexican Methodist eskimo, that is who killed the family in Capote.... God damn eskimo. ...

oh the great american novel... the Methodist eskimo.

Strange days.

Probably 17 years since I sat in a dark room watching colored lights, my brain filled with psychedelics .  Here I sit on my smart phone listening to an original doors strange days vinyl. Three shots of legal gin at forty years old, Gen x watched the State of the union speech  arguing gun control on social media, trying to relive 1969 and trying to decompress.

Sitting here like a Hunter S. Thompson wannabee hoping the gin will kick in and my.mind can decompress.
Valentine's, two days away, no girlfriend.... just bile and the screaming trolling rants of what the media called "Return of Gen x, hippies strike back"(star wars reference intended , we aren't going to take it anymore time to hit back.
Nothing more apropos than to sit here letting  my mind wander and decompress and process.... banging away on a smart phone collecting my various thoughts. Full on HiFi experience, Aged Vinyl and the slight smell of aging electronics smoking in the background.

We Want The World and We Want It Now!

    Waking up, I think it is the primary question, ask, What is going to solve all my problems today. I ponder all the permutations, all the various aches and pains, all the daily struggles i'm having. All the things that make me want to just go back to bed. The answer is obvious. I know you have all your philosophies and psychological analysis. Really, the answer is coffee.

   I think, post coffee, we can move onto the rest of the problems. They are too many to list.

   One of the..... If only I had a proper tea pot. If I could, if it wasn't too early I would run out and get a pot for heating water. I could then make tea in my office, that would probably help me keep feeling better.

   I'm uninterested today, uninterested.... I think it is one of those days where I just have to let my feelings, legs and hands guide my day. I suspect some cleaning, some organizing....  

The greatest tragedy is that I can't seem to play a proper record right now.

Everything will be better if I could play a record.

5am

I just woke up. It's a bit early. I would rather get another hour or two of sleep. I sit down and hope for some inspiration.... You wake up 2 hours short on sleep, and never seem to catch your breath all day. Like starting a day on half empty.

Now I will toil back in bed....

great post....

A day Like many days

Sharing my day, not uneventful. Not pleasant, but it all has to be done. I did manage a short ride today. I ate healthy. I did some work. I'm now boring the hell out of my blog readers.

Hey, I'm just trying to write here.

I had a discussion about if sociopaths are malicious or if they are just crazy. I still don't know.

I'm going to drink some Gin and try and let it all go.

Lets hope tomorrow is a little better.

On mice and mockingbirds

   The great american dream, to write the great american novel. Years ago a friend quit his job to go on a trip to write the great american novel. In discussions with various friends. I found that they all seem to have written some novel of some sort... or four or five.
   In school as part of the art department, I always felt like the pursuit of art had to be for it's own sake. If you paint it much be because you love to paint. You do it for nothing, like any artist if you are ever really noticed it's after your death. Until such point, you are waiting tables or cleaning toilets, Accept it.
   One of the reasons I write this Bullshit is to refine my skill, and for whatever reason I seem to have a ton of "rants" or repressed thoughts and feelings.... are thoughts different from feelings in the context of expressing them in literature? So, I write. For this very moment it feels good. I have 3 good paragraphs, I seem to have some content. I seem to be inspired at 6:14 am.

   This Pie in the sky dream, to write. Not just to write to get published and have it be one's job. But even to write to just be read, to have someone enjoy some concept or idea I have. To even sculpt that idea into some written words on a page. That is something I do love. This dream to write something worthwhile. I was in some lame ass verbal war with some asshole or some such.... I said If you want to stop a war or change this world, you won't do it with a gun. Write "1984" write "of mice and men", or "To kill a Mockingbird" or Write "The grapes of Wrath". Books and ideas that changed the world.
   I remember reading To Kill a Mockingbird, I remember what a beautiful balance of the issues of racism and justice it brought up. One of those great books that when you close your eyes, it changes the way you think forever.
   So, in my spare hours of idle worthless muddling. My thoughts are about what makes a great novel. Subtle nuance of a theme, The political discussion using the allegory of an animal farm, or the up front narrative of a conflict told by and innocent in a small Southern town and it's struggle with personal conflict and racism, as in To kill a mocking bird.
   There are many themes I'd like to write about, Rape culture, The current political conflict, social conflict, an essay on the misunderstandings of Atheism, Broad themes about moral and ethical bankruptcy.
   I write here. I'd like to write better. It's best if I try to write every day.  For 5 years I have wanted to write a story, a short story, and get it published.
   and the humiliation to desire the most silly and self absorbed quest in the world... To write the Great american novel.

Irritable psyche syndrome

One of the best signs of  a change in your recent mojo can be when you are angry enough to start kicking the crap out of things... as a metaphor.

That fucking flashing cursor..... tormenting me.

The Everest documentaries make me want to do some backpacking. Want to be in shape, Want to be my old wolverine self....

two sentences and a broken one.

Tortured on Everest

I'm trying to get my mind on other things. I intend to watch some Everest documentaries. I said it 20 years ago, I'd go to Everest when there is an Elevator to the top.

I see these shows. These people are no Edmund Hillary. Edmund Wanabee. Hundreds of guys in post 50 Midlife Crisis... "I'm going to climb the tallest mountain in the world"..... Fucking cure cancer...

Everest... WTF.... The ultimate spoiled white man vacation.

at some point I need to write a full page..

Rather Shit day.

I'd rather shit today....

Poet Know-it.

Here it is again.... a thought and now I sit to write it down and the thoughts start to fade.

This day had started with some hope, It had started fine.... then spun off the hub. Not plussed... Just a day that I'm hoping will end as quickly as possible. I can start again tomorrow.

It's cold, I'm cold.....Get some food and wait out the next few hours.....

Talk Radio

Why I hate talk radio. Don't ask why I was listening. Specifically Sports talk radio. I should honestly do 15 minutes of me listening to it, with commentary.

A few weeks ago I heard them talking about how unfair it was for sports reporters to have to check their sources. I mean... they just have to regurgitate what they hear, having it be credible seems like undue burden on them..... TO DO THEIR JOB!

Tonight it was a full hour on how carlos bozer is an asshole. Ok, I love cycling... I hate lance. I have never talked for an hour about how much I hate him. Let alone some half ass never was in the NBA. A full hour talking about him. Lets put the cherry on the conversation" He doesn't even play for the Jazz anymore why are we talking about him?"
Other guy, "because it's a talking point"
Previous guy, "You are right."

Oh, and to be clear. Boozer had a great personality, except that his business manager in his personality him stopped you from learning about his personality.(this is what the first half hour was dedicated to). Seriously if you listen to this crap, and it makes any sense to you, you are a moron.

Kill me!

Speaking of pizza

Like all addictions just talking about it makes me want to go eat one. Some pizza pockets, some mcnuggets....

Pacification with some olives and yogurt....

Sweet and sour.....  Sausage..... Chips....

this isn't helping....

Why did I think it would...

I can do it.

4am

I managed an hour of sleep before waking up. Here I sit thinking I had something to say. I'm starting to feel a little better. Some healthy 4am to 9am sleep would help.....

Soup, fruit.... healthy food....

More Salad..... less .... pizza

Return

   Here I sit again. I haven't written in a few days.  I think that the reason I am trying to go back to it, I remember the days I used to write here everyday. Those were good days. If you ....

and that is where my mind goes blank...

I sometimes wish those days were back.....

Yet, you can't go home again.

Heart

I wish I could express it. yesterday, last night I had some ability to talk about it. It's all just jumbled images and thoughts. This is one of those moments where I feel like things are on the upswing. Lets hope so. I'm so nostalgic for being fit. Nostalgic for those better days....

I was honestly hoping to sit here and come up with something brilliant.... no luck.

Demons Galor

4 hours of sleep... What the hell do you want to hear about that for...

ok... please back to sleep.