Keep fighting!!!

Today felt like one of those days where it’s all a little overwhelming. I worked my ass off and will keep doing so. Sometimes it just feels like it’s all going nowhere. The wheels are moving, but I’m still staying in the same place.

It seems obvious by all objective standards that things are getting better. I have this charming woman, who continues to be at my side. Progress seems to be … Being made. But time ticks on, fall is here… Can’t deny it anymore. Still plenty of good riding and wonderful weather.

The rational side of me says “Things can only progress so quickly, don’t expect miracles in just a few months. It’s all a process that will go on forever… Life is a Journey, not a destination.” There is still that part of me what wants a magic wand waved, and for all of it to just magically change.

Well…. More work tomorrow… Keep Fighting!!!!

Some Blogging

I'm sitting here, I should be going to bed. Or Getting to bed... I am going to bed... but I should get there.

Thing are good with my Girlfriend, I'd say she tends to freak out a bit. It's ok... It's not a problem. I am trying hard to not Blog this part of my life. I would say that it's more than good..... It's actually Great. I'm very happy about it. I got her bike fixed, there are still some wonky issues I want to straighten out... some small stuff. It's funny how Anal I'm becoming about bikes, I'm actually very Anal about my workshop right now. ... but The bikes should work perfect.... Like a Ninja could ride it to kill someone. I also think that a few bike mechanics took advantage... there were some weird part combinations. Also somehow she ended up with silver and black front cainrings... and she said they had never been replaced... Odd that they would come that way from the factory.

One of these was the new chain, the other was the old... cut to the same number of links.

I have a good sense for what is going on "Globally" Emotionally... See I think that all emotions affect each-other. I make you angry, you make someone else angry..... etc.... so some emotions tend to spread... and the last 2 weeks have been kind of nasty. I had 2 different people have Melt downs in the past weeks, Then today I had another..... It's a trend.

Somebody said "The struggle is Life.... Life is a Struggle"... that is probably correct. Seems like some people struggle more than others. Seems like some people are victimizers some people....

It's interesting, One huge mistake is to think that you know what .... To think you know what someone else is saying... or what they are doing... what their motivation is.... or what their goal is.

I once talked about this as "Subtext". Many people think they Hear Subtext in what people are saying.... and it's true some people talk in Subtext... they imply things through what they say... The problem is when you are not direct... to not live with "Clear intent" as the Buddhists call it. Things are hard enough without being direct.... What you imply and what I infer.... can be totally different things. For the most part.... If i'm to cowardly to say it, and just imply it.... you should feel free to ignore it. See... I may even "imply" something that is unfair... because I can deny it. Also... I may just Imply it so that .... I'm covered "just in case"

For example:

You are being a Dick.....

I imply that you might be being a dick....

if you are being a dick... you may realize that I know it... then knock it off.

You also may not be being a dick... in which case... I'd hope you ignore it.

On my part... ya... I'm not living with clear intent....

And the problem is you may take offence to what I'm implying..... assuming you infer it correctly...

but seriously I can say to most people "Jesus You are a Dick" and most people will just blow it off... especially the dicks. So... If I imply it... people are 10 times as clueless...

All of this just leads to miscommunication...

Let alone when I just did something.... and didn't want to imply anything with it.....

"I just moved your shirt because it was in my way.... I wasn't saying you are a fucking slob"

Truthfully I know you are a slob... but WTF do I care... just move your fucking shirt.

I guess what I'm saying is.... Tons of people keep freaking out..... Knock it off...

And life is too short... Love a little...

Long Time....

Busy Busy Busy....

I actually should be doing a computer project this evening.... But it will wait... Maybe at the crack of dawn.

I've been working my ass off.... I wish it was making me rich.... but hopefully some decent money will come soon, it's silly to think about "Rich". I'm really enjoying work these days.

I guess last time we talked I was doing the post Melt down from the GF trying to break up with me. It's been very nice.... More amazing than, i've been able to even Dream for many years. Things can be difficult, every once in a while there are hickups. She may read this... Or she will read this, But... She said "We Fight".... Which isn't true, we have fought, but it's more She Freaks out.... sometimes just because I withdraw because I'm having a bad day or two. I'm big on "to do" lists.... I keep wanting to tell her... "Seriously 'Breaking up' " is not on my To Do list.... So it just isn't happening....

One of the interesting thoughts going around in my head is ... In the "Shit is going to change, or something is going to get Broke"... Well, I've started to notice how people rebel at the sight of work, or other people working. I think they get all tense, and feel guilty because they are sitting on their ass. I also noticed that, It makes them angry. For the most part I never care what other people are doing, until they get me involved. That is the trick.... If you are going to do nothing... you need to do some work.... because your Lazyness Causes other people to step in and deal with things you aren't willing to do. It's fine as long as you don't mind when someone pushes your 78 Firebird out from the middle of the road where it fell when it rolled off it's Blocks.

The problem is.... when you get upset about how someone moved your shit out of the way. Wow... this doesn't feel like a very developed concept...

What I'm getting at... is that If you arn't going to do anything... you need to accept it when other people do..... Your inaction forces other people do deal with it. Not in a vindictive way.... It's just "I'm sorry I moved your rusted Piece of shit.... but I had to..... and you don't get to complain about where I put it."

I waxed my nephue's car... So... when you wax a car... the right way... Wax can get on the windows, and you have to clean them after.... SO after I waxed washed and cleaned the interior of his car... He was pissed off, because he had to clean his windows.... I told him he needed to do it..... But somehow he figured he would get "Victim Status" by complaining about it... Not realizing that with the exception of Cleaning his carpets and glass(the easy part), I had completely detailed his car.. But I'm the dick...

Let me just add, There have been several incidents over the past 6 months of this.... Where some Douchbag, who usually thinks they can get away with some asshatery has gotten "The Hammer" ... I just... You know.... Why Get in my Grill.... I know that in order to make an omelet I have to break some eggs..... I'm not afraid to Crack you like an egg.

I also never really understood the conservative complaint about "Victim status" ... until now. I will certainly agree that it is "Weak Sauce".... but it does seem like some people are all about trying to waist everyones time trying to convince everyone that they are a victim. Then start using people.. Seems to be Mostly Middle aged white Males.... as opposed to ... Black and Hispanic woman with children.

Maybe it is just "White Males" who get away with it. Let me also say that most of them need to have been told No a few more times in their lives....

I don't know...

I'm tired...

The pictures are Jam I've been doing.

Habanero Peach Jam

I picked up some Peaches from Brigham City, and threw this together. This one is actually hotter than my other Habanero Jams. And it has a nice deep Rich Flavor from some other ingredients. Organic, Vegan, Wheat Free, Gluten Free, Unbleached Cane Sugar. No Dies or Chemicals. Fruit and Pectin.

I will try and avoid marketing here... But I'm very tempted to sell this stuff on E-Bay and Etsy

update update

It's not the best thing to ... Blog real life.

So.... apparently we had some kind of misunderstanding. I was trying to get some stuff done, and not feeling at the top of my game, and this great woman i'm dating thought I was breaking up with her.... Then it all escalated... she wanted her bike back... etc....

I figured she was breaking up with me, she figured the same thing about me.... I aparently didn't respond to her asking me in an email if we were breaking up....

it was a whole thing....

Lack of communication in the modern digital age.

I really care about her... and even worse this whole thing tore us both up...

We must like each-other.

Paint layer 9

this is my MAME project Multipul Arcade Machine Emulator. Cocktail Version.

Because we all need Cock-Tale-s

Update

Well... Here it is Some 9 months later, after trying to do Anything I can to Change my life...

Here is the updated.

• I can't take a decent shower.
• My Living conditions are Worse
• I've spent way too much money
• At this moment I'm as miserable as I've been.... Well this is in the top 5... If not worst. Fantastic.....
• And the Cherry..... GF broke up with me.

HTFU... I guess. Ten tons of work for nothing.... For Regress!!

I guess I better shut up and get to work.... If i'm lucky in 9 more months of hard work... I can be homeless. They say... when you are stuck in a hole... Stop Digging.. I'm not sure that is going to work, Going back to being a victim in my life...

I guess there were some good times.

If you don't realize why I've been so quiet.... this is why.

Fuck!!!

Update

Well.... Let me just start by saying how fond I am of this woman I'm dating. It is very much making the hard and difficult parts of life easier.

I've been very quiet on the "Social Networking" front. I'm so packed full of shit to do right now. It's hard to find time for everything.

Now Onto The stuff

I guess some of us never work on enlightenment. The concept is this, if you can understand yourself you can understand others and it helps to understand the world. If you don't realize how we fool ourselves.... How you fool you.... you can't even start.

Hustlers of the world, there is one Mark you cannot beat: The Mark Inside. - William S. Burroughs

Honestly, if you aren't aware of your own foolishness... your own ways you defeat yourself... the ways you lie to yourself...

Well you are fucked... and you are Clueless. As someone said to me, You are a Pinball person... You act you React.... That is it... You are an Animal... a Beast... a Slave to your instincts and random Fluid production.... Saliva Semen.... Shit Piss...

Inter faeces et uriname nascimur (Between Shit and piss we are born)

St. Augustine

The Awake, The Asleep, And The Dead...

If you aren't constantly fighting your own lies.... someone else has to fight them for you.... And you are probably one of "The Dead"